Jurassic World (2015)

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Pratt's character would be a lot more interesting if he were playing Tim, the kid from Jurassic Park, who conquered his literal and metaphorical childhood monsters, and—against the advice of his mentor Alan Grant—comes back to the island as a consultant. Adult Tim would have had greater personal motivation for rescuing the dopey kids from peril, and the raptors teaming up with the original T-Rex from Jurassic Park to kill the Indominus would be a better callback to the first movie (where the same T-Rex saves Tim and the others from the raptors.)

 

I was less annoyed by product placement than I was the ham-handed nostalgia play within the first five minutes. There is fuck-all taking place onscreen beyond wide establishing shots of the park, yet the audience is being hammered with the original score from Jurassic Park. "DO YOU REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE A KID? THIS IS THAT TOO."

Along those same lines, I was wondering why Bryce Dallas Howard's character wasn't the grown-up Lex. Putting her and Pratt in the roles of the kids now running their grandfather's park, or even just one of the characters coming back, would have made perfect sense. I'm surprised THAT hasn't been brought up more. Minus the romantic subplot, it could have been pretty swell.

[Ofcoursemyhorse 1043]

Pratt's character would be a lot more interesting if he were playing Tim, the kid from Jurassic Park, who conquered his literal and metaphorical childhood monsters, and—against the advice of his mentor Alan Grant—comes back to the island as a consultant. Adult Tim would have had greater personal motivation for rescuing the dopey kids from peril, and the raptors teaming up with the original T-Rex from Jurassic Park to kill the Indominus would be a better callback to the first movie (where the same T-Rex saves Tim and the others from the raptors.)

 

I was less annoyed by product placement than I was the ham-handed nostalgia play within the first five minutes. There is fuck-all taking place onscreen beyond wide establishing shots of the park, yet the audience is being hammered with the original score from Jurassic Park. "DO YOU REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE A KID? THIS IS THAT TOO."

 

 

I also would have liked if Chris Pratts character was the kid Alan Grant terrified with the raptor claw and this was his story full circle.

[Quasar Sniffer 4174]

That musical sting from the original score really did put a bad taste in my mouth from the beginning. It was like the movie was trying to resurrect the emotional resonance of the entire first movie, one that came out when I was fucking nine years old, just as these two annoying kids were riding up a God damn escalator in a theme park lobby. Who cares about this kids? Nobody, and that doesn't change just because you recycled and old musical theme. The whole thing just felt unearned to me.

 

Of course this movie isn't going to affect me the same way as a movie I saw when I was nine, but it seemed like Jurassic World, without doing anything but introduce idiotic characters and a theme park gift shop, was trying to do so. It was just emblematic of the problems I had with the film.

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

That musical sting from the original score really did put a bad taste in my mouth from the beginning. It was like the movie was trying to resurrect the emotional resonance of the entire first movie, one that came out when I was fucking nine years old, just as these two annoying kids were riding up a God damn escalator in a theme park lobby. Who cares about this kids? Nobody, and that doesn't change just because you recycled and old musical theme. The whole thing just felt unearned to me.

 

Of course this movie isn't going to affect me the same way as a movie I saw when I was nine, but it seemed like Jurassic World, without doing anything but introduce idiotic characters and a theme park gift shop, was trying to do so. It was just emblematic of the problems I had with the film.

I didn't notice whether or not the musical piece existed IN "Jurassic World", like if it was just in the score or if it popped up in the world of the film where the characters could hear it, but I think a good gag would have been to make it the "It's a Small World" of that place.

[IAMKAZAAM 0]

Pratt's character would be a lot more interesting if he were playing Tim, the kid from Jurassic Park, who conquered his literal and metaphorical childhood monsters, and—against the advice of his mentor Alan Grant—comes back to the island as a consultant.

 

 

That would've been the right move, especially since they were going hardcore with the nostalgia.

[registradus 4]

That musical sting from the original score really did put a bad taste in my mouth from the beginning.

 

I think Mara Wilson said it best:

 

"Let's put it this way: in Jurassic Park, the music swells even they see a herd of dinosaurs. In JW, when they see... a theme park."

 

https://twitter.com/...939248104505346

[MattSzegedi 1]

What in the name of sh1t does anybody mean by 'this isn't worthy of being sent up by HDTGM'. This pile of effluent has all the markings of a turd, but nostalgia is skewing their perception.

