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Episode 89 — Erin Whitehead, Our Close Friend

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"...and I also think that maybe it's time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do, but can no longer pretend that you can."

 

-Jerri Blank

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Can I post on this forum even though I don't have a pet?

Facts about me:

I am a girl.

I don't have any pets.

I think HH is great. Hayes and Sean are so nice and funny and smart that I went back and listened to the Reality Show Show and now I'm watching the Bachelorette and Big Brother and I'm just wondering -- is there a place for that kind of conversation here as well? Because those shows are, I'm now realizing, pretty good.

Great first post

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Can I post on this forum even though I don't have a pet?

Facts about me:

I am a girl.

I don't have any pets.

I think HH is great. Hayes and Sean are so nice and funny and smart that I went back and listened to the Reality Show Show and now I'm watching the Bachelorette and Big Brother and I'm just wondering -- is there a place for that kind of conversation here as well? Because those shows are, I'm now realizing, pretty good.

 

Hi Fleergen,

 

I'm really glad you posted here. I have been really struggling to find someone to talk to about reality shows because all of my friends recently stabbed me in the back and I don't want to talk about it but honestly you wouldn't believe what they put me through. I'm watching Big Brother and The Bachelorette too! Did you enjoy the first episode of Big Brother? You know I wouldn't even care if they had just been straightforward with me. You try to build trust and develop a bond and you end up losing everything, but enough about two-faced frenemies... Let's get down to business. To start here is a link to my Tumblr post about the first ep of Big Brother: http://genuinehorror.tumblr.com/post/122525645469/big-brother-season-17-episode-1

 

Talk to you later!

Please don't take my friendship for granted!

 

Fleergen + Valerie = BFFS 2015 lol

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I wrote notes too but Valerie has recently disowned me so I'm not going to post them.

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I am about half way through the first ep of the new Big Brother. So far I want to kill the bartender from NYC. Gonna be a wild and crazy summer, you guys!

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HOW COME PEOPLE LET JOHN BE A DENTIST? WHY IS SOCIETY TOLERATING THIS YELLY MOTHERFUCKER AND LETTING HIM BE A DOCTOR? I DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THIS?

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...continued

 

INT: SCOTT AUKERMAN'S OFFICE

 

SEAN

Something doesn't smell right about this Scott, the killer is clearly eating his victims, which is too scary, but what's scarier is that Hayes didn't seem like himself when we inspected the crime scene.

 

SCOTT

How so?

 

SEAN

I would have expected someone as brilliant and nice and funny as Hayes to have figured this out, or at least had some input, but he had nothing. I know this might sound crazy cobonkos nuts, but I just have a feeling Hayes is involved in this somehow.

 

SCOTT

Hayes a cannibal? I've heard of Hannibal Lechter, but Hayes Davenport? You're off your rocker Sean. Maybe I've been working you too hard. Take some time off. Just relax in your sick basement apartment, or go shred the mountain or something.

 

SEAN

How can I shred the mountain at a time like this?

 

SCOTT

Heynong man, you'll shred the mountain if you know what's good for you.

 

SEAN

Yes, sir...

 

CUT TO

 

INT: HAYES' MANSION

 

Hayes and Sean sit across from one another at an exquisitely set candlelit table. Sean picks at his food, trying to eat only vegetables.

 

HAYES

Is the meal not to your liking?

 

SEAN

No, it's good. I've just been juicing a lot lately. I did a big juice before I got here, so I'm just a little full.

 

HAYES

That's OK, buddy. You don't have to force-feed yourself just to be polite in front of me. We're best friends!

 

SEAN

That's right Hayes. We are best friends. And best friends tell each other everything, right?

 

HAYES

Of course.

 

SEAN

Hayes are you killing Earwolf podcast hosts and eating their body parts?

 

HAYES

What? No! That's... I can't lie to you Sean. Yeah, I killed and ate all those people.

 

SEAN GRABS A KNIFE FROM THE TABLE AND LUNGES AT HAYES. HAYES, LARGE AND ATHLETIC AS HE IS, DODGES SEAN, GRABS THE KNIFE AND DOES A BIG PUNCH. HE GETS BEHIND SEAN, HOLDING THE KNIFE TO HIS NECK, THEIR FACES TOUCHING.

 

SEAN

How could you do this Hayes?

 

HAYES

I did it for you, Sean! I did it for you!

 

SEAN

What?

 

HAYES

Do you remember when we worked together on Alvin Gregory and all those writers got laid off? What do you think happened to them? They were going to lay us off Sean. Unless they could free up money in the budget. Do you remember when that other guy who auditioned for that part in Parks and Rec didn't show up for his call back?

 

SEAN

Hayes. No. That was you? Why?

 

HAYES

people are blind Sean. Not everyone can see the beauty that I see in you. Comedy needs you. I need you. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to blaze the trail for you to take over Hollywood.

