Spunky Foonerism

The original sandwich was actually a human guy!

Hey Chanson, nice car. Where'd you get it, the Olympics? ROASTED!

I was at costco the other day and while grabbing a brick of my main favorite cheddar cheese I saw an adjacent, similar-looking stack of cheese that was a few dollars more expensive because it'd been "cave aged." I thought to myself, "what could possibly taste better about a cheese just because it was aged in a cave. What a scam." Later, when I was checking out, the checkout guy looked at my cheese and said, "hey is this that cave-aged cheddar? what's up with that, it seems like a scam." and I laughed and said "no way, i saw that stuff too, but I'm not buying a cheese that's had a more adventurous life than me." We riffed about that for a minute, "cheese that's been spelunking? What's next, $20 for a piece of cheese that's been bungee-jumping?" Leaving the store, I was pretty pleased to have had such a pleasant riff-session with the checkout guy. A week passed, in which I ate about half the brick of cheese. My wife decided to have some cheese last night, and said "what is this, it's delicious! Why don't we always have this cheese?" I said, "Its just the same cheddar I always get." At which point she looked at the label and said "No, it says here that this is cave-aged gruyere." I grabbed the wrong cheese and never knew it. I'm aware that this eerie tale boggles the imagination, but friends, I swear this story is 100% true.

Hey anybody else listen to hollywood handbook this week? It was pretty crazy, right?

Those parasites are his best friends and he doesn't even realize it! It's going to be so funny when they get rid of Houston's brainworms and he gets like 15 I.Q. points dumber. I will laugh and laugh.

Nice try, Mike, but everyone knows today is Bono's birthday.

Your dad is a siamese twin? That's so progressive of you! Edit: Sheesh! Sorry, I meant CONJOINED twin. I know we're progressive in here, but this PC culture goes too far sometimes. Edit: I don't know what's wrong with me today. I apologize to all you Siamese forumers.

For me, the best thing about Hollywood Handbook podcast is when Hayes dismissively says "Yeah right!" I just decided that today. Second best is Sean circling back to force Hayes to acknowledge his jokes. You gotta fight for what's yours in this world Sean, respect. Engineer Brett you made me laugh out loud in my car, I was taking my dog Hurricane Dennis to the vet and he was very surprised. So...quit startling my dog, he has cancer for fuck's sake! Annaliese, you were wonderful, your voice is so cool and you were smart and funny and nice. That being said, it is just bad luck for you that I'm already married, better luck next time.

Riddle: How many nerds does it take to remember the name of John Lennon's killer? Answer: More than 8, apparently. It's not like it is a hard thing to remember, Sirhan Sirhan is a VERY distinctive name!

Hmm. Interesting question. There is the rush of having a hilarious idea, the rush of posting it and seeing it get inundated with likes, the rush (of jealous anger) when other people also post good questions, the rush of waking up Tuesday morning and wondering if they'll ask my good question, the rush of looking at the forums before listening, and getting spoilered that they DID ask my question, the rush of anticipation listening to the episode and waiting for them to say my name, and the rush of rage when my question is completely brushed off and ignored by the guest. All in all, I'd say that asking a good question is a real...what's the word...surge! It's a surge of emotions. Edit: no, wait, it's a rush of emotions.

i'm pretty mad that they didn't ask for popcorn gallery question this week, I have a good one and I'm worried i'll forget it by next time. Shit i may have already forgotten it. I know sometimes I joke around on here, but I am not kidding. Edit: remembered it.

I think that one guy could have made more believable choices about what races to be racist against. He didn't pick any of the really bad ones, which makes me think maybe he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

It occurs to me that when a Hollywood Handbook guest doesn't immediately vibe with the vibe of the show and the forums and Sean and Hayes's vibes, maybe it isn't necessarily because that guest is a dumb uncooperative jerk. I try to imagine what it would be like if I was on the show, and that isn't very helpful, because I would be great and do a very good job. But then I try to imagine if somebody else was on the show, and I could see it being kind of tricky to do what Sean and Hayes do, or even to just react to them in a clever or coherent way. Look at the engineers, they are so smart that they are literally engineers, but it has taken them like a thousand tries to be somewhat bearable, and they still fuck up in an infuriating and embarrassing way at least 98% of the time. All that being said, word on the street is that Mike Lawrence actually IS smart and funny, so in his case I think he must have just felt like being uncooperative.

