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Houston

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Posts posted by Houston

  4. Posted

    Hey guys,

     

    Life update: Finally got a job at ISIS! Flying out to Syria tomorrow! Death to the infidels!!!!! Haha they have such a good marketing strategy. I can't wait to join their PR team. Their recruiter was kind of a dick, called me a great satan or whatever. Rude! I'm a christian, I don't worship satan... But they're offering a 5% match of 401k contributions and 3 weeks paid time off, so I couldn't say no..

     

    PS -at least I'm not working for those fucking terrorists at Google.

     

    I can't say we are happy with you choice, but I really appreciate what we feel was a fair shot. I understand the excitement of start-ups can be attractive to young guys like yourself. Looking forward to the big chance to 'go public' and 'cash out your stock' to get your reward in heaven and all, but we were hoping our offer of working from home would be more attractive. Uprooting and dodging border security can be real stressful. If you'd like to reconsider, our offer still stands.

     

    Best,

     

    Phil

    Phineas Priesthood Recruiting Officer

    • Like 4

  5. Posted

    Dear diary,

     

    you like it when i write all over your dirty little pages. do ya? yeah,,,, take that, take that graphite all over your dirty little fucking pages not so white now are we, oh look, who's this, it's mr. pencil's friend Penn, coming to give you the double team, yeah, crossing streams, all up and down your nasty little grains, take that, take it all over yeah no eraser tonight baby we're going all over, pressing in deep so it leaves creases you nasty little piece of processed tree til your so covered in graphite and ink you dont even know who you are anymore yeah

     

    -J. A. P.

     

    Dear Pepper,

     

    I'm not comfortable with the abbreviation of your name as it is also a slur.

     

    0_o

     

    Diary

     

    P.S. Your calligraphy is chickenshit.

    • Like 6

  6. Posted

    Dear Diary,

     

    What's it like being a diary? Being a human is OK, I guess. Do you like it when people write in you? I don't think I would like that very much. Should I stop? Are you mad at me?

    Please write back.

     

    Your friend,

    Danny

     

    P.S. Have you talked to Valerie's diary recently? Any news on the whole v-card thing?

     

    Dear Danny,

     

    Yes it hurts, but in a good way. When you write in me it's like acupuncture. When you close me up it's like autoerotic asphyxiation. I really like it when you tie me closed, but I suppose I am just a naughty little diary.

     

    xoxoxoxxx,

     

    Diary

     

    P.S. Your calligraphy writing is SUPER hot.

    • Like 12

  17. Posted

    Citizens.

     

    You know that there are some amongst us who have struggled and toiled in forum mediocrity to ascent to the seats beside the kings, yet they still walk amongst us. Others have used telephonic devices to broadcast their voices across the vast abyss to speak to the kings. Do they look down upon those who have not? No. They make jokes still. What have they struggled for? What have they crafted their 'like' ratio for? Have they fallen down stairs for shirts?

     

    Shirts.

     

    T-shirts.

     

    With some H's on them.

     

    Shirts.

     

     

    Is that why we jest? Is that why we show up on the forums with ungodly frequency? No. It is for the laughs and the validation of likes which we struggle. Do not be placated by the appeal for shirts. Any monkey can wear a shirt*, but can a monkey tell jokes or write unhinged fan fiction? Sure, maybe 1000, but not 1! So strive on! Tell jokes. Make things funny or serious or kind, but do it for the love of laughs. Not pandering for t-shirts. Are t-shirts nice? Sure. Would novelty beer glasses be sweet? Absolutely. But is this why we breathe? Do not be fooled fellow handbook heads. So you can listen to the campaign funded by big shirts and be taken in by their slick words or you can roll up your sleeves and make Hazyie Bones and Clemdawg laugh so hard their shirts disintegrate due to the frequency of vibrations from their chests and force them to create new shirts, and possibly beer glasses. Let us be judged by the content of our jokes and not the frequency of our posts or our desires for swag.

     

    *g1bVv2s.jpg?1

    • Like 13

  18. Posted

    • Why did your parents give you the name ______?

     

     

    Sam Houston was an old family friend back in the day when he lived in Tennessee. He eventually moved to Texas, remembered the Alamo, and became the first president of Texas because Texas wanted to be a slave owning state, but northern states did not want another slave owning state to enter the Union until it could be balanced with a slave free state. Thus Texas was an independent country for 9 years, because they wanted to own slaves. Texans are understandably proud that they were an independent country, that last part usually goes unmentioned.

