Episode 248 Velocipastor

[Elektra Boogaloo 3371]

Quote

Paul, June, and Jason discuss the 2019 comedy horror action film The VelociPastor. They talk about not knowing when they were being winked at, daylight VelociPastor, June’s sauna bed viewing experience, Tik Tok, and more.

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Very happy with the sauna burrito discussion. 

I didn’t watch this film and I am going to say it is due to scientific accuracy. Because of “Jurassic Park”s raptors (which were actually based on another species; I think they just liked the name better) people tend to think that raptors were a lot bigger than they actually were. A velociraptor was actually about one foot tall. They are very closely related to birds. I mean, all dinosaurs are. But the “raptor” name is pretty telling that it’s related to birds of prey. And historical velociraptors DEFINITELY had feathers, as many dinosaur species did. 

When they make a sequel where the pastor turns into a feathered dinosaur about the size of a vulture that can’t fly, THEN I will watch. Otherwise I find it too unrealistic.

[grudlian. 4725]

19 minutes ago, Elektra Boogaloo said:

Very happy with the sauna burrito discussion. 

I didn’t watch this film and I am going to say it is due to scientific accuracy. Because of “Jurassic Park”s raptors (which were actually based on another species; I think they just liked the name better) people tend to think that raptors were a lot bigger than they actually were. A velociraptor was actually about one foot tall. They are very closely related to birds. I mean, all dinosaurs are. But the “raptor” name is pretty telling that it’s related to birds of prey. And historical velociraptors DEFINITELY had feathers, as many dinosaur species did. 

When they make a sequel where the pastor turns into a feathered dinosaur about the size of a vulture that can’t fly, THEN I will watch. Otherwise I find it too unrealistic.

I think calling the movie Utahpastor would have been confusing.

[Omaxem 232]

Meet the Raptors

Btw, I love that there are still people who think that feathers make dinosaurs less scary. As if a species of 6 ft tall seagulls wouldn't make us extinct in a matter of weeks. 

[AlmostAGhost 2718]

4 hours ago, Elektra Boogaloo said:

A velociraptor was actually about one foot tall.

Yea, but a velocipastor is much bigger. This isn't about velociraptors.

[PokemonCreationist 10]

I want to point out a simple thing:

Budget was $35k and that Dino costume was definitely NOT more than a few grand of the budget. Here are a couple of mascot costumes for about a grand that look way less shitty than that half T-Rex/half Quasimodo (quartermodo?) costume.

So, I don't know where Paul pulled that number from besides his ass. Maybe he's lost touch with us working stiffs bc he just buys sauna beds now. 

 

 

[Cameron H. 23786]

I have not had the chance to either watch the movie or listen to the episode. I just wanted to say to all the parents out there doing the Distance Learning thing...

[Johny5ol 15]

[SideofMcG 225]

I've only watched about half of the movie but here's a few things I want to address...

"Feed a fever, starve a cold."

That's the wrong way around. It's "feed a cold, starve a fever." 

Now was this lazy writing or did Nam-Vet Priest deliberately get it the wrong way around because he somehow intuited that Fr. Doug was now part dinosaur? Because dinosaurs were cold blooded and their metabolism works in almost the opposite way to ours. So by switching around the adage was Nam-Vet Priest letting slip that he knew Fr. Doug is part reptile or was it caused by the PTSD he no doubt suffered after his special lady was liquidised all over his face in Nam?

"Dinosaurs never existed and even if they did I don't transform into one!"

Besides being an amazing line of dialogue this kinda implies that Catholics don't believe in dinosaurs which we all know isn't true. A mistranslation in the Bible leads many people to think that Jesus had a problem with Tax Collectors whereas the truth is he had issue with T-Rex Collectors - the big game hunters of their day.

The Confessional

When Fr. Doug kills the pimp in confession those are the roomiest confessionals ever. There's a standing lamp behind the pimp! I'm only used to the confessionals I know from Ireland and maybe everything is bigger in America but standing lamps seems a bit excessive even for you guys.

