DeathToMikeyBay

Start the drinking game rules! - Every time you see a tiger (opening logo counts) - Every basketball pun - Every allusion or euphemism for anal sex (I counted 3 "back door" hints in the first 10 minutes) - Every jarring amateur editing effect that looks like it came from Windows Movie Maker or Video Toaster - Coke product placement - Every time Rodman's hair color changes.

Fuck! I'm never going to done watching this movie because I keep stopping to laugh at just the first 4 minutes! The satellite uplink hack just to start a truck. Needlessly pushing the CIA office worker out of the way. The super awkward cut to the hangar door before the truck bursts out. Not only is the dorky cheerful guy's voice from the previous scene still going, but you have that cheesy and pointless transition of blowing out the shot from a black screen. It would have been so much more effective to just show the hangar door in silence for a couple seconds before the truck burst through out of nowhere. That blow out thing was like someone fooling around with transition effects for the first time in windows movie maker. Which brings us to... ...the title crawl! Seriously that looks like the title sequence to a public access show. Setting up the blockade to stop JCVD's truck: an armored vehicle, humvees, and...two dinky European police cars? Two dinky European police cards that skid to a stop in front of the armored vehicle like they should be the first barrier to stop a 20 ton truck. The armored vehicle's cannon firing and somehow magically hitting just the trailer hitch all the way in the back of the truck??? The tiny pile of gravel he drives over, which is enough to launch the 20 ton truck over the train cars. I need to catch my breath.

Don't ask me why, but for some reason I burst out laughing when the title came up. Scrolling title followed by double mirror scrolling titles. It looked like someone's very first crack at animating text in Final Cut. Speaking of titles, saw a movie review site that came up with a good alternate one: Ebony, Ivory, Stupidity

Since it's already bumped, I'll also chime in as this being my favorite episode. It cannot be understated how badly they need to get Pete back to do Any Given Sunday.

I will be very disappointed if this episode doesn't bring up two things: - The scene where they suffocate a guy with a plastic bag while he's underwater and can't breath anyway. - Rodman's remark that his gun "can shoot the dick off a hummingbird."

Hmmmm...okay let's go search for "Double Team". "Pussy Hunters- Jessica Fox and TSFoxxy double team Simone"? nope "Blowjob Fridays- Vanessa Luna, Boopsie (Double team blowjob)"? nope "Angela Winter, Carla Cox - Double Anal Drill Team"? nope "Double Team (1997)- Jean Claude Van Damme & Dennis Rodman"?.....close enough

Cameron's picture looks like she's trying out for the part of Jennifer Carpenter's stunt double on Dexter.

Blowjobs. Lots of them.

If I had to come up with the most early 90s thing possible, it would be Vanilla Ice in a flannel shirt dancing to the Mortal Kombat theme while hacking a computer using a virtual reality headset.

Dear Rob, There is a reason that formal artist training includes figure drawing classes. -Humans have feet to support them and do not walk on stilts. -Women's femurs do not attach directly to the spine. There is stuff between. -Women have internal organs. Some of them are located in the abdomen and take up space! -Women's shoulders do not extend 2 feet beyond their outer thighs, even with the most ridiculous 80s shoulder pads. -Not even the buffest bodybuilder has 24 pack abs. -Finally on abs, nobody has thighs twice as thick as their abdomen, let alone forearms. Nobody. The encyclopedia of everything wrong with Liefeld: the 40 worst Liefeld drawings part 1 and 2 http://www.progressi...iefeld-drawings http://www.progressi...iefeld-drawings

Listening to the old Cobra episode again, Jason's mention of childhood rumors about clowns driving around in vans to kidnap kids was definitely a thing. Child-kidnapping van drivers is a long standing urban myth. http://www.abc.net.au/news/2009-05-16/man-in-white-van-an-urban-myth/1685570 http://www.thelocal.se/20120122/38650 But especially the 80s, child endangerment hysteria was at an all time high. Satanists were everywhere: in your neighborhoods, in your daycares (McMartin preschool trial), in your Dungeons & Dragons. Every Halloween, Season of the Witch style psychopaths would be slipping cyanide and razorblades into trick or treat candy (remember parents and police told you to throw out all candy not totally sealed?). And yes, kidnappers in vans would be on the prowl for kids like the candy guy in ChittyChittyBangBang. When I was a kid, the big rumor for our town in the mid to late 80s was "the man in the yellow van". Turned out to be bogus. I think some kid just heard van rumors and mixed it up with Curious George. I have no clue how clowns entered the myth though. Dressing up as a clown is the worst thing possible for enticing kids. Nobody likes clowns.

