Mekhi Phifer

Felt it. Happy Christmas to you, Mr. Bean & the rest.

Dippin' back into the Forum just to say how awesomely delightful it was to hear a couple of the OG's call in and save the day/bring this episode up to the level this show deserves. My little Grinch heart grew 3 sizes hearing the Boys reminisce about their old favorites. (Those shoutouts to Anastasia Vigo & Valerie Bryant!!) Cheers to another year of this great, great show. Sean Clements and Hayes Davenport are the funniest two human beings on this planet as far as I'm aware. Happy Holidays, Handbook-heads!!! Love to you all.

Hi kiddies!!! It's been too long... tipping my cap so hard right now! What's new??

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE CUL-DE-SAC Scoop Troop, get our your pens... and your crime blotters! Due to the universal acclaim surrounding my recent true-crime posts ("THE BIG CRIME PARTS I & II") last week a sequel was greenlit by life itself. That's right: I got robbed! Cinematography nerds will note that unlike the original, the sequel was filmed using multiple newly installed outdoor security cameras, a bold artistic decision made in the post-traumatic paranoid panic following the events of THE BIG CRIME PART I. I'll post a teaser if I can figure out how (**SPOILER** the scene where our stuff gets stolen while I'm standing in the window of our kitchen heating up soup will have the audience cheering!)

More like Max SilYEStri! First page and I think it's safe to say I'm nailing it.

Relieved I'm managing to get this important and sincere comment in under the wire: Sean's BB-8 impression was a tour de force.

THE BIG CRIME PART II: A HERO'S LAMENT Everyone is well familiar with Part I of my saga in which I witnessed two men break into my neighbors garage, then hop the fence into another neighbors' property where - moments later - all the lights cut out. And I know you all imagined, as I did, that those neighbors were obviously about to be murdered in the pitch black darkness of their own home by two electrical-wire cutting fiends... their only shot at survival due to the quick-thinking of a local hero (me) who heroically witnessed both crimes in progress and heroically alerted the police, who were at that moment on their way... Part II details an EVEN MORE SHOCKING turn of events, in which the police are bafflingly unmoved by my expert witness testimony and detailed one-man reenactment and fail to commend me for my bravery or even suggest that they "could really use someone like [me]" on "the force." Far worse was the subsequent investigations which revealed nothing had been stolen from either house and not a single person had even been maimed much less murdered. The cruelest twist was delivered by my ungrateful and lucky-to-be-alive neighbors themselves who revealed their lighting system is hooked up to the worlds most misleading and deceptive timer... installed, no doubt, with the intention to humiliate me in front of my closest friends and future colleagues, "the police." My anticipated (and rightful) new role as "the hero of the cul-de-sac" was then replaced by an almost sadistic display of lavish praise for my dog, Cricket, who was heralded by everyone on the street as the true hero responsible for alerting us to the presence of the trespassers and essentially saving the day. Which is obviously BULLSHIT because we all know it would take nothing more than a single slice of American cheese for Cricket to happily turn a blind-eye to a murder-in-progress!!! It's great to be back, gang.

I know that every single member of this forum has been waiting with bated breath to hear the dramatic second half of my terrifying tale... it's no surprise even the newest members are familiar with its lore. That's right, Shrekronomicon... you may be the modern-day Will Hunting of this forum with your stealthy mathematical wizardry, but much like Robin Williams' reluctant psychologist with a heart of gold Dr. Sean Maguire, I see through your bluster to recognize the little Shrekronomicon inside who knows all too well the pain of promises broken, and stories half-told. It's not your fault. (<--- repeat 10-15 x's til crying HARD)

Remember that time I told exactly one half of a personally-hyped "scary" story, promised I'd be back in 5 minutes and then disappeared from the forums forever?? What a cool, normal thing!! Hi, friends!!!

Sorry for the cliffhanger - apparently the cure for insomnia is witnessing a crime unfold! (Failing to be recognized by the police as the hero you clearly are can also really tucker you out...) Here's the whole saga: Last night around midnight my dog started barking like crazy. I finally got up to look outside and saw the motion lights on in our neighbors backyard. Two guys in hooded sweatshirts were prying open their garage door. A pair of elderly sisters live in this house - yet I stood there for AWHILE thinking, wait... this can't be what it looks like. Maybe they're workers who forgot some tools there earlier, and are now ...sneaking back to get them? Or maybe they're just two thoughtful nephews dropping off a surprise gift for their dear aunts... in their garage... in the dead of the night... dressed all in black- OK shit, these ladies are definitely being robbed. Right as reality finally set in I saw them close up the garage and head across the street to another house, where they hopped a fence into the property. At that point I called 911 and started awkwardly cleaning my house in anticipation of hosting the detectives who'd no doubt soon be sitting in my living room listening intently to my every recollection! This was awkward in the dark, because of course, I'd turned off all my interior lights so I could freely gawk through the front window at this crime unfolding without the scary robbers spotting me. I couldn't see them once they'd gone over the fence, but at one point while I was sweeping everything off the top of my dining table into a clothes hamper, I looked up just in time to see all the lights at this neighbors house suddenly cut out. (Hahahaha I swear to god I did not plan this but I have to go and finish the story later - posting now because this couldn't be a funnier unintended second cliffhanger to randomly end on)

Holy shit! Thanks to my insomnia and hyperaware little dog, about an hour ago I actually witnessed two guys breaking into my next door neighbor's garage and the house across the street. I got to call 911! It was terrifying!!!!!

