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Everything posted by Joven

  1. I dont think this has been posted yet (it was mentioned in a few other threads, but the title being made of small common words makes it hard to search for) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8h6pXPHaWM0 So I just watched the trailer for the first time, and it makes it sound like its trying to be a girly Ferris Beauler's Day Off, and it is so very much not. For starters: there is actually a very small amount of "girls having fun" in it. Secondly: fun isn't even remotely the point, nor is being rebellious, its all about a dance contest. A contest with seemingly no rules or organization, where you can turn up with your own dance partner or not and its still apparently random who you'll dance with (which is how our 2 heroes are brought together), or maybe bring a couple of partners (in the case of "paul rust and the miss cleos"), whatever. underage? they couldn't give a shit. This is a dance contest to be on a dancing TV show. A dancing TV show which brings you the latest in dancing news...DAILY. Its a daily show, its on every freakin day (mon-sat at least, no mention of a Sunday show, but I can only assume its there). So in essence this movie boils down to a couple things, bottomlessly terrible and incredibly flamboyant dance numbers/training montages, and stupid interactions of the characters as they form relationships and rivalries seemingly at random. Also, stupid clothes. Basically everything Helen Hunt wears is seemingly picked at random by going blind into a thrift store and anything she touches she puts on her body somehow (whether its clothes or not). From her giant yellow shirt with no back and giant toy grasshopper stuck on her head combo, to her furtrapping clown ensemble Not to mention her troll hair, velcro reversible schoolgirl skirt, and other things. And shes not the only fashion disaster (this is a dance movie after all, so theres plenty of goofy costumes) Just some random things this movie has: gymnastic nun, baby pizza, gay circus party crashers, peeping on naked siblings, offensive stereotypes, dance rape ala crossroads, SJP seemingly needing a pee in every scene, so many montages, torching a dog, and neon pink credits. I believe its on netflix instant (according to some site which lists those, but I dont have it to check), its also on Amazon instant but not on the prime (it is on youtube in full though), or you can pick it up at Cannes in the Helen Hunt movie section. (and i'll admit, i cheated and watched with a rifftrax - http://www.rifftrax....ack-productions )
  2. Ok, the basic premise; Its the dystopian future (of course it is, Chelsea Clinton is president.) Dean Cain is the most popular person IN THE WORLD (how do we know? Because everyone has a popularity index, like an ebay power selling rating or something, and his is the biggest, and a good 40% of the movie is filled with lines of people bitching about their popularity index number.) Why? Because he plays a game called Future Sport (duh)...which is basically Quidditch on the hoverboards from BttF2, inside a smallish half-pipe arena. Theres a war going on between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans or something, and theres terrorists, and they are after Dean Cain because he's...umm...he's...oh who the crap knows And Wesley Snipes is in it (it says "Special Guest Wesley Snipes", but he's in like half the scenes in the movie) oh, and he has dreads and a crazy stupid accent. Its basically The Mighty Ducks meets Running Man. So, watch this movie and RIDE THE LIGHTNING!
  3. Joven

    Santa with Muscles (1996)

