Outtanks

[Asteck 1250]

Since we're deep in the middle of the hiatus and there's no sign of a Tanks but(or?) no Tanks in sight, I decided to watch some of the outtakes for Shark Tank on ABC's site. I thought I'd share a couple of my favorite moments.

 

-Startled by an entrepreneur’s outrageous valuation, Kevin jerks his head so rapidly that the jar of honey he’d been eating out of becomes comically affixed to his snout.

 

-After several minutes of Damon’s heated inquiries, an entrepreneur confesses that the product he had been presenting to the sharks not only did not exist, but the entire company had been imaginary! All of the Sharks go out, but after an impassioned plea from the entrepreneur, Lori comes back in and makes a full offer.

 

-During a Tank update, Robert’s visit with a CEO is interrupted by a chime from his cell phone. “Oh looks like I got a picture message, I’ll pull it up with T-Mobile’s blazing fast 4G” he says. But he’s stunned when an image of himself with his arm around a man whose had Mark’s face crudely photoshopped onto it appears. In a daze, he murmurs “Who sent this… can this be... is it real?” before quietly nodding at the image for twenty minutes.

 

-Following a child’s presentation of a product that would change the way kids learn to ride bikes, Kevin imparts an analogy about the natural order of life in the wild that is so long the production crew deems it un-editable. As the child had visibly aged into a young man, and Barbara was left degraded into nothing more than pile of skeletal remains.

 

-An entrepreneur presents a mysterious orb containing all knowledge of the past, present and future. He proves this to Sharks by correctly predicting their reasoning for going out. Stating “Robert- ‘ I think you came here a little too early and I just can’t get behind the product, I’m out’ Lori – ‘I would invest in you, but the product just wouldn’t work on QVC, I’m out’ Kevin- ‘There’s no way to stop one the big-box guys from coming along and making an orb of their own, you’re dead to me, I’m out’ Damon- ‘your valuation’s crazy and I just don’t see how I can add value, I’m out’ Mark – ‘I don’t invest in magicy products, I think it’s a pseudoscience, I’m out.” After the man and the orb exit, the Sharks’ silence is only broken by Damon wondering “If he knew we wouldn’t invest, why did he come on? More importantly, why did he seem disappointed by the outcome? Do our lives have meaning, or are we merely acting out roles set by a greater power?” Production shuts down as a few of the Sharks weep openly, while others leave to be with their families.

 

-Damon interrupts a pitch to call out Mark on a major stinker he let loose. Mark denies it while Barbara chuckles “It was me.”

 

-Robert volunteers to try out a stationary skateboard workout device, but slips on his way, ripping the seat of his pants. Panicking, he looks directly at Mark and screams “DON’T LAUGH,” then frantically crab-walks past the entrepreneurs and off the set. Later, video from a news helicopter depicts him crab-walking on the 10 freeway, blocking traffic for miles. Witnesses report he was last seen crab-walking off the Santa Monica pier, surfacing near the horizon and disappearing into the sunset.

 

-For the first time in Shark Tank history an entrepreneur returns for a third time, as Copa di Vino CEO James Martin re-confronts the Sharks. It was clear from the get-go that this would be no ordinary pitch when he entered wearing a “More like Kevin O’really” t-shirt. Without saying anything, and maintaining keen eye-contact with Kevin, he downed an entire bottle of wine and then proceeded to offer 100% of his ass for 100 of Kevin’s kisses. Kevin aggravated the situation by sticking his fingers in his ears, repeating “La la la la, I can’t hear dead men, you’re dead to me.” Martin was eventually grappled by security and escorted away after trying to force Kevin out of his chair, all the while screaming “Noo… I was right! I’m rich now! I’m one of you!” He never made a deal and his sanity was never restored.