Cameron H.

If we don't, what are we even doing here?!?

Honest question: was Robin Hood always a punchline? I haven't seen it in years, but I don't remember it being all that bad...For me, I feel like it would be more "I Think That Was Good?" material than HDTGM. Then again, I would love it if they did more movies like that, Kazaam, and Jupiter Ascending than things like The Apple--which I've watched with Rifftrax, and I'm not particularly looking forward to revisiting. Don't get me wrong, the Rifftrax for The Apple is hilarious, but that level of movie is kind of their brand. I think the best HDTGM movies are the ambitious failures. Cannon Films, for me, are more like movies made by The Asylum (just quick cash grabs with no delusions of actually being good movies), and that kind of cynical "movie making" kind of sucks the fun out of it for me. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Cannon Films (for the most part) are low hanging fruit. There's just no challenge in making fun of them.

"By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged!" First David Bowie, now this? #fuckyoucancer

I have no idea what you're talking about...

Agreed. Oh, Shaq...

Well, to be fair, the business did fail.

Here are a couple of new ones... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRrm59Z_0w4

So...say you're walking down the street, and a nearly 7 foot man in flamboyant clothes approaches you and says, "I'm your genie. Make three wishes, and then I'll be out of your life forever." I mean, of course you have to make a wish (since you never know), but if that man fails to grant that wish, yet continues to stalk you and insist that you need to make three wishes for him to go away, just know that what you're dealing with is a crazy person. What Max should have done, aside from calling the police, is just made three stupidly simple "wishes" (e.g. buy me a Coke, throw this in the trash for me, etc) and just been done with it. I will say though, based on this movie, I have now come up with the proper way a genie's three wishes should be spent. It's something I like to call, "Cameron H's Foolproof Guide to Getting the Most Out of Your Genie." FIRST WISH: Almost immediately, you want to start out with a moderate-sized wish. You want to pick something big enough to make sure your genie is on the up and up, but not so large that you're ill-prepared for any unforeseen consequences. For instance, you don't want to wish to be the Emperor of the World--that's just not a role a person can just jump right into. You have to ask yourself, "Am I prepared to deal with geopolitical intrigue and the inevitable assassination attempts?" Probably not. The problem with going too big right off the rip, is you're going to end up in a position where you're going to have to waste another one of your wishes fixing or reversing it. In this regard, I think Max (wishing for a Jaguar) did pretty good job, although I think a sensible, midsize sedan with decent gas mileage would have been sufficient. Once again, if you go too extravagant, you may end up with increased insurance costs and taxes that you're unprepared for. It is also important to ask this question almost as soon as the words are out of the genie's mouth. You don't need to be wasting your fucking time time with hucksters and crazy people. By asking right away, you eliminate this risk. SECOND WISH: Hurray! Your genie delivered on your first wish and there weren't any ironic "Monkey's Paw"-esque drawbacks! You're the proud owner of a new 2016 Toyota Camry! Now, you're on your second wish, but hold onto your camels, because this is the big one. First of all, tell your genie to shut up for a second, because you've got to think. It may be YEARS before you make this wish, because you're going to have to word it so cunningly that you can get the most bang for your buck. Do you want money? Power? Fame? Well, if you frame your question correctly you can have all three--and more! If necessary, hire a lawyer to close any potential loopholes--if you wish correctly--it will be well worth the investment. The Second Wish is the wish that's all about you. Also--be warned--during the Second Wish deliberation period, your genie is going to start pestering you to go ahead and make it already, but you can't let him rattle you. Take. Your. Time. A good distraction would be to organize a series of wacky adventures for you and your genie to share. This will trick it into developing an emotional attachment to you and a false sense of friendship. This will be important because... THIRD WISH: You gotta free your genie, bro. That's what wish three is all about--freedom. However, if you did your job right on your Second Wish, you're now a world famous, bulletproof, multi-millionaire, sex instructor living in your rocket powered villa on the Mediterranean Sea. But what's more important, is that you now have an all-powerful, former genie "friend" who feels so indebted to you for "generously" giving your last wish for its freedom that it will remain with you indefinitely, foolishly granting you all your whims for the rest of time. Congratulations!

Never fear! I've been going backward through the HDTGM archives over the last couple of months (I'm currently on Sleepaway Camp) and I've been taking a note on every movie they've either said they were going to do or showed some interest in doing, and I fully plan on holding them to it. Unfortunately, I didn't start doing this until I was well into my re-listening, so I don't think I've caught everything, nor did I think to make a note of which episode they were mentioned, but here's what I have so far: 1) Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans 2) The Happening 3) Jack and Jill 4) Blended 5) Ladyhawke (Although it sounds like they're saving this for I Think That Was Good?) 6) Tokyo Drift 7) Bandits 8) Country Strong 9) Limitless 10) Curse of the Jade Scorpion--or other bad Woody Allen movie. 11) One of the Menudo movies 12) Teen Witch 13) Running Man If anyone's interested, let me know, and I can make a thread and whenever one comes up, we can add to it...or not. So don't worry, I'm on it.