    Need some festive music for the holidays, something about celebrating friends and family to get into the christmas spirit?
  4. This movie has actually quite a bit of ninjas and revenge, but it really isnt even about any revenge of the ninja. The story starts when our hero, an overlyguylinered Sho Kosugi was out for a relaxing stroll with his buddy, discount Will Farrell, to have a talk about how to exploit the growing craze of importing Japanese crap to gullible Americans (how meta.) So, while he's gone, his house is besieged by a group of slow moving ninjas/semaphore enthusiasts, and they kill most of our hero's overly Japanese family. So Sho easily dispatches the foes, and we find that only his infant son and his elderly mother made it out alive. So, who are these enemy ninjas who visited this horror upon this seemingly innocent group of people? What was their purpose? Who is their leader which Sho must surely get revenge on? Well, who gives a shit, its time to move to America to sell dolls! So, now we're in America getting the new Japanese doll gallery set up, discount Will Farrell (DWF) inspects the product and finds them great, "this gallery will be the best thing to happen to this town since...umm.....*walks off camera* (actual dialogue, no really.) These dolls are really something, DWF's girlfriend or whatever inspects the ninja doll which has its fake sword sharpened to a razor edge, as if thats not enough, Sho's dumb kid knocks the geisha over and all its heroin spills out (these dolls are gonna be recalled so fast.) So its at this point (20 minutes in) we're introduced to what passes for plot in this movie, DWF is actually using the dolls behind Sho's back to smuggle what can only be quite small amounts of heroin into the country (his first shipment, consists of 12 or so like 15inch porcelain dolls that have drugs inside them), which he then sells to the local stereotypical Italian mafia which is headed up by a real life ninja turtle. However, the deal goes sour because of reasons and DWF is out to get revenge, also he's a ninja...so I guess this is supposed to be his story? But he's the bad guy, and its not so much revenge as it is just a fight between 2 criminal organizations. DWF throws some things in his ninja briefcase and proceeds to assassinate some of the crime boss' family, so in revenge he sends his most trusted goon to go and steal all the little dolls. (he just screams 'enforcer for italian mafia') A fight with Sho breaks out and the baddies get away, but DWF was planning on ambushing the bad guys at the doll shop...only he was like super late for some reason, and all he managed to do was murder Sho's mother, who is also a ninja. After murdering her, he takes off both his masks (he has a ninja mask, and a shiny silver demon mask, because its harder to see the stuntma...i mean because it looks badass), This causes Sho's dumb kid, who is also a ninja, to see him and they kinda fight and the kid gets away, and goes into hiding. Now, Sho is helping the police deal with this mess, as he's considered their expert on ninja stuff now and wants to find his son, so him and his karate police buddy hit the street to find out information and decide to try and get some information from a gang of toughs. So a crappy fight breaks out, Sho and his police buddy beat them up and leave without questioning them, mission accomplished. Then a bunch of stupid crap happens, theres a fight between the dumb kid and DWF's girlfriend, who may also be Sho's girlfriend, not sure. DWF attempts to kill both the kid and her via a hot tub and a sauna while he goes and murders the human ninja turtle, a dumpy guy in sweatpants thinks superman is real, and then a never ending ninja fight ensues between Sho and DWF. The final clash of two highly trained ninjas is particularly epic, between the matryoshka ninja weapons (basically, if youve ever seen anything in a cheap mail order catalog labeled 'ninja weapon', its probably in this movie), robot doubles, and the flame throwing powers, combined with the slow telegraphed movement of two 70 year old drunken fat guys. Its really everything you would expect from a Golan Globus ninja movie. Also, if you watch it, theres a free rifftrax type commentary track thats quite good, available here - https://archive.org/...vengeOfTheNinja
  5. Did you people stare at a neon sign for too long, why are you talking about Jason like he has anything to do with this movie? If it wasnt for the honor system I'd ban all you loonies, I swear to ya!
  6. To tie it nicely to HDTGM, one of the characters does insult another by calling them a dildo, as Jason is wont to do. Theres kind of a lot to talk about in this movie, random things like what is the piece of farm equipment at the end, lady flashing herself in the mirror, outhouse duet serenade, and every second momma is on screen. Its also remarkable how much the main character looks like an older Corey Feldman, its pretty uncanny...perfect casting choice... Theres a really good iriff rifftrax available for this, which means I've watched this movie an unreasonable amount of times - http://www.rifftrax.com/iriff/hor-riff-ic-friday-the-13th-part-v (they've also done other HDTGM Halloween movies Halloween 3 and Sleepaway Camp.)
  7. Umm, excuse me, but Jeff Goldblum used a Mac... I take my ID4 lore VERY SERIOUSLY!
  8. From the IMDB quote page: "I saw... its thoughts. I saw what they're planning to do. They're like locusts. They're moving from planet to planet... their whole civilization. After they've consumed every natural resource they move on... and we're next. Nuke 'em. Let's nuke the bastards. " Even if there were other aliens, that whole distress signal thing is pretty crappy, it would take eons for the signal to reach the other ships...remember, these are aliens who needed to hijack our crappy satellites to actually communicate with each other on the other side of the planet, communications technology is clearly not their strong suit. I watched that movie way too damn many times, I take my ID4 lore very seriously, lol.
  9. Was it the same race of aliens? Or did they maybe stretch their think muscles to come up with a new one? Because it was established in the first movie that that was the entirety of that alien race's civilization which was destroyed.
  10. Joven

