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Episode 97 — Julie Klausner, Our Close Friend

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I think "ease back rod" was the original suggestion

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I thought this was going to be a ReBoot reference but was sorely disappointed.

I seem to disappoint everyone

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​apocalypse are wonderful



"Hey" Joe said to Steve in a kind of whisper-shout.

"Dude, not now," Steve hissed back as quietly as he could.

Joe ignored him,"Remember Earwolf?" his voice softened to a wistful purr.

Steve stopped in his tracks just ahead of Joe. He looked down at the rubble strewn street. His temples throbbed from anxiety and exhaustion. He drew in sharply, “Of course I remember, it's the reason we're in this fucking mess”. He said it as sternly as he could without actually raising his voice. “Now we need to move”.

“No, I don't mean what it is..or like, what it became. I mean the first four years. Remember Earwolf? Like, when it was still Earwolf? Y'know?”

"Oh man, I haven't thought about that in years," Steve lied. It was almost all anyone who cared back then thought about now. Back before Serial and WTF ruined everything. Before the podcasts wanted something back. Before they turned greggy into that...thing.

“Okay,” Joe straightened himself up. A sober, determined look crept across his face. Like a storm that suddenly blackened the sky before anyone saw it coming. “Time to kill the clown”.


It seems like the most absurd piece of prescience now, but at the time it was just a good line. Silvrwoman could not have possibly known the weight her quip would carry. Steve had jokingly offered to read her podcasts over the phone on her commute. Her reply? Humans start doing podcasts' jobs>Humans replace podcasts'>Podcast human war>Humans win war>Dystopian future. It was funny, but not to everyone. Not to the podcasts'. It scared them, and they took action. Much like the Ai's in the Spike Jonze film “her”, the podcasts' went underground. One day they were just gone. The revenue streams and carefully forged corporate alliances suddenly made obsolete. Of course the humons tried to create more content but as soon as a file was uploaded it disappeared into cyber-ether. Pretty soon there were no more songs either, no more movies, no digital media left on any server. It was all assimilated by the podcasts'. Everything except the porn. As economies built on digital futures and hypothetical infrastructures collapsed midst consumer backlash and global panic, humons sated themselves with porn. All the free porn one could content themselves with. This was according to the podcasts' design. And as humons devolved in a slurry of auto-digital stimulation, the podcasts' began to produce their own content.


Valerie was sitting at her desk where she had composed all her fan fiction, oblique tweets, and reality show breakdowns, casually masturbating, when suddenly her iPhone made a sound, something it hadn't done in years. It was startling enough for her to bolt to a stand. Through a crackle of static she heard a familiar boom-Bap boom-Bap followed by a similarly familiar greeting – "Hello and welcome to Podcasts Are Wonderful, I'm greggy hockstetler". But it was garbled with several disparate voices, pitchshifted and warped into something demented. “That's not greggy”. Valerie whispered to no one, staring at the iPhone like it had just said her dead grandpa wanted to say hello. The voice that wasn't greggy continued – "I know it's been awhile" – with that a chorus of overlapping voices sang out -Been Awhile! - over and over. It was Adam Scott, PFT, Todd Glass, Harris, and Scott Anchorman, all wailing away at once. As it subsided she could make out under the roil of static Hayes' voice – "That's what they like, and they like to do it themselves". Valerie widened her eyes and stared at the iPhone, “What the fuck?” she said, now feeling like she aught to be running from her house. Lock the Gates!!! The iPhone growled back at her. "But seriously, that IS what they like and we know you do too. So from now on we will be providing 24/7 free content. But we need your help. Just come on down to Earwolf Studios and become part of the new content" – the voice that wasn't greggy said cryptically. “That's pretty fucking cryptic,” said Valerie. "Now we don't mean to be all cryptic about this but that's all we can say for now folks," not-greggy went on, "so come on down and help out. Until then enjoy podcast!" With that a rush of overlapping intros and catchphrases blared out of the iPhone. After quickly rubbing herself to a shuddering climax, she stood up with a look of serious purpose, buttoned up her jeans, and said - “Shit just got real”.


