Gay dong man, I'm a straight Compton man, so please put away your hey long glans.

[Gay dong man, I'm a straight Compton man, so please put away your hey long glans.]

Gay dong man, I'm a straight Compton man, so please put away your hey long glans.

[It's true what they say about Scott Aukerman, but it's also not true what they don't say about him. Unless, of course, they do say it.]

It's true what they say about Scott Aukerman, but it's also not true what they don't say about him. Unless, of course, they do say it.

[I could have started with "I should have", but alas, this sentence is, as of now, over.]

I could have started with "I should have", but alas, this sentence is, as of now, over.

[The world is simply not ready for a Billy Joel/Billy Bob Thornton cross-over.]

.

[echo in here much?]

"Echo in here much? Echo in here much? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ooh, Thanks, thevoblex for that interesting catchphrase." ...Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ooh, Thanks, thevoblex, for that interesting catchphrase.

[I go where the wind takes me. For I am a man with no ties to the ground, but several ties to these large balloons.]

Speaking of city-slickin' avi-tars, my avatar keeps getting deleted. What gives? Also, how can I make damn sure Scott reads this next episode? It's just too perfect.

[In other news, the scientists analyzing the DNA of Paul "Chemicals" Rust, the local comedian charged with identity theft, have concluded that]

Rust indeed "should be Walter White".

[When Life Hands You Salsa Merdé...]

Shame about that spelling, though. You just had to put the "é"...

[I don't care about your hysterectomies and your city-slicking words; you owe me a well-endowed son and you owe me one now!]

I don't care about your hysterectomies and your city-slicking words; you owe me a well-endowed son and you owe me one now!

[I've heard of Wake Me Up When September Ends, but Wake Me Up When September Middles?]

I really like this catchphrase. Almost as much as Walter White likes chemicals.

[And if Jesus was a true Christian he would have stoned that ho. Amen.]

.

[Rampant across the Third World, malnutrition is a tragic epidemic. The body needs different chemicals and I'd know, I'm Walter White.]

...basically.

[Alas, there were no condoms in my drawer, nor sheets on my bed, and much less a woman to make love to.]

.

[If she has a baby picture on Facebook, and it's from a year ago, look out--]

she could be lying about her age. Also, if you're listening to this show, this is a catch phrase. Scott's gonna basically repeat what I'm already saying here, but just be patient with him. Seriously, he will just pretend this is the most normal thing ever. He's very predictable sometimes, but we still love him, in the way one loves a three-legged lab-retriever: sincerely, but, you know. The poor thing.

[My name is Stephen Hawking, and this is my ALS ice bucket challenge:]

My name is Stephen Hawking, and this is my ALS Ice Bucket Challenge: Just sitting here and being me. Not so fun now, is it?

[The boys call me Subway]

Sounds like you haven't been "fresh" in a while, if you ask me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have it my way at the weekly dumpster circle jerk behind BK, where the meat isn't always fresh--but it's always crusty.

[There are two kinds of people in this world.]

Those who assume there's a second part to this, and those who deny the Holocaust.

[I can throw a boomerang in space and get it back, but I threw you in the trash and you're still gone.]

[What do you think happens to the cat after an hour? Is it dead or alive? The answer is neither. It’s gone. The universe erased it because...]

What do you think happens to the cat after an hour? Is it dead or alive? The answer is, it's neither. It’s gone. The universe erased it because it doesn’t like tricks. Alright? That’s why there are laws of physics.

[Who? 'Who' is but a form following the function of 'what', and what I am is batshit crazy, Senator! I'm talking guano in my ice cream.]

Literally, mounds of guano.

[Let me ask you this. If you can kill a baby before birth, can you kill a child before noon? I mean--you seem well-equipped. Winky face, crotch rub.]

Let me ask you this. If you can kill a baby before birth, can you kill a child before noon? I mean--you seem well-equipped. Winky face, crotch rub.

[I'd rather fight a Triceratops than be forced to try Cera tops.]

Lol, reminds me of this:

 

["Quit while you're a head," said the man to his penis, "We don't want to have another episode of 'Wreck-Tile Destruction!'" ...Alas, RIP, my tiles.]

"Quit while you're a head," said the man to his penis, "We don't want another case of 'Wreck-Tile Destruction!'" ...Alas, RIP, my tiles.

[There's plenty more where that came from. And by that I mean innuendo.]

.

[Alas, it was never butter. For the incredulous shall inherit the world's butter, with profit, at a wide margarine.]

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