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Elektra Boogaloo

Episode 248 Velocipastor

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Sorry I just need to rant a bit more about this movie mostly the writer/director. Let's look at two claims he made that were read out in the episode.  First the claim that he baked the film and scuffed it up with dirt and grit to add texture and lines to it. For me this story rang some bells. I was a huge Peter Jackson fan loving Bad Taste and Dead Alive from my early teens. Between those movies he made a smaller non-b movie called Forgotten Silver about a made up turn of the century New Zealand film maker. Do you want to take a guess how Jackson created authentic looking lost footage? Hint it involves ovens and dirt. His methods were so good they fooled people. Did anybody notice any grain or artifact like quality to Velocipastor? No it looked digital for for that budget was most likely digital. So if he did what Peter Jackson famously did and fooled people with, how did we not notice it?

The second thing I want to talk about is his story about how he came up with the idea. He said his phone auto-corrected velociraptor to velicopaster and that gave him the idea. I want you to pick up your phone right now and type in the word "velociraptor." Did your phone autocorrect that word? Try misspelling it. What most likely will happen is it will correct it to velociraptor or just underline it in red. What it will not do is autocorrect it to velocipastor. Why is that? Autocorrect doesn't make up words. Why would it correct it to something that doesn't exist. Now, maybe he wanted to write velociraptor and misspelled it. Yet that's not an as funny story. It's a better story if the phone did it and it inspired me than me just making a mistake and thinking it was funny.

I'm not saying the filmmaker is a bad guy just the two story they read from him have a distinct aura of BS about them to me. It makes me highly doubt the claims the money came from his mom's friend. More likely like Kevin Smith or other first time film makers he just maxed out his credit cards. Yet that's not funny or quirky as he seems to wants this whole thing to be.

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3 hours ago, Cam Bert said:

Between those movies he made a smaller non-b movie called Forgotten Silver about a madeÔĽŅÔĽŅ ÔĽŅuÔĽŅp turn of the century New Zealand film maker.

I love that little movie. Saw it on DVD from my video store (back when those existed‚ÄĒsob). It was actually made for a TV show that often showed real documentaries, but Jackson‚Äôs film was a subtle, absurdist spoof that was totally different from his usual stuff.¬†¬†If I remember the details for the DVD extras correctly, New Zealanders were pissed because they felt duped. it was sort of a War¬†of the Worlds radio show-type scandal.

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3 hours ago, Cam Bert said:

Sorry I just need to rant a bit more about this movie mostly the writer/director. Let's look at two claims he made that were read out in the episode.  First the claim that he baked the film and scuffed it up with dirt and grit to add texture and lines to it. For me this story rang some bells. I was a huge Peter Jackson fan loving Bad Taste and Dead Alive from my early teens. Between those movies he made a smaller non-b movie called Forgotten Silver about a made up turn of the century New Zealand film maker. Do you want to take a guess how Jackson created authentic looking lost footage? Hint it involves ovens and dirt. His methods were so good they fooled people. Did anybody notice any grain or artifact like quality to Velocipastor? No it looked digital for for that budget was most likely digital. So if he did what Peter Jackson famously did and fooled people with, how did we not notice it?

The second thing I want to talk about is his story about how he came up with the idea. He said his phone auto-corrected velociraptor to velicopaster and that gave him the idea. I want you to pick up your phone right now and type in the word "velociraptor." Did your phone autocorrect that word? Try misspelling it. What most likely will happen is it will correct it to velociraptor or just underline it in red. What it will not do is autocorrect it to velocipastor. Why is that? Autocorrect doesn't make up words. Why would it correct it to something that doesn't exist. Now, maybe he wanted to write velociraptor and misspelled it. Yet that's not an as funny story. It's a better story if the phone did it and it inspired me than me just making a mistake and thinking it was funny.

I'm not saying the filmmaker is a bad guy just the two story they read from him have a distinct aura of BS about them to me. It makes me highly doubt the claims the money came from his mom's friend. More likely like Kevin Smith or other first time film makers he just maxed out his credit cards. Yet that's not funny or quirky as he seems to wants this whole thing to be.

