Blast Hardcheese

With the right amount of Zucker Abrahams Zucker retooling--and if Leslie Neilsen were still alive--this movie could have been a great Die Hard parody titled... Try Hard! (((Ba-duh-dun.)))

What was your first episode of HDTGM? My first episode of HDTGM was Punisher: War Zone. Years after this movie's theatrical release, I was curious-enough to watch this gonzo action film. After doing so, I scoured the Internet for more information on it and stumbled upon the HDTGM episode with Patton Oswalt and director Lexi Alexander. I was hooked on this show--the first I have actually ever listened to--instantly. From there, both my wife and I started devouring all of the back episodes between the weeks when new episodes would appear. My wife, Amy, now listens to a wide range of podcasts (My Favorite Murder, James Bonding, The Dollup, Myths and Legends, Sordid Details, Do You Need A Ride?, etc, etc.), and her listening habits/fandom can be directly attributed back to HDTGM. When Patton Oswalt came to Powell's Books here in Portland to promote his book, Silver Screen Fiend, my wife and I asked him to sign a DVD copy of Punisher: War Zone (which he graciously did) and we thanked him for essentially introducing us to this wonderful podcast that has been a huge part of our lives. Favorite catchphrase? "Hello people of Earth." While "What's up, jerks" and What's it's mission?!?" are great catchphrases, Paul's "Hello people of Earth" will always be my favorite. This is going to sound cheesy, but Paul's introduction makes me feel, as a listener, included in on this wonderful thing only my fellow bad movie-loving misfits know about and enjoy. A clip or moment that you'll always remember? (timestamps are nice ) The one moment from an episode that comes immediately to mind is from the Batman and Robin episode where Jessie Falcon does the imitation of the X-Men movie producer: "They will be on snowboards, claw fighting the entire way down." The episode you revisit the most I bring this episode up quite a bit, but hands-down my favorite is 88 Minutes. This episode is nothing but wall-to-wall jokes, laughter and spot-on insight into an insane (and insanely re-watchable) movie. Pete Holmes laughter is infectious, and his Al Pacino impression ("Give me your fuckin' phone, you cock sucker!") is absolutely amazing. This episode (much like this week's, Action Jackson) is so much fun to listen to. It's one I definitely go back to when I need a comedy pick-me-up. The movie that you loved or hated watching Van Helsing. I both loved and hated this movie. I remember only watching the first couple of minutes of this movie when it first came out on home video and turning it off about 10 minutes in: the campy acting and trite action movie plot were too much for me at the time. Thankfully, when it was announced for HDTGM, I watched it from beginning to end with my wife, who was absolutely giddy at the film's sheer a awfulness. Seeing her enjoy the insane plot contrivances, blistering CGI and over-the-top hammy acting made watching this film so much fun. My wife's pretty much the best bad movie watching partner in the world. How HDTGM fits into your weekly routine I have Fridays off from work, which is when new episode and minisodes usually land. While I'm straightening up the house, doing laundry and generally getting shit done, HDTGM is beaming either from my TV or through my earbuds. When there is a particular movie I really want to comment on, I'll sit down and take the time to craft observations I hope Paul, June, Jason, and the message board will hopefully find entertaining, funny and not a complete waste of their time. What the show has meant to you after all these years or any other sappy stuff  This is going to sound sappy as all get out, but HDTGM is like family to my wife and me. We've spent seven years listening to this show, and it never fails to entertain us or lift our spirits when we're down. Not to give away to much of the store, but I suffer from depression (anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks, etc) and I've been slowly learning how to positively navigate my way through it all. HDTGM plays a huge part in helping me tackle my depression. When I lost my sister in 2014, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer a year ago (she's recovering now), I'd listen to old episode of HDTGM to get me through. I don't know Paul, Jason or June personally, but I love, admire and respect them as if I did. That old cliche about people you'd want to get a beer with? It totally applies here. This show has been there for me when I needed it most, helping me to realize the world is a great place with wonderful, talented and like-minded people in it. Our fellow fans on the message board are an absolutely delightful and intelligent group of compatriots, and my wife and I look forward to their hilarious insights and observations each week. Thankfully, there's no troll-like shittiness there: just people who love bad movie as much as my we do. HDTGM means quite a bit to us. If the show ever makes it's way up to Portland, there will be two goofy fans up here waiting to welcome you guys with open arms (arms we promise not to utilize to grab the mic during the audience Q & A). Thank you Paul, Jason, June, the crew, and the message board for making HDTGM one of the absolute best things in the world!

