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JacobCrites

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Posts posted by JacobCrites

  5. Posted

    So just to review the deaths that Horatio's characters have caused, either directly or indirectly:

     

    Shelly Driftwood: accidentally sliced Ron Goldman (whose reanimated corpse proceeded to then kill Nicole Simpson), invited the Wonderland Gang to their demise, drove into gym while high on vitamins, killing one of the fat people on the stairmasters

    Jacob Brooks: bullied a heavy girl in high school who then committed suicide

    Aaron Neville: ordered the strangulation of other prison inmates using radio wires

    Victor Ramos: accidentally blew up a halfway house with 9 bums inside

    Chico Davis: saw the gun of Dimebag Darrell's murderer prior to the shooting, but ran away instead of warning him

    Uncle Stoney: caused the Black Hawk Down helicopter crash

    Wesley Treehawk: rode his vespa into "pale" people territory and shot homeless people with a crossbow

    Darryl Drummond (from the TV show): drove his monster truck over cars, unaware that people were still inside them

     

    I'm probably missing some, so please add any if you know.

    I almost cried laughing just reading these

  9. Posted

    Wow. I'm in NYC for the Del Close Marathon. (improv4humans live tomorrow, Saturday 1-5pm, at UCBeast) so I haven't read this til now. Even now I can't read all these long posts but I'm surprised at such negative reaction to this. I thought we had a pretty civil discussion with four people. And we are just people with opinions, not politicians representing public policy. I think it takes a certain amount of guts to come on the show so i thank kate, soup, and wax for that. To criticize them seems ridiculous. Think of the glass half full. How many shows have this kind of discussion opportunities with fans? There are so many podcasts where nothing of societal importance is ever discussed. Be proud that we are all actively involved in these kind of debates. It's not done enough. But do we have to get mean on this forum?Aren't we all on the same team? We all know that the real enemy is the part of the comedy industry that creates things like Entourage. If you are disappointed in me, well, that disappoints me. I hate to think that Case Closed makes the show lose any fans. I think spirited debate is entertaining. I honestly don't care about the SKM issue that much and I could easily debate the other side of the issue. I find it fun taking a challenging stance on an issue, and I think it can be inspiring for good comedy. I know a lot of people hate it, so I'm pretty sure we've only done CC once in 2015. And I try to do extra long show when we do it. So I'm sorry I disappoint you but after all, I am only humon.

    I also kind of wish the spirit of the forum after a Case Closed would be that since everybody is invited into the Thunderdome, then once the Case is Closed then the Case is Closed. It's like a gentlemen's (or gentlewoman's!) agreement. Otherwise it seems things always get nasty.

    Long live Del!

    Dagnabbit, Matt, I can't stay mad at you. Well said.

  10. Posted

     

     

    4. Ultimately, it seems to come down to the fact that many don't want to change their language/behavior. Essentially, they don't want to have to deal with this hassle of change and being condemned for their words, as they don't feel personally offended by it and refuse to acknowledge the enormous number of people who are offended and who have a logical thought process that legitimizes that offense. This is ironic because Besser and Souprman are essentially trying to control and condemn the "PC police" for their behavior/words. The difference is, U.S. PC police are promoting respect and equality, while Besser; Souprman, and Kozelek just want to be able to make stupid "jokes", be insulting, and generally say whatever the fuck they want without consequences. I think the respect and equality of historically and currently disenfranchised groups is more important than the constant comfort of the systematically privileged.

     

    5. All in all, this was a pretty upsetting episode to listen to. I have listened to every episode of i4H at least twice (most of them 3+ times), and I have also bought/watched as much of Besser's other stuff as I could in order to support him. The amount of happiness this show has brought to my life over the last few years is hard to quantify. Ever since those first listens, Besser has (had?) been a personal hero of mine. He always seemed to create the smartest, craziest, and simply funniest comedy, all while helping the careers of other great comedians by giving them exposure and generally showing the audience how awesome they were. He would also frequently "fight the good fight" and advocate for causes important to me, from marriage equality to gun control. But as a feminist/feminist ally/whatever you want to call solemn who believes in equality for women, it is very difficult for me to reconcile this episode with my previous view of Besser. It's going to be hard for me to listen to i4H again, simply because the views expressed in this episode are so infuriating/downright wrong and backwards. I'm sure future episodes will be funny, but, for me personally, listening to the show again would most likely be a reminder of prejudice and willful ignorance rather than the source of happiness it has always been. I'm not calling for a boycott or anything, all I'm saying is that I've been a huge fan of Besser and everything he's done, but this episode means listening to future episodes might not be a pleasant experience for me personally. So I guess you guys win, I won't be here to police your fun any more. If you want to call this over sensitive or whatever go ahead, because you're still missing the point entirely. So yell at me and promote prejudice, I won't be reading it any way, and my belief of gender equality is unshakable.

