Episode 69.5 — Minisode 69.5

[Lando 2019]

 

And I thought we were taking a break from Stallone movies...

[wyldride 285]

Corrections and Omissions:

[PhillipMedoc 648]

Corrections and Omissions: https://soundcloud.c...-mean-to-pixley

After repeating "corrections and omissions" several times, it starts to sound like "erections and emissions"*, especially the last one.

 

*THIS IS MY ORIGINAL IDEA, COPYRIGHT C&B 2010, DO NOT STEAL.

[thestray 361]

Whoa! This movie is R-rated!!!?!?!?!?!? Ok, so I have to rethink my whole premise. Maybe it wasn't a propaganda film, but a vanity project for Kurt Thomas. Maybe he was insanely jealous of Mary Lou Retton and was like, "I'm gonna show that bitch how a REAL Olympic champion does it. I'm making a movie!"

 

Someone can check my facts on this, but I read up on him a while back and I believe the story goes... Kurt Thomas was like the biggest name in gymnastics in his day, he was the Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt of his sport, he was inventing new moves and considered by many to be one of the best in the world. He became something of a household name, he was handsome-ish and cocky and charismatic (although that doesn't show at all in this film). Kurt Thomas was the man.

 

US gymnastics had been without an Olympic gold medal for quite some time, over 40 years, and Kurt Thomas was going to be the guy to get it, everybody was sure of it. When the 1980 Olympics came around the US was having problems with Russia and America boycotted the Olympics. Kurt Thomas never got to get his Olympic gold medal, and I'm sure as an athlete that shit killed him, being the "best" means nothing if you don't get to prove it with that Olympic Gold medal. When the 1984 Olympics rolled around he couldn't compete again, he was getting older and dealing with an injury, so once again he had to sit out a chance at a gold medal. I believe at the time he was also experiencing some money troubles due to a divorce.

 

So I think Gymkata was made for a lot of reasons, vanity, money, propaganda, wanting to cash in on his celebrity while it still existed, and I feel it was also to fill that void of not getting to fulfill his Olympic dream. If he couldn't be a gold medalist he was going to be the next best thing, an action star. Except the movie did terribly and he filed for bankruptcy. Ah well, tough break Kurt Thomas.

[Lando 2019]

There is a part of me that wants them to reboot this with Michael Phelps as Swimkata

[wyldride 285]

... Shaq in Rimkata.

[thestray 361]

Or it can remain Gymkata and star Gabby Douglas?

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

I've known about this movie for forever and actually watched it a year or so ago... but I think I forgot that I had seen it. I'm watching it right now and... it's really weird. Like, I clearly remember some sequences but other scenes are totally new to me. It's as if part of my brain tried to block the movie from my memory, but failed due to its overwhelming crapitude and my mind was only able to repress half of it. Maybe this movie causes mental breakdowns?

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

Also, is there a more clear way to identify a script that just doesn't give a shit when the movie is rife with expository dialogue that begins with the phrase "As you well know..."? Well, if you know that he knows it, why the hell are you telling him again? This happens about a dozen times in this movie and, as you well know*, this is a script that doesn't give a shit.

 

*See what I did there, guys? HUH?!?! Funny stuff.

[Blueman29X 72]

There is a part of me that wants them to reboot this with Michael Phelps as Swimkata

I would much prefer Jim Kata, Motivational Speaker staring Y. K. Kim.

[AJValliant 266]

Bad ninja, kung-fu and horror movies got me through the rough early days of puberty. This magnificent gem holds a place of honor on my terrible action movie mantle. I am looking forward to this one.

[wyldride 285]

Edward Scissorhands crossover: Trimkata

[neilly 105]

. This movie would have been 100% better with a nice boob or ass shot.

 

 

However, there are quite a few reverse upskirt shots of our hero handwalking up the stairs...so...there's that..

[inactiveuser501 168]

Guys, can we PLEASE talk about the only reason anything is done in this movie is to further the Star Wars Missile Defense System. I mean, it isn't even being vague. They are telling us indirectly that the Reagan Administration is responsible for this.

[AlexHope 0]

 

I have to say the crazy backwards face legitimately creeped me out in the movie. I dunno if the guy made out the back of his freak head to look like that, or maybe he's some sort of Siamese twin from Tales from the Crypt, or perhaps most likely he sculpted the head from some guy the villagers killed but it was pretty messed up.

