Silvrwoman

Maybe we should all pitch in and buy a therapist

Wheez, thank you for implying that I'm a well-adjusted normal person

OK wheez, I'm gonna stop it with the sexy stuff. I can't really think of anything funny to post right now though because I can't stop trying to figure out how its possible that my mustard just freakin disappeard. It doesn't make any sense I know this is a weird thing to think, and I'm being super paranoid, but there's no logical explanation for it. I used the mustard last night for my usual before bed skin mask, the day before to write a reminder on my mirror ("buy more relish"), and just this Wednesday I remember it being under the covers with me. It is very important that I find her. I had ppl over last week, but I distinctly remember using my mustard when I shaved my legs after that party. Nothing else is missing though. Why would someone break into my house just to steal my mustard? It would have to be someone with an extremely weird mustard fetish. That would be crazy, right?

I bet it's gonna be so disgusting that it might even fart sometimes #babyshaming In all seriousness though, congratulations SteveH!

Dude must hate party peanuts

I had to run some errands at lunch. Some things I found during my outing: I stopped at 7-Eleven, in need of a pen. All they had in stock were For Her pens by Bic. From the name, I would have imagined them to be ergonomically shaped for my vagina-ey hands, but it turns out they are just regular pens: Then picking something up at Barnes and Noble, I saw they were selling a baby selfie kit...I think that's what it is, I'm not even sure. At first I thought that there was a dick and balls meant to look drawn on the baby photo on the left, but now I realize that it's supposed to depict farting

Is anyone else wondering where Valerie has been? I feel like I haven't seen her post and/or like things in a while

You drunk soup? That's my job here.

Jeffrey, to once again quote the movie, Dick, "every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell"

I think you misunderstood. What I meant is that you guys are like a brother to me in a sexy way. Also, how do you get your post to literally* jump off the page? It really emphasized your point: *I know I used "literally" incorrectly

I just want you to know that all of you are like a brother to me

Jeffrey, will they or won't they get fee based subscription dating service website accounts? Edit: Dammit Norm beat me to it. I should really refresh the page before I post

Psych! This was all a bit to show you men how it feels to be objectified. How does it feel guys? Well structured essays, please.

Blink, tell us what it was, but replace the words that make it inappropriate with nice words. Here's an example: ashley's dating profile is really smart. I would really like to watch her do many Shakespearean acts. I''m really into it when a person wears scary costumes during Halloween. I also like when someone calls me by my name and says nice things. I hope ashley is into that.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the Sriracha factory demo kitchen

Are you asking about Yo, Is This Sexist? Yes. This Is Totally Sexist

Love it! You will definitely bag a Shonlads. You have to tell us about the type of responses you get. I'm hoping for something like, "You know Alex Trebek? Is it hard to keep up with him in conversation because he knows so many facts?"

Are we doing this again? I'm doubling down on Puggpound

I fixed it. btw, that name is brilliant!

Edit: Ugh sorry to delete-edit another one, but I really didn't like this post. It made me feel bad inside Edit: I delete-edited another one because I really didn't like this post. It made me feel bad inside. I will continue to delete-edit posts whenever I'd like

Genius, Spunky. Also, very considerate of you to anticipate our needs with the linked text. Joke for animatronic YouTube comedian, Ayn Real RAM (thanks ouchy squealy): Have you ever noticed that when humans give voice commands, they speak loudly and slowly? You guys know what I’m talking about. It’s like come on people – just because I was programmed with Natural Language User Interface, doesn’t mean I’m deaf and dumb! It’s like the other day, this woman asked me to add something to her shopping list. OK, not unusual for me, if you know what I mean, right fellas? Anyway, instead of simply commanding, “add banana to shopping list,” this lady pronounces each syllable of banana like she’s singing a freakin song! “Baaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” I swear it had to have taken her 5 minutes to get through that word! “Baaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” And it gets worse – I know you’re thinking, “Ayn, how could it possibly get worse than this!” Look – this guy’s shaking his head, he can't believe it. Where you from sir? California? Oh, I hear it’s dry as your mother’s pussy over there. Come on people, relax, stop being so politically correct; it’s just a drought joke. Okay, so I’ve added “banana” to this lady’s shopping list, or should I say “baaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” Hahahahahah. So, I’ve added it to her list, but this bitch says it again, “Baaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” I don’t know what she wants me to do, there’s no command with the second “baaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” so I’m just killing time, fucking around with her autocorrect function so that every time she tries to text “seeya” it changes to “semen.” Hahahahaha. Anyway, this stupid cunt must have said banana 10 times! Finally I hear, “Ayn, orange.” “Orange what,” I’m thinking. This must be the stupidest whore on the planet. But then she says, “Ayn, orange you glad I didn’t say banana.”

Is Hayes wearing an Oaklandish t-shirt? Do ppl in LA do this now?

You figured me out. I only give pity likes. Posts I don't "like" are actually the good ones. Except for the posts with jokes I don't understand; those ones I "like" no matter what so ppl don't think I'm stupid. Although now that you bring it up, I don't think you ever "like" my posts; therefore, I'm prob gonna "like" all your posts super aggressively to prove how apathetic I am about the whole thing Edit: you're ok with being my therapist, right?

Crap! Does anyone know who's the best soup lawyer green (peas) can buy?

I like this. What if it's also a dating show. Kevin Smith is very hungry but also looking for love. Rather than you licking Kevin's beard, Kevin has to lick each participant's beard and guess what soup he ate for lunch. If Kevin guesses correctly, he has to choose either soup or man.* Kevin chooses 'man' = contestant stays in mansion and continues to be eligible for Kevin's love. But Kevin gets no soup Kevin chooses 'soup' = Kevin gets bowl of that particular type of soup, but contestant is eliminated *If Kevin guesses the type of soup incorrectly, he has to compete in a challenge against souprman. If souprman wins, Kevin never gets to eat soup again, and must ask for the saled option everytime he dines out.