zoey

A magical hobo who used her last dollar for her own name. Rub her snaggletooth and she'll grant you 3 wishes! @SittinontheRitz Who's Ke$ha?

Cum on guys, gay jokes aren't funny.

Downton Abbey > Little Dorrit #MasterpiecePBS

Drinking vodka and playing tetris. Just like the Russians intended. I think communism might be the answer, guys.

Emma Stone is societies redo for Lindsay Lohan

Found $20 in my bra this morning. HOW DID I MAKE MONEY LAST NIGHT?

Had a dream about Kung Fu Hustle. It's going to be a weird day.

Hey @kylekinane I saw your old beard out with all kinds of dudes last night at #sxsw. You're lucky you dropped that slut.

I bet Dick Cheney screamed CALIMA and then ripped out his own heart.

I didn't think I was tired until I stopped moving.

I don't want to brag, however, here goes: I've EGOT'd. By that I mean people who have won those things have told me I'm funny.

I have a hyper tolerance to gluten.

I need to go to @MoontowerComedy Festival. Someone buy me a pass.

I think I love @SittinontheRitz. Not in a normal way, but in a #C4FknL way. Which is creepier and involves cardigans and gryphons!

I wish there was an episode of Jersey Shore where they just showed the fights.

I'm about to make this horchata my bitch.

Just walked past a band piling into an RV at guad &4th that smells like a dispensary. Brb, about to make new friends. #sxsw.

LA from April 26 end of May. Let's do something bitches!

Live tweeted via DM this 'American Juggalo' doc to @SittinontheRitz yesterday. Had REAL weird dream. Is karma real?

Lyndon Baines Johnson? RT @mental_floss Before he wrote Jaws, Peter Benchley was a speechwriter for President Lyndon Johnson.

Not being metioned by @CuddlahArmy for #FF? Consider it a compliment. The way you congratulate yourself on not having AIDS.

Number of times I sing "show me show me show me" way before Just Like Heaven actually starts? Every.

OMG THE SHINS ARE HERE TONIGHT FML

On my way to a wedding. Just road raged at someone "...because I'm a lady you mother fucking cock sucker!"

one month to LA!