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Spunky Foonerism

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Posts posted by Spunky Foonerism

  7. Posted

    Since Spunky wouldn't deliver, here's one I made up:

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    Hank Palermo and Jared Foonerism were born at the same second, in the same hospital, to nurses with the same last name and roughly similar breast size on Easter Sunday 1957. It was the year everything changed. From the kinder grades to Big State University, Hank and Jared were inseparable. They lived and loved together, laughed and cried together, and even lied for each other. Once, when Hank broke a window at the local library trying to return a copy of Evelyn Waugh's "Decline and Fall", Jared turned himself in to the cops so Hank could play quarterman in the big game against Rivalville that weekend. From his holding cell, Jared listened on the devil's talk box as Hank scored the winning touchgoal just before time expired on the big clock. Hank was named Eternal MVP and got a massive trophy he couldn't even pick up, like Thor's hammer. It's still in the center of the Flyover High field to this day. The teams simply play around it in Hank's honor, brushing his helmet for good luck as they make their right quick drivers up the grassy. And when Jared found out he was infertile in the late '70s, he turned to Hank for help. Hank remembered the ecstasy he felt putting all those points on the board, the butt-touches he got from the cheerleaders as he was hoisted in the air like a young Jewish boy entering adulthood... and knew he had to repay his friend for that night spent in the slammer with Big Sheriff Bobby, the baddest man in all of Flyover. So, they crafted a plan. Hank would be the one to father Jared's baby boy. But neither the Foonerism or Palermo families could ever know and the men themselves were too poor to pay for an artificial insemination. So, Hank would have to do the deed himself, just as those animals do on the Discovery Channel. But they were religious men and Jared knew he couldn't let his wife get pregnant from a man to whom she wasn't married. So on the 4th of July 1979, Jared and Dana Foonerism divorced. Had anyone known, it would've torn the town apart. Their keys to the city would have been revoked and then melted into a big broken heart to be mounted in town square. The newly split couple would have been kicked across the Flyover town limits, right into Rivalville. But no one ever knew. After the divorce, Hank and Dana kidnapped Father Joseph by threat of shotgun and had a shotgun wedding in Old Man McCutcheon's barn, right behind the hay bales where Jared and Dana shared their first kiss. It was a beautiful ceremony. The horses whinnied, the pigs slopped and Karen the Cow gave milk for the first time in a decade. After the dinner service, Hank did what he had to do for his friend, sowing the seed that would one day become our friend Spunky. Out of respect, he kept his eyes closed the whole time and thought only of his big trophy sitting out their in the grass, covered in bird shit. He divorced Dana that next morning and returned her hand to Jared, who remarried her that same night in Old Man McCutcheon's basement, where Father Joseph was still tied up--he wasn't much good with knots... And such is the story of Spunky Foo, the man with two daddies.

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    gvmfx0a.png

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    That is uncanny. If that wasn't my origin story before, it sure as hell is now. And you're not far off on several of the details!

    • Like 1

  9. Posted

    WE TOTES SAW SOME IRL D THO

    I missed that. I was mistaking it for the step-dads thing from this thread that we are doing right now. I fucked up again, I don't know all the inside jokes yet, and now I feel like a big stupid idiot. I have a dad AND a step-dad, and now I'm wondering if I should post a pic of the two of them together because they were best friends in college. Maybe that would make up for this huge blunder.

    • Like 3

  11. Posted

    You should make sure that her hair is that color on purpose, because it might be a sore subject. I knew some swimmer chicks and their hair turned greenish blue from chlorine overexposure. I'm not saying that's what happened here, but it might have been a chemical accident, maybe like what happened to the Joker, so better safe than sorry. In fact, she might be a villain, which is hot at first but you should think twice about a long-term thing.

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    ETA Also, sometimes girls dress like hot goths to trick you into dating them. One girl did that to me, and she wasn't a goth AT ALL, she was just a regular hot girl in a goth outfit. Now we're married, so...watchout.

    • Like 2

  12. Posted

    I just went to the trouble of creating an apple id for the specific purpose of rating and warning people about this podcast, and I submitted it on iTunes and the review didn't even show up! I don't know if apple has people individually vet all the reviews in case people are writing troll things or are reviewing podcasts that they haven't even listened to. I can understand that, but I deliberately didn't use any cusses for that exact reason, and I have listened to the podcast. I'm going to give it another couple minutes before I really freak out, because maybe their computers are just slow. Yeah RIGHT! It's motherfucking APPLE COMPUTERS, I think they probably have really fast computers! This is bullshit, and now I'm going to stop playing on the computer for a while and go get some fresh air. I'm not mad at any of you, I'm sorry if it seemed that way.