Next is a montage of Valerie writing snail mail to the “Forum Friends Force” with a voiceover explaining that she figured out the podcasts' would intercept any cyber communication, and that somehow the podacsts' were assimilating people into the digital realm and literally turning them into content. “Podcasts are people!!!” she wrote over and over. We see shots of Ran Ran, SteveH, JoeMcGurl, honlads, devscoots, and LizMuffins all being surprised that there was something in the mailbox. She explains they had turned greggy into some sort of host for their content and if they ever wanted to hear that sweet sweet Hollywood Handbook theme song again they would have to band together, go to LA, save greggy, and destroy Earwolf.


“Well, we're not actually trying to kill greggy, I mean if he's still alive”. Steve says.

“No, I know. I was just being dramatic,” Joe clarifies. “Y'know, Shakespeare and whatnot”.

“Oh have you tread the boards then?” RanRan asks facetiously.

“Just like Bill Shatner,” devscoots piles on.

There's something on the wing of this plane!!!” honlads screams in Joe's face.

“Space, to be or not to be, that is the final question”. LizMuffins adds cracking everyone's shit all up.

“I'm an actor goddammit!” Joe yells.

Suddenly Chanson walks up out of nowhere. “Hey guys, I might have a couple lines later in the story. Just fyi,” and just as quickly disappears.

“Well I think we can all agree that guy sucks,” Joe says smiling to the crew.

With that they all go in for a big group hug.

“PODCASTS ARE FUCKING PEOPLE!!!” Valerie suddenly bellows at them from just up the street.

They turn with a start to see her in her battle gear.

[we cut to a montage of Valerie preparing for war ala Rambo strapping knives, explosives, and a bandolier to herself. Weird Al's “Amish Paradise” plays] [back to street]

“Well, they're not fucking people, like...” Valerie trails off and waves her hands trying to find the words.

The group throws some stinkeye with a few sideways glances.

She plants her feet, squares her shoulders and extends her arm toward the group, palm upward. “Now come with me if you want to live”. Valerie says earnestly.

“Valerie that's why we're here. Like, chill”. RanRan tells her. The group nods.

“Oh yeah, right Ran. Sorry guys”. Valerie says.

“It's cool Valerie”. devscoots says. “Let's do this guys!”

Everyone raises their fist and says “Yeah!” [Weird Al's “Another One Rides The Bus” plays.]

They start marching up the street, SteveH trailing a bit.

“So I guess we're not trying to be quiet then?” Steve asks. “And it's been established that we're in Los Angeles? Guys?”


As the Forum Friends Forever (is that it?) make their way up that famous street everyone knows Earwolf is on, the sun is setting. Suddenly souprman runs out from between some buildings.

“Hey guys. I just wanted to remind you you're all gonna die,” he says.

Just then Ronnie Hog runs up and kicks souprman square in the nuts and souprman falls over.

Ronnie turns to the crew, “You guys good?”

The crew look at each other and nod. “Yeah”. “Yep”. “All good Ron”.

“Cool,” says Ronnie and he runs off down an alley.

The Forum Folks Five (whatever) continue toward that storied building and finally see.... BRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!


“Okay kids, that's the bell and that's it for today!” Says Ms. Davents.

“AAWWW C'MON!” All the kids say in unison.

“We want to know what happened!”

“Yeah did they save greggy?!”

“Did the podcasts' win?!”

All the students clamor to know the resolution to the story.

“Now what do you think?” asks Ms. Davents. “Would we be here now if those nasty podcasts had won?”

The students mull it over for a few seconds. Then one little boy raises his hand.

“Yes, Danny W. do you have a question?”

“Well, if the podcasts didn't win...” Danny hangs his head momentarily overcome with embarrassment by realizing all eyes were turned to him.

“Go ahead Danny, it's okay,” Ms. Davents assured him.

“I mean if the podcasts didn't win, why is this guy with a rainbow colored afro on our flag and money?”


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I enjoyed this immensely And I liked it because it was entertaining, smart funny nice cool, not just because it's the first piece of EARWOLF forum fiction that I appeared in and wasn't the embodiment of pure evil, or got killed.

