DeathToMikeyBay

Barry Levinson is one of those directors who's supposedly great but I can't stand any of his stuff and don't see what the big deal was. Robert Altman is probably my #1 on that list. M*A*S*H is only loved by people of draft age during Vietnam, and his continuous take gimmick was pointless and lazy against something like Touch of Evil or Hard Boiled. Anyway, Dislosure is sooooo early 90s. It was the time where everyone thought 3 things were going to take over everything: Japan, women in the workplace, and virtual reality. Disclosure combines all of them. Not since Vanilla Ice rapped with Ninja Turtles has there been a more early 90s movie.

I think it's just too boring to do an episode on. I remember they billed it as this wacky Lord of the Flies scenario of the crazy things the kids do once the babysitter is dead. And it was...for maybe 2 minutes. Then Applegate gets a job and the movie becomes entirely about that. It's like they were trying to ape the movie Big where a kid is passing off as an adult to bring their fresh young perspective to a clueless stuffy company. It has ZERO of the charm of Big though.

One of the best episodes, for being almost entirely about shitting on David E. Kelly and his (Boston) legal notepads.

The summer camp movie with Dennis Quaid and Fran Dress-SURE? Early 80s screwball comedies were so weird. No structure at all to the plot or even the gags. They all played out every scene like a Benny Hill chase at normal speed without music.

By far the cutest woman scientist in any monster movie.

I remember a period of 5 years where Flight of the Navigator was THE movie that my grade school would always show in class during half days. We must have seen it a dozen times. Each time, when his brother yells, "Don't take no shit!" it was either clumsily edited out (pausing the recording VCR before resuming) or a teach had to be on standby to fast forward.

It could have been released opposite Pluto Nash and still bombed. In terms of pacing, I don't think I've ever seen a more inept thriller. Not even any of the Freddy or Jason sequels.

