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Mekhi Phifer

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Posts posted by Mekhi Phifer

  3. Posted

    Well I'm Houston and it's been clearly established that I have worms for brains and not shit for brains. Please pay attention. I recommend jokes over name calling. We came here for laughs, not yelling. Welcome.

     

    PS. is your mom single?

     

    WOW. Was not expecting that, but here goes... Whether your brain is being deftly operated by a worms or not, Houston, I would be HONORED to call you my step father. My answer is yes! YES! A thousand times, yes!!!!

     

    Is my Mom "single"? Relationship-wise, yes... physically, she does *technically* have a conjoined dead twin. I hope you're not one of those superficial types that lets something like that get in the way of a potential super-intense step-son relationship.

     

     

    P.S. I'm nervous about your predisposition to "not yelling"... Dad, that's just how she and her dead twin sack communicate! You'll get used to it.

    • Like 8

  4. Posted

    OK EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!!!

     

    I've noticed I've been posting and some of you "oldies" haven't been liking my posts. WHO IN GODS NAME do you think you are?? No really, who are all of you? I am very new here. I've been here more briefly than the majority of you shit-for-brains, that's for goddamn sure!!!!! If this place doesn't deteriorate more rapidly (and thus become a more welcoming environment for my pathetic contributions) I'm going to have my mom sign up for an Earwolf account.

    • Like 11

  5. Posted

    Hold up, everyone shut the fuck up for a minute!

     

    I noticed a few of you newbies are posting and you aren't liking my posts. Who the fuck do you think you are? I've been a part of this forum for a long damn time. Longer than any of you shit brains. If this place doesn't shapen up real soon, I'm going to get my close personal friend Dan Engler to do it for me.

     

    I think we all thought you were... the nicest one here?

    • Like 4

  6. Posted

    Thank you, MP. I ended up buying 1000 envelopes in one trip and wore huge pants in which to hide them so that I didn't make the same horribly embarrassing mistake as you did. I appreciate the lessons learned advice, but now I may have some unnatural feelings towards envelopes. Oh well.

     

    On the FIRST day?? Damn. You're gonna be running that company in no time!! It took MONTHS before I finally realized a giant billowing pair of cargo pants was the answer to this problem... paired with a smartly tailored coat and tie, no one's ever been the wiser. Meanwhile, I'm strolling around with anywhere from 3-4k envelopes on me at all times. ;)

    • Like 6

  7. Posted

    I start my new job tomorrow and I'm very nervous about it rn.

     

     

    Congrats on the new job! Hope you have a great first day, and that you're not so nervous that you feel too embarrassed to ask where the office supplies are located and instead frantically rush to Staples during lunch to personally purchase 500 manila envelopes that you then have to shamefully/ineffectively sneak back to the office so you can complete the ONE SIMPLE TASK you've been given on your first day...

     

    But, I'm sure that won't happen, because that would be ridiculous. And I definitely didn't do it twice!

    • Like 19

  10. Posted

    And everything John Hughes touched was garbage.

     

    You'd think a guy that successful would prefer to purchase fresh, clean food for himself, but sure enough each night we'd find him outside rooting through our garbage cans, elbow to elbow with the neighborhood raccoons, searching for "tasty treats 'n snacks." As always I'd grab a broom and chase him off down the block, knowing full well that we'd be inevitably doing it all over again the following night, and the night after that... until the night he didn't come, and never would again. RIP.

    • Like 9

  11. Posted

    Let's see, 2 likes here and now I'm followed by a bunch of bots on Soundcloud.

     

    This bit totally paid off, you guys.

     

    *throws on sunglasses and tips back a brandy snifter*

     

    Make that 3 likes. Paid off INDEED!*

     

    *please refer to photo of me tipping my cap, chosen many months ago in anticipation of a moment precisely like this... guess all my hard work paid off too!!!!!!!!!!! #blessed

    • Like 6

  12. Posted

    I made this after Julie's last episode but before I knew how to actually post images to the forum (thank you silvrwoman & lizzy).