Happy 200th episodes, Paul, Jason and June! This episode is hilarious and so much fun. It ranks right up there with my personal favorite, 88 Minutes. I'm lucky enough to be married to a woman who loves 80 action movies (Lethal Weapon, Beverly Hills Cop, Die Hard--essentially the films Action Jackson is in the center of the Venn diagram of). She had never seen, let alone heard of, Action Jackson, so this was her first time watching this endlessly entertaining film. Needless to say, she absolutely loved it. "This movie is fuckin' perfect!" she exclaimed 20 minutes in. It was so much fun watching this movie with her (I haven't seen it in over 20 years since first watching it on VHS) and we had a blast. Thank you for making this movie HDTGM's 200th. Okay, so never having tried heroin, I have to admit that I am not exactly an expert on this illicit drug. My general knowledge of its addiction is derived primarily from seeing it portrayed in films like Trainspotting, Pulp Fiction and Requiem for a Dream. In Action Jackson, it's established that Dellaplane has hooked Vanity on heroin (or, is he fostering her already established addiction--this guy's a creep, so either way... ). Okay, but does the old-timey syringe she uses look a bit too hefty for shooting-up with? It looks like the kind of syringe an veterinarian would use on large animals. Then there's the effect the drug has on Vanity: instead of coming across as lethargic and, well, stupor-y, she's acts like a fidgety, drunken sex-pot who, once she gets back to apartment, has "the munchies." Now, I don't want to say that the filmmakers had a sub-remedial understanding of heroin addiction, but their portrayal of it is like a grab bag of lurid addiction symptoms à la Refer Madness. Dellaplane owns a car company located in Detroit, MI, a highly competitive market which is dominated by "the big three": Ford, Chevrolet and Dodge. Dellaplane's company doesn't seem to produce any other models of cars other than the two-door sports car that looks suspicious like a Pontiac Fiero with 80's Ferrari vents glued on to the side of it, so how successful can this guy really be? Additionally, Dellaplane, a "successful" automobile magnate, is driven around town not in a luxury car manufactured by his own company, but rather in a Mercedes Benz limo instead. Also, the establishing shot of his narrow, multi-story factory (which must be super convenient for mass producing cars on an assembly line) shows a large, old brick building with several windows busted out. The guy can afford a private army of assassins (with an endless supply of butterfly knives), fund a convoluted murder scheme and lives in a very nice old school mansion, but he can't repair the windows in his company's headquarters? It was mentioned during the podcast how the producers came up with the name Action Jackson, and an Australian crew member exclaimed, "I'm in like... " yadda, yadda, yadda. Action Jackson is actually the name of a line of action figures produced by the Mego Corporation during the 1970's. The commercials had a pretty catchy theme song: "Action Jackson is my name/Bold adventure is my game!" which , incidentally, was also sung by by Joel and the Bots on an episode of MST3K. Anyhoo... here is one of the Action Jackson television commercials: Lastly, the actor who played the butler in Action Jackson is Nicholas Worth. He was also in another great action movie: Sam Raimi's Dark Man. He sadly passed away in 2007.

Oh, and Madonna performing the theme song and appearing in a cameo! Also, The Clash's "London Calling" morphing into an Imperial March-esque theme telegraphing who the villain is before we get to meet him.

Cam, you are absolutely spot on. By the end of the film, Kyle hasn't learned to be a more thoughtful person but rather someone who can mimic human emotions in a convincing way. The scene with NPH getting his sight back would have been much better if he looked down at his outfit and said, "What the fuck have I been wearing all this time?"

