Silvrwoman

I don't know if you guys are deliberately social engineering me into eating toenails, but now I can't even figure out what I truly want anymore. TL;DR: I may eat some toenails

No, that's disgusting, I would never eat my toenails; I'm in a serious relationship with Jennifer, Allison, Katie, Amy, Rebecca, Josephine, Caroline, Caroline 2, Caroline 3, and Tim (my toenails): [media='']https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlqTInGsyK4[/media]

Omg it's artichoke!!!!!

Yea, but everyone knows that eating fresh oyster shells is an aphrodisiac and you have to wait until the shells age before you eat them or else you'll get way too horny

How should I feel about the event which transpired only seconds before I took the above photo? A ) Relieved: Phew, that was a close one, I almost ate a dead ladybug B ) Afraid: Wait, how many ladybugs did I eat before I noticed this ladybug? B.1) Afraid and Guilty: Who knows how many ladybugs I just ate. Poor ladybugs! I boiled them to death! What an awful way to die. C )Guilty: This is what I get for buying and consuming non-local produce. Artichokes aren't even in-season. C.1) Guilty and Afraid: Man, I knew I should have bought something in-season. There's no telling how much pesticides and genetic modifications went into the making of this artichoke. How long has my life been shortened? We're all just guinea pigs! And also CA drought! D ) Protein E ) Both B.1 and C.1

Yes. But is this a bring your own trashcan situation? Mine are already burnt to a crisp

No offense, and I don't want to add to this whole controversy, as I heard your post upset more than a few people, and some in particular were very upset, but whether I agree or disagree with what you've said, I respect you for taking a stance. I hope one day to follow in your brave footsteps and try my best to speak my mind without fear of consequence

All I want for Christmas is extra HH episodes. Not me of course, but a friend told me that another podcast does this some Thursday's. I don't listen to other podcasts (except for chickn's which was great again btw), so I can't verify this, but it sounds like a nice idea. Chickn, you may also release extra episodes. Also, I am Jewish, so I am expecting at least 8 extra episodes or you may be anti-Semitic. Happy Holidays!

Andrew, because I care just as much as you do about Andrew, and the awful way Andrew represented Andrew during Andrew's call, I decided to do some research into how Andrew may be able to sue Andrew "for defamation" of Andrew's character, as Andrew stated. Unfortunately, every legal firm I contacted was "unavailable" to take on new cases due to being busy laughing at me. It's not all bad news though, I did find precedent for your case: someone in almost the exact same situation, doing basically the exact same thing you'd like to do: Inmate Sues Himself for $5 Million

Frog, I can't tell whether or not you're joking, but can you please tell me the approximate time stamp of when you were featured on the episode? I want to listen to assure you that you are wrong and you did great, but I don't have enough time to listen to the whole episode right now. Andy Kindler is one of my all time favorite comedians, but if he really said that about you, I'm going to scalp my tickets to his upcoming show, use the money to buy an HBO subscription and make myself watch Bill Maher just to spite him. UPDATE: I listened and I was right - you were great. You have a nice voice and were entertaining. Eggs even said he liked you, so I don't know why you're tripping. Most people don't like listening to themselves, so I can understand how it could have been an unpleasant experience for you. But as someone who's not you, I can objectively say that it wasn't bad and you have no reason to be worried. So go to sleep.

Ginnie's already taken! Don't even think about it Bruce. Oh no she's clawing at my phone and drooling...

Bruce, I've also been hanging out with a hottie:

haha you all are cracking me up. i've been sick the past couple of days (like if July's character was real), but the butt and dick jokes have really cheered me up. I don't have a dick joke to contribute, but I have been wanting to discuss the scary part of this week's episode... I don’t remember exactly what Sean said, but it was something like, “I fucking hate doing this podcast!” I’m sure it must feel awful to do something that you don’t like doing, but do you think that Einstein liked physics? I heard dude sucked at math as a kid! Anyway, I think I’ve made my point. Then, to my surprise I think that Hayes said that Sean said something like, “Nobody ever fucking listens to me! I'm like Mr. Bean’s weewee over here!” Now, this makes no sense to me. Not just because the sentence structure and word choice are poor, but also because it would not be true according to the only statistical representation I learned about in elementary school, the STD chart depicting you and your partner’s sexual partners, basically strongly implying not only that I had sex with my 5th grade boyfriend, but also that he had sex with multiple other people before me, and now all of us kids have gonorrhea. Anyway, if I’ve recommended Hollywood Handbook to everyone I’ve ever met, and then they continue on to recommend Hollywood Handbook to all their sexual partners, chances are there’s gonna be a few “infected” people out there, if you know what I mean. Ok, I'm gonna stop there cause I actually do have a fever and I can't tell if any of this makes sense

Nothin, sup whitchu? Lesbians can get married now? How do they know which one is the man?

