DartanganMcgee

True Lies and Kindergarten Cop. That's right, Two-fer Tuesday! Two ridiculous Arnold abortions that would make for awesome episodes. Also, there's always Junior. That movie was so bad my eyes started bleeding.

The title alone is pretty fuckin' ridiculous(and could be seen as somewhat racist), but hold onto your assholes, it gets worse. It stars Sean Penn and the dark succubus known as "Madonna" as star crossed lovers in Shanghai(let that marinate for a moment). He's a treasure hunter, she's a nurse seeking the healing powers of opium for her patients(yes, that is the actual synopsis). It cost 17 million dollars, and only grossed 2.7 million, and Madonna won worst actress at the razzies. The trailer:

This is obviously a quintessential 80's shit fest, featuring a somewhat racist, but nonetheless charming performance, by one Fisher Stevens. As well as an exceptionally Guttenbergian performance by Steve Guttenberg in his hey-day. Who, as we all know, was lost to the coke filled abyss that was the 1980's. Throw in a wise-cracking robot, and Ally Sheedy, and you have a timeless gem that will make any viewer wonder, how did this get made?

A crossbow wielding Patrick Swayze fighting mobsters, a "pre-Taken" Liam Neeson trying to do a convincing southern accent, and a flame broiled Ben Stiller. You get all that and more from this star-studded shit-stravaganza. Seriously, one of the nuttiest Swayze outings this side a' Road House. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097967/?ref_=sr_1 Here's a scene featuring a badass, hillbilly Neeson escaping the clutches of the mob (keep an eye out for a cameo from Ray Romano's cousin).

A Tom Arnold vehicle based on a children's book series, enough said. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117768/?ref_=sr_1

A feature film based on a twenty year old comedy sketch. This must have been when Aykroyd began to realize that Ghostbusters 3 wasn't happening, and was forced to reach into the vault and rehash another one of his old ideas(we would be subjected to a terrible blues brothers sequel not five years later). It's been heartbreaking to watch him slowly slip into dementia, and start schilling vodka in skull bottles, while rambling about aliens. Aside from Aykroyd, this film is filled with a cavalcade of other funny people, who aren't really doing anything funny. Roger Ebert described this film as,"dismal, dreary, and fairly desperate", I think that sums it up pretty nicely. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106598/

Nic Cage as a psychic magician, who uses his powers to fight crime alongside the FBI. So, basically just your average Nic Cage fare.

Really any Pauly Shore film would work, but this one is the worst of the worst. There's something about the pairing of Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin that makes this movie especially shitty.You guys can't let this disaster of a film escape your clutches.

Hey remember this movie, ...no? Exactly, it was one of the biggest bombs of 1999. Two soon to be has-beens( Skeet"I'm not Johnny Depp"Ulrich, and Cuba Gooding Jr.), in the movie that ruined their careers. It's too bad, they're so great together in this, their chemistry is reminiscent of Hope and Crosby. Just kidding, they're both terrible, and spend the movie spewing generic tough guy one-liners, and retarded Elvis references. Pretty much every attempt at humor falls flat. It's like they were trying to make die hard crossed with a buddy road trip comedy.

What can be said for this sad, sad attempt at filmmaking. Between Pacino's high heel shoe lifts, and the convoluted storyline, this film is a disaster. It just leaves you feeling depressed, two actors that have been in some truly great films, are now relegated to this kind of garbage.

This has to be the worst Billy Crystal vehicle, and that's saying something. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120765/?ref_=sr_1

Finally, what we've all been waiting for, a Walken/Pacino team-up! Not since the abomination Gigli have we had such an oppurtunity. They actually share most of their scenes in this one. Now, I'm having trouble trying to figure out the most concise way to summarize this bizarre film. And I think that's because the filmmaker didn't know what kind of film he wanted to make. It starts off as a strange buddy comedy, sort of a cross between the odd couple and goodfellas if that makes any sense. Pacino and Walken are reunited after Pacino gets out of prison. Then about fifteen minutes in, it turns into a wacky hangover-style romp. As Pacino and Walken go out on the town for a night of boozing, snorting adoral, and banging foriegn prostitutes. There's even a cliched "oops, I took too many boner pills" scene, in which Pacino, you guessed it, takes too many boner pills, and ends up in the hospital. Also, Bill Burr makes an appearance as a gangster, he would make a great guest for this one. By the way this is about half the movie, and they haven't even gotten to the third lead, Alan Arkin, who kills it as always. And you wonder why they didn't put the one comedically adept actor in it from the beginning. It's like they wanted to cram way to much shit into one movie. Kind of like me with this review, and I haven't even gotten to what I'm guessing was the film's main plotline. Anyways, you guys should check it out, it's official release is Friday, but I believe it's on VOD now. It will definitely leave you wondering how it got made.

The Avengers was the biggest blockbuster of summer 2012, but it was also the biggest box office bomb in the summer of 1998. This cinematic turd has long since faded from the public consciousness. I think it's time we revisit this trainwreck, and give it the lambasting it deserves. It stars Uma Thurman(fresh off of Batman and Robin) and Ralph Fiennes as british secret agents who team up to save the world from a senile Scottsman(played by Sean Connery) who can control the worlds weather. This already sounds like a rejected Bond movie idea, and it's as terrible as it sounds.

I'm sure they had to pay some fee to the estate of Elvis, since they mention his name two thousand fucking times in this movie.

Forgot to mention, the budget on this piece of shit was 70 million, and it only brought in 11 million. Also, it has a rating of 7% on RT. Here it is in all it's glory... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLWU1WcoiXs

Couldn't agree more, he reminds me too much of beaker from the muppets.

If I were him, I would have beaten my agent to death with my oscar. But, I guess at the end of the day Cuba could have said no to most of these bombs. Unless he, literally, didn't get offered anything besides parts as cripples, retarded guys, or over the top comedic relief. And that may very well have been the case. Adrian Brody's career crashed and burned in sort of the same way. I guess it's not all bad, they get to make straight to redbox movies with Christian Slater and Tom Sizemore for the rest of their careers!

Exactly, I feel like there could be an entire episode focusing on his poor career choices. Pretty much every movie you mentioned would be great fodder for HDTGM.

This movie is ridiculous enough to send the most composed man into a psychotic rage.

Yep, that's the one. The bomb's code name is Elvis, which leads to all the retarded Elvis references throughout the film. Yeah, his parents really fucked him on that one.

Sorry, this is just hackneyed horse shit in my opinion. Movies like this make me wanna puke in my soup.

It would be great to revisit this over-hyped piece of celluloid feces that flooded the public consciousness with lame catchphrases. It would be great if Patton Oswalt and his brother Matt were guests. Patton has a great bit about the two of them seeing it together. It would also be interesting to discuss just what the fuck happened to Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career. So grab your zima and your chumba wumba cd's, we're headed back to the 90's.

I'm sure there is an adult film with the same title. Seriously though, between Peter Berg's performance in this film, and his directorial effort(or lack thereof) with Battleship, I'd say he's been given far too many chances in this business.

This would be amazing, it's such a great bad movie. The sequel is even better, Bon Jovi versus vampires! Seriously, who casts the leads in these movies. In the first one we get paunchy, lisping, middle aged James Woods as the lead vampire hunter. Who, by the way, wears a fucking leather jacket the whole movie(this was filmed in the new mexico desert). And then in the sequel they throw a Bon Jovi at us.

Good point, I feel like Jim Belushi started off as a growth on John's shoulder. Then, at some point, was surgically removed and set loose in the world.