A lot of emphasis was placed on the kid being a charmless sack of crap, but is it possible many of the emotional issues he's experiencing are the direct result of him having such a shitty mother? First of all, I get that she's had it rough, and she's trying to move on with her life, but how can she make such a huge decision as "my boyfriend is moving in with us" and not let Max in on that? I get that Travis let's the cat out of the bag just before she's about to tell him, but it appears like Travis is moving in that day! Maybe give your kid a couple of weeks to get used to the idea of having a new person living with you before he just shows up with all his stuff. Secondly, I couldn't stand how she immediately grants Travis waaaaaaaay too much control in the raising of her son. There are a number of times when she is in the middle of scolding her son for him doing something legitimately wrong and Travis just undermines her completely, diminishing her authority! What the fuck woman? That's your son! That asshole has only been there for like a day, he hasn't earned the right yet to tell you how to raise your son. He needs to stay the Hell out of it. But the biggest mark against her is when Max runs away to go to his father's club. It's the middle of the night, in a dangerous city, she knows where he's going, but makes no effort to either call the cops or drag his sorry ass back home. And when he finally does come home, she is fast asleep on the couch having passed out from reading a book! In fact, her sleep is so deep and untroubled, that when he calls out to her, she does not stir even a little! I know he's an obnoxious little twerp, but it's almost like she wants him to be murdered!

I have a couple of huge questions in regard to use and effectiveness of Kazaam's powers. In the movie, he repeatedly tells Max that he can't do "ethereal." He lists things like, "Love, hope, talking to God, raising the dead" as things he can't do and at least twice says that he "can't touch destiny." But isn't granting a wish, on almost any scale, by definition "changing destiny?" For instance, he says he destroyed Pompeii because it was someone's wish, but wouldn't wiping an entire city off the map be changing the destinies of the people who were living there? That's not even touching upon how a catastrophe of that magnitude would effect the world, and therefore, it's "destiny." Even on a smaller scale, by granting a wish of wealth and castles (two things Kazaam says he can do), wouldn't that be changing the course of a person's life? Does that mean the only wishes Kazaam can grant are for things that were already "destined" to happen anyway? Wouldn't that defeat the whole purpose of granting wishes? Another thing that bothered me about his powers, and was touched upon briefly in the episode, but not explored fully, was how Kazaam always would always just appear for Max. He teleports across streets, he appears in his bed tenderly spooning with him, he appears as an inappropriately seductive constellation in the stars on Max's ceiling, but after Kazaam's show at the club and he's approached to meet with Malik, he doesn't seem to have a clue where Max is! He even says to Asia Moon, "I'm looking for Max." What the fuck do you mean you're "looking for Max?" Can't you just BAMF! your ass over to him like we've seen you do hundreds of times? Not to mention, this scene occurs directly after Max is forcibly thrown out of a nightclub in a seedy part of town by his abusive father, a situation, I think we can all agree, would be an ideal time for a seven foot tall genie to be doing his goddamn job.

Great episode! I know it's not a huge plot point or anything, but I had a real problem with the breakfast scene where Shaq tries to pass himself off as a tutor for Max. Not only does he provide an explanation for each of his names, which I feel should be pretty big red flag that someone is not who they claim to be, but he doesn't even take the care to make sure his facts are straight. He tells Max's mom his name is "'Jefferson' for he who framed our fine Constitution..." Um, no movie, you're wrong. While Jefferson certainly may have had some input in it's creation, James Madison, wildly regarded as the "Father of the Constitution," should get more of the credit for it's drafting. I think what you meant to say is, "Declaration of Independence" which--as a document about breaking free from tyrannical subjugation--would actually be thematically relevant in a movie where a genie is trying to escape his servitude to a piece of shit little kid. I think this line particularly bugged me because this movie places so much emphasis on Max going to school and doing his homework--Kazaam's disguise is as "Max's tutor" after all. It sounds like everyone involved in the making of this movie could have really used a Billy Madison-style refresher on elementary school level American History.

What. Is. Happening????

You're noncanonical.

What about Mala? Who's being "human-centric" now, Lando???

I don't know... No disrespect to Yaddle, who i'm sure is just lovely, but she's got this whole "Kim Davis" thing going that just doesn't do it for me. ETA: I'm actually debating with myself if I went too far with this post. I am seriously feeling like I might have been too harsh on Yaddle. So to clarify: the withered, green alien monster is beautiful in every way, and I would be lucky to have her in my life. The second image is of a piece of shit.

Um...Hello? You're just being shallow.

Fuck yeah, they better get out of the way! The man's goin' a-courtin'. He's got no time to slow down or swerve. How else is he supposed to woo her?

I just hope Fister takes the time to take his best gal out in his surrey. Preferably on a beautiful morning with tons of ducks and geese around.

Oh, that's not so bad. I've never been to Oklahoma, but I hear it's OK. (I'll...I'll just see myself out...)

Awwww, Snap! ?

Wedge is good--real good. You guys are going to be happy together. Solid pick. I just don't think you're giving Poe enough credit. He's essentially a Warrior Poet. You're not getting that with Maverick. Poe is a solid fuck, but he's also got a lot of tenderness. Don't you think some of the tenderness he shows toward BB-8 is going to translate to your relationship? Face it--Poe's the whole package.