     

    I didn't want to just trash it, but I knew if I filed it away somewhere I'd forget about it and one day a cherished family member would stumble upon it after my death and question everything they ever knew about me/life itself... SO, I've been staring at this creepy little naked thumbnail on my desktop for 2 full months.

     

    jhfHleO.jpg

    • Like 12

  13. Posted

     

    Part of the problem is that all anyone wants to talk about in this forum is podcasts, which I find to be a bit obvious and thus pedestrian.

     

     

    Point well taken. As such, I'd like to pose this non-podcast related hypothetical query to the forum:

     

    The big day is here. It's time to reveal to your long-time best friend that he's not the many-decades-younger BFF who looks exactly like you he always thought he was, but is in fact your biological son.

     

    How do you break the news??

     

    a. Take out ad space in your local church newsletter and confess via Zodiac-style cipher

     

    b. Screen "Empire Strikes Back" on repeat, shouting his name/your personal circumstances over the dialogue where applicable (Ex: "No, [DALE]... I am your father [for some reason, even though I only have one testicle and your mom and I banged like, one time!]"

     

    c. Treat him to dinner at Olive Garden and assume the message has been received by virtue of their famous slogan, "When You're Here, You're Family." Never think of it again.

    • Like 9

  15. Posted

     

    wait a minute...it's michelle pfeiffer isn't, it? Even if the bit is that you misheard it as Mekhi Phifer, I never even considered the possibility that she was saying that. shit my mind done just got blown

     

    You were 100% right... I just found a copy of the original LP and the cover art REALLY clears up a lot of this confusion.

     

     

    1qi8I4P.jpg

    • Like 14

  16. Posted

    How do you do, fellow forum-goers? I believe I heard my name mentioned in the introductory song of this podcast. Is that the sort of humorous misunderstanding that might ingratiate me into your world?

     

    NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET AWAY RUPERT MURDOCH!!! EVERYONE HATES IT! *WE* ALL HATE IT (right guys?? ;) )!!!!!

     

    (P.S. Wow, even this publishing genius thought his name was in the song, even though it only ALMOST was... I guess this happens all the time, and to the smartest people in the world, too.)

    • Like 7

  18. Posted

    Ewww, what's with these new "improv" themed Verizon adds? They don't make me annoyed or angry or anything like that, but I get a weird sad mixture of things that I can't put my finger on. What is this I'm feeling?

     

    Those ads make me feel simultaneously ashamed and weirdly protective. Like, if you had a really precocious kid who annoyed the shit out of you, but you hate anyone you suspect might also think so??

     

    It's second-hand embarrassment... and it's tearing this country apart. #Cruz2016?

    • Like 5

  21. Posted

    ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!???

     

    Guys, not to get too personal but I JUST had to suspend my campaign for Presidency and THE ONLY thing I wanted was to run into my lair, flop down on my bed and sob into my pillow while listening to the latest ep of my all-time favorite, definitely-won't-ever-hurt-me podcast, Hollywood Handbook...

     

    WELL imagine how loud my sobbing got once I realized Shawn & Haze were stripping my name out of the opening song and had recorded an entire episode about it just to rub it in my face!!!!!!!!!! As if the betrayal of the entire United States of America wasn't bad enough...

     

    Cryingly Yours,

     

    Mekhi Phifer/Ted Cruz

    • Like 6

  25. Posted

    Are you trying to upload directly to the forums? That usually doesn't work for me.

     

    Try uploading to imgur and copy/pasting the bbcode.

     

    Note: if the image is fucked up or offensive, I didn't help you and will deny everything

     

    This ship has clearly sailed, but I thank you for your guidance and kindness... in my darkest hour of despair, you shone a (silvr-y) light of hope, and I'll be forever grateful.

     

    And for what it's worth, it was a poster of Mr. Levi "My First Name is Jeans, My Last Name is Weens" Johnston courtesy of his 2009 spread in Playgirl... so, I think this all worked out for the best.

    • Like 4
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