I have just lost the last hour of my life to this cinematic disaster.
My boyfriend put this movie on. It's streaming on Hulu and came up pretty featured on the list. Enthusiastically, I started chanting ROCKY LOVES EM-IL-Y. You know, as one does. I saw this movie as a child. I didn't not realize the following; 1) how blatantly racist it is 2) how terrible it is for children to watch 3) it really has very little in the way of plot 4) the production quality has to be one of the worst in a movie I was not actively looking for problems in. David was convinced in a scene where the mother is putting on earrings that they disappear at the end of the conversation. Didn't see that, but don't doubt it. The grandfather fighting is so clearly a much thinner, younger stunt double that it leaves me wondering... why the hell was there a grandfather fighting ninjas? Why did the ninjas have a plastic visor over their face?
There is so much to touch upon. It would never get done in a simple hour. The mother refers to her "asian side" ... WHAT? The father clearly has a problem with the grandfather teaching the kids karate / ninja skills / whatever the f@#$ they are "learning" at the death-kill-murder camp they stay at with him. I share the father's concerns. I do not know the father is not winning that conversation with the mother. She refers to her father as a "special man" - what the f!@$? When they attack the grandfather towards the beginning of the movie, one of those children could have clearly lost a limb so badly that it makes me uncomfortable. The children making the decision to, among other things, throw loose CDs at three gun-toting ... infant men ? I don't even know what to call them. They HAD GUNS, kids. At the beginning, the grandfather tells them not to get into a fight they can't win.
I can't. The villain is like they didn't have the budget for Steven Seagal.
Also, is the grandfather's ninja outfit made of a trash bag? Clearly... it is. (from the boyfriend)
I looked up everyone. With the exception of the lead man child gang leader and Emily (who solves that front teeth business), almost everyone retired after the ill-fated sequels. I'm concerned about my life as a child after watching this. I'm worried I've never liked anything good.
While I was writing this, he turned it back on. I'm in for another 30 minutes of this.
Please. This movie. For us all.