Im going to benefit of the doubt the auto correct - I bet it didn‚Äôt make it one word but ‚Äúvelocity pastor‚Ä̬†or something. My phone has done some messed up stuff like that where you look at the sentence and wonder how fat your fingers truly are.¬†

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Sequel idea; Philoso-Raptor vs Veloci-Pastor. Logic vs faith. Whoever wins...we win, cause dinosaurs!

Also no excuse for a crummy velociraptor costume, youtube prank videos have been doing them for years (the "cheat" to making even a cheap dino costume look better is the tail, its just about getting the tail waving in the air). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmxQSwwTRqU&t=36s&ab_channel=ramenturtle

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I also hated this movie. And part of what I hate is the laziness of the research and writing. Some of the jokes were moderately clever, but not enough to redeem it. 

Someone acknowledged this already, but the Velocipastor appears to be a Catholic Priest and so the idea that he doesn't believe in dinosaurs is nonsense. While I'm not really Catholic anymore, I was raised Catholic and my parents allowed me to read books and go to museums about dinosaurs. I saw Jurassic Park 7 TIMES in the theater. They both believed in evolution and dinosaurs, as did all my teachers and priests (one of whom was kind of a dick and may have been eating people as a velociraptor in his spare time). 

Another ridiculous thing was the exorcism scene. First off, if these priests were so devout (or really if they were anyone who sat through the Exorcist) they would know that to have an exorcism, you need the approval of the local Archbishop and it has to be done by a priest according to the highly ritualized Rituale Romanun. The Church is certainly not going to bring in some Criss Angel looking douche bag to perform an exorcism for them. 

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12 hours ago, Cam Bert said:

As expected I was not a fan of this movie. I very much agree with Paul that this movie has comedy chops but it just keeps getting in the way of itself. Rather it walks this fine line of being a wacky comedy and being a B-movie pastiche. Let's start with the first real joke, the car exploding. The gag of putting "VFX: Car on fire" or whatever it was is a fine joke. It's a little inside to film making process when shots like that exist in not yet completed films. Yet, in a real B movie would that shot exist? No it would be a terrible effect or some stock footage. Imagine that scene but say they cut to clearly some stock footage of a car in an open area that's clearly not that location exploding. Still funny but yet actually in keeping with B-movie style and behavior. Both are fine jokes yet one is an homage and the other just a joke. To me it's more like he wanted to make this silly movie but could only get a little money to make it so he decided "if I deliberately make it bad then I can get away with doing things on the cheap." This was a comedy first that they slapped B-movie onto to cover up possible short comings. That's the problem. B-Movie is not a genre. To take tropes from all these things and try and put them together muddies the waters.

My understanding is this movie was based on a fake trailer the director did (similar to the fake trailers in Grind House). I think that probably is perfect for this premise. Five minutes or less because it's really just the portmanteau to skate by on. 

The director has done a couple other movies I've never heard of, then this. So, I kind of wonder if he either has no other ideas or if the velocipastor trailer got his biggest reaction and this was his best shot at making a name for himself.

12 hours ago, Cam Bert said:

.They read claims from the director that the film was baked in an over and dragged around in a car. Did anybody notice any grain or film like quality to the movie? No it looked digital for for that budget was most likely digital.

I wondered about this as well. I watched this on my phone while working. So, I figured maybe I missed the scratches on the film but I didn't notice any.

Robert Rodriguez claims he purposefully scratched the film for Planet Terror from Grind House. Velocipastor's first movie was a fake trailer that he expanded to a full length movie and claims he destroyed the film. So, I think this guy is just a huge fan of Grind House or Robert Rodriguez.

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The thing I CANNOT get out of my mind since listening to this episode is...I would literally pay $100 to the charity of Paul and June's choice if, next episode, it was revealed that while Jason is still not on Twitter, but is in fact, now on TikTok. How do I start this "get Jason on TikTok campaign for charity" campaign?