Okay, okay okay... 1. What's ultimately in it for Kendra/The Witch for her to do what she does in this movie? Yes, Kyle is a shallow and vociferous douche bag, but how would his winning the presidency of the green ...initiative (?) really effect her life? He gives his speech to the school, she vandalizes his many, many campaign posters. Okay, tit for tat. When he tries to humiliate her at the school dance (taking place at a trendy New York bar for no reason), she doesn't seem particularly bothered by it, like, at all. Later, when "Hunter" is trying to find Kendra to reverse the spell, he tracks her down at the high school's Halloween block party, where she's just hanging out and dancing around like it ain't no thing. For a supposed outcast, she doesn't seem to be uncomfortable zipping in and out of the school's socials functions. Her character comes across as the being who knows the full extent of her supernatural powers and, because of that knowledge, has no absolutely fucks to give: casting this spell/curse on Kyle and behaving the petty manner she does seems like a complete waste of her time and powers. Had she been portrayed as being bullied, harassed or maligned for being different, that would give her motive and the movie stakes. But, she's lashing-out at one guy in her school (who is, admittedly a prick, but not really a serious threat to her at all) and using her considerable powers to teach him (and, as implied at the end of the film, his father) a lesson makes her unsympathetic: she has nothing to gain and no real wrongs to reverse. I'd argue that Kendra acting upon her petty whims makes her the bully/antagonist of the film, not Kyle. 2. On that note: to lift the curse, Kyle, a thoughtless asshole who puts more stock into one's physical appearance than the content of their character, has to convince someone to love him in spite of the marring of tattoos, open (yet bloodless) wounds, nose boils, and solder scoring to lift the curse Kendra put on him (seriously, she should have instead just turn Kyle into a middle-aged schlub, transported him to L.A. and wish him luck with). Why condemn some hapless innocent into this game or ridicule and retribution? If Kendra's plan is to make petty jerks learn to be better people, why not go after bigger game (cough *Trump* cough) and do so without manipulating the emotions of an additional person who's oblivious to what's actually going on and can potentially get their heart broken? Kendra is a thoughtless asshole. 3. Rather than setting him up at Brooklyn brownstone, why doesn't Kyle's father just hide the now-deformed son he's ashamed of at the much more secluded cabin-mansion upstate? 4. Lindy's reaction to Kyle/Hunter at the end of this film should have been, "What. The. FUCK, Kyle?!? You're Hunter? You blackmailed my father into sending me to live with you?? And magic is real??? I can't fuckin' process any of this shit right now!" Which is then immediately followed by her running away from Kyle in any direction as fast as she can. 5. Frank O'Hara's "Sharing A Coke with You" may be a celebrated and beloved poem (right?), but does its inclusion in this film feel like blatant product placement for Coca-Cola to anyone else?

This is the best news I've heard in quite a long time.

Totally agree! The Laz lacks Connery's charisma, Moore's smarmy charm, Dalton's steely determination, Brosno's hammy wit, or Craig's Craig-ness. Also, for a guy who bailed on the Bond franchise to get hippie wet, Lazenby sure did a lot of guest appearances in what were essentially "Bond cosplay" to remind audiences that he once (!) played the suave British secret agent. In the Master Ninja II episode of MST3K, for instance, Lazenby plays "Chip" Bond-like character, complete with tuxedo, gadgets and a vintage Aston-Martin DB-9 he stole from the set of Goldfinger.

This is my first time posting over here on the Unspooled message board, but since Double Indemnity is my absolute favorite movie of all time I thought I'd chime in with some of my thoughts regarding the film. 1. Every time Edward G. Robinson is on the screen in this film does for me what I often hear people who discuss Heath Ledger' s Joker does for The Dark Knight (and deserving so: Ledger was a revelation in that roll of course). One of my favorite aspects of Keyes' character is that, true to his last name, he's able to gleefully unlock Phyllis and Walter's scheme (up to a point), even going so far to realize that Mr. Dietrichson wasn't even on the train, but rather a "someone else" posing as him. Papa's got it all figured out. 2. Paul questioned a couple of times why this movie has never been remade, but it actually was. In the mid-70's Double Indemnity got a hilariously abyssal, shot-for-near-shot made-for-TV update starring Rambo's William Crenna. It came as a bonus disc with the remastered Universal Legacy Series edition of Double Indemnity, and deserves a HDTGM outing all its own (the TV version, that is). One of the most entertaining scene in the remake is when the main characters "attempt" the famous "How fast was I going, officer?" scene, and it just deflates right there in front of the camera before the scene gets going, as if the actors just got tired and gave up. 3. When he wasn't ripping off Quentin Tarantino's early films wholesale, British director Guy Ritchie would find time to lift and mutate lines of dialogue from other famous films as well. For example, here's a line of dialogue from Benicio Del Toro's Franky Four Fingers in 2000's Snatch "I am not in Rome, Doug. I'm in a rush," which is a simply variation on Keye's "Well, we're not in Medford now, we're in a hurry." Revenge for what we did to The Office? Who knows? 4. Billy Wilder's follow-up, The Lost Weekend is a direct jab at Raymond Chandler, as the character in that film is supposed to be Chandler himself.

Of the various problems with this movie, I think the lack of charisma of its stars is one of the main culprits to it being as horrible as it is. In particular, Judd Law is woefully mis-cast in a roll that should have gone to someone who could pull off that certain Indian Jones/Han Solo-like smart ass swagger. I'm thinking of an actor along the lines of the Ryan Reynolds, Sam Rockwell or James Roday. Someone who can provide levity, charm and is instantly relatable to the audience. Judd Law is a great actor, but in this roll he came off as stuffy, poncy and smug. You know: traits the hero's nemesis should have. Or better yet, re-cast this role as a strong, intelligent female daredevil with the confidence and joie de vivre of a character like Roxy Rocket. Ta-da!