I am a sucker for Nicole Byer. I like how she says almost everything with such a calm, carefully enunciated delivery, then when she freaks out and starts talking with a crazy voice man it makes me laugh and laugh. I'm not kidding, it cracks me up every time! Also, this episode was pretty funny, I will probably listen to more of them.

Hazie Bone and Clem Dawg, I know what you're thinking, and believe me buds, I'm right there with you. I'm just as frustrated as you are that I keep wasting my time coming up with brilliant funny questions, only to be completely brushed off by yet another guest. That being said, I do NOT want you to take any kind of physical vengeance on my behalf. It's sweet that you would think of it, but honestly you don't need to defend me. This stuff rolls off me like stuff rolls off a duck, and I don't want you getting in trouble on my account. Sure, my questions are great. Sure, being big-timed by some hack like PFT or Pauly Shore or Mike Lawrence doesn't feel great. Still, I got plenty more funny questions lined up, and I'll keep sending them your way so don't let it get you down! You and me, we're bigger than this.

Mike, I'm an aspiring comedy writer, and man oh man, I bet it's great to be able to write sexy scenes where you can have pretty actors and actresses act out your sexiest commands. My question is, how do you justify it to your mom? You know she can see right through your rationalizations. Edit: Oh shit, just saw on wikipedia that your mother was a comedian. New question! When your mother would do sex jokes, didn't it make you feel gross inside and like you could just DIE?

Mike, I went to your "wordpress blog" and it didn't have any blog entries, it was just contact info and links to your projects and stuff. How are we supposed to know how you're doing if you don't write anything on your blog? Also, please stop calling it a blog. Anyway, my question to you is this. Do you remember what it used to be like before language got all loosey-goosey and full of emojis? Back when words used to MEAN something? Words like "blog?" Because I do.

Man, the forums died back when the first new person arrived.

I couldn't sleep at all last night, so I got out of bed and listened to this episode at 4am. I don't think it is a coincidence that I've been grouchy and disoriented ever since. I'm not sure if Tom or Cody is to blame, but frankly, this sucks and I'm real angry about it. Fuck you!

oh man, when they roasted scott for holding his pen like a cigarette I was literally laughing. I feel kind of bad about it because scott was clearly embarrassed. If he has such a bad sense of humor i don't even understand why he hosts a comedy podcast, he's just going to get his feelings hurt over and over again.

Wow, I've actually never, ever seen anybody be wrong so hard before. And that's saying something, because I spend a LOT of time on the internet. Allow me to rebut by saying "YES way, White Chocolate actually IS real, and I've actually seen him before in real life."

i think the name is in honor of the late great Justice Antonin Scalia. It is a reminder of bygone days when it was still possible to have a 5-4 decision in the supreme court, back when the system wasn't completely FUCKED. Haha no i'm just playing. 4-4 deadlocks are pretty great too.

My favorite part was the twenty uninterrupted seconds of stifled laughter. This Adam Sachs guy is good! He should talk to somebody at Earwolf about having his own show, in my opinion.

Look on the bright side, steve. Yes, the posts aren't as good anymore, but at least there's less of them! Edit: jk everybody, you're all terrific and everything you say is great.

My grandfather passed this advice to my father, who, when I became a man, passed it on to me. Now I am going to share it with you, because I think of you like a son. This may sound crazy but damn if it hasn't really saved my ass in some pretty rough situations. ALWAYS keep your couponing scissors sharp. Seriously, there is no such thing as too sharp when it comes to your couponing scissors. PS I don't want to hear that you are a woman. It's 2016, get over yourself. Women can be sons now.