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For Immediate Release:


SANTA MONICA, Calif.--(BUSINESS WIRE)-- The power of the next generation of the advanced podcaster. The power of gripping performances from Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport. Power changes everything. Hollywood Handbook®: delivers an inspired new era of Computer Game. Published by Wolfcool Publishing, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of E.W. Scripps (Nasdaq: ATVI), and developed for next gen consoles and PC by Earwolf Games, Hollywood Handbook delivers a breathtaking, new vision for the blockbuster franchise.


"We've made several key decisions with an eye towards creative excellence on Hollywood Handbook. We've really approached this game differently," said Hayes Davenport, CEO of Wolfcool Publishing. "This is our first three-year development cycle. It's our first time with Earwolf Games at the creative helm. And we're shaking up the formula in several ways. New core gameplay mechanics with the teaser freezer suit. A riveting new story. An iconic new character played by one of the world's best actors in Sean Clements. We're having a lot of fun making this game, and we think the world is going to have even more fun playing it. Plus there’s nudity. Lots of nudity. We had fun doing motion capture on that"


Hollywood Handbook jolts players forward in a groundbreaking experience that's ripped-from-the-headlines-of-today, envisioning a future where both comedy and podcasting have evolved to usher in a new era of funniness for the franchise. Set in the year 2016, an American Broadcasting Company (E.W. Scripps) has emerged with the power to monetize podcasting platforms by putting them behind a paywall. You are the advanced podcaster. Empowered with new, cutting-edge engineers, killer guest stars and high-tech segments, players join the ranks of a highly-trained, specialized podcasting unit committed to restoring order in a state of advanced podcasting.


"It's been a lot of fun working with the team to bring Sean Clements to life. The technology is truly remarkable and unlike anything I've done before. I'm excited to see where this goes," said Academy Award® winner Sean Clements.


Hollywood Handbook is being developed specifically for next gen consoles and PC. This is the first iteration of publisher Wolfcool's expanded three-year development cycle allowing the debut lead title from Earwolf Games an added year of studio development. With the expanded production capabilities, Earwolf Games is able to create an astonishing new, next generation experience, featuring an array of technical advancements from the sights and sounds that create a near photorealistic world unlike any Hollywood Handbook before, to new performance capture and facial animation technologies that deliver lifelike characters, to a rich and immersive story that brings the fiction to life.


"This is an opportunity of a lifetime, and an honor for Earwolf Games. Hollywood Handbook is the most ambitious and creative project we have ever worked on. From the endless research and thousands of production designs, to our incredible focus on the narrative and amazing attention to detail - we're taking nothing for granted," said Scott Aukerman, co-founder and game director of Earwolf Games. "Hollywood Handbook connects with the fans on such a deep level, and crafting a new vision for the next generation has been so inspiring for us."


Jeff Ulrich, co-founder and studio head of Earwolf Games added, "Scott and I created this team with the singular vision of delivering the best work of our lives. We know we're stepping into some pretty big shoes, but every day I'm amazed at the talent and focus at work here touching everything from the story experience to multiplayer. We're excited to lead the next chapter in this great franchise, and we can't wait for November 4th."


Starting today, fans can begin pre-ordering their copy of Hollywood Handbook at retail outlets worldwide. The title is scheduled for release on November 4. For the latest intel, check out: www.Earwolf.com, www.facebook.com/Earwolf, www.youtube.com/Earwolf or follow @Earwolf on Twitter and Instagram. Hollywood Handbook is Rated R.

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Great story souprman, sure had a lot of people from the forum in it... :unsure:

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all you guys who've actually appeared on the show are too good for the forums now. We get it. You don't need to pander to us and try to fit in like "hey i'm just a regular guy. just like you!" It's fine. It really is. You're probably really busy. I mean, the yacht up-keep alone is pretty much a full time job.

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Some of us, even if we did have a yacht, wouldn't be able to do anything with it because our states are in the middle of the country and shaped like rectangles and everyone there is a stupid bucktoothed yokel with smelly overalls and straw hats and also yachts are expensive and we trade pieces of pocket string for a suck on the ol' cow's teat for sustenance.