As Hans Gruber's younger brother, Simon, no less. So yeah: forever in the shadow of greatness.

I know good weird movies a la Crank 1 & 2, Punisher: Warzone and the Fast/Furious franchise are few and far between on HDTGM these days, but if you had your druthers, what good-yet-strang-ish movies would you like to see Paul, June, Jason, and a guest discuss. To get the ball rolling, here are some of mine: 1. The American Astronaut (2001) 2. A Boy and His Dog (1975) 3. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984) 4. Johnny Suede (1991) 5. Dead Alive (1992) 6. Repo Man (1984) 7. Suburbia (1983) 8. They Live (1988) 9. Murder Party (2007) 10. May (2002)

I know most of what I've written below was broached by other posters on this forum, but I basically wrote the following (which was transcribed my copious notes) last Saturday night (whoo-hoo!) when I watched this movie: I have to admit that I was actually (and ashamedly) excited to hear that Goestorm was this week’s movie: I was curious about this film and finally had an excuse to watch it and see what all the fuss was about. After paying $6 to see it on Amazon Prime (!), however, I quickly realized why this movie is so derided. Geostorm isn’t a “so bad it’s good” movie: It’s just bad. Geostorm is a CGI-heavy disaster-fetish movie that would have felt right at home in the 90’s (the decade that, of course, gave cinema goers the floodgate-opening blockbuster Independence Day), but by today’s post-911, post-Katrina trauma and mistrust standards feels depressingly out of place and naïve. Everything from the forgettable and familiar, one-dimensional character tropes (and these character’s odd, superficial familiar-ness with one another), to the half-baked “conspiracy at the highest levels of government” plotline, to the main character’s flippant and douche-y attitude in the face of extreme life and death circumstances feel painfully dated and labored. Maybe the director and producers were gunning for a quainter era of grandiose screen death and destruction: I don’t know. Geostorm failed as a movie, and failed in a spectacularly underwhelming and under-entertaining fashion. Of the many, many perplexing story devices in Geostrom, none irked me more than the Scooby Doo-esque reveal by Ed Harris’ Secretary of State character in utilizing the weather satellites (which, side note, Gerard Butler’s character takes credit for designing, but I have a feeling he just ripped off the idea from either Superman III or that episode of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero where Destro built a “weather dominator”) to destroy America’s enemy’s. Okay, but… As we learn in the opening voiceover from Butler’s character’s world-weary 14 going on 40 year-old daughter, the nations of Earth have put aside their differences to come together and confront extreme weather events head-on. Nowhere in this movie are we told—or are they even alluded to—who America’s enemies are. We are left to presume that America’s closest threats are the ones we have now: state actors and terrorist cells. But, these threats are never expounded on. Also, are Brazil, Japan and China (three countries we see horrifically devastated in this grand scheme) our enemies in the movies universe? The other portion of this movie that annoyed the shit out of me was the relationship between Butler’s characters brother (I’ll call him “Mini Mullet”) and Abby Cornish. These two work in the White House and can’t let it be known that they are dating, for some reason (I honestly tuned-out for parts of this movie, so there may have been an explanation, I dunno… ) That being said, what is the point of this? Their secret love affair places zero strain on their relationship and they seem to be relatively carefree and a happy, domestically. Also, for a secret relationship, they do a shit job of hiding it, as they both live together. I’m sure the HR rep at the White House who refuses to give these clandestine lovers the workplace romance rights and responsibilities statutes review would have no problem putting two and two together to see they both live at the exact same address. Lastly, who is this movie made for? In watching this endless stream of death, destruction, wooden acting, and desperate stabs at humor, I was left to wonder, “Who enjoys watching this shit?” Aren’t movies supposedly a form of escapist entertainment? What audience actually enjoys watching amplified, ham-handed computer-rendered versions of the shit that causes us real-life grief, misery and anxiety? At one point, I think it was during either the flash freezing of Rio de Janeiro beach-goers or the satellite disintegration scene, I unconsciously blurted out, “Oh, fuck you, movie!” at my television. This movie took me to a place I did not like. A bad touch kind of place. Paul, having now endured this slog of a movie, can we please get Tank Girl (the perfect bookend to Johnny Mnemonic, in my humble opinion) or The Day After Tomorrow for the next (or an upcoming) episode of HDTGM? These movies are endlessly entertaining and bananas in all the ways Geostorm most assuredly was not.

TOTALLY!!!

Completely agree. "Welcome to Mars" is one of the best opening songs in the history of moving pictures.

