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Jewel of The Nile (1985)

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People of Earth, I present to you for your consideration....



The Jewel of the Nile!!!!


The year was 1985, and after the success of "Romancing the Stone" who could have guessed how far off the mark this star studded picture could hit. Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny DeVito all reprise their roles from the original in this terrible movie about an author who gets suckered into writing lies for an evil middle eastern Sheik/Dictator who has "stolen" the Jewel of the Nile from his people.


Can these white people save the day for the apparently inept middle easterners?

Of course, because 80's racism.


Are there elaborate traps that seem to be put there as reference to something the audience has no prior knowledge of?



Do these traps involve Rats?

Oh Yeah!


And Acid?

You know they do!!!


But wait I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's let Danny Devito tell us about the picture...



Wait, did he just brake the fourth way?

You're god damn right he did.


Oh and did I tell you that the whole thing culminates at what appears to be the scene from Apples 1984 commercial but set in the desert? Well now I have. You Can't Unknow That!


It's 107 mins of all out bonkers! Nothing makes sense and I don't care.


Hang on hang on, who directed this piece of -

Lewis Teague!


The Director of "Navy Seals"?



Do I have any reason NOT to watch this movie?

Only if you hate America and Fun.


What if I chose not to watch this movie?

God will send someone to sit behind you at every movie talking on their phone. You're at home? TOO BAD! Random strangers will now loudly talk on their phones behind you.


That sounds like hell.

Then Shut Up and Watch Dumb Dumb!

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This needs a pod. They must have HURTLED into production of a sequel. Lewis Teague shows everyone what a good job Zemeckis did on the first one by doing an absolutely appalling job of this film. The music is like something from a low end 1980s arcade game. The special effects are dreadful. And apparently Sufi Muslims are magic druids?

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I haven’t watched Jewel in a LONG time, but I did just read an excellent interview with Kathleen Turner in Vulture from a little over a year ago. The interview is really long, so I chopped it down to the pertinent questions to this post, but the whole thing is well worth reading. She definitely cuts through the bullshit and tells it like it is.

Here’s the excerpt (and title of the article):

Trump’s ‘Gross’ Handshake and the Co-Star She Slapped

David Marchese

Aug. 7, 2018.

Just to go back to working with Michael Douglas. You did three movies with him. How quickly was it apparent that you played off each other so well? Is that something you realize as it’s happening or are you only aware of it later, when you see it onscreen?

Well, you can’t tell on the first day. With Michael, and Danny [DeVito], too, I think they saw me as one of the guys, you know? I was willing to throw myself down mountainsides. And when we did the sequel, Jewel of the Nile, the sense of coming back together was so cool. It was nice to be back with friends.

Were you surprised or hurt at the way Michael leaned on you to do that movie?

That was a bad blowup. I had signed a contract to do a sequel [to Romancing the Stone] but the script for it [The Jewel of the Nile] was terrible. What had happened was that Romancing was so successful that Diane [Thomas], who wrote the original script, evidently asked Michael for what he felt was a ridiculous sum to work on the sequel. So instead, he went with these two guys and what they came up with was terrible, formulaic, sentimental. Anyway, I said no. Then I found out I was being sued for $25 million [for breach of contract]. My position was that, yes, I signed up for a sequel but I didn’t sign up to compromise the quality of my work. Eventually Michael and I talked.

How’d that go?

He said, “What would it take for you to do this film?” I wanted Diane back, or at least to give input. And Michael did go to her for some alterations. But ultimately I read the script on a plane to Morocco, where the film was shooting, and I was furious. It didn’t have what Michael said it’d have. When I got to the hotel in Fez, Michael and I sat down on the floor with three versions of the script. We were trading pages to get a script that was acceptable to both of us. It was, “I’ll do this if you’ll do that.” It was frustrating. But I do have to say, when I got sick Danny and Michael called and said, “If you need anything, kid …” So they’re true friends.


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