    • Like 1

  13. Posted

    I once did a sleepover at school to fight racism (I don't understand either) and it wasn't too bad.

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    Hey, I once rode with someone on a dirtbike when I was like seven and made the mistake of wearing shorts. On my one leg there were two spots the size of a handbook where my skin was burned off partially. /traumatic story

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    I never got to ride a dirt bike, but I never even wanted to, so who cares. As evidence of this, I am now a grown ass man, and could totally get myself a dirtbike without needing anyone's permission. The fact that I haven't done so should convince you that I don't even care about dirtbikes or think that people who got to ride on them are cool. I had a sweet bike as a kid, and they said the big bouncy seat was girly but in fact, that "girly" seat is probably the reason why my sperm count is so high. And the streamers on the handlebars made me look like I was going even faster than I actually was, which was REALLY FUCKING FAST to begin with.

    • Like 3

  16. Posted

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    Ask her where she got her hair at.

    Oooh, no. I'd go the exact opposite way, and NOT mention her hair. Act like you aren't impressed by it, and that you see blue-headed girls all the time. But if she has a tongue stud, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, you can assume that she likes giving blowjobs and is good at it, and also won't mind if you make jokes about it.

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    E.T.A. Have you considered taking out your sandwich and showing it to her? It seems to have been a big hit with this crowd.

    • Like 3

  18. Posted

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    [Pulls you in real close and whispers. Whispers way, way too close to your ear. It's barely audible and you can almost taste my lunch on my hot breath] Pretend you're funny that's what I do

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    Just kidding no one's too cool for anyone here.

    If you say so. I just don't want to be stuck eating lunch with the goth kids for another four fucking years.

    • Like 3

  20. Posted

    I wasn't going to say anything at first because I am new but it's becoming pretty clear to me that I am the oldest person in the room. As such, I feel like it is my job to weigh in with some advice. Talking about a woman's "taters" and saying that her buttocks resemble a peach is not "rad" or "boss." You might want to look up "objectification" in the dictionary. Those terms take a woman's body parts, which, yes, are technically already objects, and makes them sound like other objects - specifically, fruits and vegetables, which are delicious and not at all ethically troublesome to eat. A woman is not made of fruits and vegetables! She is made of meat! Human meat! I don't want to go so far as to say that Sean and Hayes are promoting cannibalism, but they have definitely taken a big step down that road and I hope they haven't dragged you kids along with them. Sorry if telling the truth isn't "cool." I'm going to keep listening, but you are all on thin ice with me.

    • Like 12

  21. Posted

    Could all the people posting photos showing how attractive or talented they are please be a little more considerate? It makes the useless uggos here feel bad.

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    (Not talking about me, more like Chanson etc)

    It's hard to get a good read, but I think everyone else here is already friends? So to ingratiate myself, I hereby pledge not to post anything which would show how attractive and talented I am. And also good at sports. Oh, and is Chanson bad or something? Because he's the only one who has replied to me.

    • Like 7

  22. Posted

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    Wait until they find out who you really are and add you on Facebook. That's a shock/real thing that happened.

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    Interestingly, it's been a real joy to see every good moment in these people's adult lives. So I can't really complain.

    That is terrifying! I don't even put up pictures of my family in my house, in case my friends see them. If my family visits me, I make them wear disguises. I'd never share something as special and secret as what my family looks like with someone as potentially treacherous as a friend. Much less a bunch of anonymous strangers!

    • Like 3

  23. Posted

    I'm the editor of Pissboy Magazine, so I guess you could call that a project I'm working on. I'm thinking of expanding it, and making copies to distribute to other people.

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    One Christmas in my early teens, all I wanted was a lacrosse stick, and I wouldn't shut up about how much I wanted a lacrosse stick. Christmas came, and I didn't get a ... wait, what is this? Behind the curtain is a lacrosse stick! I was over the moon, delighted and now I wouldn't shut up about how surprised and happy I was. My stepdad, who had just half-assedly propped the unwrapped lacrosse stick behind the curtain, genuinely thought that I'd known it was there all along, and that my delight and gratitude were feigned. This was weirdly heartbreaking to me and bothered me for years, but I talked about it with him eventually and it was all good.

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    I'm not putting up pictures of my family, I don't even know you people. But if you liked the childhood trauma story, I've got a dozen of them. Maybe more than a dozen.

    • Like 4
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