 

Other quick things:

 in Nam did many US soldiers wear jeans and carry shotguns?

The drinking from chalices was great.

If Nam-Vet Priest tried his hand at the clergy AGAIN after coming home then it meant he was already in a seminary (or Priest College as it's properly called), left, met a girl, went to thoroughly convincing Vietnam and then after his sweetheart phase changed all over him decided to go back home and give being a priest another go. 

Finally the priest outfits are the shoddiest pieces of shit ever. Look at that collar - it's like someone stitched it while wearing the Dinosaur costume!

[i'll hold the mike 165]

We have a new champion for cheapest movie! This, Sleepaway Camp ($350,000) and Chopping Mall ($800,000) are the only HDTGM movies so far under the $1 million mark. I really did not think that there would have been an episode on a movie under $100K, but there we are.

[grudlian. 4725]

1 hour ago, SideofMcG said:

I've only watched about half of the movie but here's a few things I want to address...

"Feed a fever, starve a cold."

That's the wrong way around. It's "feed a cold, starve a fever." 

Regardless of the order, it's not valid medical advice. I'm not a doctor, but everything I've ever read says that this is outdated from when people didn't understand viruses at all. You should feed both.

[SideofMcG 225]

38 minutes ago, grudlian. said:

Regardless of the order, it's not valid medical advice. I'm not a doctor, but everything I've ever read says that this is outdated from when people didn't understand viruses at all. You should feed both.

Fuck those fevers. Starve 'em. Starve 'em all.

 

Or at least that's what my grandmother always said.

[Elektra Boogaloo 3371]

11 hours ago, Omaxem said:

Meet the Raptors

Btw, I love that there are still people who think that feathers make dinosaurs less scary. As if a species of 6 ft tall seagulls wouldn't make us extinct in a matter of weeks. 

Feathers make them more scary. Birds are mean. My sister got attacked by a swan and they don’t have teeth. 

Plus I know from comic characters like Archangel and Falcon that feathers can be used like projectile knives. That’s just science. 

[RyanSz 3140]

6 hours ago, Johny5ol said:

I might also add that I think there's a little bit of Jonas from 2:22 in how Velocipastor looks.

Overall I think this movie was the right amount of winking, especially in comparison to things that tried to force it like Birdemic 2, The Neighbors, or any Sharknado after the second one. I'd put this more in the vein of Black Dynamite where it plays into the tropes of so-bad-they're-good movies as that had done with Blacksploitation. Hearing that the sequel will have a couple million dollar budget has me concerned it will follow the same path as Birdemic 2 where it tried catching lightning twice, but leaned so hard into the hokiness that made people enjoy the first that it toppled over.

As for the discussion of sauna beds, all I can say is be careful in using them and having someone there to check on you in case you fall asleep in one, because you will not like what you look like once you get out after you've been wrapped in one for a couple hours:

[GrahamS. 803]

10 hours ago, Cameron H. said:

I have not had the chance to either watch the movie or listen to the episode. I just wanted to say to all the parents out there doing the Distance Learning thing...

I’m a special ed instructional assistant and I give support to everyone in this fucked-up situation. Trying to figure out online learning in front of a computer for 7 hours a day FUCKING SUCKS. Everyone I  know is doing their best while simultaneously stressing the fuck out. It took me the better part of a week to figure out a problem that I could have figured out in 5 minutes if I wasn’t dealing with it online. Dealing with the minutiae of Microsoft Teams/Excel/Schoology/SeeSaw is NOT why I chose this career.

sorry for venting.  Happy school year! Good luck to everyone!

[ErinRene 50]

I have to say, I went into this movie thinking it was really a horror film, and I hate scary movies but I was ready to take one for the team because I love this podcast. It was the 2:25 mark I realized I was going to be just fine. 

What I’m dying to know is - when did Carol learn the karate?!?! We saw the workout montage, which was mixed with Dino maulings and crotch shots (which I didn’t hate). Nowhere in there is she learning juditzu. So when the lazy karate guys attacked them in Carol’s dorm room, she just reveals herself to be an awesome fighter. 

