DeathToMikeyBay

Honestly, how much can some fake blood and cheap plastic shark models cost? The better question is how much MORE can it cost than bad CGI? For god's sake, they couldn't even afford real WATER. Fill up a couple coolers with water to dump during the indoor flooding scenes. And why is it in airplane scenes, the principal characters are always on the left side aisle (Airplane!, Terror at 20,000 Feet, Airport, Home Alone, Cheers season finale, etc.)?

Okay just caught this on Netflix. I only recommend a certain type of bad movie for this show, and this one definitely fits. It's one of those "How did no one see how terrible this at any stage in production?" movies. I wouldn't compare it to The Matrix. In terms of cheap futuristic sets, flat performances, flat scenes, and pointless plot, I'd say it's more like a cyberpunk version of Pluto Nash. Imagine if Pluto Nash had been darker and swapped Eddie Murphy out for Keanu Reeves...yeah. Notes: Terrible acting- I always brushed off claims of Reeves being a terrible actor, but then I had only really seen him in Bill & Ted and The Matrix. THIS movie, this movie he earns that reputation. Every seen is so bad and flat that it doesn't even feel like a first take, it feels like a dry run. Not helping things is casting Dina Myer alongside Reeves. Everyone knows her as "the topless redhead from Starship Troopers", and here you see why she never took off. Even Takeshi Kitano can't be bothered to give a crap acting in this turd. Terrible cheap sets- Everything is a dark, empty feeling set. At no point does it feel like a city. It makes the Sylvester Stallone version of Judge Dredd look like Blade Runner. Nonsense plot- So information is so valuable in the future, that people scoop out large chunks of their memory in order to make room for data and become "data couriers" who download data into their brain, where they transport to a destination for download. Reeves is supposed to be top of the line, but his brain can only hold 80 gigabytes (160 with "a doubler") - which I guess was an unimaginable amount at the time but sounds silly now - and he is in danger of brain death when he's overloaded with a whopping 320 gigabytes! This data is downloaded from a tiny mini-disc, which makes you wonder why they don't just transport the data by disc. Maybe scanners are so good in the future that you can't hide mini-discs? Nope! EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER in the movie has a scanner that detects Keanu's brain implants, including homeless bums using future boniculars. Henry Rollins- Henry plays the exact same character Dennis Leary did in Demolition Man. I guarantee you he was trying to copy Leary's monologue about how the future sucks. Ice T- At one point, in a future where cyborg implants are commonplace and 320 gigs can fit on a mini-disc, Ice T tells everyone to "turn on your VCRs". You really have to see this movie to believe how cheap, dull, and horribly acted it is. There are many portions where it just feels like a stage play.

Wow. I didn't realize until now that Connery completely gave up on making decent movies as early as 1990. Not a single good one after that, and the final five are just depressing.

So a little hobby of mine is find the most random of youtube videos with an anti-Obama/Democrats/Liberals comment. And in searching for the scene of Mr Bonestripper, I have found it.

I don't think the ponytail artist/cokehead Casey was fucking Dale the killer. I got the impression it was Bonnie/Rose, sent ahead by Dale to get Casey to lower his guard and get tied up so Dale could kill him. What I don't get about Dale's whole plan: wasn't Richie's therapy mandated by a court? What good would killing everyone do? Was it Richie could only get out of therapy if the therapist released him so the plan was to keep killing therapists until he got one that released Richie? If so, why bother kill any of the patients? (Sharon Stone wasn't a therapist in Basic Instinct. She was just a psych major who used it to become a best selling author.)

So, the hidden Color of Night / Die Hard connection. Bruce Willis is a New York native who takes a trip to Los Angeles because of woman troubles. He arrives and meets a wacky minority driver. He arrives at a gathering of coke head yuppies. The head of the gathering is murdered shortly after. He butts heads with the lead police officer but is cool with his black subordinate. The cokehead is the only other person at the gathering to be killed by the villain. But hold on, both movies have an antagonist who goes berserk after the death of........their younger brother! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!!

