Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous (2008)

[Mr_Nice_Swatch 0]

So, I'm a big fan of the show. Not much into message boards these days but I couldn't resist signing up to make this topic.

 

At about 3 AM the other night, while I should have been sleeping, I instead found myself channel surfing trying to find something entertaining that I was pretty sure I wouldn't find. That's when I stumbled upon this gem. I saw the description and noticed Jessica Simpson and Vivica A. Fox, two relatively big stars for the time (the guide said 2008, more on that later), and yet I have never heard of this movie at all. I know that big stars + obscurity can usually only mean thing: Dog shit. And let me tell you: I was right. It's about a famous movie star, played by Simpson, who joins the army and goes through bootcamp. Now, let me be as clear as I can be.

 

This. Movie. Is. Fucking. Terrible.

 

Like almost like nothing I've ever seen. Though I fell asleep before it was over, I saw enough and I don't need any more, though I must admit I'm intriuged to see the rest. Let me recap for you briefly

 

-I turn the movie on to see Jessica Simpson running out on her boyfriend who is in some insanely colored brief style underwear. As she goes on about "How could you?" and all that, he says that he was just with her cause it was good for his career. At this point, another man comes running out wearing the same matching underwear and I realize at this point that she must have caught the two of them being gay together. Needless to say, from this point on I was hooked in.

 

-From her gay exboyfriend's house, she drives her jeep down the road while CHUGGING a bottle of wine.

 

-She drives her jeep of a bridge and down a hill and INTO A TREE, only to have the hair bag go off, leaving her completly unscaved, though now sloppy drunk. Also, as I stated, she has not one scratch on her, but her makeup is now inexplicably running down her face.

 

-She then stumbles drunkenly down a country road until she winds up in the city where she passes out on the doorstep to an Army recruitment place

 

-She wakes up and goes inside. Partially inspired by how hot the recruiter is(who is btw played Dee's army boyfriend on Its Always Sunny), partly by a video playing in the backround, she signs up to be in the army.

 

-THE NEXT SCENE IS BOOTCAMP. There is no lapse in time, she's still WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT. WHAT.

 

- At bootcamp, she acts like she has a mental disabilty.

 

- We meet Vivica A Fox, a drill sargeant, and...wait for it...fucking Cheri Oteri who is in bootcamp despite being at least 45 years old.

 

- Jessica Simpson decides she wants to leave, they won't let her, Steve Guttenberg is her agent. Everything is completly bonkers. I fall asleep.

 

Now take time to consider that EVERYTHING I just described happens in like 15 minutes. And I'm pretty sure like 3 hours in movie time.

 

After doing some further research, I found that the movie was a running joke in 2008 on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and only saw theaters in Russia and Bulgaria. It was then released a year later on DVD in the US.

 

I think this movie fits the HDTGM format perfectly and would be an excellend movie to disect. Has anyone else seen this pile of garbage that can back me up?

[Armando13 8]

This movie is on tbs right now. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad

Every scene - terribad

 

Cheri Oteri has a funny cameo in it

 

Other than that, this movie needs to be talked about on the podcast.