It's important to emphasize how HUGE Mortal Kombat was at the time for anyone too young to remember. The closest modern equivalent would be Halo or Call of Duty but even those aren't as big as Mortal Kombat was. Everyone age 10-22 played it. It leaked all over pop culture (the song, the pogs, the comic books, news reports). It spurned Senator Joe Lieberman and hack lawyer Jack Thompson into launching a censor crusade. Mobs of people at arcades waiting to play. Before the internet, anyone who knew how to do the special moves was a god. Greasy dudes in black trench coats would often be selling printouts of the moves for $5 in arcades. Every gaming magazine that advertized Mortal Kombat moves on the cover quickly sold out, and half the time the moves turned out to be bogus!

If Robot Chicken is all the rejected gags too disjointed for Family Guy, then Movie 43 is all the rejected gags too drawn out for Love Guru.

I don't think there's ever been a more inept movie that was so blatantly going for an oscar grab. Hally Joel Osment (Sixth Sense) is basically Jesus and starts a movement where everyone does good deeds and the recipients "pay it forward" by doing 3 more good deeds. Kevin Spacey plays the teacher with a scarred face mentoring him, which is an exact copy of Mel Gibson's character from The Man Without a Face. Hally goes on to LITERALLY become jesus by dying to inspire others. Instant oscar, right? So the movie is horribly made with a laughable morality tale. I'd almost call it a super inept version of Timothy Green minus any trees. But what really nails the WTF factor is how crazy racist the movie is. All blacks are thugs, the kid who kills Osment is a latino gangbanger, and the moral fiber of all minority characters is judged solely on how subservient they are to whitey. This one clip sums up the whole thing. Keep in mind this is one of the "good blacks" in the movie. We know he is a good black because he knows from watching Nancy Grace that upper middle class white teenage girls are more important than him. But they can't just have him be courteous and let the girl go ahead of him in the emergency room, he has to...well just watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vERCnJ-DLw

I felt it was just mediocre. You could tell there were a ton of cut shots to get the PG-13 rating. All the mayhem scenes are full of shots that feel like they cut early. The movie blows its load in the first New York outbreak scene, everything else just goes downhill. The Israel scene is less exciting because it's all CGI. Then the "climax" is just two dozen zombies. The makers needed to watch a great zombie movie like Dawn of the Dead (2004) to learn how to properly crank up the action. Things I noted about the movie: -How did Brad Pitt get such a bland looking wife? -Say what you want about North Korea, but they come up with creative problem solving solutions. -Enough with Brad Pitt's family! Why do they think we want to see them instead of more zombies? His wife and kid's stupidity gets tons of people killed. -No way in hell does a C-130 plane have that kind of range. (Atlantic to Korea, then Korea to Israel??) -The "fend off zombies who are drawn to the noise of a tanker truck refueling a C-130" is ripped off straight from the Left 4 Dead video game! -Every single character in the movie knows that sound attracts zombies, but nobody but Brad Pitt figures out to use this to create diversions, and only at the very end. -Again, Brad Pitt is the only one to figure out something basic like using duct tape and padding to protect against zombie bites. You'd think at least one mainstream zombie movie would have someone think to get decked up in protective sports gear. Special forces soldiers who have been fighting the zombies for a week never even figured it out. -Brad Pitt is the only smart character in the movie, except when he suddenly turns stupid at the end. He has to inject himself with something but doesn't know what the different vials are and the wrong one will instantly kill him. Doctors are watching him on the security camera with a bright red power light, frustrated that he can't hear them to tell him which vial is the right one. Brad gets the idea to grab a notebook and write something for them to read. This turns out to be "Tell my family I love them", not "Turn the camera off when I point to the right vial" before taking a blind guess.

So that's 2 bad movies titled "Season of the Witch". There are 2 bad movies about a terrifying snowman titled "Jack Frost". There is an even worse movie out there about Jack Frost titled "The Santa Clause 3".

