EPISODE 100 — Aasif Mandvi, Our Big Get / Scott Ankerman, Our Business Rival

[Who Comma Mike Jones 154]

There were way more posts this time last week on the previous thread

 

Most of the forum users are renegotiating their contracts too.

[kobthatreal 5896]

Nachooo Liiibrreeee!

 

Ayye ayye!! What a good episode!!

 

Hollywood Handbook is the PREMIER spot to get the hot scoops and up ur swag juice if you ain't listenin ya jewels aint glistenin man so get your shine on with this podcast! Holla!

[skizelo 2536]

If we can talk about the backroom boy's podcast, Trends with Benefits, here, let me say: lol at July trying to tackle Zippy the Pinhead, the famously impenetrable strip about 60s kitschy motels and drive throughs. That's an advanced-level strip.

Also you should check out Apartment 3G: the artist is 92 and is ignoring the writer's set directions, who has responded by telling a story about tibeten monks and curses.

e: if this is the wrong place to talk about TWB pls copy and paste this into the right place thank you.

[Dairy Pillows 1109]

hello.

 

Hi.

[chanson 9697]

 

Hi.

 

Political. I like it.

[elizamuffins 4228]

There were way more posts this time last week on the previous thread, but hardly any nacho jokes. What were we thinking? Let's make up for last week with some more nacho jokes.

 

 

 

I have some bad news to report. Some may see it as good news. In fact, it is good news for me I guess. I am writing to you now from my own basement. When I joined these forums I was staying in my Mom's basement. So really I am moving up in the world even though I am still in a basement. I guess the difference now is I am allowed upstairs because that is where my bed is and all my other stuff and there aren't any candles or pictures of my dumbass siblings up there. ANYWAYS this has made me significantly busier but still I have been able to keep up on the forums well enough.

 

I also started a new "job" in relation to my studies at the local community college. Okay it is an unpaid internship but I get to go to a nice medical office and work with really nice people and yesterday one of the surgeons bought us all lunch so that was pretty cool. I am not allowed to use my phone or even go online all day though so that has been TOTALLY GARBAGE!!! you guys who can go online at work have no idea how good you got it!

 

See you on the other side, handbook heads! I <3 you all, even Chanson!!!!!

 

PS-Anyone else going to Oddball in Mansfield tonight???

[greggy 15909]

when i started listening to hollywood handbook, i was carrying corpses to the funeral pyre. yes freidns, i was the lowest caste, a dead-toucher. i had no options for marriage. a dead-toucher woman had shown interest, but her beauty was such that her father was able to find her a suitor of the shit-toucher plumbing caste so of course she looked beyond her love for me to the much broader economic and social vistas available with a man who snakes toilets instead of carrying dead bodies. its funny, dead-touchers will know all your secrets when you pass away and the wind whispers your name and your story in our ear as we carry you to the fires, and yet when you are alive, you will not speak to us. is it that fact more than the actual handling of corpses that disgusts you about us? it is hard to say, but sometimes i think yes

 

now that ive listened to hollywood handbook though, i have moved beyond my dead-toucher beginnings! i have climbed above the caste system's crushing strictures! i am a dead-toucher no more! i now am a broom-toucher, one of that noble caste responsible for sweeping up drug stores after they close for the night. friends, do not look up to me with awe, for i believe any of you lowly trash-touchers could climb as i have. i can only imagine what my life would be like had i not only listened to one episode of this life-changing podcast. whee-eeez the juice, sean said it like a homo, hollywood handbook #61 is my bible

[chicknsandwich 2495]

 

Hi.

 

It's interesting to watch Dairy Pillow's slow rise to world domination.

[Jakal 4475]

hello.

Is it me you're looking for?

[chanson 9697]

Is it me you're looking for?

 

Always.

 

...how many times do I have to tell you? You're so needy sometimes.