If this is the case, why didn’t she just fight off rapist #1 in the park in the first place? Maybe if he hadn’t been so provoked, the nice pastor could have lived his whole life with the Dino inside. Poor Doug. 
 

I also want to point out that at the end Carol says there is a billion dollar bounty on his head? FROM WHERE AND HOW? I agree this movie is a mix of intentional and accidental bad, which made it so confusing. At the end he isn’t even a pastor anymore so the whole title is negated. Which bumbed me out because it was the best part. 
 

I am now considering researching ovarian cysts on tik tok though, so this was a few hours we’ll spent. Thanks guys!

[RyanSz 3140]

7 hours ago, ErinZaborac said:

I have to say, I went into this movie thinking it was really a horror film, and I hate scary movies but I was ready to take one for the team because I love this podcast. It was the 2:25 mark I realized I was going to be just fine. 

What I’m dying to know is - when did Carol learn the karate?!?! We saw the workout montage, which was mixed with Dino maulings and crotch shots (which I didn’t hate). Nowhere in there is she learning juditzu. So when the lazy karate guys attacked them in Carol’s dorm room, she just reveals herself to be an awesome fighter. 

If this is the case, why didn’t she just fight off rapist #1 in the park in the first place? Maybe if he hadn’t been so provoked, the nice pastor could have lived his whole life with the Dino inside. Poor Doug. 
 

I also want to point out that at the end Carol says there is a billion dollar bounty on his head? FROM WHERE AND HOW? I agree this movie is a mix of intentional and accidental bad, which made it so confusing. At the end he isn’t even a pastor anymore so the whole title is negated. Which bumbed me out because it was the best part. 
 

I am now considering researching ovarian cysts on tik tok though, so this was a few hours we’ll spent. Thanks guys!

I think if you're working under the Frankie Mermaid on the rough streets of Rando-town, USA, I think you'd have learned some type of self defense.

Also every time I hear more about what Tik Tok is, the less I know what it could possibly be.

[Catfish 72]

I want to make fun of The VelociPastor, but I’m frozen, like Papa Doc trying to battle B-Rabbit at the end of 8 Mile.  This movie preemptively acknowledges all of its own stupid shit, so there is nothing left to find fault with.  I can see why Paul, June and Jason spent so much time hilariously discussing sauna burritos, 10-Step programs, and Tik-Tok MD.

[GiveMeYourBaby 102]

I did not enjoy watching this movie. If you are going to wink then wink hard. There were long stretches of this movie where things were played fairly straight and boring. How can a 70 minute movie seem too long?

The only parts I enjoyed were the bits with Frankie Mermaids. This might be due to seeing the raptor/ninja fight a couple years ago on youtube so its intentional shittiness wasn't novel anymore. 

If you want to do another satirical, low budget film then I would recommend Cannibal the Musical. The South Park guys made it while they were still in film school. It's much weirder and funnier movie. It might actually be too good for a HDTGM. 

[TheeCupcakeKid 25]

I know this is not the category, but I feel like I have a Questions and Omissions. Okay. I am going to admit what could be a big problem, and I will get shamed for this, but I think I will still hold my head high. I did not watch this movie. There are a lot of the movies I have not watched, MANY, and it has not been a problem so far. I am in the backlog, and am sadly going to catchup not too far from now. So, for this little movie, that I have no words for, except questions are these:  Question - What was the plot of this movie? Is there a dinosaur? Does he turn into a dinosaur? Is it a werewolf situation? Also, how did he become someone that can, I assume, turn into a dinosaur? Is it like The Hulk when he is angry? Omission - The plot of the movie being discussed. I listened to the podcast twice thinking that somehow I missed something, similar to how they will the movie, and nope. Here is what I know, or what I THINK I know. There is this man who is attending seminary to be a priest. Maybe at some point China is involved? He likes to eat people, I hope just bad guys. I am sure there is a girl involved because I thought there was a very after sex conversation that had me holding my mouth open in horror and hand just about covering and not blinking. Honestly because I was horrified, but if sounded like she was describing the way I feel like the true mommy porn sex scenes should go in those times when you actually have never had it before, or you are married. Not sure how it ends. A girl explodes? If anyone can give me an idea of what it is about, it can even be a quick bulleted list. I just think, I cannot force my eyeballs to watch this nightmare horror show.