Although Movie 43 is objectively the worst, that movie was made so a bunch of uncreative hacks could brag about how bad and offensive it was supposed to be. Winning a Razzie would just give that waste of hard drive space more undue attention. There's also not much point in bashing Adam Sandler or Tyler Perry movies. At this point it's too late to save anyone who still enjoys them. Hence Worst Picture should go to After Earth. We can't give M Night the chance at a comeback. He's on the ropes, stumbling around with flashing red "FINISH HIM!" letters. Do the right thing and go for the fatality.

Hip remix of classic Frosty the Snowman song! The new bad movie trope has already paid for itself.

I'll assume the movie gets crazy fun later on, but when I tried to watch it was BORING. I managed maybe 15 minutes before I shut it off. Got up to the first Ghost Rider appearance where he gets hit by some shotgun then wakes up in the hospital. How much longer did I have to hang in there before it got good?

Talking about all the steps involved in buying a car, I realized that we all forgot another thing about Deck the Halls. Everyone was so focused on how they glossed over Danny Devito's 5 second sales pitch to the dealership owner, we didn't realize that there was no actual sale. Even if Devito is so amazing that he can convince someone to buy a car in 5 seconds, you're not bound to purchase it the instant you shout, "I'LL TAKE IT!" Not only does Devito stroll in announcing they owe him $3000 cash (another impossible unenforceable deal), but the owner walks in realizing how stupid it was to buy one of his own cars and "I paid sticker for it." You didn't buy shit! You didn't pay shit! YOU CAN STILL SAY NO, IDIOT!

Oh hey a mention in corrections and omissions! Neat. Talking about all the steps involved in buying a car, I realized that we all forgot another thing about Deck the Halls. Everyone was so focused on how they glossed over Danny Devito's 5 second sales pitch to the dealership owner, we didn't realize that there was no actual sale. Even if Devito is so amazing that he can convince someone to buy a car in 5 seconds, you're not bound to purchase it the instant you shout, "I'LL TAKE IT!" Not only does Devito stroll in announcing they owe him $3000 cash (another impossible unenforceable deal), but the owner walks in realizing how stupid it was to buy one of his own cars and "I paid sticker for it." You didn't buy shit! You didn't pay shit! YOU CAN STILL SAY NO, IDIOT!

This trailer sounds exactly like the Rob Schneider trailers from South Park.

A woman? That is Piper Perabo, star of Coyote Ugly! Another movie that desperately needs to be covered. A quick primer on Coyote Ugly

A couple more crazy things about this movie: Was the Mayor pulling executive privilege in order to be accepted into the speed skating race wearing skis & poles? Who would be dumb enough to use skis on solid ice? What the hell was the plan behind Devito's revenge against Broderick? Just like the car sale scene, it's like they weren't good enough to write it so they came up with nonsense. He cuts down the town square Christmas tree, puts it in Broderick's house, and forges his signature to sell a car. I thought he was going to frame Broderick by immediately reporting him to the police for vandalizing the tree. But he didn't so...what was the point? How was dumping stolen public property in his living room as a gift going to get revenge if no one ever found out? How did Broderick or his family not notice the Marilyn Monroe statue on top of the tree? How the hell did Devito cut down a brightly lit tree in the wide open town square with a gas chainsaw without anyone hearing or noticing? What the hell kind of car deal requires you to make payments the very next day or the police come to arrest you??!?! How could any writer be so dumb to figure that there's nothing more to selling a car than a forged signature?* How would Devito not be busted the instant Broderick reports it to his boss, and at the very least get fired if not brought up on criminal charges? Why was the manager's office not the first place Broderick went to? Oh wait because this movie is terrible. I went and looked up the writers, all 3 of them (I have yet to find a good movie that had more than 2 credited writers). Two of them only did this movie and a TV show called Covert Affairs, which must be the worst piece of garbage on the air. The third writer? Hoo boy, get ready. Look upon Don Rhymer and despair Big Momma's House, The Santa Clause 2, Agent Cody Banks 2, The Honeymooners (Cedric the Entertainer version), Big Momma's House 2, Deck the Halls, Surf's Up, Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son, Rio, Rio 2. The guy's entire career is the Big Momma trilogy(!) and bottom of the garbage barrel kids' movies. This is the worst HDTGM writing credit I've seen besides John Brancato and Michael Ferris (Catwoman). * The dumbest car sale in a movie goes to Steven Seagal's Half Past Dead, in which Morris Chestnut just tosses a duffle bag of cash at the salesman before driving the car right out of the showroom.

- DJ turntable, record scratching