 

What blew my mind was the end of the movie (not the lack thereof of not having an ending). First off I couldn't believe this was based on a book, who knows what liberties the movie took, but I can't honestly believe an author was crazy enough to think up combining gymnastics and karate on his own. So I guess he wrote a book about terrorists and "The Game", and then Kurt Thomas came along and they crafted the craziness for the movie. Also it was sort of strange to feel this was a happy ending when this was all about America wanting to install a Star Wars missile defense installation in this miserable country. Knowing that Russia probably invaded Parmistan and killed everyone in the village after the movie ended is upsetting.

 

One thing I must say is that the movie surprisingly flew by for me. The only slow part was the scene with the terrorists in which one terrorist slowly chased down our heroes down various alleyways and tried to gun them down (horribly missing each time). The same thing kept happening over and over again, which was incredibly boring. It wasn't like they were dodging the bullets or anything either, they were just running in a straight line and the terrorists kept missing. Oh and I also loved that Thomas kept running ahead of the Princess letting her take much of the gunfire; what kind of a heroic figure does that?

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

just watched it. the foley artists must have been exhausted after working on this. id say they got notes every morning saying "more foot steps, we need more footsteps ... above anything else on the screen we need to hear the footsteps!!!!". poor basterds must have cried everytime they saw horses come on screen

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

Guys, can we PLEASE talk about the only reason anything is done in this movie is to further the Star Wars Missile Defense System. I mean, it isn't even being vague. They are telling us indirectly that the Reagan Administration is responsible for this.

 

How about the King is basically an evil prick (or at least a milquetoast and duplicitous one) for just so gleefully encouraging these "games" to exist, for having a village of criminally insane cannibals, and forcing his daughter to marry some other evil prick with hair almost as dumb as Kurt Thomas'. It's ok because his daughter yells at him for ten seconds at the end and he turns "good."

 

I'm guessing the Reagan administration would have spotted this central Asian backwater, figureheaded by an amoral chump with a mustache and actually led by an asshole in a sleeveless vest, and saw it as the perfect testing ground for a new weapons program (named after a much better movie). I love the movie's post-script too, saying that the Star Wars program was installed and whatever, like the killing of a few ninjas gave the world the technology to shoot down nuclear missiles with laser beams.

 

More Crazy: Cabot's Dad comes back from the dead for half a minute, then gets hit by an arrow... but maybe lives because we see him on a horse in the background for five seconds?

 

Most importantly: Why is there a stone POMMEL HORSE in the middle of Insanitytown? Holy shit. Maybe that's why Jonathan Cabot was recruited in the first place? Because that Intelligence Agency knew he could use his Olympic skills to fend off the criminally shitballs?

[gordonmiller 4]

I really hope no one else has said this, but the sequel needs to be titled "Welcome Back Gymkata"

 

I have a theory as to one reason this movie got made. A theory that may immediately sink if someone can tell me when exactly it was shot.

 

This first story is relevant and I will tie it into Gymkata (1985) in the second paragraph.

 

In the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles the Eastern Bloc nations of the Soviet Union had boycotted the games with the exception of Romania. The Romanian Gymnast Ecaterina Szabó was in incredibly close contention with the American gymnast Mary Lou Retton for the overall gold medal in gymnastics. Mary Lou Retton had recently had a knee injury after winning some top level American competitions (this was her first Olympics) and was behind Ecaterina for gold when she unexpectedly scored perfect 10's in floor exercise and vault in what I assume was a sensational victory. Her amazing performance that earned the perfect 10's, as well as the narrow defeat of the "red menace", at the time famous for their domination of gymnastics, garnered the event fame and lasting recognition. Although I wasn't watching then, I assume it was sensational because she was made sportswoman of the year by numerous huge publications, became wheaties first spokeswoman, and appears in dozens of top Olympic moments lists to this day.

 

Now to tie it into this goddamn bananas movie...

 

It was released in May 1985 one year to the month after Mary Lou won her gold medal, which makes me worried about the shooting times aspect of the explanation.

