zombiesean

To the Singer Who Won't Sing from the Writer Who Won't Write - I don't know if you'll every see this or if it will mean anything to you at all but I just had to say some things that I couldn't get off of my mind since I finished your episode. First off, I burst into tears as soon as you started singing. I was driving at the time so thank you for that. (It's okay. We all survived.) I just want to say that I understand completely where you're coming from in regards to having a dream and not pursing it. A little about me - I went to a four year college here in America with an exceedingly well known and popular creative writing program. It is a nationally recognized program. All of the professors there are published writers. Most, if not all, I think, have won multiple awards for their writing. One even had a movie deal for one of his books with James Franco. Anyway, while I was there, I was told by my professors that I was good at what I do. I was a talented writer; I got amazing feedback from them. And I got great feedback from other students in the program as well except for one boy that made one comment about students and their grammar and that they shouldn't be writing majors if their grammar isn't up to par or perfect. And that stuck with me. They weren't directly speaking to be but they were speaking about me. I was in the room, they just didn't know. But it stuck with me 8 years later. I thought about it all the time when I was in school and every time I even think about writing now. Because of that I only wrote when I was in college when I had assignment to do. Before that I would write all the time. And now, I haven't written since I graduated, 5 years later. I think about writing everyday. And it was one of my most favorite things to do. Instead, I have to have a full time job with insurance for a couple for reasons so pursuing a creative career alone is not feasible for me. I would love to. I know a lot of my classmates have gone on to creative jobs where they work in independent publishing or run they small literary magazines but they don't have health insurance and I can't not have it. I buy notebooks and carry them with me everywhere. I just keep thinking that “Oh it’s this one, this is the notebook that I will finally write in. This is the one that will change everything. This will change how I feel about it all.” I just want to tell you that...I know you. Because I feel that. I feel what you're going through with your singing. I feel that wanting, that having a dream and being so close to it and not pursing it for whatever reason. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about how 30 seconds your sung on the podcast I was blown away. The sound quality was not the best but you could still hear the passion the you have for singing in your voice. I think having a dream feels better than having pursued that dream and failing at it because when you have it, you have something to look forward to and when you fail, then what do you have to look forward to anymore? At least that's what I feel a lot of the time. That's one reason why I don't write. I could and I want to but if I write a book or a collection of short stories and it never gets published, if no one ever reads it, then I did what I wanted to do. But it didn't get published so my dream isn't fulfilled. I failed. Dreaming of being a writer/singing/dancer/artist/whatever is more comforting than the feeling of failure. Chris really hit the nail of the head. You're not a singer if you're not singing and I call myself a writer even though I haven’t written anything in 5 years. When you were saying how you were going to start next month, I know that feeling as well. I always feel like I have to start something on a Monday or a first of the month. Tomorrow is June 1st. And I am sitting at my computer right now typing this. I am perfectly capable of opening and new document and setting down the story that I’ve had in my mind for three years but I won’t. ‘Cause it’s May 31st and you can’t start new things at the end of a month? I don’t sit down and take the time because I don’t want to be disappointed in myself if I fail. Or have my parents be disappointed because I failed. I went to a very expensive private university and if I fail, it was all a waste. Granted I am not using it now so it is still a waste, but it doesn’t have a point in time of it being a waste. There’s potentially a point where it will be one but it’s not over yet. I can still do it. I can still be who I wanted to be when I was little. I wanted to be a writer since I was 4 and I’m now 27. I haven’t hit the finish line yet. I want to give you words of advice. I want to say everything that Chris said but how can I do that when I can’t even follow it? I needed to hear your podcast. I needed to hear what Chris was saying to you because it applies to me as well. I think maybe we all just have to jump. I think we should willing to lose our dreams when pursing them because we won’t be happy if we don’t. I think we’re all worth trying. I know I'm just one person on the internet. You have no idea who I am, I don't know who you are. You may never see this. Hell no one may ever see this, but I couldn’t not say anything. You moved me, Singer. And look at that, I finally wrote something.