[JacobCrites 4977]

when i started listening to hollywood handbook, i was carrying corpses to the funeral pyre. yes freidns, i was the lowest caste, a dead-toucher. i had no options for marriage. a dead-toucher woman had shown interest, but her beauty was such that her father was able to find her a suitor of the shit-toucher plumbing caste so of course she looked beyond her love for me to the much broader economic and social vistas available with a man who snakes toilets instead of carrying dead bodies. its funny, dead-touchers will know all your secrets when you pass away and the wind whispers your name and your story in our ear as we carry you to the fires, and yet when you are alive, you will not speak to us. is it that fact more than the actual handling of corpses that disgusts you about us? it is hard to say, but sometimes i think yes

 

now that ive listened to hollywood handbook though, i have moved beyond my dead-toucher beginnings! i have climbed above the caste system's crushing strictures! i am a dead-toucher no more! i now am a broom-toucher, one of that noble caste responsible for sweeping up drug stores after they close for the night. friends, do not look up to me with awe, for i believe any of you lowly trash-touchers could climb as i have. i can only imagine what my life would be like had i not only listened to one episode of this life-changing podcast. whee-eeez the juice, sean said it like a homo, hollywood handbook #61 is my bible

Thanks for sharing Greggy. This thread is basically now just people saying Hi to each other, so I'm glad you posted something personal. Maybe we could all share where we were when we started listening to Hollywood Handbook and how it has improved our lives?

 

As you know, I live in Ohio. Ohio is a flat dirt-plain of nothing except two UDF gas-stations and sometimes a cow. We do, however, have a sky. Before I started listening to Hollywood Handbook, I was a cloud-looker. Most people in Ohio are too depressed to look at anything other than their shoes, which they often can't see because of the tears that well over their eye's balls. Because their head-hanging depression, it was up to me to look up into the sky and tell them what clouds were, and what they looked like, and if they were mean clouds (gray, stormy-looking or shaped like a mad face) or nice clouds (white, fluffy, or shaped like the one good UDF gas-station). As you can imagine it was tiring work craning my neck all day and constantly shouting at the top of my lungs so the whole town could hear scientific descriptions of what clouds are and what they looked like, and also I was never even paid in money because in Ohio we work on a bartering system based around dirt. After every day I was only given fifty clods of She-Dirt, which I couldn't even spend because I'm a boy. However one day I was able to trick the town blind-man and Steve Job's nephew Jebediah Jobs into thinking I was a girl, and I traded all my She-Dirt for one iPod. It was that day I discovered Hollywood Handbook, which was of course on the front page of the itunes store every day. Now I get to look straight ahead at movie scripts and hot stars instead of up at heaven fluffs.

[elizamuffins 4228]

I never really put 2+2 together that my life started getting better after I started listening to Hollywood Handbook. Thanks to you Greggy, and you JacobC it has all become clear. Your testimony has changed my life.

 

All glory to Hayes and Sean!

[SteveH 11126]

The first time I listened to Hollywood Handbook it was on a computer, around last christmas. I was living upstairs in my in-laws' house. I was unemployed. Now I live in a 1 bedroom apartment with my wife and son. I also have a job, which I am at right now, writing this very post while on a conference call I don't need to be on.

 

Thanks Hollywood Handbook!

 

Also: @JacobC - top notch post. I feel like it deserves more than a 'like' so I'm giving it a full-on compliment. I'm still laughing about "she-dirt"

[Joe Lerini 7329]

Thanks for sharing Greggy. This thread is basically now just people saying Hi to each other, so I'm glad you posted something personal. Maybe we could all share where we were when we started listening to Hollywood Handbook and how it has improved our lives?

 

As you know, I live in Ohio. Ohio is a flat dirt-plain of nothing except two UDF gas-stations and sometimes a cow. We do, however, have a sky. Before I started listening to Hollywood Handbook, I was a cloud-looker. Most people in Ohio are too depressed to look at anything other than their shoes, which they often can't see because of the tears that well over their eye's balls. Because their head-hanging depression, it was up to me to look up into the sky and tell them what clouds were, and what they looked like, and if they were mean clouds (gray, stormy-looking or shaped like a mad face) or nice clouds (white, fluffy, or shaped like the one good UDF gas-station). As you can imagine it was tiring work craning my neck all day and constantly shouting at the top of my lungs so the whole town could hear scientific descriptions of what clouds are and what they looked like, and also I was never even paid in money because in Ohio we work on a bartering system based around dirt. After every day I was only given fifty clods of She-Dirt, which I couldn't even spend because I'm a boy. However one day I was able to trick the town blind-man and Steve Job's nephew Jebediah Jobs into thinking I was a girl, and I traded all my She-Dirt for one iPod. It was that day I discovered Hollywood Handbook, which was of course on the front page of the itunes store every day. Now I get to look straight ahead at movie scripts and hot stars instead of up at heaven fluffs.

So, you're telling me there's a cloud-looker position available?

 

*punches up resume*

[Game of Scones 5812]

Im shipping Greggy x Jacob.

