Cameron H.

Jason: "And don't forget guys, speaking of the remix, to go on the Earwolf forums and participate in the conversation that's going on about whether you like the new remix theme song." Thanks, Jason...

Thank you, Mr. or Ms. Wachowski!

I have a couple of questions regarding the "youth goop..." Why do they allow themselves to age all the way to middle age before hopping in the bath? Based on what we saw in the movie, although I'm sure their supply isn't limitless, they seem to have enough that they could make it a daily ritual. Why not just be young all the time? My other problem is when Kalique tells Jupiter, "it's as easy as changing a light bulb," but I have two problems with this analogy. For one, isn't taking a bath fundamentally easier than changing a light bulb? Why even bother equating how easy it is when she just saw how easy it was? (Also, there would have to be a joke in this universe about how many people it takes for an Abrasax to change a light bulb, right? I mean, I counted at least seven people around that pool.) And secondly (and this may be a quibble), but...light bulbs? Really? We are in a universe of highly advanced, gene modifying, artificial intelligence creating, faster than light travelling, space vampires and they are still using regular old 60 watt bulbs? And not only light bulbs, but light bulbs that still blow out! What do they do, go to the space CVS and pick up a pack of four to store in the laundry room just in case a bulb blows out in the track lighting of their intergalactic star cruiser?

This is a valid question, but having watched this movie twice, I think I can answer it. (*heavy sigh* Yes, I bought it. In my mind, no matter how bad a movie is, it only costs a little more to just go ahead and buy it. Plus, I get the added benefit of not running into the issues Paul and Jason did). So to answer your question... Yes, at least as far as Earth is concerned. That is of course so long as she doesn't change her mind as she ages, her loved ones die out, and suddenly decides she'd rather be immortal. And yes, you may feel free to tremble in fear--we are all at the whim of Jupiter Jones' vanity. Titus doesn't really care about the harvesting and Kalique is kind of like a spoiled girl who may recognize the human rights violation of it all, but is not going to do anything that would deprive her of her life of luxury. They still have their own planets, so it is safe to assume they will continue doing what they're doing. Mila only has dominion over the Earth and has no control over what they do. The best way to explain it (and shoot me now for even getting any logic out of this stupid movie) is the mother/queen owned, let's say, 10 planets. When she died she left three planets to each of her children, but she kept the best (Huzzah Earth) for her reincarnated self. However, until she comes back, Balem has control over Earth. Now, and it's not stated in the movie so this is pure conjecture, we have to assume that in the will there is also a stipulation that says if her returned self dies, Balem will then gain full control. This is why Balem wants her dead and why Titus wants to marry her, because if she dies after they get married, his claim would supersede Balem's. Hopefully this helps clarify the, um..."plot" of the movie. God, I feel really icky right now...

Mr. Leonard brought up Caine's name being really on the nose, which is something that I noticed as well. I brought this up on the mini-sode threadl, but I had a good chuckle when I realized "Caine" was just "canine" without the extra "n." Not to take credit for another person's observation, but fellow poster Lando then pointed out that Sean Bean's character's full name is Stinger Apini--"apian" being the Latin term for "bees." But the "on-the-noseness" doesn't stop just at the names. When I was watching this movie early on Wednesday and had my back briefly turned to the screen during the bounty hunter shoot out at the fertility clinic, I heard the distinct sound of a dog barking. When I turned back around, I realized there wasn't an actual dog barking, but rather that was the sound Caine's gun made whenever he fired it. Bravo, Jupiter Ascending! Bravo! And sorry, but I have one final thought while on the subject of human/animal hybrids. The elephant pilot. What the fuck was that about? Okay, I get splicing a person with a wolf to make them a better tracker. I can also buy splicing a man with a bee in order to make a person a fighter who would do anything to protect the Queen. What I can't buy is that splicing a person with an elephant somehow makes them a better pilot! Also, it seems like the splicing is specific to whatever trait they want to imbue in the person, but not necessarily the physical trait. Aside from the ears, Tatum doesn't really look like a wolf and Bean doesn't look anything like a bee, but for some reason this guy has a full elephant head? That doesn't make sense even within the logic of the movie. What function does that serve? Shouldn't he just look more or less like a regular person, but maybe just have the strength of an elephant? And, to be fair, I'm not trying to begrudge an elephant's right to be a pilot if he or she so chooses. I'm just saying, "starship pilot" isn't what immediately springs to mind when I think "elephant."

