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Pure Guava

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Posts posted by Pure Guava

  7. Posted

    On the one hand, glue is cheap and plentiful. On the other hand, tape is less messy. On the other hand AHHHHH!!!! 3 HANDS?????!!!!??!! I should have known that building a Pinebox Derby car with Dr. Moreau would lead to horrific physical additions but on the other hand OH NO HE ADDED ANOTHER ONE WHILE I WAS PONTIFICATING AHHHH

  8. Posted

    This is clearly subpar work from the one known as Pure Guava. The only thing pure about this catchphrase is that I want to pure gasoline all over myself and self-immolate as a protest against low quality catchphrase submissions.

     

    Ouch, this kitten has apparently borrowed some other cat's claws since I've declawed him myself only 2 weeks prior. The pain Professor Whiskers St. Archie Shitbox in My House Bunker Kitty has bestowed upon me in critique form has me seeing stars.....and I'm not among them due to my hurried and harried attempt at making Scott turn one side of his pursed lips skyward slightly in a wry amusement tableau I can see so clearly it's almost like he is right front of me now instead of at the end of this high powered military grade telescope like usual (usual = 6AM to 4AM Sunday through Saturday...hey, I'm not lazy, it's just that a girl has got to fit her beauty sleep in somewhere, ya brute.

  13. Posted

    I’d like to welcome a very special guest to the Earwolf forums: My dead sexist grandpa.

    Dead sexist grandpa: “Virtual reality is the only reality where a woman could be my brain surgeon” 

    Me: “That is awful. I should have known better Get back in the ground, apologies to anyone reading this but especially Dr. S.”

     

     

     

     

  15. Posted

    time machine would be easier

     

    trick is finding a pilot

     

    You like 18th century fashion? PayPal some sweet sweet cheddar to monterhey@gmail.com and I'll find you a pilot that can get you close enough to Marie Antoinette's closet you can smell the lack of daily bathing and deodorant from inside the time portal

    You like the American Revolution? Go ahead and send some gold bars to that PayPal so you can brush George Washington's dentures....with poison. That's right, let's see how revolutionary America would be without the stoic dentured freak keeping liberty in line. The power vacuum would cause such chaos you might be stuck fighting Indians and Redcoats while we figure out how to fix a 24th century machine in 1700's Colonyburghsylvannia. Maybe we hook Benjamin Franklin up with some future (to him) science books, cook his noodle a little bit see if he can get his key to shock us back to functioning fully. Note to self: bring future tools and extra fuel on all time trips to avoid played out plot devices such as time machine breaking down in past. What's gonna happen next, gonna hook our DeLorean to a town clock on a stormy night? Get original, me or you are off this writing team. Sorry. No problem.

    You like rubbing your junk on pyramids? PayPal some clinky clinky change to yours truly and I'll have you tea bagging King Tut, the real King Tut, before he's even whisked off to space to join the star children. Yeah, there'll be some pyramids, don't get your teabag all twisted there sailor

     

     

  16. Posted

    Itsa me, Mario. Itsa him, Luigi. Itsa you, player one. Itsa her, player two. Itsa we, everyone I just named. Itsa us, all of us, there is only one consciousness, and it permeates the fabric of the Universe and is within all things

  17. Posted

    GOD DAMNIT MUST THIS MAN, HIM, ME,  I LIVE IN PERPETUAL SHAME FOR HIS, MINE, MY TRIVIAL SIN OF CARING TOO MUCH....Pause for crowd to catch it's collective breath after I just swept the leg Johnny'd them all, emotionally, in the leg. It was there in the leg that I done did sweeping them with emotions, Johnny's leg style. You see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it's quite easy to see the damage that this one slip of the catchedphrasius linguitairium, otherwise known as "the tongue" which mother phrasius and father phrasius understand the reasonings why you would change your name to tongue but that doesn't mean we HAVE TO LIKE IT...Pa use for crowd to catch a rising star, when none is brought to me I improvise: YES....AND?...Pause for crowd to catch a big fish. When no water located to go fishing in due to us being in a courtroom it is suddenly remembered why the courtroom is packed so the judge immediately calls for recess in order for us to forget again. I immediately peg Mark of teh Best in the ear with a dodgeball made of prison shanks. I warned him if he lumped me into the CCC against my will I would have to take drastic action and leave spastic fractions. The former was in the form of ______________________________heh heh, that blank space is a virtual reality preview of what Mark's hearing is like for the next few months. For the latter I rolled around in chalk dust and had multiple seizures on my way home from Mark's reckoning. CCClass was now in session, bitch. Which means I'm late, may I be excused?