Here is also what I do know. I am very afraid that June is going to get electrocuted, and that I can never unhear that and will always worry. June, I love the doctor Danielle Jones aka - Mama Doctor Jones on Tik Tok who is the ob-gyn. I also love the respect Paul and June have for each other and how she thanked him for handling the money, without being sarcastic. You can tell that they are in love and respect each other in every episode. Jason, My Love, I think that they do not have to go to Career Days and try to recruit nuns and priests. I believe you feel the calling and seek out more information. I do not know how all yall can say VelociPastor so normally and not laugh every time. Did anyone else see the image of the guy from Preacher the whole time, the really colorful one? I want to start that one soon. Jason, always stay you, always nice to your friends, ready to give a laugh and support those who are also on the show. And Honest. 

Thanks for in assistance in advance!

[samoan 1]

I am surprised this hasn't been mentioned yet. But the visit to China was both real and a reoccurring dream. Right after he wakes up from his nightmare Father Stewart mentions that the dream must be from his travels and picks up the dinosaur tooth, and says it must be related to cutting his hand on the "artifact" and asks about what the woman said to him. The real question is how did he get to China? He says the line China is East like he had traveled east in his car (in the opening montage) and then walked there in his backpack. If he took a plane he would have known that it was east with the inflight GPS screen.

The situation is defiantly a combination of Hulk and Werewolf type of transformations, he seems to transform either with  Anger like he partially did when he killed the Pimp, or at times when the Dinosaur wants to eat or when there seems to be a crime in progress that he wishes to stop but has no memory of when he transformed, as waking up in the prostitute house showed. 

Why is his brother know as Sam the white Ninja speaks English but perfect understands what the main villain is saying? Why can't he speak it? Also, how does Father Stewart also understand the villian yet doesn't speak it or seem to have any reason to understand it. Did Sam join the ninja clan because his parents didn't love him as much as Doug, seems like a weird reason to join an evil ninja clan? I also thought it was pretty hilarious Doug for some reason hides he is reading Crime 2 (which makes me wonder if there is a crime 1 book and what is wrong with reading a book about crime as a priest) he hides it by putting a book behind it, which makes it more suspicious. 

Lastly, if he is a priest why is called Velocipaster since both are clergies of Christianity but are not the same thing? They could have easily just made him a Pastor. or called it Velocipriest. 

Keep up the great show Paul, June, and Jason, you guys provide much-needed laughs during this difficult time. 

[GrahamS. 803]

On 9/11/2020 at 5:39 AM, Elektra Boogaloo said:

Very happy with the sauna burrito discussion. 

I didn’t watch this film and I am going to say it is due to scientific accuracy. Because of “Jurassic Park”s raptors (which were actually based on another species; I think they just liked the name better) people tend to think that raptors were a lot bigger than they actually were. A velociraptor was actually about one foot tall. They are very closely related to birds. I mean, all dinosaurs are. But the “raptor” name is pretty telling that it’s related to birds of prey. And historical velociraptors DEFINITELY had feathers, as many dinosaur species did. 

When they make a sequel where the pastor turns into a feathered dinosaur about the size of a vulture that can’t fly, THEN I will watch. Otherwise I find it too unrealistic.

I’m glad you drew a line in the sand as to the realism of this movie! I will stand with you so I don’t have to watch it and I will plagiarize your reason so I don’t have to come up with my own (can you plagiarize a reason? Maybe that’s a topic for another time).

i think this episode had some of my favorite tangents of the year. Can we get more hour + long episodes of barely related tangents? As I look out of my windows—in Seattle—at a wall of smoke that is trapping me inside, I need more amusing tangents to distract me from the flaming shitstorm that is 2020.