Sweet Auden - don't you see? You were right both times! It IS a death-inducing mass, and it IS silly! This is also true (isn't life full of wonderful complexities and surprises?). FS has cleverly demonstrated how old fashioned cold hard math cuts straight through the BS of religion (and it's notorious masses!). Also, the AV Club hires staff exclusively out of schools in Massachusetts. So... there's another one.

Take a closer look... is it really so surprising?? podmass !!!! Definition of MASS Orig: from the Latin messa; literally, dismissal at the end of a religious service* [<<<OMG are you guys seeing this, wtf] 1. the liturgy of the Eucharist especially in accordance with the traditional Latin rite [whoa. what the...?!] 2. a celebration of the Eucharist [dude...?!!!! ?!?!?] Are we meant to believe it's coincidence that the ONE man who's been brave enough to speak out against Masses and the subsequent deaths they've been directly responsible for (all the deaths of the world, when you really get down to it), is now having his show ignored and subdued by the ruthless zealots over at Podmass?!? Well... nice try, you murderers. We've cracked the case on this one. *emphasis mine; insightful bracket commentary also mine

I unknowingly posted my own dramatic "ending" to this twisted tale just now in last weeks forum, due to this week's ep thread mysteriously and eerily only showing up now on my newly refreshed Earwolf.com tab... could a NEW mystery be afoot in this forum?!?? No, OK, no... it's over. For now...

Oh is that so?? (With a wink and a trademark tip of the hat, suddenly everything fades to black. The credits for 8 Mile begin to roll. We pan out to reveal the screen of a sleek flat-screen television, elegantly set into one of the mahogany shelves of Henry's study. Mekhi and Henry sit across from one another in matching upholstered armchairs, snifters of brandy in hand. "Here's to you, old friend..." Mekhi says, raising his glass. Before Henry can reply, wacky sitcom music blares into the room... an extreme close-up of Fabio's leading-man face appears on the TV screen. "Now that's what I call... a crumbly accident!!!" he screams with an exaggerated roll of the eyes, as an unseen audience goes wild with laughter. Henry drops his head into his hands. "What has this become??? What IS THIS??" Mekhi watches helplessly as Henry flings his glass into the fireplace in anguished frustration. The laughter builds and builds ever louder, until it is reminiscent more of a warning siren than human sound. Further we pan out, out the window, across the Minnesota tundra, further... until it is revealed that the scene is held within the confines of a single snow globe. A hand gently shakes the globe before setting it back down beside the sound board. Engineer Brett stares into the softly falling snow within the sphere, and smiles.)

(Henry hits "Post" and sits back from his desk with a deep sigh, at last settling his weary body into the familiar embrace of his Eames office chair. Through half-closed eyes he surveys his vast, stately study; there is silence, interrupted only by the occasional crackle from the fireplace and, of course, the ever-present tick-tock of the looming antique grandfather clock just behind him. Yet now, the incessant cursed persistence of Father Time goes unnoticed for perhaps the first time in... well, no matter how long. He has prevailed. Hebry has finally prevailed. With a wry grin, Henry takes one last look at the locket before clasping it shut and closing it into the bottom drawer of his desk. "It is done," he thinks, as he slowly turns to look out the snow-dusted window at... the Minnesota TUNDRA!?!!!!!)

He! AHA! Excuse me while I get out my pen... *laughs maniacally and freak-ily while sinisterly opening a dossier labeled SCOOP TROOP VOL 2: FORUM MEMBER IDENTITIES*

HA, this is *classic* Fab-Sox - am I right, forum?? Our very own android-owning, Minnesota-dwelling, generously-like-giving but-only-this-week, lovable little scamp!

Guys we're losing him!!!!! Jeffrey!!!!! JEFFREEEEEEEY!

My god... don't you see what this is?! What seemed like a celebratory series of posts was in fact a coded communication from Jeffrey who's clearly been adult-kidnapped!!!!! HA, looks like his captors made one critical error: giving him complete unfettered access to the Hollywood Handbook forum. GO ON Jeffrey!!! We're listening, buddy! Mashed people leg what???

C-Kid, you ol' son of a gun! I should've known I couldn't pull one over on you... You presumably spotted that 8-pack of La Croix I slipped out of my parachute pack over St Croix. I extinguished the fireball with a single can of Pamplemousse whilst simultaneously guzzling a Lemon. The crisp, refreshing taste gave me renewed strength to mime-swim through the air to safety (by grasping a seagull's tail and riding it back to it's cave). It's a story you've all heard a hundred times before, but damned if I don't feel like the luckiest Phifer in the world to be back here on the forums trading 'gull stories with all of you.

Is it possible that I'm back, and first?? I'm scared...

Well HOLY FUCKIN SHIT, this forum has been ON FIRE. The only explanation?! My absence. As such, please allow me to humbly bow out again... this time intentionally, in a selfless and heroic act that will echo throughout the boards for all eternity. I BID YOU GOOD DAY. I SAID GOOD DAY.

Hey gang, sorry I've been gone so long... we can all resume the forum now!!!

You're already nailing it!!!!!