    Double Down (2005)

    Birdemic made more sense, and was a much much better put together movie too. Like at any given time you could at least describe a scene. "Oh, this is a scene where they need water, so wander aimlessly into the woods and meet a kindly wig enthusiast. Hark, a mountain lion approaches and bark beetles are borning down the forest for insurance money, time to flee." I dont think there were more than 2 or 3 coherent scenes in this entire movie, and thats stretching the definition of coherent quite a bit to get that many.
  11. Joven

    Double Down (2005)

    So I just watched this (in case anyone wondering, that link up there is the whole movie free on youtube)...and while I don't think it would make a good episode, its worth a watch, but I have questions. Mainly ones like, "Huh!?", "But, wait, what!?" and "No seriously, what the flying fuck?" Basically it brings to mind if like Meltdown and Jay Sherman's student film in The Critic had a crack baby that they then dropped on its head multiple times and vigorously rubbed a chunk of fool's gold into the wounds instead of taking it to the doctor. Also, I guess we're supposed to cheer the fact that a guy who is a terrorist for no reason decided to be slightly less terroristy at the last moment for no reason? And to connect with him as he seemingly gives up the terroristing by destroying his computers (which by the way was established he needed to constantly keep with him in order to not set off many other terroristalogical attacks he himself set up as a dead-man's switch thing...) Also, this movie had an editor! I don't fucking buy it. There were 2 even, if you count the lead/director/producer/caterer. So, other than the main character, who is the villain in this movie? Chronologically, what the fuck? Also what happened, if anything, over the course of this movie? Who was "him", and why would someone who is angered over the loss of his own fiance who was killed to get to him be so easy to go along with a "kill this guy's loved ones to get to him" plan? Who drinks a glass of champagne with a whole strawberry in it? What branch of the military's uniforms are denim vests? How did they know he would step in that gum? How do you hack into an 80s Ferrari with a cell phone? WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?! Basically, this movie would have made more sense if it was about a sentient KFC Double Down.
  12. Joven

    The Lake House (2006)

    Clearly you haven't posted the reply from 3 months ago yet. 2 years down the road after HDTGM finally do this episode you used the StumbleUpon extension to wind up at an old geocities site with a bunch of animated mailbox gifs, that had a webring link that took you to this thread from Feb 10th, where you thought you havent posted yet and needed to rectify that.
  13. Joven

    Episode 133 - The Quest

    It wasn't the announcers, it was just Maxie, who I'm fairly certain hadn't been hired by the tournament in any official capacity. Unless he preemptively applied for it just in case JCVD lost the first round and needed a job at his new residence.
  14. Joven

    Episode 133 - The Quest

    I guess a catch-up, I've been listening to Decoder Ring Theatre, a podcast that does shows in the style of old fashioned radio plays. I've recently finished all the currently released ones of the pulp hard boiled detective series Black Jack Justice, which was really good. Can't say I like their other show, The Red Panda Adventures, nearly as much though. Its OK, I guess, its like a more lighthearted and Canadian version of The Shadow, performances are OK but its not really my thing. They only come out once a month though, and tend to alternate between Black Jack Justice and Red Panda Adventures, with some side stuff coming in the middle of the month sometimes, so theres not a huuge amount of content that comes out regularly, but its all well acted and a lot of effort has clearly been put into it.
  15. Joven

    Episode 133 - The Quest

    Did she though? On one hand, she says her father owns the paper, but I got the sense that she saw through Dobbs' nonsense but found him interesting, and was inflating her own importance. So, oh, you're a lord...well my father owns the New York Times. Having fun by bullshitting a bullshitter. I mean I'm not 100% sure on that, one could make the case that if she wasn't connected why would they send her across the world to "get her out of our hair" instead of just firing her...but on the other hand, if she was, why would you ever tell her that? Plus, the guy on the phone didn't recognize her by her by name immediately.
  16. Joven