(probably lame) Jokes aside, I hope people on the west coast (and everywhere,really) are staying safe and I am truly sorry if you are caught up in this environmental nightmare.

[The_Triple_Lindy 2482]

Shout out your favorite plagiarized lines from Velocipastor! My top two were:

1. "War is hell, and hell never changes" -- pretty much straight ripped off from every game in the Fallout franchise. 

2. "I want you to have 11 kids and spend 15 minutes with each of them" -- very reminiscent of something Danny Kaye says to Bing Crosby at the start of White Christmas.

Is that reaching? Maybe ... what else is there to say about a movie that's so in on its own joke, every thing we might point out could be shrugged off as touch-in-cheek.

I guess I mainly think that the schvitz duvet thing sounds cool. I love a good sweat. But also Catholics don't wear their rosaries as necklaces, the cross with flame logo that's on the outside of the church is actually a Methodist symbol, and blah blah blah.

[Robert Denby 103]

You can understand the low budget, what with the clever recycling of props.

And I'm pretty sure they used orange soda for blood in the final fight scene.

[Robert Denby 103]

From this day forward, this is my favorite movie scene ever.

[Cam Bert 8145]

As expected I was not a fan of this movie. I very much agree with Paul that this movie has comedy chops but it just keeps getting in the way of itself. Rather it walks this fine line of being a wacky comedy and being a B-movie pastiche. Let's start with the first real joke, the car exploding. The gag of putting "VFX: Car on fire" or whatever it was is a fine joke. It's a little inside to film making process when shots like that exist in not yet completed films. Yet, in a real B movie would that shot exist? No it would be a terrible effect or some stock footage. Imagine that scene but say they cut to clearly some stock footage of a car in an open area that's clearly not that location exploding. Still funny but yet actually in keeping with B-movie style and behavior. Both are fine jokes yet one is an homage and the other just a joke. To me it's more like he wanted to make this silly movie but could only get a little money to make it so he decided "if I deliberately make it bad then I can get away with doing things on the cheap." This was a comedy first that they slapped B-movie onto to cover up possible short comings. That's the problem. B-Movie is not a genre. To take tropes from all these things and try and put them together muddies the waters.

To support this point look at the movie Manborg. Manborg was a super low budget (a few thousand) Canadian movie from the early 2010s. That movie was trying to be a send up of 1980s sci-fi post apocalypse movies. Story-wise the movie is pitch perfect to those types of movies. Yet there are jokes within it but the story and how it plays out is on point for an 80s bad movie. It is clear what it is mimicking. There are good in jokes like a character being Australian a nod to the ozplotation films of the 80s that show it is aware of its roots and what it was doing. Visually the film doesn't capture the full look and feel of the 80s because they use lots of green screen. Yet the cheap costumes and the filters they use add to a retro film. It's a goofy movie that cost nothing to make and was made out of love of films of that genre. Now Velicopastor is suppose to be doing a similar thing yet it just leaves you with more questions. The hosts note they aren't sure when this film is suppose to take place. They note the Vietnam war but there are no visual clues that this is a lost or dated film. The cars are modern, the dress is modern, none of this evokes a specific time or type of "B-movie." They read claims from the director that the film was baked in an over and dragged around in a car. Did anybody notice any grain or film like quality to the movie? No it looked digital for for that budget was most likely digital. There is nothing in this film other than stilted acting and dialogue that indicates it is suppose to be a "bad movie." Both Manborg and Velicopastor are super low budget movies that are comedies. The main difference one is a B movie parody first and comedy second while one is a comedy first and a b movie second. Of course this is all subjective to the viewer and your mileage may vary. Personally I feel if you want to be a funny parody like Airplane!, Young Frankenstein, or Black Dynamite you must be what you are parodying first, and not like Superhero Movie or Meet the Spartans where the framework of what you're parodying is a set up for jokes within the movie and really has nothing to do with the movie.

Paranormal Activity, Eraserhead, Primer, and El Mariachi budget's combined equaled that of Velocipastor with enough left over to make something like Manborg. Having no money is no excuse to make something purposefully bad.