 

While I'm no expert in production perhaps the ball got rolling on the movie as an attempt to capitalize on the popularity of gymnastics from the Retton win. Allow me to elaborate. Gender roles being what they are, particularly in the 80's, people involved making the movie thought a gymnastics movie would appeal to women and girls, but assumed and feared that no men/boys would ever want to see it. To make a gymnastics themed movie work on a broader audience they chose a popular attractive male gymnast from the previous Olympics to lead the movie, and tied in kung-fu and soviet era themes of spies and enter the dragon esque mysterious bases to pull in some male ticket buyers. The nation of Parmistan and vague Eastern European-ness feel of bad guys and setting as well as the covert operation tie ins were intended to play off the anti-Soviet passions of the Olympic Gymnastics win against Romania.

 

This absurd notion will probably fall apart when the shooting dates of the movie pre-date the Olympic victory or someone who knows what the hell they are talking about take a stab at an idea. Id mistakenly thought this movie was exploiting the Kerri Strug leg breaking perfect landing, but that was in 1996 so poking around I found out about this 1984 gymnastics win and here we are.

 

Thanks for reading everybody ^ ___ ^

[wakefresh 689]

I really hope no one else has said this, but the sequel needs to be titled "Welcome Back Gymkata"

 

I have a theory as to one reason this movie got made. A theory that may immediately sink if someone can tell me when exactly it was shot.

 

This first story is relevant and I will tie it into Gymkata (1985) in the second paragraph.

 

In the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles the Eastern Bloc nations of the Soviet Union had boycotted the games with the exception of Romania. The Romanian Gymnast Ecaterina Szabó was in incredibly close contention with the American gymnast Mary Lou Retton for the overall gold medal in gymnastics. Mary Lou Retton had recently had a knee injury after winning some top level American competitions (this was her first Olympics) and was behind Ecaterina for gold when she unexpectedly scored perfect 10's in floor exercise and vault in what I assume was a sensational victory. Her amazing performance that earned the perfect 10's, as well as the narrow defeat of the "red menace", at the time famous for their domination of gymnastics, garnered the event fame and lasting recognition. Although I wasn't watching then, I assume it was sensational because she was made sportswoman of the year by numerous huge publications, became wheaties first spokeswoman, and appears in dozens of top Olympic moments lists to this day.

 

Now to tie it into this goddamn bananas movie...

 

It was released in May 1985 one year to the month after Mary Lou won her gold medal, which makes me worried about the shooting times aspect of the explanation.

 

While I'm no expert in production perhaps the ball got rolling on the movie as an attempt to capitalize on the popularity of gymnastics from the Retton win. Allow me to elaborate. Gender roles being what they are, particularly in the 80's, people involved making the movie thought a gymnastics movie would appeal to women and girls, but assumed and feared that no men/boys would ever want to see it. To make a gymnastics themed movie work on a broader audience they chose a popular attractive male gymnast from the previous Olympics to lead the movie, and tied in kung-fu and soviet era themes of spies and enter the dragon esque mysterious bases to pull in some male ticket buyers. The nation of Parmistan and vague Eastern European-ness feel of bad guys and setting as well as the covert operation tie ins were intended to play off the anti-Soviet passions of the Olympic Gymnastics win against Romania.

 

This absurd notion will probably fall apart when the shooting dates of the movie pre-date the Olympic victory or someone who knows what the hell they are talking about take a stab at an idea. Id mistakenly thought this movie was exploiting the Kerri Strug leg breaking perfect landing, but that was in 1996 so poking around I found out about this 1984 gymnastics win and here we are.

 

Thanks for reading everybody ^ ___ ^

 

TheStray had a great breakdown of the story behind why the movie was made. Kurt Thomas never got to go to the 1980 Olympics because of the U.S. boycott. Because of that he missed out on his window to get a gold medal. Apparently he was a big deal in the sport and still is -- I just saw that he does commentary on gymnastics events.

 

Anyway, this movie was a way to cash in on his fame. He was going through a divorce and it was costing him money. I also think this movie was a recruiting film for the U.S. Gymnastics Association. I think they wanted to bring more boys into the program so they could start grooming the next Kurt Thomas. That's why the gymnast is the COOLEST GUY IN THE WORLD in this movie -- he gets the girl; saves his dad; saves the country; and extends U.S. dominance to another part of the world.

