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  1. Like Snorting a Kilo of Raw Cocaine: The Four-Star 4DX Hobbs & Shaw Xperience: A Super-Cerebral Essay by Graham Erik Stevenson (that’s right, I used my full fucking name)! When future generations look for a work of art that defines what humanity truly is—the generations of our children, our children’s children, their children after that and so forth—they will stand in awe of Hobbs & Shaw and will weep that they missed the opportunity to see it in the glory of 4DX (unless the New Beverly will be running a 4DX revival house at that point? I don’t know. I’m not psychic and I don’t have kids). But you, you can! I’ve tweeted and called Paul about my 4DX experience, but since my call may have been somewhat stilted overlong and unairable, this is my final push to bore—I mean, INFORM the public about this life-altering experience that’s probably not advisable to undergo if you’re elderly, pregnant, have a urinary tract infection, are seizure prone, or are easily nauseated and have been known to projectile vomit. This essay will list what the 4DX experience was, step by step, and I have to say that I was grateful that it was not as invasive as the Feel-A-Round depicted in Kentucky Fried Movie. Imagine Captain EO or a ride at Universal Studios where your seat vibrates, jerks and whirls you around for 80-90% of the runtime—while “lightning” strobe effects pop off to the left of the screen for no real reason intermittently throughout— and you start to get a sense of the magic that IS 4DX: Hobbs & Shaw, but that is only a part of it. Now imagine a technology SO SOPHISTICATED that when the film opens with a split scene of Hobbs riding a motorbike and Shaw driving a car (or perhaps it’s reversed—fuck it, I can’t remember) the vibration UNDER YOUR ASS vibrates in two distinctive patterns, mimicking BOTH the motorbike AND the car. Are you transported yet? NOW imagine that whenever the characters are outside and the camera is whipping around, air is BLASTING into your face, convincing you that this is the most wind-swept action film EVER. This includes the scene where The Rock is semi-making out with Vanessa Kirby, and it includes a whiff of perfume. IT IS MAJESTIC. Follow me down this rabbit hole of delights as your seat tilts and vibrates ESPECIALLY hard during action scenes and hits you in the back—right above your right kidney—intermittently and gently, like it’s trying to give you a half-assed massage. Also, when you least expect it, wind blasts out from under your leather chair, making the flaps twitch angrily against your legs like a drugged, mute animal’s tail. For all I know, perhaps the establishment did put real animals under each and every chair, just to make illusion come to life. Finally, during the climactic fist fight sequence in a lightning storm, picture water falling from the ceiling in a rain-like mist, completing the fantasy that you really are out in the rain. All in all, it was a profoundly spiritual experience, one that I was also thankful not to have gotten an ear or other bacterial infection from. If they can do this for Hobbs & Shaw, imagine what they could do for a 50 Shades of Gray sequel/prequel. Imagine what they could do for humanity. (Finally, my east coast college creative writing degree is put to good use!) P.S. If requested, I am willing to post the H&S preview with an attempt to break it down with the various 4DX effects.
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