Here we go: The writer that the gang was impressed with was only 2nd billing. The MAIN screenwriter has done nothing but shitty erotic thrillers. This movie reminded me of Final Analysis, the OTHER shitty 90s erotic thriller about a therapist getting involved with a murder and a woman unhinged by a psycho abusive man. Did the gang see an alternate cut? I can't imagine why no one mentioned the woman giving the gun a blowjob in the very first scene! SO much time spent setting up the police Lieutenant as a corrupt coke head. Hyper active, sniffles a lot during the first meeting, used to work narcotics? Absolutely zero payoff. So much effort for yet another pointless red herring WHEN IT'S OBVIOUS WHO THE KILLER IS FROM THE VERY FIRST SCENE HE APPEARS. I really want to see the squatter's law that says you immediately get a guy's house and car if you're a house guest at the time of their death. They cut straight from the lieutenant interrogation to Bruce Willis at the house being interrogated again. Again, either the police don't need a warrant to search a house after the sole occupant turns up murdered, or it's quick and trivial to get one. Lieutenant just deciding to frisk some random dude outside the bar (was that supposed to be Whiskey a Go Go on the Sunset strip?), which the dude is resigned to. That dude has no idea it's a cop, so he's just fine with being frisked by random pedestrians? Lieutenant had permission to bug the house, but not search it? The director was trying SO HARD during the first dinner scene, cutting to her (perfect) reflection over Willis as she's talking. Music during first makeout. The out loud self-narration was totally post-Hudson Hawk Willis. Sex scene #7...cut to HANGLIDERS OUTSIDE THE WINDOW!!!! Back to sex. Fucking in your recently murdered friend’s bed. Someone else beat me to the "erection" building. What was the point to the killer dressing up like a woman and ripping off the voice of the killer from Black Christmas? He was obsessed with keeping a woman as a boy, not the other way around. Abusive mother? Nope, nothing mentioned. At any point during the pointless car chase, Willis could have just slammed the brakes and pulled over instead of risking the lives of dozens. Why does Bruce have to lie to the black cop and make up some cover story for him to check the plate of the killer's car? I'd love to have been in the editing room when the decision was made that the final seconds to the touching last shot needed a WACKY "I'm still nailed to the wall and bleeding to death" voice over from the lieutenant, which they can totally hear outside in the raging downpour that L.A. has all the time. This is out of order, but it's the biggest problem that no one has mentioned yet: SCOTT BAKULA KNEW ROSE'S SECRET! He wrote on her picture that she was a sociopath chameleon who tailored her personality to be the perfect match for each member of the therapy group. Everyone except...Richie! Okay, so it's a stretch to say Bakula should have made the Richie connection, but he already knew that the young girl he was seeing was a nut case who somehow knew enough about the personalities of the group to become the perfect match for each of them! How was this not mentioned during their conversation about having no clue who could be sending the death threats?!!!

Did anyone else guess the killer from his very first appearance? The "You should see his bed" line clinched it. How did he know what Scott Bakula's home bed looked like? Then the fact that instead of LINGERING on it like every other red herring, they quickly sweep it under the rug and hurry on to the next scene. That's how you can spot the killer in pretty much any crappy murder mystery: the character that only shows up once or twice and they quickly sweep under the rug instead of lingering on. Scream 2 & 4 are the biggest examples that come to mind. If there is an eager student type then they're definitely the killer (again, Scream 2 & 4).

Has Jane March ever NOT been naked in a movie? This is the 2nd unhinged character in group therapy played by Brad Dourif (OCD lawyer guy), the other being Billy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. He also played the mentat Piter in Dune and Wormtongue in Lord of the Rings, for another two time combo of "creepy adviser to an evil ruler". What the heck happened to Lance Henriksen between Aliens and this? They're only 8 years apart but it looks like he aged 20. Sondra was Miss Scarlet from Clue! I'm no expert on therapy, but is group therapy with strangers even a thing? I figured it was just in mental institutions where there were too many patients for 1on1 sessions. Why in the world would working professionals risk their careers and family by revealing their most damning secrets in front of a group of unhinged people? Not finishing watching yet, so this was probably covered in the episode, but why the hell does Bruce Willis all of a sudden get to inherit all of Scott Bakula's stuff? He gets his house, car, and business all because he happened to be a house guest when his friend was murdered? He gets to demand a search warrant from the police? I'm pretty sure the police DON'T need a warrant to search a place where the lone resident just turned up murdered (if they did it would be ridiculously quick and easy to get). BRUCE IS BANGING A TOTAL STRANGER ON HIS RECENTLY DECEASED FRIEND'S BED! (hang gliders!) (what is it with shitty movies and nail guns?)