From the outset we are greeted by 2 unlikeable, middle class, rich kids, who's parents surprisingly aren't coming with them to a fucking DINOSAUR park. I guess those dinosaur parks are 2 a penny where they come from. Instead their folks are getting divorced. No wonder one of them is such a creepy bastard that rather than talking to girls he just stares uncomfortably at them for hours - without saying a word. F@ck that's weird.

Then there is the new dinosaur that is being created. WTF. This part blows my f@cking mind due to the total lack of common sense and at that point I checked out. What in the name of f@ck is more terrifying than a T-Rex? I can only guess at a T-Rex with a rocket launcher on its back and the mental capacity to use it. Or Kim Jong Un running a dog kennel. Saying that, those wacky scientist do create a giant lizard that seems to be bullet proof. So that's got to keep you up at night.

Then you have the 2 kids riding around in a state-of-the-art glass ball that doesn't get covered in sh1t and cannot be piloted remotely. I.E. Oh no, one of our glass balls is still out in the field with 2 children in it. No problem, I'll just press this button and it will come directly back to wherever the f@ck I want it to. Nonsense.

This leads to a real problem I have with Jurassic W@nk. The kids Aunt then pursues her nephews in healed shoes. Running through a f@cking jungle.

The kids repair a Jeep that hasn't moved in 20 years or more!?

Raptors motorcycle gangs, are you shitting me? If this scene didn't make you laugh out loud then you are dead inside.

Solving the problem of a mutant dinosaur/nobel laureate running amok by introducing a T-Rex to the party. A T-Rex who then happily ambles away at the end with his Raptor mate like they are next on one of the rides.

My only wish for this film was that the ending be hyper realistic since the previous hour and a half was such absurdity. When the parents are back with their kids the father tells the Aunt what an useless c@nt she is for almost killing his sons and then tells his wife he wants full custody.

[seanotron 2307]

Raptors motorcycle gangs, are you shitting me? If this scene didn't make you laugh out loud scream with glee then you are dead inside.

[Lando 2019]

I am so confused as to why he censored himself. He even got 90% of the swears, even wank but then let a shit slip through. Maybe he's trying to keep his post TV-MA.

[firsttimecallerlongtimelistenr 3590]

just watched Andrew Galdi and HDTGM's own Avaryl Halley Movie Bitches review. funny stuff

 

[registradus 4]

Though it did make me wonder why Samsung or Verizon would want the placement, since they subsequently have the characters lament about how horrible product placement is.

Only movie I've seen where the advertised product is broken/cracked?

[registradus 4]

I don't understand how anyone can view this as anything other than a B-movie. and enjoy it.

[ckentinator 0]

Because it made an obscene amount of money, I have a feeling people or going to disagree with me on this one, but Jurassic World is probably the worst entry in it's series. It uses cartoon cgi in a series known for groundbreaking practical effects. It has the half hearted attempt to develop a romance between Claire and Owen who have absolutely no chemistry. The villain's plan feels like it's ripped out of a Dr. Evil playbook. In the context of the previous films in the series it makes no sense that the Park is now open, or that the public would be bored by live dinosaurs so quickly. Instead of a believable dinosaur menace we get the evil genius hybrid. Realism is thrown out the window long before the raptor and t-rex share a bro nod (yes I demand realism in my dinosaur cloning movies). Claire and Owen show no remorse for their actions which directly lead to the deaths of hundreds. And every potentially frightening moment is thrown out the window for a one liner or slapstick comedy moment.

[Ofcoursemyhorse 1043]

So what do you think can Jeff Goldblum save the sequel?

[PlanBFromOuterSpace 3138]

Only movie I've seen where the advertised product is broken/cracked?

I'm trying to remember what podcast I was listening to recently, but they mentioned "Mad Men" and how the creator of the show had said that he'd wanted to weave the products into the storylines in such a way that you couldn't tell which ones they were actually being paid to use. One of the hosts then mentioned a subplot that involved a Jaguar exec signing with the agency only if Joan would sleep with him and how in another episode, one of the characters tried to kill himself IN his Jaguar, which made him come to the conclusion that Jaguar was probably one of the companies that was NOT paying to be on the show.