What would be the opening line of your stand up routine.

[nosebear 59]

mine would be.

XANAX!! Who names this shit?!?!!?!

[Broseph 62]

"I found a hundred dollars today! *wait for applause* But, it was a counterfeit hundred dollars. But, when I looked closer I saw it was made of diamonds. But, they were counterfeit diamonds."

[Johnny Unusual 524]

And what is the deal with opening bits? Am I right? The comedians know what I'm talkin' 'bout!

[nosebear 59]

BOOOOOOOOOM THERE GOES THE NEIGHBOURHOOD!!!!!

But like, where would it go? i mean really, ha ha, where would a neighbourhood go...to....i have no idea. ANYWAYS

[Hobocop 59]

"HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT!!!"

[plantin 0]

Let me start by thanking (name the guy who was on just before) for that flashdrive with kiddie porn. Really good shit, man! Thanks!

[R Wodehouse 2]

50 years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass

[Johnny Unusual 524]

Interesting note: that was also Bob Newhart's opening bit.

[Foam Corner 94]

"Please don't hate me!"

[allenpwilliams 167]

Sorry I'm not in the best mood. My aunt just killed herself. See, I have this ant farm... well, anyway, right next to it is the gun she shot herself with. I'm just messing around, she hung herself. Anyways,...

[sarahride 83]

"Thanks for not staring at my tits"

[crunkthemilkup 10]

Hi I'm Sam, founder of of Luke Thompson Subaru

[justin 38]

"Do we have any birthdays in the audience!?!?!"

[Julia 477]

Camden, New Jersey! Make some noise!

[Skeevins 322]

The sign at the drive-through says "smiles are free." I'm going to shoot worthlessness all over your faces.

[ChaseRoper 64]

women be shoppin.

[sarahride 83]

Camden, New Jersey! Make some noise!

Holy shit, you're from Camden? I live in Fishtown!

[robstraws 16]

I want to talk to you folks tonight about a very serious topic. Retention ponds.

[Daniel Lee 8]

So what do you guys think about this electoral season? Can-I-Dayt more like Can-Di-Dayt. Its a commonly mispronounced word

[JockyBat 0]

So I left my child unattended in a hobby shop hoping he would be given an espresso and sold to a puppy for slave labor...

[sarahride 83]

Were you even aware that female Anglo mutts could possess a stand-up comedy gene? No? Prepare to have your mind blown, fuckers!

[ianbauer 25]

But seriously, folks.

[charlie 4]

"Hello."

[lawblob 0]

FYI - Bobby Brown was in Ghostbusters 2. Sorry for such small details; its my prerogative.

@lawblob

[Osiristacleseus 0]

When deciding on food on an airplane, I always go with the mile high club sandwich.