spaceball87

You're not going to get away with giving birth to me, mother.

Woody Allen here. I'm filling in for your regular host, Scott Aukerman, who's visiting my mother's grave, as I advised him.

Do you think they have sesame seeds on Sesame Street? I'll bet they do. After all, the name of the show is "Sesame Street."

Watch out! Human body parts are falling from the sky! Oh, wait. False alarm. Those are just full-bodied human corpses.

I've got a pretty cool dad. I mean "cool" temperature-wise, because he's dead. Actually, he was kind of a loser when he was alive.

Today my orthodontist told me to "brace" myself for some great news, and then told me my dog had died. What a guy.

There are certain things that shouldn't be taken out of context. Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Shits Himself Pencil Sharpener?

I'm sorry, Mr. Lunderman, but no matter how much you hoot and flap your wings, I refuse to send my children to your owl school.

You mean EVERY t-shirt in this store has graphic pictures of me and my uncle on it?

Bet that would be a great fucking catchphrase.

My father hath two cabbages Yes, two cabbages he doth have. And when you see them cabbages You will surely become green with cabbage envy.

Crest Toothpaste – Wow! Incredible!

Colgate is a fine university, but when it comes to dental care, its toothpaste fails the class!

This isn’t you grandma’s toothpaste! If it was, she would still have all of her teeth!

iPhones, iPads? I know! Crest Toothpaste!

Don’t pro-Crest-inate – buy Crest Toothpaste today!

You can try eating bread without the crust, but you can’t brush your teeth without the Crest!

Try Crest Toothpaste – the Crest Toothpaste around!

I got 99 problems, including Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which makes it really frustrating not to have an even 100 problems.

The word "midget" gets thrown around carelessly these days, as do midgets.

Use Dove soap instead.

Hello, my name is Scott Aukerman, and I am a big doo doo head. Hey, wait a minute!

...for Melinda P. Rosewater, president of the I Hate Silence Foundation. Fuck you, Melinda.

If publicly urinating on midgets is a crime punishable by the amputation of one finger for every midget urinated on, then you're out of luck, because I only have ten fingers!

But the Daytona 500 is the only one that matters to me!