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Drewbie

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Posts posted by Drewbie

  3. Posted

    It's heartwarming to see fanbases uniting in the name of content.

     

    This episode does raise a few questions, though.

     

    Do HH and CBB share the same canon? Are they part of the Earwolf Cinematic Universe?

     

    Who mixed up the labels on those Rosetta Stone and NYPD Blue DVDs?

     

    Who are Scott's sources?

     

    Is the Old Town Playhouse okay?

     

    Should I steal those picnic treats?

     

    Should I land over there?

     

    Do you like jazz? (The dance.)

    • Like 9

  9. Posted

    KPUS (Kay-Puuuuuuus, Channel 6) probably has the tightest program I've ever seen. It's a real joy to watch, if you get the chance.

     

    Here's the schedule, straight from the bitch's mouth:

     

    1) If it bleeds, it leads. Ideally human blood, but gorilla blood will do. Goo from a spider is acceptable on a slow news day, and an elf hugging legs on a very, very slow news day.

    -Sex party pictures can work -- preferably ones that involve bloodletting.

     

    2) If it swallows, it follows. Every night, this segment is one of two stories. A choking hazard, or a python on the loose that might swallow you whole. No exceptions. 365 days a year.

     

    3) If it's a turd, it's third. Third story of the night is always about a big turd. This is a very brief segment, consisting of a shot of a toilet and three seconds of smug voice-over, "Your third story tonight: Someone took a dump." Every day. 365 days a year. 366 on leap years. (Contrast with segment #2's 365-day policy)

     

    4) If it's about the man from the North, that story is fourth. As we all know, "The man from the North" is a common term for Santa Clause.

    -DISCLAIMER: Stories about Ho-Ho are a no-no. Ho-Ho is no Legolas, so segment #5 is NOT a loophole.

     

    5) Stories about Mordor go fifth in the or-dor.

    -At this point, it bears emphasis that Mr. Connolly is, in fact, a little bitch.

     

    6) If it's about chicks or dicks, then man alive, it's one after five. (Fun trivia: This one REALLY rhymes.)

     

    7) If Jesus comes back from heaven, that's story number seven. The old Capricorn has yet to return, so this segment is typically reserved for a commercial break.

     

    8) Weather and sports close the broadcast. Jenny with the weather, and B'rokc with sports.

     

    Misc.

    • If you're doing a story about a dog, I want a shot of it on a log. (to clarify, a log is when the long part of a tree is on the ground instead of the circle bit)
    • Should Christ return astride a dog, that's still story #7. (only include footage if Christ's dog finds its way on top of a log)
    • Should the dog hit a gorilla with a truck, that's story #1.

     

    See what I mean? KPUS (Kay-Puuuuuuus, Channel 6) is nothing short of must-see TV.

     

    Logan Connolly's movin' on up in the news world, too -- I hear he got two offers from Al-Jazeera and one from CNN's Panamanian outlet.

    • Like 20

  11. Posted

    I'm sorry. Cut this part out. But if women want to stand on their own two feet, they really do need shoes.

     

    Please forgive me. Cut this out.

     

    But really, fellas. If you're with a lady, have some class. Buy her some shoes.

     

    If you drop a plate and she hasn't got any shoes, she could bleed to death. Then where will you be?

     

    Divorce court.

     

    Wait. I'm sorry. I need you to cut this out.

     

    Okay. We'll try again.

     

    This is Mayor Garcetti. You know how my wife got her burns? Too much hot pasta falling on her feet, and too few shoes.

     

    Ladies, go to yourownshoepurchase.biz and buy yourselves some shoes. Don't get skin graphs like my poor, burned wife.

     

    I'm sorry. Let's just cut all this out.

    • Like 1
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