Great episode! I have really been enjoying The Blacklist Table Reads! Has anyone else noticed how common it seems for bees to play a pivotal role in shitty movies? Off the top of my head I can think of Jupiter Ascending, The Wicker Man, The Happening, and Upside Down. Is it possible that there isn't really such a thing as Colony Collapse Disorder and that bees have just gone into hiding due to their continued association with crappy movies? Regardless, I really think the apian community should consider seeking new representation...

Mr. Tompkins, In your opinion, what has been the most genuinely surprising (and positive) thing to happen as a result of SPONTANEANATION? And a follow up (if allowed), do you still get nervous when launching a new show like this or do your past experiences and successes give you the confidence to know--even at inception--that something is going to work? Thank you for your time, your talent, and the laughter you bring every Monday! And thanks also to Eben and the gang at Earwolf as well!

Any word on how Mitch is doing? Is the coma going well? And of course by that I mean, is the coma winning? Is it a good coma or a bad coma? How does one judge a coma? Regardless, we're all pulling for him and I'm sending pretend prayers for your pretend character!

Sweet Jesus! You're right! I don't know what came over me... I retract my previous retraction. This movie is stupid. Please forgive my momentary lapse of judgement. I will go on filling my heart with contempt for this film and all it stands for until it is super-heated ball of vitriol that I can harness and fire forth from within me like a flaming hadouken of pure cinematic hatred. Thanks, Fister! That was fucking scary...I'm glad you snapped me out of it. Fuck those bees!

Okay, this doesn't normally happen for me, but I was re-watching the movie this morning--and although I only got about half-way through--I think my opinion on it has changed a bit. I mean, it's still coo-coo bananas, and I wouldn't go so far as to say I enjoyed it, but I think I just gave into the insanity of it all. When did my opinion change? Well, I think it was when I realized that "Caine" was just "canine" minus the extra "n." I'm sure a lot of you caught this before me, but I can be a little slow... Anyway, one slow clap later, I was on-board. My apologies for my harsh criticisms from before. I'm happy to report that I no longer find this movie to be terrible.

I'm with you, Seanotron. I don't have a problem with her, or her brother for that matter. They did what they did and it was fine. Yes, he was annoying, but that's kind of what his role was supposed to be. The funny thing is, and I guess it's just because I have been inundated with Jurassic World trailers for the past few weeks, I have taken it upon myself to re-read the original Jurassic Park novel for the first time in years. Now in the book, Lex brings absolutely nothing to the table and they should have absolutely thrown her ass straight at the nearest T-Rex and never looked back. Also, for those who have never read it, Tim is the older sibling as well as the dinosaur expert and the computer expert. Lex just seems to like baseball. In hindsight, it's pretty fascinating. Granted, I'm only about 50% into the book, but I think it is almost a textbook example of how to adapt a novel into a movie. When the movie deviates from the source material, even if what was in the book really works, you can see why it was omitted or changed to make the movie better. For instance, Grant likes kids in the book, but can't stand them in the movie. This gives his character in the movie more of an emotional arc and his scenes with the children more engaging. There are a bunch of little examples like that. However, to address the topic at hand, of the original three movies, I think the Lost World is the weakest. I remember when I saw the third in the theater and thinking at the time that it was utter garbage, but now I appreciate it for what it is--a standard, goofy action movie. The Lost World on the other hand, is just a damn mess. There's gymkata in this movie for Christ's sake! And that ending..oof! I feel like what Spielberg wanted to do was just get the dinosaurs to the mainland and just wreck some shit up in a populated area. Which almost looks like what Jurassic World may be trying to do (albeit, still on an island). I also think that if that is what he was going for, that is is what he should have done. And I'm willing to bet that it would have been pretty good. As it stands though, it's just a bunch of stupid plots that don't really go anywhere with stupid people doing incredibly stupid things. That all being said, I would be really surprised if they were to choose this movie for HDTGM. It would be like if they did one of the Matrix sequels. Yeah, they deserve it and there is plenty to talk about, but I just don't see it happening...