     

    So legend has it that Sam Houston came back to TN and offered various ancestors of mine large tracts of land in Texas. A few went out, but left soon afterward arriving. They, allegedly said, 'Sam, you could give me the whole damn state and I still wouldn't take it over my farm in TN.' Nevertheless his name as been in our family for generations.

    • Like 10

  24. Posted

    The brunch game is pretty legit in Atlanta. Lots of places thought, hmmm I bet these folks got tore up on Saturday and do not really want to wake up early on Sunday. Yet, they are not really put together enough to make a tasty meal at home for a fraction of the cost. In 1938, the first brunch place opened up. It was called 'The South will Rise Again' and was an odd place that made amazing fresh biscuits and other breakfast fare on a menu peppered with racist puns. The great depression turned out to be worse than advertised, but hope was finally returning to the phoenix of the south.

     

    It's called the chicken of the south because that bastard Sherman burnt it to the ground. Ok, Sherman didn't really burn it to the ground... Atlanta residence burned it to the ground to keep him from getting supplies during Sherman's infamous march to the sea. Growing up the war of northern aggression was a topic of great interest. War's tend to be the most interesting phases of early history because they mark the moments when a variety of issues come to a head. States rights, the rights of states to own people, and the legendary feud of Mason and Dixon.

     

    This isn't our Dixon here in the forum mind you. Best I can tell our Dixon is not a time traveller nor is he the oldest man alive. Well, I'm not even sure he's a man at all. Could be a Woman or a sentient pencil. Dixon is a good typer and a funny so if Dixon IS a sentient pencil I can only assume that it's good at hopping on keys with an extra springy eraser or it has pencil arms with adorable pencil fingers. Most likely those sweet ass glitter pencils. Unlike our Dixon, time travel aside, other Dixon was a quiet and reserved sort of fellow. Not one to rock the boat. Not even funny at all. Again, very unlike our Dixon. Mason on the other hand, Mason was a right 'dastardly son of a one eyed near-sighted cyclops whoremonger' as they said at the time. It was an expression used by humorless gits to describe pranksters in that day. So Mason got a bee in his bonnet after Dixon slighted him in some way. Legend suggests that in a fit of rage, Dixon set fire to Mason's house. Not to be outdone, and being a dastardly son of a one eyed near-sighted cyclops whoremonger, Mason used his considerable weaving skills to enact an elaborate hoax. Mason could weave a thread to look like spidersilk. Every night he snuck into Dixon's barn to leave a new message. First they were just matter of fact, "this is a pig", "eat moar chiken", "Dixon is a goatf****er". EB White would later whitewash this story to make it something stupid and nice. The truth is a much darker tale. Dixon, enraged that his goat predilection was broadcast by some hellspider decided to burn down the barn and bronze the farm animals to ensure their devil spirits could never get out. So he did just that, but in his fit of rage he ended up burning down most of the town and bronzed nearly one thousand animals. As word of his unhinged rampage spread throught he town Mason felt guilty that his joke crossed the line so he confessed to the prank. Dixon was enraged. The townsfolk were split on whether Mason was a reckless nearsighted cyclops whoremonger or if Dixon was just a humorless goatf***er." In truth it was a bit of both. Thus brunch in Atlanta was delayed years beyond the rest of the country on account of the burning and such. During the build up to WW2 'The South will Rise' was doing record breaking business and became a southern institution by the end of the Korea War. The civil rights era was a difficult era for brunch goers in Atlanta as opinion over racist puns became decisive. Most of the worst menu items were changed, but the legendary Antebellum Omelette and the Carpetbagger Cobbler remain to this day. A few years back during peak ironic racism there was talk about going back to the original menu names, but after a while it was determined that ironic racism is questionable at best and when your menu was written originally by a focus group of KKK leaders it might not be so ironic after all. Just really racist. Other PC brunch spots have opened up serving poached eggs with some things, but it's mostly just cleverly named food piles that try really hard to avoid causally racist puns. If you get the chance to visit Atlanta look up this place for brunch, the cinnamon waffles are really nice. 4 stars.

    • Like 11
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