I just caught this last night on Netflix. Definitely deserves an episode. Other movie by the same writer: Gone in 60 Seconds, Con Air, Kangaroo Jack Follows Paul's sign of a terrible movie being under 90 minutes. Okay, so the movie is a town with a clique of high school kids who act impossibly goodie all American, but there's a dark secret behind it as more kids are brainwashed into joining. Basically Stepford Wives meets The Faculty. At least that's what it's SUPPOSED to be. It's such a mess. Movies like this are supposed to build suspense and gradually reveal the mystery (The Faculty managed it). It feels like there was a missing half hour of scenes that were deleted; several major plot points set up that never get resolved (the sheriff, the best friend). In addition to 30 minutes of plot missing, the remaining 87 minutes seem to have the scene order totally jumbled and random. In THE VERY FIRST SCENE, we see one of the Stepford students go psycho, commit double homicide, and learn that the sheriff is in on it. The police being in on it should have been revealed later, and the acts of violence by the kids should have escalated. Instead, they have the most violent act as THE VERY FIRST SCENE. They needed to establish the town and students as picture perfect at first, like Stepford Wives. They needed to escalate the danger and scope as the movie went on, like The Faculty. It can't be said how much of an acting zero Nick Stahl is. Did ANYONE like him in Terminator 3? He was only decent as the psycho Bobby from Bully, a perfect imitation of the psycho Bobby from Twin Peaks. So Nick is the protagonist who makes friends with the lead stoner. The stoner steals scenes and is so prominent (especially next to Nick's non-acting) that he's pretty much the main character, even though Nick is supposed to be. Then halfway through he joins the Stepford clique. Will their friendship break through the brainwashing? Who knows! It is never resolved. The friend just disappears. The Stepford students are able to violently assault multiple people out in public and get away with it. One rips the nose rings out of kids at a crowded supermarket and throws them 20 feet into display stands. There was more law & order in Road House. The movie is crazy with its portrayal of the mentally ill. They break into a mental hospital where everyone is Sloth from The Goonies who can't stop screaming. They try to calm down one screaming girl patient before Katie Holmes just slugs her, knocking her out cold. The hospital break in? Nothing ever comes of it. 10 minutes of wasted filler in an 87 minute movie that's already underdeveloped on plot. The movie never explains how the adults are cool with the psycho brainwashing. They just say that the kids are getting great grades now. It never explains why the sheriff is in on it, to the point that he doesn't care if one of the kids guns down his deputy. Or the protagonist's parents being cool with the principal's gang of kids giving their son a gang beating before hauling him off. Those must be some kickass grades. It's telegraphed way in advance how the janitor is going to save the day...except his plan really doesn't do anything and the movie just ends. The football team captain tries to rape Katie Holmes, telling her to "give up the plate". The fuck saying is that? Is that supposed to be a baseball reference? From the football captain? Other nonsense sports phrase: one of the kids tells a brainwash victim to "be the ball", despite him not playing sports. In fact, we never see anyone play sports. You get a letter jacket when you're brainwashed but that's it. At the end, the protagonist repeats, "Be the ball," to the villain before pushing him off a cliff. What?? The villain never said that, and what does it have to do with being pushed off a cliff? For throwing someone's words back at them to work, they have to: A) actually be their words, and B.) ironically apply to the situation. The ending (spoiler): protagonist and Holmes are going to run away from town before they get brainwashed. Villain tries to stop them. Villain and all the brainwashed kids are killed. Everyone involved in the brainwashing is now dead. Protagonist and Katie Holmes still run away anyway, rather than say go back to their parents, explain the whole thing, expose the brainwashing facility, and clear their names since they must be the prime suspects in multiple murders. Speaking of spoilers, they set it up halfway that the janitor's sonic rodent repellent machine causes a short circuit in the mind control implants. So at the end, he unveils an entire truck full of the things on full blast. So the plan is to use that to short out the mind control implants so everyone goes back to normal? Nope! All they do is cause the brainwashed kids to go insane with pain and chase after the truck to destroy the machines. The janitor waits until they're all swarmed on his truck before driving it off a cliff and taking them all with him! So basically the plan was to murder all the kids, no different from just getting a gun and shooting them all. So yeah the movie was a mess. The Faculty is far from a classic, but it got right everything this movie flubbed. It knew how to crib from Invasion of the Body Snatchers by starting with a sense of normalcy that's shattered as more and more people are taken over until it's just a handful of normal people left. Disturbing Behavior starts out with the clique committing double homicide in the very first scene and over the course of the entire movie, adds a whopping 2 more people to the clique through brainwashing. All they had to do was add a measly 2 minutes of footage showing how more and more kids in the school were wearing the brainwashed blue letter jackets until the entire school was taken over. Just 2 minutes would have gone so far in making a better movie. Damn though I forgot how hot Katie Holmes was back in the day. It must say something how godawful terrible The Gift was when nobody went to see it despite it being her topless debute at the height of her popularity.

Jeff Goldblume unthinkable as a rapey character? Have we so quickly forgotten one of his earliest roles as the rapist thug from Death Wish?

Oh man, Renny Harlin. The most consistently terrible director since Paul W.S. Anderson and Brett Ratner. From his bio: Yes, you read that right. He got his start with a Finnish film they tried to get Chuck Norris for but had to settle for Mike Norris, and it peaked at #9. Then he made a low budget movie that ran with 42 copies. HE WAS IMMEDIATELY GIVEN THE JOB OF DIRECTING NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET AT THE HEIGHT OF ITS POPULARITY. So many episodes coudl be done about his filmography: Die Hard 2- By far the worst of the trilogy (4 & 5 never happened). Inexplicable 5 minute long male ass shot. "Wacky" janitor character. Awful dialog with Dennis Franz. The ending flaming jet line of jet fuel. Cutthroat Island- For a while it held the record of biggest bomb in movie history. The movie that destroyed Geena Davis' career. Watch as her marriage to Renny dragged her down into oblivion; she was in so many of his terrible movies. Driven- Godawful Stallone racing movie. Picture Days of Thunder dumbed down through the Stallone filter. Almost as homoerotic as Tango & Cash. The Covenant- "The Craft with dudes", except with less of a story. Whereas The Craft was a magical twist on the cruel social atmosphere adolescent girls subject each other to, The Covenant is about...uuhhhhh. Warlocks have magic powers that age you the more you use them, so the guys waste it on blowing up girls' skirts. Except it never does age them so oh well. Villain uses powers like crazy and passes for a high school student even though he's in his 20s. Final showdown is throwing around the lamest fireballs you'll ever see. Hero is holding his own against the villain, then "ascends" by absorbing his father's power, gets no visible boost in power but immediately wipes the floor with the villain by doing the exact same thing he was doing before.