Sometimes therapists will use vague details from unnamed patients to get other patients to relate. Worst psychologist in a movie goes to Dustin Hoffman in Sphere, where he divulges confidential patient material in front of said patient in a room with other people for the sole purpose of insulting her. I'm only 5 minutes in so far. Opening right with giving a blowjob to a gun barrel. Then the wonderful camera work when the woman jumps out the window. They tried to get creative showing her from below by having her lying on a clear surface. She landed on the world's strongest skylight? Nope, she's lying on the street! Oozing Pantone 185 blood. Stop me if you've heard this one. Bruce Willis lives in New York and flies to L.A. because of woman troubles, gets driven from the airport by a wacky minority character to attend a gathering of drug addict yuppies.

To expand on the Hogan sex tape, it is MENTAL: - The woman is the wife of his friend, radio host "Bubba the Love Sponge". Bubba is even there at the beginning, saying, "You guys do your thing. I'll be in the office if you need me," before leaving. At the end, he asks her how it was. - Hogan cell phone goes off during it. The ringtone is a song his daughter did. His singing daughter ringtone goes off during sex. - During the act, Hulk is obsessed with examining the canopy bed's curtains like he's shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond. - Hulk is getting ready to leave, saying he has to pick up his son. He informs the lady he just lied with that his son's girlfriend has a twin sister who called him asking about his divorce and how she wants to be the first to go out with him if it's true. Hulk has just banged his friend's wife, with her husband's consent, and is telling her how the girlfriend of his child has a twin sister who is eager to bang him. Hulkamania indeed.

As a small child growing up in the 80s, movies had me TERRIFIED of growing up. 80s movies taught me that highschool was full of roided up 30 year olds out to give me a bloody beating daily. Then, when I became an adult, there were armies of evil millionaires out to murder me with no fear of the law, because liberal puke judges kept releasing all the bad guys who Cobra arrested.

Damn, Thomas Lennon really sounds like Nick Cage this episode.

Okay wait. Go to the 36:00 mark, where Hulk and the gang are at his house watching the Battle of the Tough Guys on TV. What the hell? They're in this bright, posh mansion. Then they cut to the TV and it's this shitty 13 inch TV in what looks like a dingy trailer home. There's no way those two shots were on the same set. How much trouble would it have been to put a tv THAT A MILLIONAIRE WOULD OWN on set with the Hulk? How shitty of a set designer would you have to be to try and pass that shot off as the same scene and setting?

Jesus this hurts to watch. It's like a reverse Roadhouse meets Rocky 3 meets Robocop 2. Someone must have thought the two junior executives walking around the Roadhouse bar was hilarious, because that scene goes on FOREVER. How does a for profit company offer a tax free prize payout?

Huuuuuhhhh.....so each individual wrestler is signed to a different network, and the owning network...gets paid when he wins a match in an independent wrestling organization??? What reality is this movie taking place in? The reality where Kurt Fuller is supposed to be an imposing villain I suppose.

So wait, the premise to this movie is that professional wrestling is real, but they don't take advantage of editing to make it look any more real, and the villain is the "World Television Network" owner who wants Hulk gone because the ratings go into the toilet whenever the league's #1 superstar wins a match? And he can't just fire Hulk as the owner so he needs to find someone who can beat him in a staged match? What is going on...

Heck, seeing this in theaters isn't a big sacrifice. It's February, what else are you going to watch? February is the traditional dumping ground for the absolute worst movies of the year. The studios save their better movies for summer, spring, Halloween, Christmas, or pre-Oscar March. Speaking of crap movies, did you know that they're rebooting the Fantastic Four franchise? Why do they keep making these? Nobody asked for even the second movie, and now they're pulling an Amazing Spiderman reboot only 7 years after the last movie?

Anthony Hopkins' constant obsession was giant, odorless stool. Jodie Foster, Camryn Manheim, and Chief Miles O'Brien in a four way masturbation orgy.

I think they just had real people in makeup. Anything would have been better than the Nintendo Gamecube footage they ended up using. The first time you saw one of their faces I blinked a couple times to make sure what I was seeing was in an actual professional movie.It was Xmen Origins: Wolverine levels of bad.

What I liked about this episode was the team going back to their old format where they cover the movie in chronological order, giving a setup to each scene as they go along. Hardly any skipping around at all. It really helps follow the show, especially when they cover movies so bad that there's no way I'm going to suffer watching it.

Yeah it was just bland and lame. The worst part though, was that they had amazing practical effects all set to go. Tons of animatronic monster puppets just like the original....and then some suit decided to scrap it all and make it lame CGI. Worst live action to CGI monster decision since I am Legend. Check out the clip on youtube. I think it's called "The Thing 2011 practical effects test" or something like that. Tragic all that talent and work went to waste.

