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About MattJoachim

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  1. This movie features a millenium old Jinn, who needs to collect 1001 souls to jump start the apocalypse. He lets himself get locked up in a penitentiary, where he figures sous will be easy to harvest, since they have nothing to do but "Weesh." He gains a sould by tricking people into "Weeshing" for something. They all make some random comment like "I wish my lawyer would go fuck himself." Wishmaster asks the convict, "Is that your weeesh?" He, like everyone else, says something like "You're a fucking lunatic, and go fuck yourself, but yes, that's my wish." Convict goes to meet with lawyer, who immediately gives him the great news: "I have an unfinalized deal in place and you're gonna go free." Before the con can get too excited, the lawyer is bent in half by some invisible wish magic, then proceeds to fuck his own ass to death...doggystyle, and bent over the table. The convict's response is as follows: "Hey, holmes, what the fuck are you doing!? What are you doing that!?" And as the lawyer begins to die from auto erotic assfucksiation, the con screams not once but twice in successively louder volumes, "What about my deeeealll?" Haha. You made a wish. It went bad. Now you're stuck in jail and you have no soul. That is not even the most ridiculous part of the movie. Watch i\t. It's on NETFLIX. All 5 Wishmasters are. Remember the name MUSTAFA. Sounds Russian, right? I know. BTW, the Jinn speaks in a completely forced and painfully slowed sown faux baritone throughout. Like if Patrick Warburton had a double stroke. Review the movie. Dont review it. At least watch it. It is fucking hilarious and not on purpose.
  2. MattJoachim

    Phat Beach

    Phat Beach is a coming of age tale about an overweight and insecure young black high school student, who loves poetry and hamburgers, is pushed hard toward success by his overbearing father, tormented by his pre-teen sister, and lured into socially irresponsible behavior by his long time friend and antagonist extraordinaire, who convinces him to abandon his post at the hamburger drive thru to instead steal his vacationing father's Mercedes, hit the beach, and sell a box full of sunglasses he bought for "10 cent a piece" for "5 bucks!," and presumably make enough dolla bills to get all the bitches on the beaches and buy happiness and retire. He's obsessed with this mystery model, who is interjected into his conscious thoughts by his penis's consciousness, until he finally meets her, to find she's a gold digger just diggin' for gold at...you guessed it! None other than THE "Phat Beach." Special guest stars, Coolio, a hot dog, and a boom box.