DeathToMikeyBay

They didn't even have time to mention the scene where they fend off wave after wave of missiles with a flare gun! For some reason I always swore that Amy's trainer was Steve Gutenberg. The only other movie I had that big of an actor misplacement was thinking that Fred Savage starred in The Gate.

For my money, the most HDTGM worthy Crichton movies are Sphere and Lost World. Sure there aren't any talking gorillas, but... Lost World was just a complete mess. In the days before Matrix sequels or Star Wars prequels, there had never been as highly anticipated turd of a sequel in movie history. You could almost fill a whole podcast on the idiots getting everyone killed trying to rescue a baby t-rex, or the daughter outsmarting raptors with grade school gymnastics routines. Sphere was downright incoherent, trying to be 3 different movies: The Abyss, Deep Star Six, and Solaris. My favorite parts were Dustin Hoffman, as a professional psychologist, screaming out Sharon Stone's damaging patient history for petty insult fodder in front of colleagues. Then there's the amazingly sloppy editing, like when they're trying to get away from a giant squid and the tense soundtrack gives the "all clear" cue ten whole seconds before they actually reach safety.

The Green Lantern episode talked about one of the biggest problems with that movie. The entire tone was presented in as a dramatic, darkly muted exercise in crushing pathos. Meanwhile the actual action taking place on screen was a guy whose superpower was making neon green Looney Toons objects including a giant spring that goes *BOING*. That is the same experience you get watching The Girl Next Door. Imagine if someone told you were about to watch a movie where the plot was money gets stolen from a high school, so to replace it before anyone finds out a guy and his friends enlist the help of his porn star neighbor to shoot and sell a porn flick in the school basement during prom. Then you read the box's tagline "He never saw her coming...but his friends had!". You would expect a teen sex romp comedy, right? NO! The script plays out all the elements of one, but the tone and delivery are that of a bleak, deliberate, straight drama with such emotionlessness that you'd swear it was an M. Night Shyamalan film. The movie is about how porn saves the day and that sex is nothing to be ashamed of, yet there is no nudity! Or porn! Or sex! An R rated "sex comedy" about the porn industry as a force of good with no laughs or nudity! A movie about sneaking into a porn producer's house to steal his dildo trophy but it's really about touching redemption! A movie where the creator wants to say something about the porn industry, but is so clueless that he shows 21st century porn sets using film cameras! This might not quite sound like HDTGM material, but trust me just try watching 5-10 minutes of it and you'll be hit with the most utterly bizarre tonal and theme conflict you've ever seen.

It's a loud dumb action movie, sure, but I wouldn't put it at any higher level of ludicrousness than something like Con Air.

Oh my god. For the first time I just stumbled upon an ad for a new Robin Williams show, The Crazy Ones, that's coming out RIGHT NOW! Eccentric ad agency where everyone sits around playing with toys in a childlike manner, young blonde woman brought in for important position with Robin Williams. IT'S HAPPENING! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! SUB-CREATURES, THE TRAVELER HAS COME! CHOOSE AND PERISH!

In a genre noted for dumbness, this stands out as the dumbest. A Kurt Russel + Silvester Stallone buddy cop movie where Stallone plays the smart one! Jack Palance as a villain who would have been considered too over the top even in the silent movie era. An obsession with dicks and sister fucking. Castration via grenade (see above) Stallone pulling out handcuffs and asking "“Do you like Jewelry?” A bizarrely intense hatred for Asians. A police department that employs a James Bond Q type scientist to invent weapons for them, the latest of which is an armored SUV with side mounted mini-gun, which the heroes use to take on the villain's fleet of giant monster truck sized bulldozers. Showdown at the villain's private office, which includes a funhouse hall of mirrors???? The following conversation regarding a corrupt official: Tango- "When this is over we’re going to have to pay Jabba the Hut a visit." Cash- "I'll bring the chainsaw." Tango- "I'll bring the beer!"

Really, any Deathstalker film would qualify. I'd call them "Conan meets The Beastmaster with boobs in place of animals."

This is why I never understood the appeal of Robin Williams. Most of his jokes and impressions aren't any better than the typical office clown who imagines himself a comedian. He's just another one of those things I chalk up to Boomers.

This movie was the cinematic equivalent of clowns: something thought of as fun for children only by creepy lunatics. On Paul's question of long time dream project movies that turn out terrible, HDTGM's very own Nothing But Trouble definitely qualifies. I'd also throw up Avatar like you mentioned (great effects, horrendous and laughably outdated script). And don't forget Love Guru!

I've never seen the appeal of Robin Williams and just chalked it up as a boomer thing. He's like the typical "wacky" office clown given cocaine, and at least half the adult population can do just as good/funny celebrity impressions.

Damn. I remember when this movie came out, even The Tonight Show was making fun of how culturally irrelevant Crocodile Dundee was. Those movies were a strictly 80s phenomenon. I don't think the gang was all Latino. They went with the 80s holdover of the multi-ethnic gang. For some reason I thought this was around the mid 90s when it still would have been irrelevant. I totally forgot it actually came out in 2000! Damn.

Okay guys seriously, no more posting fake Amazon reviews in hopes of getting yours read. Those things are like orgasms; I need to know that every single one is real in order to enjoy them. Does Paul pick the Amazon reviews before announcing the next movie in the minisodes? Or disqualify the ones posted after the minisode?