Was listening to old episodes when I revisited this one. Natasha Leggero was one of my favorite guests. To answer the question "Do guys find modern day Angelina hot?", that would be "sort of". Purely looks wise she's beautiful, but her bland trying too hard psycho chick attitude ruins any appeal. Anyway, I had no idea how old she actually was and assumed mid to late 40s given the desperation of the plastic surgery and all the talk in the episode how her hair was too long for her age. Then I just found out she's only THIRTY-NINE! Meaning when this episode and movie were made she was only in her MID-THIRTIES. Damn, she's 2nd to Lindsey Lohan for looking way beyond her age. A distant 2nd, but 2nd none the less.

Okay, the plot and theme of this movie aren't THAT out there. In fact, it's almost an exact melding of Logan's Run and Dune, and not really any more trippy. A high technology society needs resources outside its domain to maintain their cushy lifestyle while not dirtying their own hands, so they cut a deal with local warlords to supply them with weapons so they can control the local destitute population and ship the resources back. The allegory is about as obvious as Dune's "conflict over a desert area containing a vital natural resource and local jihadi populations". The only slightly confusing part was the high tech society of immortal telepaths. That embodied the typical generation clash, the younger generation's frustration that the older, ruling class doesn't just step aside and die already (you hear it today with people saying gay marriage and religion won't be an issue once the boomers die off). They're stuck in groupthink (communal telepathy), all free thinkers are punished, stuck reliving some reactionary bygone era (the aged immortals forever dancing at a party), and a totally puritan hostile attitude towards sex (pretty much every imperialistic society for the past 2000 years). Immortality and its stagnation went against the natural order of things, so a group of the immortals engineered Zed to destroy the system by making him immune to the telepathy powers. Zed was able to destroy the computer since it was the collective consciousness of the immortals, and all the immortals secretly WANTED to die. Once their immortality was gone, the cycle of life went back to normal. People instantly started fucking and dying again. It's summed up by Zed and that chick having a child at the end, watching him leave, then growing old and dying together. I love a lot of the over the top aspects of this movie, but it's really not any more trippy and impossible to understand than any classic sci fi like 2001 or Dune. I guess maybe in comparison to modern sci-fi stinkers with on the nose commentary like Surrogates and Ellysium.

If any one scene sums up the crazy of this movie, it's the elephant scene.

Well now I feel bad. I had said Kurt Russel had dislocated his shoulder in T&C based off my 24 year old memory. Someone else correctly pointed out it was a slipped disc, but I got all the credit! Now I'm going to take a minute and defend Zardoz. There's hilariously insane stuff in there, but as far as 60s/70s sci fi movies go, it's not too much trippier than 2001 or Logan's Run. As far as it not making sense, I thought it was a pretty obvious allegory of Western imperialism by proxy (first world countries arming native warlords to pillage as they please, as long as the bulk of the resources came back to them) and the younger generations fed up with the ruling class (praying for the older generation to just die off already). The driving force behind this imperialism? Good old fashioned Victorian sexual repression and Puritanism, where you can kill, enslave, and plunder all you want, but got forbid anyone take pleasure in sex.

They did cover that, and no, they did nothing to clear their names. Although...I guess you could assume that they got the audio expert to confess that the tapes were faked? I forget if they covered this part though: what was the LAPD doing with not only a Q Branch bullet proof "RV from hell", but why was there a mounted GATLING GUN on the thing? Does a police department really have a need to mow down waves of people like blades of grass, or taking out soft target vehicles from a mile away? Even the freaking military doesn't use them in anything short of an attack aircraft. And speaking of that...not only did they 100% for sure rip off the Stevie Wonder driving joke from 1988's Die Hard, but they ripped off the RV joke too! A villain in Die Hard jokingly calls the LAPD armored vehicle an RV, Cash jokingly calls the LAPD super truck "the RV from hell". One weird thing that stuck out. Tango and Cash were heroes, everyone on the force loved them, and everyone on the force thought their trial was total bullshit. You would think they had some contacts and friends at the department they could get in touch with to help them without fear of being turned in. And here's ANOTHER thing, they have this giant manhunt looking for them...for what exactly? Remember, they were supposed to be on a short slap on the wrist sentence to a minimum security facility. THIS WAS ON COURT RECORD. It was only Jack Palance making a bribe to a bureaucrat to pull a last minute switcheroo during their transfer. Wouldn't the jig be up the instant Tango and Cash broke out and told someone what really happened? All it would have taken is having a cop buddy or someone take half a day to look into the minimum security facility they were supposed to have gone to and discover that they had never arrived. What was the manhunt going to do, arrest them for breaking out of a prison they shouldn't have been at in the first place? No matter what, any action would have exposed the presumed bribed bureaucrat who fudged the paperwork sending them to Flaming Penetentiary.