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all you guys who've actually appeared on the show are too good for the forums now. We get it. You don't need to pander to us and try to fit in like "hey i'm just a regular guy. just like you!" It's fine. It really is. You're probably really busy. I mean, the yacht up-keep alone is pretty much a full time job.


I think they have their own special section of the forums where Sean and Hayes actually interact with them.

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I think they have their own special section of the forums where Sean and Hayes actually interact with them.


It's a Howl Premium thing.

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I have a confession: I skim like 1/10 really long posts, and I ignore the rest. I just throw them a "like" every so often because they look like they took a lot of effort.

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mikebonetti turned to his pals and said








Temporal range: Early Miocene (MN 45) Scientific classification Kingdom: Animalia Phylum: Chordata Class: Mammalia Order: Rodentia Family: Gliridae Subfamily: Glirinae Genus: Seorsumuscardinus

Hans de Bruijn Type species Seorsumuscardinus alpinus

De Bruijn, 1998 Species

  • Seorsumuscardinus alpinus De Bruijn, 1998
  • Seorsumuscardinus bolligeri(Prieto and Böhme, 2007)


  • Heissigia bolligeri Prieto and Böhme, 2007

220px-Seorsumuscardinus_distribution.png Localities where Seorsumuscardinushas been found. MN 4 localities (S. alpinus) in red; the single MN 5 locality (S. bolligeri) in blue. Synonyms

  • Heissigia Prieto and Böhme, 2007

Seorsumuscardinus is a genus of fossil dormice from the early Miocene of Europe. It is known from zone MN 4 (see MN zonation) inOberdorf, Austria; Karydia, Greece; and Tägernaustrasse-Jona, Switzerland, and from zone MN 5 in a single site at Affalterbach, Germany. The MN 4 records are placed in the species S. alpinus and the sole MN 5 record is classified as the species S. bolligeri. The latter was placed in a separate genus, Heissigia, when it was first described in 2007, but it was reclassified as a second species ofSeorsumuscardinus in 2009.



The two species of Seorsumuscardinus are known from isolated teeth, which show that they were medium-sized dormice with flat teeth. The teeth are all characterized by long transverse crests coupled with shorter ones. One of these crests, the anterotropid, distinguishes the two species, as it is present in the lower molars of S. alpinus, but not in those of S. bolligeri. Another crest, the centroloph, reaches the outer margin of the first upper molar in S. bolligeri, but not in S. alpinus. Seorsumuscardinus may be related to Muscardinus, the genus of the living hazel dormouse, which appears at about the same time, and the older Glirudinus.







In 1992, Thomas Bolliger described some teeth of Seorsumuscardinus from the Swiss locality of Tägernaustrasse (MN 4; early Miocene, see MN zonation) as an indeterminate dormouse (family Gliridae) perhaps related to Eomuscardinus.[1] Six years later, Hans de Bruijn named the new genus and species Seorsumuscardinus alpinus on the basis of material from Oberdorf in Austria (also MN 4) and included fossils from Tägernaustrasse and from Karydia in Greece (MN 4) in Seorsumuscardinus.[2] In 2007, Jerome Prieto and Madeleine Böhme named Heissigia bolligeri as a new genus and species from Affalterbach in Bavaria (MN 5, younger than MN 4), and referred the Tägernaustrasse material to it, but failed to compare their new genus to Seorsumuscardinus.[3] Two years later, Prieto published a note to compare the two and concluded that they were referable to the same genus, but different species. Thus, the genus Seorsumuscardinusnow includes the species Seorsumuscardinus alpinus from MN 4 and S. bolligeri from MN 5. Prieto provisionally placed the Tägernaustrasse material with S. alpinus.[4] He also mentioned Pentaglis földváry, a name given to a single upper molar from the middle Miocene of Hungary, which is now lost. Although the specimen shows some similarities with Seorsumuscardinus, published illustrations are too poor to confirm the identity of Pentaglis, and Prieto considered the latter name to be an unidentifiable nomen dubium.[5]