 

Ya know, the multiverse theory states that universe splits off at decision points and that there are an infinite number of universes just like our own, but with things slightly changed. So, somewhere in the superposition of realities, Gymkata was the number #1 movie in America. It made Kurt Thomas into a movie star and inspired two young boys in New Orleans to drop football and get on the pommel horse. Those two boys, Eli and Peyton, took home the gold in Sydeny and Beijing, bringing in a new era of dominance for U.S. Gymnastics. And to even everything out, Paul Hamm holds the all-time rushing record for 3-time NFL champions, The Cleveland Browns, and is a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame.

[robinsbruce 4985]

 

TheStray had a great breakdown of the story behind why the movie was made. Kurt Thomas never got to go to the 1980 Olympics because of the U.S. boycott. Because of that he missed out on his window to get a gold medal. Apparently he was a big deal in the sport and still is -- I just saw that he does commentary on gymnastics events.

 

Anyway, this movie was a way to cash in on his fame. He was going through a divorce and it was costing him money. I also think this movie was a recruiting film for the U.S. Gymnastics Association. I think they wanted to bring more boys into the program so they could start grooming the next Kurt Thomas. That's why the gymnast is the COOLEST GUY IN THE WORLD in this movie -- he gets the girl; saves his dad; saves the country; and extends U.S. dominance to another part of the world.

 

Ya know, the multiverse theory states that universe splits off at decision points and that there are an infinite number of universes just like our own, but with things slightly changed. So, somewhere in the superposition of realities, Gymkata was the number #1 movie in America. It made Kurt Thomas into a movie star and inspired two young boys in New Orleans to drop football and get on the pommel horse. Those two boys, Eli and Peyton, took home the gold in Sydeny and Beijing, bringing in a new era of dominance for U.S. Gymnastics. And to even everything out, Paul Hamm holds the all-time rushing record for 3-time NFL champions, The Cleveland Browns, and is a shoe-in for the Hall of Fame.

 

This is the universe I want to live in. I'm assuming bo jackson never destroyed his hip in this universe due to his extensive gymnastics conditioning?

[gordonmiller 4]

I read thestrays explanation before writing the post and totally agree with its sentiment and especially his summation (money, propaganda, wanting to cash in on his celebrity while it still existed, and to fill that void of Kurt not obtaining his Olympic dream). The timeline just seemed out of place that they released this movie so long after Kurt Thomas was already out of the olmypic boycott spotlight. Was it shot closer to 1980 and sat on shelves until 1985 and released after the United States got its big win?

[Lando 2019]

I just want to point out that being married does not definitively prove that he is straight.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

 

 

Well, it's "The skill of gymnastics. The kill of karate." But the real point is...

 

Shouldn't the movie's name be GYMKARATE? Or GYMRATE? Gymkata sounds like a foot infection you'd get from the showers at 24 Hour Fitness.

 

 

And then, of course, the character's name would have also been Jim Karate. It works on ALL levels!

 

Annnnnnd I just saw someone's Jim Kata remark. Dammit, I really should have read through everything before commenting. I am SO late to the party this week...

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Also, "the kill of karate"? I don't think killing is really a central tenet of karate.

 

"The self defense of karate" just doesn't have the same kind of ring to it. Ironically, it lacks that certain punch...

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

This movie is a propaganda film for the U.S. Gymnastics Association. I bet they were looking to get young kids interested in gymnastics and build up the program to battle against the Russians. Remember, this is at the height of the Eastern Bloc doped up athlete, and the U.S. was actually getting a run for its money at the Games (the Olympic kind, not the Parmistan kind). It explains so much about why the movie is the way it is:

 

No cursing.

 

That's why they cast a Playboy bunny as the love interest and there was no nudity. This movie would have been 100% better with a nice boob or ass shot.

 

Also, this explains why the plot is so crazy. It doesn't have to make sense if the main audience is 6-8 year-olds. When the CIA guy is like "Military action is out of style," it doesn't make sense to anyone who has taken a U.S. History class, but to an elementary-aged child, it makes total sense

 

All of the animals. Kids love animals.

 

 

And they also try to make it seem like you can use your gymnastic skills to beat people up. That's why the pommel horse is in the Village of the Crazies because they wanted to make a connection between that piece of equipment and excitement. I wonder how many guys started doing gymnastics because of this movie.

 

 

It sounds like the "Act of Valor" of it's day. If you don't think it's a good movie, you simply hate America.