Technically the exact same joke, but missing the little things like "context", "delivery", and "making sense".

Where do Bond villains keep hiring these hunchmen who are willing to work on super doomsday weapons? Who would willingly work on a project to start a massive earthquake that would sink a huge chunk of California coast and killing millions? The most ridiculous instance was in Tomorrow Never Dies where the media mogul wants to start World War III between nuclear powers so he can...sell more newspapers? Get higher TV ratings? The most believable? Goldeneye. Everyone is looking at a huge cash out for cleaning out the bank of London and erasing all trace back to them, plus it was an EMP pulse so it's not like they were vaporizing an entire city.

I'm almost positive they ripped that joke off from Die Hard which had come out the previous year. As far as T&C being good for the time, absolutely not. Far, FAR better 80s action movies that came out before T&C: Die Hard Robocop Predator Terminator Aliens T&C wasn't even the best cheesy 80s action movie because for that you had Commando, The Running Man, Conan, or various Golan Globus films. American Ninja, anyone?

Tango & Cash was #2 on my HDTGM wishlist.#1 is still bringing back Pete Holmes and dueling Pacino impressions with Jason for Any Given Sunday. That movie is even more insane than 88 Minutes. It's set up as a straight up sports movie, but it's football as seen through the XFL, and Oliver Stone directs it in the exact same surreal psychedelic style as Natural Born Killers. Every single play ends in either a career ending injury (eyeball popping!) or a touch down.And the Pacino monologues. Monologues galore.

It wasn't just Tango & Cash, but EVERY 80s action movie that had crazy homoerotic undertones going on. They all carried the flavor of misogyny that women make men weak, so they had to be excluded to have the most manliest men ever. I have no clue how horror movies came to exemplify the "all sluts must be killed off" trope when it was much more common in 80s action movies. In these movies, women are just beards or a surrogate to release the gay tension between the male lead and his hate buddy in a socially acceptable way. Top Gun is probably the best known example of super 80s action homoeroticism (Goose is killed the instant a woman enters his life, and the flirting between Cruise and Kilmer is legendary), with the top honors going to Red Heat (opening scene is a bathhouse fight) and Showdown in Little Tokyo (male lead to the other male lead, "Just in case we don't make it out of this, I want you to know you have the biggest dick I've ever seen."). For further entertaining reading, Ruthlessreviews.com has the most comprehensive catalog of 80s action movies, broken down by homoeroticism, body count, and overt fascist right wing messages. http://www.ruthlessr...-to-80s-action/ Here's what they have to say about Tango & Cash:

Explanation for "massage" scene where Stallone is watching what looks like his sister fucking Russell: Russell's character had dislocated his shoulder from when he jumped off the zip line during the prison escape. She wasn't giving him a massage, but was pushing the bone back in, hence the "it's going in!" line. Her screaming was from being grossed out by it, which of course has to sound exactly like sexual ecstasy for this HILARIOUS GENIUS HIGH COMEDY bit to work. Just imagine the brainstorming that had to go on and all the plot points to be established just for this one Three's Company style misunderstanding gag.

A View to a Kill the worst Bond movie? Objectively? No. The answer will always be a tossup between On Her Majesty's Secret Service (TWO AND A HALF HOURS of watching Bond on the verge of tears) and Live and Let Die (making A View to a Kill not even the worst Roger Moore Bond movie). Personally? At least the Moore movies were fun camp. I always thought a lot of the Connery ones were straight up dull. Most of them are glorified Club Med ads as he just cruises around checking in to different resorts. Goldeneye was the best one, balanced out by all the other Pierce Brosnan ones being some of the worst. And I can't get over how massively overrated the Daniel Craig ones are. They're caught in this awkward limbo between trying to be Bourne Identity serious and traditional Bond spectacle.

