DeathToMikeyBay

I think 3 things can be added to the common bad movie tropes list: - Crazy foreign couple minor characters - "hip" remixes of classic songs (usually the whitest interpretation of hip hop) - a pair of twins minor characters (Social Network is really the only exception)

Oh god now I have to finish watching this movie in 5 minute chunks... You know, there are some parts that would be halfway decent if it wasn't for Broderick's inexplicable blase performance. The line about "Who moves in at the middle of the night? A meth lab?" That joke could have worked delivered by Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation. Speaking of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, I realized that Deck the Halls is the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead of that movie. It's from the perspective of the two yuppie neighbor characters, only the Griswald's are gone and there's just Uncle Eddy's family arriving in the broke down RV. Danny Devito is actually trying in this movie, especially in comparison to Broderick's sleepwalking. Broderick as an uptight perfectionist ready to snap because of an upbeat monster? Did somebody pitch this movie as a sequel to Election? 10 minutes: The whole scene where the wife and kids come over and meet Devito's wife and kids. They go for the joke that the wife and daughters are jaw dropping hot, but never acknowledge her giant rack and cleavage hanging out. Instead they go with the son gawking at a nude painting and the wife pushing her butt for a boost? How inept a writer and director do you have to be to go with that? The editing is also garbage. It's like they decided to throw in the joke about them being hot after they had already shot, so they went back and got a bunch of cutaway closeups of the son and wife gawking and clumsily edited them in (they're so out of place). It's like they were going for the opening scene of Clue where everyone is staring at the maid's cleavage but failed horribly. That seems like a common theme with this movie. They thought what they could do for jokes after they already shot the scenes so they went back and shot a bunch of bad reaction shots to splice in. 10-120 minutes: fuck this movie

Dayum. This is their first movie I hadn't seen so I actually went and watched it first. Fuuuuuck. I can only do it in 5 minute chunks. Right off the bat the scene with him walking down the street greeting everyone with lame gag after lame gag. Only two and a half minutes in and I'm already saying, "Fuck this movie." The way he greets everyone reminded me of HDTGM's 88 Minutes episode with Pacino greeting everyone he sees by name. Then Broderick gets home and his wife is the only attractive woman from Sex & the City. At exactly the 5 minute mark, he lays out a ton of flat exposition to her that's just summary of the previous 5 minutes (the entire movie up until now). And that's the first 5 minute chunk check out. Fuck this movie. Merry Christmas.

Okay, now that they've done Batman & Robin and Jingle All the Way, they HAVE to complete the Arnold mid 90s crap trilogy with Junior. At the very least it will give Jason revenge for the Leonardo da Vinci cracks once they see the Paul Scheer lookalike baby.

Paul, would you describe the farting, sex novel writing man next to you on the plane as someone who would hang out in cigar shops? Deck the Halls trailer...my god. It just ran the entire gambit of obnoxious trailer soundtracks. Any one of them should be a huge red flag: -Calm music--->record scratch (my monocle has popped out!) -The Nutcracker Suite (zany antics!) -Generic "badass" electric guitar (this means war!) -"Hip" beats (we know how to get down with the kids) -Music get unplugged (alternate version of record scratch) -Nutcracker Suite...again -Characters screaming drowning out everything else -"Hip" remix of classic song Pitch meeting for this movie: INT. CIGAR SHOP - DAY A grizzled bear of a man chomps down on a bitchin Cuban stogie. SMOKER Ok, so it's National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but it's only the parts about the lights and yuppie neighbors! Oh yeah, and none of the jokes either. Fuckin' A!

Man, what happened to Matthew Broderick? I'm trying to remember his last remotely decent movie. Election?

Movie title instead of an actor, but I feel it should get a mention somewhere that two totally different movies both called "Season of the Witch" have been covered.

There's a definite element of teasing to flirting, but anyone who has to use ten billion acronyms to describe social interaction probably shouldn't be listened to. It's hard to tell who's more in love with acronyms: World of Warcraft players, the military, or PUAs. (If you're going to start a book burning though, be sure to toss in all copies of The Rules along with The Game) ANYWAYS, just rewatched this movie again: - Again, wtf "free will"? The devil RAPES his wife, kills Jeffery Jones before he can act on his will, and kills Weaver before he can prosecute his firm. Jeffery Jones can maybe be explained away as he made a deal with the devil and could be killed for going back on it, but Charlize rape and Weaver murder? And can inducing horrific demon hallucinations in someone until they kill themselves really be considered free will? The whole point of the devil is exposing the selfish desires of man. Forcing insanity on someone is cheating, dude. - So you're soaked in the still warm blood of your wife. Aren't you in the mood to fuck this beautiful woman? No? How about I sweeten the deal by fondling her while telling you I'm your father? Does dad watching get you hot? Still no? How about I throw in the fact that she's your sister? What do you mean "answer's still no"? Okay okay, for a limited time only, I guarantee that she's ovulating right now and will become pregnant with your incestuous child who will destroy the world! Doesn't that make you just want to rip your clothes off? - Totally disagree that the devil keep putting him in a time loop. Keanu kills himself, and the devil is so distraught that he appeals to god for the first time since he fell. That's why he transformed into a younger angel version of himself. God took pity and reset everything and of course the devil is going to make a 2nd try at it, coming from a different angle. - Charlize morphing into Keanu's sister was just him fantasizing after being captivated by the woman at work, and becoming fed up with his wife's mental state. - The monologue on Jeffery Jones made sense to me. It was bashing god's creation by pointing out how far people would go to fuck over everything just to get ahead and how it's reached unsustainable levels in the modern era.

Have you ever noticed that starring in a "family" movie is pretty much a death sentence for any actor? If not fatal, then it takes many many years for them to recover. Jackie Chan: The Spy Next Door Cuba Gooding Jr: Snow Dogs Antonio Banderas: Spy Kids Dwayne Johnson: The Tooth Fairy, Race to Witch Mountain (he just recently started to recover with Fast & the Furious)

Oh god, I forgot a horrific part. So the villains are clearly Nazis. They want to get rid of all the brand name food icon characters. "Send them to the expiration station!" the head Nazi orders. What do they call the food icons? "Ikes" ...."ikes" What does that rhyme with? Sending "ikes" to the "expiration station". THIS WAS A CHILDREN'S MOVIE! As a warm up to the literal holocaust, you get the black sidekick bragging that he's going to give one big titted woman a chocolate frosting facial, and bragging to another big titted woman about cumming in her mouth. This is on top of the Charlie Sheen dog talking about how to clean out bodily fluid stains to another big titted woman, right after yet another big titted woman teased him for being after her "raisins". End credits? A bird tries to get it on with a big titted penguin but freaks out when he can't get it up.

Someone recut a trailer to make it a movie about a tight assed dickhead who rolled into fun-loving Jasper to stomp out everyone's good time. Which...was kind of the actual plot.

Another instance of badly needing to "Norbit it up": got through watching The Tudors on netflix. I was really looking forward to the last season seeing Johnathen Rhys Meyers playing old jowly Henry VIII. Never happened! They barely put old people makeup on anyone! He just hunches over and talks in a gravely voice while looking almost the same as when he was supposed to be 30! It was like in Back to the Future where they did a decent job making everyone look old in 1985 except for George McFly who they just threw glasses on. I was expecting Old Biff, but Tudors gave me George McFly. