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47 Ronin (2013)

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I'm surprised to not find this already listed. Its a big budget film, relatively recent, with a strange should-have-seen-it-coming misstep (Reeves thrown into the story as half-Japanese) and it apparently failed to earn what was spent to film it. Throw in a panicked production with re-writes, edits and no advanced screenings. Sound like the hosts could have fun with it.

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with a strange should-have-seen-it-coming misstep (Reeves thrown into the story as half-Japanese)

 

Let's not forget that they also took a historic event that's considered quite important in Japan, and threw in witches and dragons and shit for no apparent reason. Try and imagine if a Civil War movie felt the need to spice up the action by having Bigfoot and yetis helping the Union, and you'll have an idea of why that's probably not appropriate.

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Let's not forget that they also took a historic event that's considered quite important in Japan, and threw in witches and dragons and shit for no apparent reason. Try and imagine if a Civil War movie felt the need to spice up the action by having Bigfoot and yetis helping the Union, and you'll have an idea of why that's probably not appropriate.

I know what I'M going as at my next Civil War reenactment!

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It's basically the Japanese 300. Then again, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is the American Civil War with vampires thrown in. Basically, there isn't a historical battle that someone doesn't think would be better if only there were some kind of supernatural element thrown in.

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It's basically the Japanese 300. Then again, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is the American Civil War with vampires thrown in. Basically, there isn't a historical battle that someone doesn't think would be better if only there were some kind of supernatural element thrown in.

 

In fairness, I think taking it out was a big reason season 2 of True Detective sucked so hard

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Oh, Come on. Ive just watched the first few minutes of this and already a suppoesdly Japanese Keanu Reeves has taken down a giant monster cow/spider/stag/tail flailing beast thing all the while defying sporadic subtitling. Good Lord, after only 10 minutes theres enough to send Jason into a frenzy.

I must finish this movie & report back.

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Okay 25 minutes in and the production values are immense. Cash seems to have been puked at this, its almost intolerabably lovely to look at, and we've added shape shifting David Bowie eyed foxes into the plot. If this gets any better then I actually might spontaeously explode.

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Thanks to the mods for merging this, I actually did use the search function for it but my fat fingers must have let me down.

Still this is really good stuff. You cannot believe the money that must have been spent on it.

The shape shifting Bowie fox/girl is also a spider producing vampire witch. Thats enough to go on, surely?

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Okay. What to take from this. Well a few things.

1) What the actual living fuck?

2) (spoiler) Mass suicide as a happy ending?!!!

3) Japanese women = hotter than the core of the sun.

4) Seriously, what the fuck?

5) Good God, that was lovely to look at.

6) Theres another hour or two of this knocking about somewhere, isnt there?

7) Genuinely, this would have made more sense to me in Japanese, and I only speak English.

8) No, please, what the eff was that all about?

 

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Ive just watched the first few minutes of this and already a suppoesdly Japanese Keanu Reeves has taken down a giant monster cow/spider/stag/tail flailing beast thing

So Keanu was fighting John Carpenter's The Thing?

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So Keanu was fighting John Carpenter's The Thing?

 

If only it were that simple.

 

XIaFwkb.jpg

 

 

Thinking back in it from last night, I'm still not sure it all wasnt some unwelcome acid flashback. Was there really a forest full of sword distributing lizard monks who had raised Keanu? Because he just casually threw that into the conversation out of absolutely nowhere when his outlaw band started whinging about lack of weaponry.

 

Outlaw: "But, Keanu san, we have no swords to fight with."

Keanu: "Thats totally bogus dude, but,like, the lizard dudes who raised me in the Tengu forest have, like, a bodacious pile of magic swords they can give us. Excellent!"

Outlaw: "Wait! Why havent you thought to mention this before, and I mean, ever before, Keanu san?! Because I have just spent the past two weeks eating small twigs and berries in the middle of this goddamn wilderness and my shit is like rusty water. If I thought we could have been able to kill a deer or even a few fucking rabbits for lunch instead....."

Keanu: "Err...because, dude..umm...ahh...well....Hey look over there, dudes! Theres a bomb on that bus! Wyld Stallyns rule!" <runs away into the forest while the other 46 are distracted>

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Let's not forget that they also took a historic event that's considered quite important in Japan, and threw in witches and dragons and shit for no apparent reason. Try and imagine if a Civil War movie felt the need to spice up the action by having Bigfoot and yetis helping the Union, and you'll have an idea of why that's probably not appropriate.

Oh, and speaking of taking liberties with the Civil War, here's a film that was recently made by some people that I know. It's a real thing...

 

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I went into this movie expecting "13 Assassins" (If you haven't seen 13 Assassins, just watch it, it's one of the most fucking amazing movies ever), I came out of it all "Bleh".

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I've seen Jonah Hex earlier tonight and now this (both on account of this board), and my response is similar: too middling for the podcast. It's bland fare all around, and you can't even play the "they had to have a white guy to sell it" card, because in this at least they let the main japanese guy kill the main baddy. The demon spawn/witch/starting monster angle is just lost, and not bad enough to warrant much discussion. Even the mass suicide happy ending is pretty fitting given the setting, even more so after reading the wiki page on the historical 47 ronin (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forty-seven_Ronin).

 

Just like "the last samurai" featuring Tom Cruise as the white-guy-to-sell-the-movie, this seems like a perfect candidate on paper. Going by the film itself, not so much.

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I have to disagree.

The lizard monks who we first become aware of half way through the film came straight out of fucking nowhere.

Then when Keanu has to prove to them his worthiness for the magic swords he wins through by using The Flash like speed, which would have come in pretty damn useful before on many occassions, but he just couldnt bother his arse presumably . I dont think he uses it again.

 

There's a wonderfully clumsy bit of exposition in a film that, for a change, needs a whole truckload more exposition: "What would you, the son of an English sailor and a Geisha, know of such things?" or something.

 

Was there 47 ronin, or 4 or 4000 you genuinely could not tell things were that confusing.

You mention the historical context, well thats fine if you are Japanese or are one on the vanishingly small percentage of non Japanese to have studied Japanese 17th century history, but 99.999% of the movies non Japanese intended audience would not have a clue that the events were based on actual historical events, hopefully without shape shifters and lizard monks in reality.

Can you imagine a non western audience trying to figure out a film, that without any explanation throws them into the to Sherman's march through Georgia or Washington crossing the Delaware? Or Richard III's ill fated advance to Bosworth Field or Wellington's stand against Napoleon's advance on the ridge at Waterloo?

Even if they dont involve dragons.

Though interestingly I think they are filming Naomi Novik's excellent Temeraire novels in which Wellington fights Napoleon with...er...dragons.

There was absolutely no effort whats so fucking ever to set the scene.

We were just thrown straight in with a teenage skinhead Keanu with some weird big scars on his shaven head (it was naturally never explained how he got the scars or what relevance they had to him or the, what passed for, plot) just hareing hell for leather through the trees and then going arse over tit into a river before the benevolent samurai fishes him out.

Next scene, 10 years (or maybe 10 months or 10 minutes, I dont know. We're not told and with this film any of the 3 is possible anyway) a bearded and foot taller Keanu is on horseback chasing the giant stagspidercowlion.

 

And, again, this movie was jaw droppingly stunning to look at. It must have cost a Shogun's ransom.

 

They could get a whole episode out of the first 10 minutes (or was it an hour? Its hard to fathom).

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