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Race for the Clench Cure

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We as the Earwolf podcast listener/fan community need to take action. Bear arms if you will to assist our beloved Howie in his battle against the affliction known simply as "The Clench©". Upon countless hours of research I have come to the conclusion that Mr. Kremer's clench is unknown amongst medical scholars which is quite troublesome.

This summer I will be embarking on a half mile run to raise awareness for Howard Kremer and "The Clench©" and I encourage you all to do the same. Do it because you love Earwolf, because you love Who Carted.. And most of all.. Do it for Howard.

I will attempt to document the training regimen that I will have to undergo in preparation for the run as this will be a test of both mind and body.

If any of you also choose to participate in your own Race for the Clench Cure be prepared for the possibility of a media circus that may occur due to the hype that will most likely surround the effort to raise awareness for this unknown plight. If you are interviewed or approached by any news or media outlet as you ramp up for your event, please adhere to the following procedures:


1: First and foremost refer to this illness as "The Clench". We need to give this monster an identity. We need to demonize this horrible disease to generate public support.


2: You will undoubtably be asked to describe "The Clench". As the Clench is SO RARE in humans we need to adhere to Mr. Kremer's description of this mystery of science. And adhere to it closely, so please relisten to the back catalog until you feel comfortable with Howards definition. It is widely suspected that this was contracted in utero and has kept Howard compromised his entire life (which is speculated to be 20 some odd years now.) Keep in mind Howards date of birth is unknown among us commoners outside of the Earwolf family, so we can only speculate how long the effects of The Clench can last.


3: Try to sneak in and use the word "Earwolf" as many times as possible. Your local newspaper or news channel will be essentially acting as a plug bag, reaching out to many thousands of people. Mr. Aukerman, you better nut up the bandwidth. Shits gon git REAL when Earwolf traffic goes through the roof. Ad money will be pouring into the Earwolf studio faster than you can say "why is all this ad money here in cash and not in a bank account?".


In summation: Lets find a cure.



Side note: Has Howard ever mentioned that he tried Rolfing? It is supposed to re set your muscular connective tissues and reset your posture. Sounds like the cure. Maybe I dont need to do the race?

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