I would say that this Tears For Fears cover actually does something different with the source material and it's really novel and well executed. What I'm talking about are these nameless, faceless (can anyone name the "artists" performing these songs?), slow, morose, and suicide-inducing covers with wafer-thin, delicate vocals that are in EVERY film trailer these days. These covers are supposed to denote gravity and manipulate emotions, usually juxtaposed with 'splosions, characters looking off into the distance, and armies running into confrontation. I feel like the last one I heard was a cover of "All Along the Watchtower."

I know it's not necessarily a sign of a bad movie, but: trailers with melancholy covers songs. What's with this trend? I mean, seriously, who hears these slow-motion butchered songs with fragile-voiced singers and are all, like, "I gotta pay money to see this sad shit!"?

Oh my gawd! I totally forgot about this movie. Yes, totally! The Brother from Another Planet and The American Astronaut would make for a perfect double feature. Whenever I recommend The American Astronaut to anyone looking for an odd movie recommendation, I'll usually describe it as Eraserhead meets Firefly meets Rock And Roll High School. This still doesn't seem to do this amazingly efficient sci-fi indie musical justice, though.

I saw this movie and Johnny Mnemonic back-to-back when I insisted on renting both on VHS, much to my then-girlfriend's dismay. I know this is why she broke up with me not too soon after and I 100% do not blame her in the least.

Even the title is egregious: don't blame Rio de Janeiro for your dark-hearted incest fantasies, film producers!

It's directed by Madonna while she was still married to Guy Richie (natch!) It most likely killed the curiosity surrounding indie-Gypsy-punks Gogol Bordello. It feels like a what-if involving the collective conscious of Wal-Mart shoppers in the Bible Belt attempting to make their approximation of a soft core porno. The sex object-ettes in this cinematic version of lighting a cigar made of $100 bills with a lit $100 bill are dressed in lingerie for most of the movie, and you want to start a Gofundme to provide these lifeless-eyed actresses with clothes, blankets and warm meals. It's called Filth and Wisdom, and is light on both. It's either this, or Swept Away.

Oof! That's a tough one.

Did anyone else notice that two scenes from this movie are used in the 1993 film True Romance? In that film, during the scene at the Safari Inn where Clarence (Christian Slater) and Dick (Michael Rappaport) discuss selling cocaine to a Hollywood mogul, Alabama (Patricia Arquette) turns on the TV and immediately the scene in Freejack with Renee Russo's closeup during Emilio Estevez's character's car crash blares onto the screen. Later in True Romance, Dick's stoner roommate Floyd (Brad Pit) is zoning out in front of the television to the "mind battle" between Esteves and Anthony Hopkins. When I first watched True Romance, I kind of figured that the producers used footage from Freejack due to solely to economic concerns (both films were released by Morgan Creek a year apart from each other). However, it's possible that the directer, Tony Scott (working from a script written by none other than Quentin Tarantino), was making a fairly pointed, sub-textual commentary on society's mindless, unquestioning consumption of garbage entertainment like Freejack. Having never seen Freejack (up until this point, that is), it's two scenes in True Romance made it look absolutely bizarre and ridiculous (and it also give you a short and accurate synopsis of the film: guy dies, guy fights rich guy). I was pleasantly surprised to see, all these decades later, that Freejack is so, so, so much worse than portrayed in True Romance.

I love the insanely wonderful and hilarious amount of guests HDTGM has featured in 80+ episodes. Here is a list, in no particular order, of some very funny people I'd love to hear sit-in with Paul, June and Jason: Lake Bell Joel Hodgson Michael J. Nelson The Duplass Brothers Katie Aselton Louis C.K. David Wain Neko Case Sarah Silverman David Cross Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein Mike Birbiglia

The movie was a tremendous hit for a then-struggling Warner Bros. It really only contains two sections of sound dialogue and music: the famous "You ain't heard anything yet" line, and a scene between Jolson and the actress playing his on-screen mother. When Jolson's voice came over the screen in these two sections, it's reported that audiences were on their feet, applauding. This was around the time when several studios were experimenting with adapting sound to their films, and outfitting their theaters with costly sound systems, so sound wasn't necessarily a new concept by the time The Jazz Singer was released (The Lumière Brothers first experimented with sound recording technology for film which Thomas Edison soon capitalized on, introducing the concept of syncing film with recorded discs early on, which never took off). But The Jazz Singer was the first film to capitalize on the emerging technology by doing it so dynamically. But of course there is the use of blackface, which has definitely not aged well and overshadows the achievements in sound this film should otherwise be celebrated for.