[Danny Boy Wizard 1342]

i lived in a room in virginia now i still live in a room in virginia

different room, though

listened to the ep there

 

v funny, v good

[JacobCrites 4977]

 

Also: @JacobC - top notch post. I feel like it deserves more than a 'like' so I'm giving it a full-on compliment. I'm still laughing about "she-dirt"

You are too kind. I thank you deeply

Im shipping Greggy x Jacob.

If you listen to the episode of Podcasts Are Wonderful I was on you can sense a lot of sexual tension between us.

[souprman 10477]

Before I listened to Hollywood Handbook I was a high school dropout. For 20 years. Sure I suppose I could have listened to Hollywood Handbook any time during that 20 years, I knew how many lives it had improved. But I thought; "No, you're a high school dropout and that's all you'll ever be. Your dad was a high school dropout, your mom was a high school dropout, hell your dog even quit obedience school. Know your station and leave Hollywood Handbook to the people that deserve it." Plus it seemed like no matter where I looked I couldn't find Hollywood Handbook. I thought I must not have the right operating system. Then one day I was in a Body Shop in Houston (no relation) and there was a program playing over the Harmon Karden speakers. I asked the model at the counter what was playing and before he looked up from the small mirror he was gazing into he said "It's Hollywood Handbook, duh-doyee!" He then looked at me and his eyes grew wide, "Oh my god, your a high school dropout! Um, no this is Cartalk, yeah that's it." But it was too late, he couldn't cover his gaff. It was then I learned why Hollywood Handbook was being hidden from common high school dropout's like me. It was all about liberation, about laying bare the system and exposing it warts-and-all for the losers of the world. Since then I've started earning two separate degrees, teaching Chinese to Native Americans, going for long walks, and I talked to a girl. Even my dog finally learned German! Thanks Hollywood Handbook for teaching me that being worthless has it's own value. Viva Zapata!

[Silvrwoman 4998]

Before I listened to HH, I was living in an unlit pear-shaped room. Although warm, it was extremely wet and dark. It also limited my access to the outside world, as opposed to where I currently live which is only a block away from the bus station (location, location, location). Most of the time, I was pretty happy (my landlord drank a lot), and although it was pretty noisy, the constant chatter didn’t bother me much.

 

“I didn’t want a baby anyway!”

 

“You didn’t want this? Then you shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with our therapist!”

 

“I wouldn’t have had to if you were ever around!”

 

“I’m not around because I’m trying to provide a good life for us.”

 

“Provide a good life for us? Is that what you call trying to sell hand copied Cards Against Humanity decks? The blank cards you use cost more than the authentic game itself; is there nothing I can do to convince you that this business venture of yours will never be profitable?”

 

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not a nuclear physicist or a person who recycles.”

 

“I’m not asking you to be like me; I just wish you wouldn’t put aluminum cans in the trash bin.”

 

“I’d put them in the recycling, but what’s the point when we both know that it most likely won’t be recycled anyway, and…ya know…the emissions. And it’s a conspiracy by the government anyway.”

 

“Ugh. Gulp gulp…I think this wine is corked.”

 

The only sound that bothered me was “Aww can I feel her kick?” At which point, I would incessantly punch the walls of my room with my fists, my only form of communication at the time, to tell them that visitors were not welcome, and to please leave me alone. Unfortunately, this seldom worked.

 

But then my life changed. I started listening to Hollywood Handbook, and eventually gained the courage to move out. My situation is much better these days, as I get to spend most of my waking life at a meaningless job, pay 50% of the income I earn from that job on rent, and have as much light as I can afford.

[RocHoover 400]

I've been so busy guys.. I miss you all and I am proud of all of you

[dixon 5920]

That mural's really coming along.

 

[robotam 4493]

hi

[chanson 9697]

Hollywood Handbook ruined my life and made it literally impossible for me to ever find employment or pass a background check. It did allow me to become a pseudo-celebrity in a very niche corner of the podcasting world and I am very thankful for that. Thanks, Hayes and Sean.

[greggy 15909]

yeah using your real name on the forums can bite you in the @$$ but brave men like you and me chanson know its the only way

[Jack Johnson P.I. 3649]

Hey Handbook Homies, it sure has been awhile!

 

What have you been up to?

 

I've just been thinking about how great it's gonna be when Akon finishes signing his check for "Smack That" so that he can start making music again.

 

Names sure are weird!

Sincerely,

Jack