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On 9/12/2020 at 2:16 PM, GiveMeYourBaby said:

If you want to do another satirical, low budget film then I would recommend Cannibal the Musical. The South Park guys made it while they were still in film school. It's much weirder and funnier movie. It might actually be too good for a HDTGM. 

YES! My recollection is also that Cannibal actually pulls off the cheap, schlocky horror/comedy combo that Velocipastor falters on by half-parodying and half-emulating.   

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On 9/13/2020 at 11:32 AM, Cam Bert said:

To support this point look at the movie Manborg. 

I enjoyed all of this post but this in particular caught my fancy. Thank you.

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On 9/13/2020 at 11:52 AM, Cam Bert said:

Sorry I just need to rant a bit more about this movie mostly the writer/director. Let's look at two claims he made that were read out in the episode.  First the claim that he baked the film and scuffed it up with dirt and grit to add texture and lines to it. For me this story rang some bells. I was a huge Peter Jackson fan loving Bad Taste and Dead Alive from my early teens. Between those movies he made a smaller non-b movie called Forgotten Silver about a made up turn of the century New Zealand film maker. Do you want to take a guess how Jackson created authentic looking lost footage? Hint it involves ovens and dirt. His methods were so good they fooled people. Did anybody notice any grain or artifact like quality to Velocipastor? No it looked digital for for that budget was most likely digital. So if he did what Peter Jackson famously did and fooled people with, how did we not notice it?

I don't know how common it was but it certainly has been a thing in the past for directors to "distress" or otherwise interfere with unexposed film in order to "bake in" a special effect. I remember the commentary track for Pitch Black talked about taking a gamble on some kind of chemical bath that didn't work out the way they hoped.

It would all be done in AfterEffects now, of course, at very little cost compared to working with film. That's what makes the opening joke about VFX coming extra funny to me - anyone with a Creative Cloud subscription, ie. every living filmmaker, should be able to create that effect with stock materials and filters. Not a movie quality result but no worse than the rest of this turd of a film.

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8 hours ago, Alwyn said:

The thing I CANNOT get out of my mind since listening to this episode is...I would literally pay $100 to the charity of Paul and June's choice if, next episode, it was revealed that while Jason is still not on Twitter, but is in fact, now on TikTok. How do I start this "get Jason on TikTok campaign for charity" campaign?

I admire the idea of this post but I recently listened to an old episode of Raised by TV where Jason was a guest. On it, he gave very in-depth reasons for his dislike of ALL social media (he basically views it as a profound waste of time and has never embraced any iteration of it). Good luck trying to get him to start a TikTok account! I agree it would be fun to see, but I think it would take far more than $100, unfortunately. 

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Okay, I haven't listened yet, but I was about half way through this "movie" yesterday and today it's not free on Prime!  They want United States Dollars to rent this!  No thank you.

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On 9/14/2020 at 12:51 PM, grudlian. said:

I wondered about this as well. I watched this on my phone while working. So, I figured maybe I missed the scratches on the film but I didn't notice any.

Robert Rodriguez claims he purposefully scratched the film for Planet Terror from Grind House. Velocipastor's first movie was a fake trailer that he expanded to a full length movie and claims he destroyed the film. So, I think this guy is just a huge fan of Grind House or Robert Rodriguez.

 

17 hours ago, theworstbuddhist said:

I don't know how common it was but it certainly has been a thing in the past for directors to "distress" or otherwise interfere with unexposed film in order to "bake in" a special effect. I remember the commentary track for Pitch Black talked about taking a gamble on some kind of chemical bath that didn't work out the way they hoped.

Yes, I know Peter Jackson wasn't the only one to do it, I was more trying to point out he said he copied the same methods which resulted in Peter Jackson's case a film that looked like it was from the early 20th century and his looked very digital.

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Some observations:

 

All the signs in this evil Christian ninja secret base are written in Chinese. And they really put some efforts to it. I really appreciate that they didn’t just google translate what they tried to convey into Chinese, but instead actually getting someone who was familiar with the language to write them down in (relatively) fluent and coherent sentences. And the signs are actually pretty funny.  