"I really hoped you saved his number." "Got it on speed dial." File this under SHIT THAT MILLENNIALS HAVE NEVER SAID. A 2012 movie about cellphones, texting, and video chat where teens are using obsolete telecommunication terms from the 1990s. You might as well have had them talking about answering machines. Way to let everyone know a baby boomer wrote the script. Here's how that conversation actually would have played out: "I really hoped you saved his number." "Why wouldn't his number be saved? Every number is automatically stored because I HAVE A FUCKING CELL PHONE. Anyways, I hooked up so hard that I have him on speed dial." "Speed dial? Now who's a fucking square, GRANDMA? Grandma WHORE!" Also, the awful acting of the Brazilian argument scene gave me a flashback to the police interrogation of Lindsey Lohan in I Know Who Killed Me. Lohan and Cyrus both hit the exact same bad acting stutter as they try to act outraged.

When I recommend a bad movie for this podcast, not just any bad movie will do. It has to be a bad movie that makes you constantly ask WHY? Resident Evil: Retribution is one such movie. The first one was an okay B movie. Every sequel has been a string of action movies so cliche that they become self-parody. Resident Evil: Retribution manages to be even stupider. If the first movie was Return of the Living Dead, then Retribution would be Return of the Living Dead 5: Rave to Grave. Nothing makes sense. The following is a SPOILER summary. As an added bonus to how insane this movie is, 10% of this summary will be insane things I just made up off the top of my head. No one will be able to tell this from the actual plot. SPOILER . The movie opens with the aftermath of the battle against ospreys from the end of the previous movie. It is then played back in reverse slow motion. The umbrella soldiers are now Nazi stormtroopers who jump from the helicopters to shoot the prisoners, shoot nets to catch the prisoners, then shoot the prisoners who were shots with nets. Zombie dogs jump from helicopters to attack people. Alice shoots down a chopper with pennies. When it reaches the start of the battle, it plays back normally so you get to watch it a second time. Alice wakes up in a house. Her husband and daughter are having breakfast. The parents both talk to the daughter and communicate with sign language, and she both talks to them while signing. She's deaf yet speaks near perfect English? Zombies break into the house and attack. What follows is almost a shot for shot remake of the opening to the Dawn of the Dead remake. A woman who looks exactly like Michelle Rodriguez from the first movie gives her a ride but crashes. They flee to a house. The daughter hides in a closet but Alice gets killed. Alice wakes up in a bright Umbrella logo room. Jill Valentine from the previous movie nearly has her tits out with a robot spider on her cleavage. She asks Alice why she betrayed Umbrella then blasts her with a sonic weapon. This happens about 5 times. Then the power goes out and the door opens. Alice escapes but the computer reboots. She walks through a door to outdoor Tokyo. Zombies begin attacking everyone and she flees back the way she came. There is a 10 minute slo motion fight where she kills all the Tokyo zombies with a bicycle lock. She goes to a control room where everyone is dead but Ada Wong shows up. Then Wesker shows up on a monitor and says it's part of the plan to rescue Alice. They're in Umbrella's testing arctic underground test facility in Russia where they run zombie attack tests in recreations of the world's cities, all so they can use the footage for sales brochures to world governments. A rescue team shows up on the surface, comprised of every other Resident Evil character who has not yet made an appearance in the movies. They head into the facility but set bombs for 2 hours, the exact running time left in the movie, proclaiming that everything has to be over by then. Oh yeah "the Red Queen" little girl computer AI from the first movie is now running Umbrella. She sends two giant hammer zombies after them in the Tokyo area. The rescue team heads through the base's sub pens, passing the Red October. They shoot umbrella stormtroopers in what is a near exact recreation of the sub base from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Alice and Ada head into the "Suburbia" level. It's the neighborhood from her dream. They totally have time to stop at her house. She finds the dead body of her housewife self. She goes to the closet her "daughter" hid in, and a zombie meter maid pops out. Alice kills it with a broken off parking meter. Then the daughter shows up for more verbal sign language. Ada explains that they use clones with implanted memories for the simulations, and that there