     

  18. Posted

    On 9/19/2018 at 4:21 PM, Drew said:

    YEEEEESSSSS! Please do reviews of her HBO series "Big Little Gays"

    Hey! Reese is my co-star and my friend and further more...oh wait you're not at all disparaging her but HEY! That's my show I co-star on with my friend and co-star Fleece Smothersmoons, and hey, it's called "HBO's Little Liars Lying Bigly Series on HBO" not what you wrote which is too silly to write and my laptop is at 2% and this REM b-side just came on shuffle so I can't argue with you anymore I'm too distracted by my Hollywood lifestyle and Hollywood abs to spend time on this anymore. Reese is a genuinely warm and funny person to be around, just a doll, amazing smile and you should try her special recipie Georgia Peach Brownie Lemonade only a true southern girl could pull something like that off and boy does she pull something like that, off it goes! This is Adam S, signing off from a movie set and tv trailer only in Hollywood, living the dream!

  19. Posted

    I applaud this person for juggling so many plates at one spin simultaneously , I mean come on,  Doctor? Check. Army Baker? Check. Owner of a cat named Quin that plays music? CHECK! And apparently an expert in abusing children and alienating her parents? I guess wearing so many finger pies in one hat at the same time would cause any one of us to have a less than stellar home life but fuck that noise, Dr. Army Baker is making sure our boys in blue in the field in the battle lines have cupcakes and souffles to nurse their war wounds and to make friendly fire a little more friendly. Because the fire is Dr. Baker's oven and the friendly is all of us who support the troops rights to kill bears with their arms, WHAT'S FAIR IS FAIR, BILLIE JEAN IS  A LEGEND BUT DR. ARMY BAKER IS LEGENDARY. SAY MEOW TO YOUR CAT QUIN FOR ME DR.B!

  20. Posted

    I think Andy Daly could be found guilty of setting fire to an orphanage that specialized in extra cutie-wutie war orphan patooties that spoke the kind of fractured English that advanced gypsies teach their offspring to mimic in order to maximize heartstrings tugged which of course equals more dollars given but I digress, Andy Daly is so mother fucking talented that even the life imprisonment even the guilty plea to 322 counts of first degree murder even if it was 318 teensy tiny widdle  yummy tummy kids ages 1 mo. through 11 years (4 of the deaths were boring old ugly 1 or 2 parent having nuns blechhhh) even if during the trial it came to light that each of Andy's characters were actually based on real-life people he would stalk, kidnap, learn to impersonate, strangle and finally eat portions of their brain and hearts to "bring a sense of authenticity to the performance" I would still re-listen to seasons 1 and 2 annually if not more AND would be the first one in line to purchase the Patreon subscription to his prison-based podcast that he records on a smuggled in cell phone that I will be more than happy to shove into my body cavity if it means NEW CONTENT FROM the Michael Jordan of Podcastian Delights (Mr. Daly earns that hallowed title because of his little-known ability to dunk from the free throw line). 

  23. Posted

    On 9/24/2018 at 2:22 AM, Pure Guava said:

    Poll Closes Friday the 28th.

    At noon PST (Pureguava? Sexy, Timeless)

    On 9/25/2018 at 11:44 AM, Colfax McLiverneck said:

    Less porn, more corn.

    And that, graduating class of 2089, is the first time New Iowa's state motto was uttered, causing a chain reaction in which a ragtag group of teenage farmers toppled governments, an ear of corn became king, that Corn King became Corn God, and I know what your thinking right now, hey prez, what about the ladies ????::insane cheering and bedlam ensue:: Oh, I'll tell you about the ladies.... Lemme break it down for you

    ::beat boxing champion CyberRon appears next to the University President, drops epic beat, bedlam morphs into Beatlemania-esque insanity and near rioting::

    President then grabs pimp chalice and cane and proceeds to....oh no then my laptop grew wings and flew away::

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