Here are all the signs I can find:

 

1.      Morning practice (at) 7 o’clock every day

         1: Day-off (on) Friday

         2: (You can) choose (the type of) pants (you want to wear)

         3: Please stay away from drugs (not sure if they mean the cocaine they’re trafficking or just drugs in general)

         (The sign can first be seen right after the scene of the ninja clan leader and Sam the right-hand man/ brother of Doug laughing maniacally; it always has a ninja standing   right next to it)   

2.      Notice: Today’s (scuba) diving lesson (is) cancelled (You can see the sign during the fight sequence between Carol and ninjas)

3.      Caution: Entry Forbidden; Danger (The sign next to the clan leader right after he shoots an anti-raptor arrow at Doug)

 

The writing on Sam‚Äôs bandana says: ‚ÄúBrothers‚ÄĚ in Chinese

 

The writing on the map which the clan leader shows to Father Stewart says ‚ÄúNew World Map‚ÄĚ in Chinese

 

The woman who give Doug the raptor tooth speaks in Mandarin Chinese, while the clan leader speaks in Cantonese, while wearing (relatively) traditional Chinese dress.

 

Choi-min, the ninja who’s reminiscing about his girlfriend, is clearly Korean. He narrates his thought in Korean; both he and his girlfriend have Korean names, and Gwangju, where he met his girlfriend, is a major city in Korea.

 

So, any reference to Japan, the birthplace of ninja, in the movie? The answer: zero. Can’t find anything written in Japanese or any character speaking Japanese.     

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On 9/14/2020 at 7:18 PM, theworstbuddhist said:

I don't know how common it was but it certainly has been a thing in the past for directors to "distress" or otherwise interfere with unexposed film in order to "bake in" a special effect. I remember the commentary track for Pitch Black talked about taking a gamble on some kind of chemical bath that didn't work out the way they hoped.

It would all be done in AfterEffects now, of course, at very little cost compared to working with film. That's what makes the opening joke about VFX coming extra funny to me - anyone with a Creative Cloud subscription, ie. every living filmmaker, should be able to create that effect with stock materials and filters. Not a movie quality result but no worse than the rest of this turd of a film.

David Russell did some experimental bleach effect on the stock he shot Three Kings on. I remember watching Three KIngs on VHS back in the day and there was a warning at the start - the gist of it was basically - "The colours are supposed to look like this, do not adjust your set fuckos."

 

But it was tough for them to get a lab that could develop the stock the correct way as far as I remember and it caused a lot of hassle during production as far as I remember.

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On 9/12/2020 at 12:11 PM, Catfish said:

I want to make fun of The VelociPastor, but I’m frozen, like Papa Doc trying to battle B-Rabbit at the end of 8 Mile.  This movie preemptively acknowledges all of its own stupid shit, so there is nothing left to find fault with.  I can see why Paul, June and Jason spent so much time hilariously discussing sauna burritos, 10-Step programs, and Tik-Tok MD.

 

4fd1il.jpg

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On 9/11/2020 at 8:51 PM, RyanSz said:

I might also add that I think there's a little bit of Jonas from 2:22 in how Velocipastor looks.

Overall I think this movie was the right amount of winking, especially in comparison to things that tried to force it like Birdemic 2, The Neighbors, or any Sharknado after the second one. I'd put this more in the vein of Black Dynamite where it plays into the tropes of so-bad-they're-good movies as that had done with Blacksploitation. Hearing that the sequel will have a couple million dollar budget has me concerned it will follow the same path as Birdemic 2 where it tried catching lightning twice, but leaned so hard into the hokiness that made people enjoy the first that it toppled over.

As for the discussion of sauna beds, all I can say is be careful in using them and having someone there to check on you in case you fall asleep in one, because you will not like what you look like once you get out after you've been wrapped in one for a couple hours:

  Reveal hidden contents

total-recall-1990-kuato-open-your-mind-m

 

This was my exact thought! I kept saying, "He looks like a poor man's Michael C. Hall!

 

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