are thousands of Alice and daughter clones. Stormtroopers, Jill, and evil clones of all the good guys from the first movie attack them. Ada sees a rocket fired at her and has time to shoot out a circle in the floor to drop down 3 feet to avoid the explosion. Alice, who can shoot the pupils out of a person from 100 yards while doing backflips, never catches on to shoot the giant robot spider obviously controlling Jill, even after knowing from the previous movie that the robot spiders brainwash people. The rescue team arrives at the "Moscow" level. They are attacked by "Las Plagas", who are a bunch of zombie stormtroopers with guns driving Road Warrior vehicles. They have to hold out until a guy can fiddle with a laptop to find a way out, which turns out to be going out the back of the store they're holed up in. Alice and the hearing deaf girl arrive at the fake Moscow subway. Michelle Rodriguez clone from the housewife dream shows up. They don't trust her because another clone of her is one of the bad guys chasing them. She doesn't want to use a gun because her clone memories "marched against the NRA". Alice forces her to shoot a gun. "Now you're a badass." The CGI monster from the first movie eats the laptop guy. Bullets don't hurt it, but Alice shows up in a neon undercarriage lit techno car while both diegetic and non-diegetic techno music start pumping. They get into a Road Warrior chase with the Plagas zombies. The girl has to grab stray shotgun shells from the hood, just like Road Warrior. They crash back into the fake Moscow subway where Michelle Rodriguez good clone immediately announces she wants to fuck the entire rescue team. They get back to the sub pens and hop onto the elevator they came in on. The computer shuts off power to the elevator. The possibility of this happening never occurred to them in a base where the computer controls everything (except locking any of the many doors they've gone through). The CGI monster shows up, snaps Michelle Rodriguez good clone's s neck, and runs off with the faux deaf daughter. Then Jill, Michelle Rodriguez evil clone and all the other evil clones of the first movie's characters show up to shoot them. Alice announces she has to go down the elevator shaft of the self destructing base to rescue the little girl that the monster grabbed. She uses the librarian glasses and grappling hook that Ada gave her to find the little girl, who has been cocooned inside an egg pod because it wasn't already ENOUGH of a ripoff to the end of Aliens. Alice does a flip and shoots 3 bullets at the licker, which is 2% of the number shot at it before yet these manage to kill it. She tears deaf faker girl out of the egg pod cocoon. Barry from the rescue team is having a shootout with Jill and the evil clones. The clones bring out Ada as a hostage and tell Barry to surrender. Barry lights a cigar and steps out to be shot, but it was part of his plan to have the force of hundreds of bullets tearing into him knock the gun out of his hand, do a bunch of slo mo spins in the air, and fall back down to his hand so he can shoot one of the clones before dying. The bombs go off and flood the base. Two rescue team dudes, Alice, and Not Newt are driving away when the Red October bursts out of the ice. Jill, evil Michelle Rodriguez, and Ada come out. Everyone sits there as evil Michelle Rodriguez clone injects herself with las plagas, which causes her to regenerate any wound instead of becoming a Road Warrior zombie. Alice takes out two machetes from nowhere to fight Jill and her blade staff. Evil Michelle Rodriguez clone fights the rescue dudes. There are no less than half a dozen Mortal Kombat bone breaking xray attack shots. Alice and Jill flip each other in the middle of mid air flips. Jill holds Alice's head up to their snow mobile's treads, which start up on their own for absolutely no reason. Alice finally figures out to yank off the robot spider from Jill's tits. Alice gets her entire sternum xray shattered by evil Michelle Rodriguez clone, so she shoots out the ice where hundreds of underwater zombies drag evil Michelle Rodriguez clone down into the water. A helicopter picks them up and takes them to capitol hill in Washington D.C. The seemingly dead villain from the previous movies, Wesker is now the president of the United States. He super speed runs up to Alice to inject her with the T virus to give her the magic powers from the third movie back. He says the red queen computer is out to wipe out all humans and takes her outside. For some reason it's the White House now and they pull back to reveal a warzone with a concrete wall holding back thousands of zombies while dragons fly around attacking helicopters. Can you tell which 10% I made up? Does it matter? THIS MOVIE IS INSANE.