Are you guys ever going to get that ArScheerio Paul guy on as a guest? He seems like a pretty hilarious dude!

I should add that Judge Dredd is the exact same movie if you took away Demolition Man's main hook: a violent loose cannon cop and criminal set loose in a non-violent PC utopia. So basically someone thought it would be a good idea to remake Demolition Man by taking out the one interesting aspect.

You need to point out at some point in the episode how Sly would go on to remake the exact same movie 2 years later with Judge Dredd. Seriously it's the exact same movie. Loose cannon cop in the future gets framed by villain for crime he didn't commit. Hero must team up with chick cop and comic relief lesser criminal to take on the villain who turns out to be working for the society's leader but ends up killing the leader to rule the city for himself.

If there was any doubt this movie was another ad for Scientology... Battlefield Earth In the far future, aliens invaded and almost wiped out humans who must go to education centers where devices open up their minds to methods on defeating aliens and free themselves. After Earth In the far future, aliens invaded and almost wiped out humans who must learn to discard all emotions that make them human and turn into emotionless robots.

Is that June in the green wall picture?! Rocking the hair change and sexy painter look.

I think every criticism and critique of this movie has already been done. People are just done talking about it. It was just more lame Lost style mystery setups with no payoffs, from the writers of Lost. Lost had a giant white animal and black amorphous monster, so Prometheus should have a giant white animal and black amorphous monster! Magic goo! Eye worms! Mutant zombie! Magic growing squid! Goo + albino giant = human. Goo + human = eye worm zombie. Eye worm zombie + human = squid. Squid + albino giant = xenomorph. So every single recent movie has to have that prominent orange+blue color scheme (usually by turning the actor's face orange to stand out then turning the background super blue for contrast), but Prometheus went bonkers with it. Do a google image search for "Prometheus movie" if you don't believe me.

I 2nd the nomination.

Well, I'm assuming he would "improve" the same way Uwe Bolle did over time. But it's like an alien did it because it'll just randomly cut or open on scenes where any human would know how the scene should have been edited. Example: one episode opening wants to go with a mysterious whammy. A woman wanders through an abandoned factory, notices some vandalism, is annoyed, then coughs up some weird bloody chunks. A human would know that you end the scene on the chunks, but the alien thinks it would be more suspenseful if she makes a phone call to the police to report the vandalism and end on that. Huh? So many episode openings play out like that. They all just suddenly end on some mundane note, either long after the whammy or without any whammy at all.

Shifting tone? Not at all. That's like saying Murder She Wrote is inconsistent because it has murder AND a charming old lady.

I've just figured it out. This series is what would happen if Tommy Wiseau tried to copy True Blood. It all makes sense now.

You guys need to do an episode with the entire former cast of Party Down as guests.

Okay wow. I only watched the first episode before, but I gave 2 more a try. Wow. This show is basically True Blood if you took out the Sookie character and interesting backdrop (what if vampires didn't need human blood anymore and lived openly?). That, and... ...NOTHING MAKES SENSE Characters and plot bits float in and out with no setup or point. Okay, there's been a murder and there's a werewolf kid and a sort of vampire kid? Then there's some psychiatrist I don't remember from the first episode, some blonde girl impregnated by an angel who we're supposed to know but I don't remember from the first episode, said blonde girl spends the next episode in a wig costume before the audience knows her enough to recognize her so I thought it was a new character, some mysterious pharmaceutical company, some frankenstein girl, some curly hair kid we're supposed to know but I don't remember? At the costume party the curly hair kid sees something in the stairwell that scares him and the editing makes it look like he saw a staggering body on the highway(?), the dance is evacuated, and we see a garter snake on the stage? What? To give a general idea of how confusing this show is, 3 episode in and I couldn't tell you a single character's name. Well, I do know the werewolf kid is "Peter", but only because they just had a scene where he says it four times. I have no clue who any of the characters are or what their relationship to each other is. The doctor and sheriff are plotting? The evil mother is upset that someone saw her (dead?) ex-husband? Who is the curly hair kid? Now everyone is panicking because a "special agent for the Fish and Wildlife Service" (Dee from Battlestar Galactica) is investigating and she's a top notch brilliant bloodhound detective oh my god please. It just hurts. Every new scene is like you just walked into the middle of a different show. This isn't even getting into the painful overwrought writing trying way too hard to sound clever. I wouldn't even call it so bad it's good, but it might be worth watching a couple episodes if you have too much free time and want to be baffled. If they made confusion into a drug it would be this show.

I'm pretty sure that's how True Blood took off. The first season was so fascinatingly dull. It should have been called "Meandering: The Series" Season 2 went downhill. They realized they were unintentionally funny and turned up the self aware camp factor. Unintentional humor does not mix with self awareness. If Season 1 was Birdemic, then season 2 was Birdemic 2. Season 3 was by far the best, thanks to the best character and villain being introduced. Season 4 was bonkers garbage. Premiere has bonkers fairy/imp/fireball/earthquakes, then it just got BORING. Every single character was suddenly supernatural; there were no more ordinary people to play straight men anymore. Dull dull DULL plot of two guys becoming Mexican wizards. One of the worst season finales in television history. That is the final word on True Blood. Don't question it.