 

SEAN

What about Jeff Garlin? and the apples sisters and whoever else?

 

HAYES

Do you remember when we were doing the reality show show together, things were touch and go for a while?

 

SEAN

Yes...

 

FLASHBACK: INT: SCOTT AUKERMAN'S OFFICE

 

SCOTT

Hayes, I'm sorry, but I just can't justify keeping you guys on. RSS is the lowest rated podcast on the network.

 

HAYES

Come on, Scott. We have the most loyal fanbase in the podcast community and you know that. Also, if we can't do the show anymore, I can't see Sean as much. We'll start to drift apart. I can't bear the thought of that.

 

SCOTT

Well, I don't know what to tell you Hayes. How can I keep you guys on, but drop another podcast with higher ratings? How would I explain that? To be honest, we've got a few podcasts on the chopping block, which makes it even worse. I can't cancel 5 podcasts with more downloads than RSS, but keep you guys. Honestly, the thought of it makes me sick. Stupid Jeff Ullrich is making me break the news to them myself because he says he's "tired of being the bad guy"

 

HAYES

What if the situation took care of itself? What if all those other podcasts came to a 'natural' conclusion AND me and Hayes could stand on the air?

 

SCOTT

How would that happen?

 

HAYES

The less you know, the better.

 

SCOTT

I see. Go for it.

 

HAYES

Thank you, Scott. One condition: Sean and I keep our podcast on Earwolf, but we change it. We can't watch all the reality TV anymore. We just want to come in completely unprepared and say whatever comes to our minds for an hour and then go home, like everyone else.

 

SCOTT

Deal.

 

BACK TO PRESENT TIME - INT: HAYES' HOUSE

 

HAYES

So you see, Sean. It was all for you.

 

SEAN

I...I... don't know what to say...

 

HAYES

Don't say anything. Just get over here and give me a big, wet kissy

 

(music swells)

 

HAYES AND SEAN EMBRACE AND DO A REAL BIG KISSY. SEAN TAKES A BIG PIECE OF HUMAN FLESH OFF THE TABLE AND EATS IT. THEY EMBRACE AGAIN AND CONTINUE THE KISSY. THEIR LIPS SLICK WITH THE RENDERED FAT OF HUMAN.

 

FADE OUT

 

THE END.

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Los Angeles people who I haven't met yet, if you feel inclined to meet me, I'm going to Shitty Jobs on 7/12. Let me know if you're going and we can make plans to meet before hand. That is all.

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Los Angeles people who I haven't met yet, if you feel inclined to meet me, I'm going to Shitty Jobs on 7/12. Let me know if you're going and we can make plans to meet before hand. That is all.

 

I'll let you know

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I'll allow it.

 

Wow... I take a few days away from the forum and I've already been betrayed by two of you, if not more. This is truly, truly upsetting.

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http://genuinehorror...on-17-episode-2

 

Episode 2 thoughts. I hardly even tried to be funny in this one, so it's hard to say if it's worth a read. YOUR CALL!

 

Very good assessment!

 

I have 2 favorites as of now. JASON obviously! That man is a TREASURE. We are from the same state but I swear to you I do not talk like that! They other hamster after my heart is Engineer Cody Steve. My heart is swooning at his inept nerdiness and I am pretty sure he should have a job at Wolf Cool one day!

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http://genuinehorror...on-17-episode-2

 

Episode 2 thoughts. I hardly even tried to be funny in this one, so it's hard to say if it's worth a read. YOUR CALL!

 

I was a tutor in college and for a summer after. Your post about your kids brought me back. Maybe should have stayed there longer myself.

 

 

 

 

 

...I really don't care about reality shows...

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I'm about a year late on this, but I just watched whiplash starring jk rowlings and Miley teller. What a movie! And the drumming!

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Taco time or Jack-in-the-box, choose one.

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Taco time or Jack-in-the-box, choose one.

 

McDonald's (but you already knew that)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My real answer is Taco Time. Always Taco Time.

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when ur m8s are rite slaggered from lager and wonnuv'em, e's stumblin down the apples and pears and you get one proper butcher's at the bloke and know e must've'ad a whole Henry to himself earlier, way he's lolloping about like a bleeding camel, then all of a sudden u lock eyes at the fellow and you know it's time for a cheeky dorito

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when ur m8s are rite slaggered from lager and wonnuv'em, e's stumblin down the apples and pears and you get one proper butcher's at the bloke and know e must've'ad a whole Henry to himself earlier, way he's lolloping about like a bleeding camel, then all of a sudden u lock eyes at the fellow and you know it's time for a cheeky dorito

 

Nah mate. It's like when you've just glassed your mate boz for looking at shaniqua the wrong way and the fuzz are chasing you down and your other mate dickie says follow me and he jumps into a building and you know the smell of piri piri and before you know it you're having a cheeky Nandos

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