I like your theory where the Wachowski's were directing Redmayne and said, "We like what your doing, but we need you at about 90% more Voldemort," but I had an alternate theory--and apologize, this may get a little blue. In my mind, Redmayne was acting like a real pervy dude, and just off screen, he or someone else is just fondling his balls--just really going to town. It's all there--husky voice, half-lidded eyes gazing somewhere off into the middle distance, etc. And then, unbeknownst to Redmayne, when the Wachowski's really need him to give them the juice, an intern sneaks up behind him and gives him a surprise rectal exam. Once again, I do apologize for what I just wrote. For one, I try to keep my posts family friendly, but moreover, I am sorry I just put that image into everyone's mind who watches this movie from here on out.

I'm sawry Paul, but I don't know what you're talking aboot... I'm pretty sure you're just Americanizing pinyada, eh. I heard you saying the Canadian pronunciation was wrong and I was like, "Pardon?" EDITED TO ADD: My apologies for my temper, eh. I didn't mean to jump down your throat. It was unbecoming...

This was almost my exact same sentiment. I think there almost may be a good movie in here somewhere, it's just lost in a sea of mumbles* and pretension. Honestly, I thought the visuals were actually quite good, but other than that, it is pretty much garbage from top to bottom. My question is, and I think it applies to your Lucasian theory, did The Matrix engender so much Hollywood goodwill that, despite their seeming inability to match it's success either creatively or financially, the Wachowski's are pretty much able to continue and write their own ticket? I mean, aside from the first Matrix movie, what have they done to to warrant a movie with a budget of $176,00,000 and carte blanche to do whatever they want? I mean, I may be mistaken, but I don't even think The Matrix was much of a hit at the time... From what I remember, and I could be completely wrong, it did okay box office, but gained most of its traction from DVD sales (which was a new-ish technology at the time). Again, I may be speaking out of ignorance here. Aside from the Matrix Trilogy and the first 10 minutes of Speed Racer (which gave me such a migraine I had to turn it off), I haven't watched any of their other stuff. Maybe Cloud Atlas is good..? All I know is that, to me, their movies tend to feel like a glut of style that's vomited all over a first year undergrad's unopened Philosophy textbook, and in that regard, Jupiter Ascending did not disappoint. *Even Kunis' narration at the beginning of the movie was all but incoherent! Fuck! There aren't even interesting visuals on the screen yet! Give us something! Then again, and I don't think Kunis is "dumb" by any stretch, but I don't think she knew what she was saying half the time. It all came out like word vomit. On the other hand, I found Tatum's performance pretty engaging. He felt like he at least was like, "Fuck it! I'm gonna act this motherfucker." Sorry to make my footnote run long, but it just occurred to me that maybe that's the thing with the Wachowski's movies--their movies are all the cinematic equivalent of Emperor's New Clothes syndrome. They tend to be written in such a way that people who are concerned with how other's perceive them are afraid to say, "This movie was stupid. It made no sense." for fear that others will assume that they are stupid for not getting "it" (Because it's got to mean something, right?). And people capable of independent thought, of which I will include Kunis, watch it and get annoyed because we understand all the words, we know their definitions, but when put together as they are in the movie, they are utter gibberish. In my mind her acting style was, "I'm saying these words," but in her mind she's thinking, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Then again, who knows? I may be giving her too much credit. Just a thought...

I thought the irony was Sean Bean's first line to Channing Tatum in Jupiter Ascending was, "Back from the goddamn dead." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sGR1-Wgo1M

Wow, Jupiter Ascending. So what's my take on it? (Thank God, Rifftrax just released Rock N Roll Nightmare with Jon Mikl Thor. That should be a nice palette cleanser.) Also, to anyone who has not watched Jupiter Ascending yet, subtitles are going to be your best friend. Half the words are still nonsense, but at least you wont drive yourself crazy wondering if you misheard them or if it what they just said really was that ridiculous.

26 minutes into Jupiter Ascending and just wanted to say: Fuck this movie. (My three year old is really digging this chase scene though. Maybe I'm just not this movie's audience)

I had the same thought. The way I see it is Tony Stark is supposed to be a scientific genius, and although I can't remember off hand the the "science" he supposedly learns in one night, I am pretty sure it was at least tangentially related to his field (i.e. he didn't become an expert on biology when his expertise is in physics or whatever). The way I rationalized it is if you grew up playing the piano, it's not so difficult to pick up a new instrument. How the music is written or read wouldn't change, just how it would be applied to the new instrument. So, in this case, I don't think it is outside the realm of possibility that he could learn it in a relatively short amount of time... Nonetheless, as always, great episode!