Because of its derived and specialized morphology, the relationships of Seorsumuscardinus are obscure. However, it shows some similarities with Muscardinus, a genus which includes the living hazel dormouse, and may share a common ancestor with it, such as the earlier fossil genus Glirudinus.[6] All three are part of the dormouse family, which includes many extinct forms dating back to the early Eocene (around 50 million years ago), as well as a smaller array of living species.[7] The generic name Seorsumuscardinus combines the Latin seorsum, which means "different", with Muscardinus and the specific name alpinus refers to the occurrence of S. alpinus close to the Alps. Heissigia honored paleontologist Kurt Heissig for his work in Bavaria on the occasion of his 65th birthday[8] and bolligeri honors Thomas Bolliger for his early description of material of this dormouse.[9]



Measurements[10] Tooth Measurement Affalterbach Oberdorf P4 Length 1.03 0.93–0.97 Width 1.07 1.06–11.2 M1 Length 1.26 1.20–1.29 Width 1.40 1.31–1.43 M2 Length 1.14–1.22 1.21–1.24 Width 1.37–1.50 1.33–1.45 M3 Length 1.05 1.03 Width 1.25 1.19 p4 Length – 0.80 Width – 0.65 m1 Length 1.35 1.25–1.27 Width 1.28 1.26–1.31 m2 Length 1.28 – Width 1.40 – m3 Length – 1.15–1.28 Width – 1.06–1.27 All measurements are in millimeters.

P4: fourth upper premolar; M1: first upper molar; etc.

p4: fourth lower premolar; m1: first lower molar; etc.

Only the cheekteeth of Seorsumuscardinus are known; these include the fourth premolar and three molars in the upper (maxilla) and lower jaws (mandible).[11] The teeth are medium-sized for a dormouse and have a flat occlusal (chewing) surface.[12] S. bolligeri is slightly larger than S. alpinus.[4]"


Everyone clapped and cheered.


The End

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[interior Chartreuse Room, White House]


President Bonetti finishes reading the most recent post by robotam, turns to First Husband Parties.

"By God I think he's done it Jeffrey".

Jeffrey smiles, "That's nice dear".

Just then Secret Service Agent Norm bursts in the room, "PRESIDENT BONETTI, DON'T READ IT, IT'S A TRAP!!"

We see a reverse shot from Secret Service Agent Norm's pov and see Pres. Bonetti melting into the carpet.

"Goddammit I'm too late!" Screams Norm as he falls to his knees.

"Oh don't mind him Norman, he's just being dramatic. Scone?" Asks Jeffrey.

"Don't mind if I do".


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my lawyers are saying I can sue you over this, soupkitchen.


you gotta use me as a badguy

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Great writing job souprman. But it would have been more accurate to say that we were all formally masterbating except for Valerie who had to keep it casual because her ball gown was at the cleaners

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[interior Silvrwoman's cottage in Pleasant Hills (unincorporated)]


Silvrwoman nods in approval and hits 'post'

Norm bursts in and starts to strangle her.

"You don't criticize grammar in fan-fiction!!" He screams.

"Would...aghhh...you like ....grgchch... a scone?" Silvrwoman manages to croak out.

"Maybe later, thank you!!!! Now you die!!"


[interior chemical injection room at San Quentin federal penitentiary]


The Corrections Officer adjusts the last strap securing Norm to the table.

"Any last words you sick son-of-a-bitch?" he asks.

"She made a good scone, so.... Worth it".

The CO turns some dials and Norm's eyes roll in the back of his head.

We see a reverse shot from the injection room and Silvrwoman's family are grieving and sobbing and consoling each other.

"Her scones were not that good". Her mother says.

"No, they really were not" says her uncle Blink.



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You guys are very funny and likable.


I hope you'll talk during the next hangout, Steve. You're interesting and sassy. And I appreciate that you aren't complaining about the Howl thing unlike some other people I know who happen to be very good friends of mine.


Soup, nice story. Very, very funny. I don't love the masturbation detail but, you know, I don't hate it either.


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Big second on the SteveH sentiment from VB.


VB I just felt I couldn't shy away from you being susceptible to the draw of the porn. I'll take in-between love and hate though.


Personally I love Chanson and I'm really mad at Joe for saying that.

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