Okay, ridiculous shit checklist: - The cold opening has been discussed. My favorites was the tank somehow hitting the rear tow hitch and the tiny gravel pile launching the 20 ton truck airborne. Also loved how the CIA guy reading off the line about "if he drives another 15 minutes he'll be able to retire!" like it was a game show. - If JCVD was part of an official CIA task force, why did he have to go to some crazy arms dealer set up in a BDSM rave club to get guns? - Why did Stavros bother with the body double at the fair if he was just going to stand out in the open nearby? - Was that some abandoned hospital maturnity ward where they just left all the babies? - What the heck was "the colony"? If it was the CIA, why did they throw spies in a ridiculous prison and force them to watch news footage under threat of nerve gas instead of just putting them back in the field? If it was a private company, do they just follow secret spy missions around on the off chance they can kidnap wounded agents? - Why did JVCD have to construct the same primative workout equipment from Bloodsport? The fancy prison with underwater lasers and nerve gas thumbscanners couldn't spring for a gym? - When planning an escape, it's probably best not to practically write out the day it's happening on the calendar in your cell. - How did JCVD's rival "warden" inmate know that JCVD was going for the raft and the exact day? Even if he knew, how was he already there in a scuba suit when the lasers were only turned off the instant before JCVD hit the water? - Aside from the basketball parachute, Rodman's role as a Q type gadget maker never comes into play during the movie! - Who were all the people at his house and at the Rome wedding? The CIA? The Colony? Stavros' men? So confusing! - Back to the house, they couldn't just booby trap the place or have the assassins shoot JCVD if he showed up, they had to have a woman walking around in front of the windows 24/7 pretending to be his wife holding a bomb baby, going so far as to put the bomb baby into the crib for regularly scheduled naps? - They show a team (CIA? The Colony? Stavros' Men?) searching for the hacker monk base, then never come back to them. - Okay, walk me through Stavros' plan at the end. He has no idea that JCVD knows where he is, unless he planned for him to tail his sniper, survive the sniper and foot knife guy trying to kill him, notice a prescription for his wife, and stumble across a sect of hacker monks who could trace the prescription. He orders the wife shot so he wasn't going to do it in front of JCVD, but he decides to bury a bunch of mines with a standby tiger in the colleseum to take the baby to so he can kill it in front of JCVD just in case he happens to show up that night. Then he marks all the mines with crosses and tells JCVD about them, rendering the mines pointless. After they leave, Rodman decides to remove a bunch of crosses on the chance that they'll come back and doesn't tell JCVD, which means all he did was make the odds 50/50 that Stavros or JCVD would step on one. Keep in mind even that is pointless because apparently each mine has the power of a tactical nuke and will kill everyone in the building, which begs the question why Stavros, who planted the 20 megaton atomic mines, sat down nearby to watch the tiger fight. - Did they offer product placement to the highest bidder during post? That must be why they CGI'd in the hundreds of coke machines lined up like dominos that the colleseum obviously has. - The colony boss wants JCVD's hair and jacket because.....? Rodman distracts him with a smoke bomb because...? The boss is all happy and jokey that JCVD got away because....? - Fuck this movie edit: well shoot, just listened to the episode and they already covered most of these. Darn those guys for being so efficient. One note: I totally thought the scuba guy was the guy who hated him on the colony and his "guardian".

They had to kill time (since the main plot was only about 50 minutes of the whole movie), so they crammed in a bunch of other movies that didn't fit. The entire first hour seemed like they saw No Escape (released just 3 years before) and figured use it to kill time.

Finally finished. They probably covered all this in the episode, but.... The grenades in this movie are all tactical nukes! The 2nd biggest laugh of the movie was the grenade in the swimming pool not just creating a huge water spout, but a nuclear napalm fireball that took out the whole house! Biggest laugh? The very end. One landmine takes out the entire Roman Colosseum! I was already howling with laughter when that happened, but then they started running away from the fireball knocking down an entire domino row of Coke machines. It took me a good 5 minutes to start breathing again. P.S. What the heck was with the very end? The colony boss demands a lock of JCVD's hair and his shirt, so Rodman tosses a golden coin smoke bomb so JCVD can drive away without cutting his hair and giving away a tattered bloody shirt? Then the boss jokes around with Rodman? What? P.P.S. The pointless "foot knife" fight was a blatant ripoff of the rooftop fight scene from Jackie Chan's Who Am I?