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MattJoachim

Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (1999)

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This movie features a millenium old Jinn, who needs to collect 1001 souls to jump start the apocalypse. He lets himself get locked up in a penitentiary, where he figures sous will be easy to harvest, since they have nothing to do but "Weesh." He gains a sould by tricking people into "Weeshing" for something. They all make some random comment like "I wish my lawyer would go fuck himself." Wishmaster asks the convict, "Is that your weeesh?" He, like everyone else, says something like "You're a fucking lunatic, and go fuck yourself, but yes, that's my wish." Convict goes to meet with lawyer, who immediately gives him the great news: "I have an unfinalized deal in place and you're gonna go free." Before the con can get too excited, the lawyer is bent in half by some invisible wish magic, then proceeds to fuck his own ass to death...doggystyle, and bent over the table. The convict's response is as follows: "Hey, holmes, what the fuck are you doing!? What are you doing that!?" And as the lawyer begins to die from auto erotic assfucksiation, the con screams not once but twice in successively louder volumes, "What about my deeeealll?" Haha. You made a wish. It went bad. Now you're stuck in jail and you have no soul. That is not even the most ridiculous part of the movie. Watch i\t. It's on NETFLIX. All 5 Wishmasters are. Remember the name MUSTAFA. Sounds Russian, right? I know. BTW, the Jinn speaks in a completely forced and painfully slowed sown faux baritone throughout. Like if Patrick Warburton had a double stroke. Review the movie. Dont review it. At least watch it. It is fucking hilarious and not on purpose.

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"Good Afternoon, Mr...doesn't matter, I'm your publicly appointed attorney. I understand your last attorney fucked himself to death?"

 

"I guess. I don't know why he was doing that bro."

 

"I'm just a little confused regarding your story. As unlikely as it is, I fail to see how bending oneself in half allows one any easier access to prospective suicidal ass-fucking? It's like trying to face two sides of a penny. It's just not going to happen no matter how many times you fold it."

 

"Look, I dunno man. I dunno why he was doing that man..."

 

"I guess you actually can face two sides of penny if you bend it into a moebius..."

 

"Man. I dunno. I dunno why he was doing that..."

 

"Perhaps something happened recently, that may bear some relevance to his absurd death? Do you recall anything strange immediately preceding this incident?"

 

"Listen Holmes, I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT GUY WAS DOING THAT."

 

I just like the conceit that nobodies first thought is, "This is both physically and conceptually impossible. The fact that he is bent in half, while also bizarre, does not reconcile this. It's possibly related to that evil genie...". They just think the attorney is kinda a jerk, broke the laws of reality, and did this to himself.

 

"Man...why are you doing that?"

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Yes!!!!!!!!!!! This movie (and actors) is just made for this show.

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I'd do a double feature with the first one as that was basically an attempt by the studio to make the monster an icon by having it kill a bunch of actors from other horror movies like Robert Englund, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, just to name a few. What's funny about this series is that the third and fourth movie were made by a different production crew, and were a mix between straight-to-video horror and softcore porn.

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That honestly was one of the best aspects of the first two movies, or at the very least the first movie. They really thought that Robert Davi's Djinn was going to be the next Freddy Krueger or Jason.

 

Theres a scene in this movie thats among the best i've seen in any movie where the Djinn is trying to get into somebodys office and the security guard inadvertently wishes the Djinn to leave. The transition from smug to utter confusion on Robert Davi's face is fucking amazing.

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Yeah I think that was Kane Hodder, and the Djinn ends up turning him into a glass door or something. Then he drowns Tony Todd in a magician's trick if I remember right.

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I'd do a double feature with the first one as that was basically an attempt by the studio to make the monster an icon by having it kill a bunch of actors from other horror movies like Robert Englund, Kane Hodder, Tony Todd, just to name a few. What's funny about this series is that the third and fourth movie were made by a different production crew, and were a mix between straight-to-video horror and softcore porn.

This reminds me of something I saw in a guitar magazine a long time ago. I remember one time seeing an article about the worst guitar albums of all time. One was by some dude I'd never heard of, and the album cover featured him pissing on what was supposedly the graves of Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, and maybe Joe Satriani. The writer said something about that image maybe seeming offensive at first, but hey, if pissing on the graves of our heroes is what keeps HIM from picking up a guitar, he can do it all day long.

 

That's kind of how I feel about movies like this that think they're having the torch passed to them. You're going to break your own arm patting yourself on the back before anybody thinks you're hot shit for killing Kane Hodder in a movie, pal...

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That honestly was one of the best aspects of the first two movies, or at the very least the first movie. They really thought that Robert Davi's Djinn was going to be the next Freddy Krueger or Jason.

 

Theres a scene in this movie thats among the best i've seen in any movie where the Djinn is trying to get into somebodys office and the security guard inadvertently wishes the Djinn to leave. The transition from smug to utter confusion on Robert Davi's face is fucking amazing.

It's not even Robert Davi, it's bobo Davi actor Andrew Divoff who would be an HDTGM All star as he was also in Mac and Me.

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God how did I confuse those two he was also the bad guy in another HDTGM contender Low down dirty shame.

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To be fair, go-to 80s action assholes/villains were basically interchangeable.

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