    Apparently you're not going to read this, but I agree with you completely. And you're certainly not alone. Outside of the earwolf boards, the general consensus is definitely that Matt argued his point very poorly. I mean, it was palpably awkward, and you could hear some hesitation from the improvisors as well. The points he made on the previous episode made a lot more sense, but it was, even for a super-fan of the show like myself, shockingly uncomfortable to listen to. I've been a big defender of Case Closed but this one really bummed me out. I don't want him to stop the segment, because I want him to do his show his way, but it seems to me the best Case Closed segments are actually the ones where Matt isn't the one/only one arguing (Gun Control, Bestiality, etc.)

    • Like 1

  11. Posted

    Never was the biggest Horatio fan but I found this week's stuff to be just excruciatingly bad. I skipped over large chunks of it, I found it so unpleasant and tasteless.

    Indeed! In fact I found that it lacked reverence and much of it was on-the-wall. I listen to this internet radio program for purely intellectual content, such as when the hilarious comedienne Lauren Lapkus and one Thomas Middleditch pleasantly and in very good taste joked about incest while riding dead bodies like horses, or when ol' Paul F. Tompkins masquerading as Saint Nicholas curses every other word.

    This should be a classy show!

    • Like 8

  15. Posted

    The color burst and escaped again; flashes of orange and red, searing his eyes, then settling into darkness. Exuberant, then suddenly, mysteriously reclusive, like Thomases both Yorke and Wiseau. Sean stool on the hill—“our hill,” he called it—like he always did: with a boyish look of wonder, doubt, and contemplation, as the sun died behind the hills. He wondered what he always wondered, doubted what he always doubted, and contemplated what he always contemplated, though this time—maybe it was the lights of the city below, twinkling as brightly as the stars above, or maybe it was Hayes’ eyes, which seemed more comely and accepting than ever, and which twinkled as brightly as the stars above and the city below and also Sean’s eyes, which were also twinkling—he decided to say it all out loud.

    “Hey…Hayes, buddy?” Sean said with a quiet trepidation, like a child who had wandered into his parent’s room after a nightmare.

    Hayes set down his notebook and flashlight-pen. He adjusted his glasses and looked up at Sean, adopting a warm smile the same way a parent might adopt a child, who was warm from being in Africa or Texas or something.

    “What’s good in the hood, S-Town?” he said with that warm smile mentioned previously, and using the first letter of Sean’s first name (‘Sean’) and combining it with word town to form an affectionate yet cool nickname.

    “I was just thinking…”

    “You sure you weren’t wondering?” Hayes jested.

    “That too. And doubting…and contemplating, actually.”

    “Let’s come up with a word to combine all of those words, because we use them a lot.”

    “What words do we say a lot?” said Sean, scratching his head in confusion like a puppy, only with hands instead of paws.

    “Wondering, doubting and contemplating.”

    “We say those words a lot? Wondering doubting and contemplating?”

    “Yeah.”

    “We do? Not the narrator?”

    “Who?”

    “Oh, right. Well, how about Woubtemplating?”

    “I was thinking ‘Condoubtering?’” said Hayes, who was the smart one because he wore glasses.

    “I like it. Well you see, Hayes, I was…condoubtering…up here on our hill…where we are now, overlooking the city at night…”

    “—The city of Los Angeles,” Hayes interjected.

    “Mmm. Yes. I was condoubtering what you think it all means?”

    “What what means?”

    “You know…everything. Life. The universe. I mean,” he stood up, threw his hands up in frustration and started pacing underneath the enormous H he was standing beneath on the hill, “we’ve got these…these lizard brains, you know? These animal instincts. Which makes sense because we came from animals, and religion is the source of all wars.”

    “Sean…” Hayes said with a fatherly sternness. He propped one fist on his hip while his other arm was confidently, methodically lifting a fifty pound dumbbell that he apparently had.

    “I know you don’t like it when I talk like that. But it’s messing with my head, man! It keeps me up at night. I mean, I’m already up at night because I’s always writing movies, or writing a theme song to a TV show I’m pitching the next day, or even just playing piano so good because that’s my god is music. But I’m also up because of all this woubtemplating—“

    “—Condoubtering,” Hayes corrected, while lifting his pant leg a little to reveal he’s been wearing barbed ankle weights the whole time. The moonlight glistened off his flawlessly-toned calves.

    “Yes…and..OK can we actually talk about those ankle weights?”

    “You know Billy (Ray Cyrus) will only give them to me because of that rad haircut I gave him that made Myley so jealous, so no you can’t have any.”

    “Ok, but the barbs…like, there’s big spikes coming off them…”

    “Really big. Huge.”

    “Yeah, like the size of my…well anyway, and they’re jabbing right into your leg, and you’re bleeding a lot.”

    “Sean,” he said, adopting a soothing combination of warmth and fatherly sternness, “Who’s the smart one?”

    Sean blushed and sunk his hands into his pocket. He slouched like an embarrassed schoolboy and quietly admitted,

    “You are.”

    “Yes. And because I is so smart I know that 75% of your body is water. And like 40% of it is blood. And since they’re both liquids, I’m really only losing a lot of water. Which means,” he said leadingly, tilting his glasses down and gesturing to Sean to finish the thought. Sean’s eyes lit up even brighter than they already were, as he exclaimed,

    “You’re really just losing water weight!”