No, because the Turtles movie they are doing is Turtles 2 Don't watch the wrong one! That would really suck. Will it be next week's episode? I can't say. Sometimes they keep live episodes in the can. But they are doing Turtles 2 eventually, so go ahead and watch it if you want.

While I don't begrudge anyone their personal opinions, and I don't really don't thinks Jason needs me to rush to his defense, I honestly didn't hear any difference in Jason than normal. I just re-listened to it, with all the criticisms in mind, and I simply didn't get/hear it. Does he sometimes talk over people? I guess so...but June--also someone I don't think needs defending--has worked with him for years and she seems to get that sometimes this happens (as it does anytime multiple people are engaged in a lively discussion) and if she has a point to make, she generally is able to get it out if she really wants to say it. Does she sometimes drop her point? Yes, but they all do that too depending on the direction the conversation is going. Sometimes you can tell all three of them are going to say something and then drop it because the new direction may either coincide with what they were going to say anyway or will be more interesting to talk about than what they were going to bring up. Personally, I found all three of them to be delightful in the episode. Yes, Jason brings a lot of energy to live performances (they all do), but he is playing for the crowd. I would much rather have "high energy" Jason than "I don't want to be here" Jason. In fact, all the criticisms on the boards only make me think how endearing it is that after 4+ years he seems to really enjoy what he's doing, and I think we are all fortunate for that. So, Jason (who I can't imagine ever reads the message boards), June, Paul, and everyone who makes this show possible, I want to extend a sincere and heartfelt...

While I agree with both you on the "Apple" line, I do have a theory. If I were to hazard a guess, Pretzie's health/physique --especially in comparison with Herc's--was supposed to be a runner throughout. So basically, after his impassioned soliloquy espousing the wonders of Hercules and he says, "I think I will eat an apples" he's more or less saying, "I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm going to be more like Hercules." The reason the line comes off particularly clunky is that it feels like a punchline that doesn't have a set up. Although...let's run through this again... A strange, charismatic man comes down from Heaven and picks up a group of followers. His actions are an inspiration to some, but also upsets the status quo. He is plagued by temptation, but ultimately resists. People accuse Him of being crazy because of His radical ideas. One of His closest followers betrays Him, which leads to the people violently turning against Him. Afterwards, He ascends to Heaven, but briefly returns to console his Apostle and assure him that He will always be with him. Comforted by His words, His Apostle begins the process transforming his life... Holy Shit, guys! There's only one possible answer to where this movie goes from here: St. Pretzie sets up shop in Times Square and becomes the first pope of Hercules' new church! Wow, God really should sue the writers of this movie for plagiarism...

Three free lessons from the Austrian Bodybuilder's Correspondence School of Improv! You can expect your first premise in the mail in approximately 2-3 weeks. Congratulations!

Great point! After he loses his divine gifts his powers go all over the place. He's still a man who can lift 750 lbs, but nearly gets thrown off a fire escape by two mobsters with average to below average builds? And then, unless I'm mistaken, immediately afterward he has the strength to crush a padlock with his bare hands?? Which is it movie? Strong or weak? Also, and this could be my own ignorance, but the announcer at the competition states that it's an "exhibition of the defense of manly art." What exactly does that mean? I'm trying to parse it out, but so far, no luck. Why are the manly arts on defense? Who's attacking them, feminine wiles? Was the line supposed to be "display" instead of "defense?" But then exhibition shouldn't be in the sentence... And finally, for all the ladies and gents who are interested:

Something else that blew my mind was when the Professor,* his daughter, and her boyfriend calmly have a discussion that Hercules is most likely suffering from Delusions of Grandeur and then collectively agree that, because they think he's a pretty dope dude, they just don't care. They aren't even a little bit concerned about the psychopath they've let into their lives? This is even after stating that other people suffering from DoG are usually institutionalized! So they are going to just ignore the fact that this mountain of a man, who has been exhibiting violent and erratic behavior, as well as symptoms that could possibly point toward schizophrenia, just because they think he's "fascinating" and kind of neat? Yup, that makes sense... *Did anyone else think the Professor acted/looked like a Chris Parnell character?