I respectfully disagree - I actually enjoy the ads. I think they're funny and a significant part of the experience; sometimes the ads are my favorite part! Anyway, for those who like the ads as much as I do, I've compiled them all into a single file for your enjoyment.

I'm very sad that I couldn't call in due to my schedule being fully booked of me being anxious about calling. I really have to work on my time management skills. Any tips? And please don't refer me to a buzzfeed article, those are always too overwhelming. Thanks in advance

Robotam, those are very cute socks

Ok, I'm drunk so I'm gonna say some things I've been wanting to say for a while 1) welcome ducca, hope you're cooler than you claim 2) earlier today, I realized that steveh has provided us a compilation of all the cards against humanity ads in his signature. Thank you, steveh, it was very enjoyable. I went around my own table (well, top of a couple magazines) and said what I was thankful for, and it was SteveH for that audio file. 3) chanson, if you like waiting in line for blackfriday deals so much, why don't you marry it and just wait a little longer and buy that thing next year; it will be much cheaper due to how technology gets cheaper so fast (and you love waiting so that's a bonus) 3) chickn, I agree, you should finally buy a computer so that you don't have to sneak behind a starbucks cash register to submit your posts each time. I'm worried you'll eventually get caught, and from then all the bitter Starbucks ppl will put less candy cane in your Christmas-themed drink as payback 4) let's not forget how funny this week's episode was. I'm worried next week's may also be good and take our attention a away from the genius of this week's ep. 5) I want to see everyone's voting records so that if you didnt vote CBB the Movie as the best CBB episode, I can start forgiving you. It's gonna be a long process, so I should start as soon as possible. I'll put in the public records request now Bye Bye, Edit: Crap, I forgot that I wanted to say 6) Bruce, you've been posting more lately and you seem like a chill [whatever the male equivalent of lady is. I was thinking "gentleman" but then it just made me mad that "lady" would be the female equivalent, so I'll just say, "bro". Sorry I know that's way way worse, but my options are limited.] Edit 2: yes, ranran, the Tommy Chong thing was a bit racist. But do not let it affect your opinion of Hayes. We have to remember that as individuals, we are just products of this society. Although, one should do her best to not reflect these ideas in her behavior, we cannot judge she by an occasional misstep, for the apocalypse will come soon anyway, and the only judgement that shall be dispensed is that of the worms' critique of the taste of our warm, GMO-filled, racist, human flesh. Edit 3: sorry for these edits, they're not very good Ugh Edit 4: I already know ducca's Cool. Sorry if you feel lied to

I told myself I wasn't going to get out of bed again today. Told myself to be a person, don't get high and walk down the road dressed as a stop sign again. But I couldn't let go because I was handcuffed. Anyway, while I was being wrongfully arrested, I thought about what you said and knew I had to blast you: You're extremely wrong! Your post is not bad at all! Haha you must have had a poor education because you were so incorrect! The post is actually really good and out of context, you sound like a crazy person, and it's hilarious! Go get a tutor or play an educational computer game so you aren't so wrong next time

Thanks Ashley. I eat an average amount of fruit so let me get a normal amount of that watermelon

The link doesn't work for me :(/> A long time ago, some dude gave me this advice; maybe it will help:

Man, I'm trying really hard to imagine what your D(ad) and/or pets look like but I'm struggling. Can you please help?

Wouldn't it be horrible if a company sold a lifetime subscription plan and its market research involved one of those Facebook quizzes, titled something like "Which Kanye West Song are You?" but the questions were really just a self-assessment type thing to determine how likely one is to commit suicide in the near future. Then the company would target promotions and advertising for the lifetime subscription plan at the most depressed individuals, knowing it wouldn't have to provide the product for very long. Here's a sample question: What do you usually wear to the club? A) Dark jeans, button-up, and sneakers because I love myself B ) A blazer and my best friend on my arm because I have friends and a good support team C) Nothing! Who needs clothes when life is so great! D) Why does it even matter? What's the point of going to a club? What's the point of doing anything? It 'd be better for everyone if I didn't go at all. Actually, it would be better for everyone if I was never even around. I don't know about you, but this seems like an awful company imo. Anyway, back to the important stuff. What I really want to say is how amazing that episode was. There really wasn't a moment that wasn't perfect. Even Engineer Ryan was great.