    Hayes leaned back on his elbows and gave a nod at approval before turning his gaze (his ‘Hayes-Gaze’ as he called it) back to his notebook, in which he had resumed writing.

    “Asactly,” Hayes said, “Asactly.”

    “You know,” Sean said, a grin coming over his face in the same way Jessica Chastain would often come over to his house for scrabble night ever Wednesday, “We make a pretty good team, you and me.”

    “We do,” Hayes agreed. “A darn good team. Well, since we’re up here on our hill by ourselves, I’ll say it: A damn good team.”

    Sean’s eyes lit up in the same way they had earlier, and also in the way the stars were shining and the city lights were glistening off Hayes’ perfectly toned calves and the light on Hayes’ pen was glowing, and he said, with a snap of his fingers:

    “That’s it!”

    Hayes shot him a puzzled look.

    “What’s ‘it?’” he asked.

    “Us. The meaning of life. It’s all about us!”

    “Sean, I think for once you’re the smart one because I don’t even know what you’re talking about right now.”

    Sean clasped his hands together and began to pace professorially, like their late best bud and fantasy-rugby competitor Steve Jobs used to do when announcing a new computer phone.

    “Asactly, Hayes. Asactly! You and me? We make a good team. And between the two of us we’s got all the answers. Maybe the meaning of all this isn’t just making great movies, or TV shows, or rocking out so hard on the piano just for fun—maybe we’re supposed to be a team, and make the world a better place by sharing our knowledge.”

    Hayes took his glasses off and wiped them on his #Shirtmuch? T-shirt, because they were fogged over with joyful tears.

    “S-man, that’s beautiful,” he said. “But the thing is, we’s both so smart that I don’t even know where to begin. If we tried to just tell people all the information we both know their whole heads would asplode because of all the truth just kablamming in their brains.”

    “You’re right,” Sean said, disappointed but not defeated. “We need to marrow our focus.” He looked around for some source of inspiration.

    “Yeah, well while you’re looking around I’m gonna keep writing in this notebook I’ve been writing in the whole time.”

    Sean gasped audibly and staggered a little bit in euphoric shock.

    “Hayes ya big goof, that’s it! What are you writing? There’s gotta be something in there we could drop some truth bombs about, but not in the same way all the army guys drop bombs on poor third world countries because of religion starting all the wars.”

    “Oh, it’s nothing. Just some stupid insider’s guide I literally write as a jerkoff. About how to kick butt and drop names in the red-carpet-lined back hallways of this industry.”

    “The one we call showbiz?”

    “Asactly. How’s that gonna help?”

    “Hayes ol’ buddy,” Sean said with a sly grin and a hand on his hip as he looked up at the Hollywood sign they had been sitting underneath the entire time, “I think I have just the idea!”

    • Like 22

  17. Posted

    Oof. Ya take a couple days off and suddenly ya got 28 pages to catch up on.

    Can one of you guys start a Talking Dead/Bad style after-show for the forum where you recap all the pages? If Chris Hardwick isn't available you probably get Matt Mira since they sound exactly alike and they're equally funny, which way or may not be an insult.

    • Like 6

  20. Posted

    So did Scott just miss LL and TM's early attempts to point toward their dad as the killer, or was he consciously not following them down that route? He's usually pretty sharp about seizing on stuff like that within the improv, so it was weird.

    I love the direction they ended up going, but it was weird that they so heavily implied it was the dad, and then that was dropped. And then Scott heavily implied it was himself, and that was dropped.

  21. Posted

    PFT always manages to tap into a pet peeve that we share. Blatantly mispronouncing Spanish words/names just kills me. HOW DO SOCCER COMMENTATORS CONSISTENTLY MISPRONOUNCE MIGUEL AND VELASQUEZ? THEY'RE BOTH LIKE TOP 5 MOST COMMON SOCCER PLAYER NAMES!

     

    Loved hearing the No You Shut Up crew; the NYC stuff was particularly great, culminating with swearing to fuhgeddaboutit on the Bible.

    I do think the sound-effects-for-scene-transitions is proving to be less of a fun-hindrance and more of a hindrance-hindrance to the improvisers. There's always at least two moments in every podcast where someone's initiation gets butchered/denied because they hit flashforward when they meant to flashback, and the sounds are so similar that you can tell people often have a tough time remembering when the scene is supposed to take place. That can be fun if it's surprising or AHEM spontaneous, but it's more of a bummer if it happens every single time. I wonder if PFT would consider trying an ep where they do the ASSSCAT/Improv4Humans model of just saying "cut-to" or simply jumping to a new scene (which one of the improvisers did in this episode out of instinct). I know on paper it would seemingly take away from the Old-Timey Radio Show vibe the show has, but I think it would be an interesting experiment.

    • Like 1

  24. Posted

    This was Comedy Death-Ray era levels of disgusting/dark/awesome.

    I would also like to echo the sentiment that Lauren asking if rappers act out their sketches during live performances is an all-time great CBB question. I sincerely hope Kanye opens up every show with the Wake Up Mr. West! sketch.

    • Like 11
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