    Episode 133 - The Quest

    So maybe it was just the version I watched, and theres a directors cut with 2 seconds extra footage, but why didn't China vs Brazil warrant an announcement? That was the only one in the movie I believe where the fighters just popped into the ring to fight each other on their own. Was it an editing mistake, or was it somewhat unsanctioned and the Chinese fighter was getting psyched into his monkey role for the next match, and the Brazilian was wearing a Carmen Miranda hat and everything just spiraled out of control? And the tournament judges, being kinda loosey goosey already, just rolled with it?
  17. Joven

    Episode 133 - The Quest

    So I was hoping in order to tie G Gundam into this movie a bit more that Neo-Mongolia would have been something good, like a Genghis Khan theme or something, but it was just kinda bland. Specially compared to Neo-Egypt, which is a giant robotic mummy, which is piloted by an actual mummy, or Tequila Gundam of Neo-Mexico (which itself is a giant space sombrero/cactus). The crowning jewel I guess, even more so than the windmill gundam, or the one with a literal viking ship attached is Zebra Gundam: So, in a step above The Quest, instead of being from Africa as a whole, they at least made it from Kenya. Also in a bit of a correction, they said the Spanish fighter was just in slacks, but it looked like he was going for a bull fighter kind of motif. Although I don't know how round kicks to the face would play against a bull. And he kind of had a Xena style thing he did when attacking that was kinda weird. Maybe bull fighters do that, too? At any rate all I know about Spain and fighting is about bulls, they fight bulls and they run from bulls, so of course if they were to build a giant robot to represent their country's martial prowess... Also, in the Spain vs Russia fight, again playing to the stereotypes of Spanish guys being suave womanizers, they had him give a sensual look to the reporter lady that just really emphasized the fact that she is literally the only woman there. (at least in Bloodsport there were a couple other random background ladies all dressed up pretending like the Kumite was some special event and not just basically a warehouse half the size of a middle school basketball court crammed full of unwashed peasants with a single platform in the middle and hard wooden benches.)
  18. Joven

    Episode 133 - The Quest

    So the thing with Maxie I dont get is, why didn't he do anything the entire movie? Mostly he was there to provide like a minor amount of emotional support, but having forgetting most the movie since last I saw it, I was really expecting him to teach JCVD a move, or a skill or something. Like he kept yelling at him to "cover up" because JCVD keeps letting himself get punched in the damn face (and he never does cover up), but I was really expecting like a "here's the story of how I became the champ...such and such was coming at me and I did MY ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE, and blamo, that boiled his potatus. Here let me show you that thing so it can come in handy at a dramatic moment." Also, not sure if anyone here has ever watched G Gundam, but its basically like this movie in giant robots, except way dumber and way more comically racist, so its great...but Maxie Divine has a spiritual successor in Neo America's boxing champion Chibodee Crocket. Both really scrawny heavyweight boxing champs with all-American down home names.
  19. Joven

    Dreamcatcher (2003)

    Harry Potter and the Covenant of South Shore
  20. Joven

    The Lost Boys (1987)

    I dont think the main kid's clothes can even be explained simply by "it was the 80s". I mean, what was going on there? Like, if this was another late 80s movie..like say, Hobgoblins. Vampire-hunter Corey would be Nick, and Just-moved-there Corey would be Daphne. Except even her outfits aren't as strange I feel.
  21. Joven

    Street Fighter (1994)

    They can't, because there's just too much controversy over what exactly a street fighter is, it just might be too offensive.
  22. Joven

    Episode 131.5 - Minisode 131.5

    Anyone ever see The Quest? Am I misdisremembering, or is that basically just this movie? I'm pretty sure they have even 75% of the same opponents in the tournament, even have the guy who pretends to be a monkey and a tiger, except he grew a pedo stash.
  23. Joven

    Episode 131 - The Covenant

    Of course not, as the master of fan fiction, Hans von Hozel, demonstrates: ---- All the Covenants wanted to use on their powers. "When we use our powers!" say the Covenants, "It makes a drugs!" And so the Covenants used their powers. They made a happy danube in the sky. The people saw the Covenants happy powers, and wanted to make a using of these. "WE WANT YOUR POWERS ALSO!" say the people, and they go Covenant hunting! The Covenants hide in a castle, but the people knocked down the roof and a splat. "Oh no!" say the people, "We have crush Covenants and now not powers for us!!!!" The people made a sadly. They had destroyed all powers. ---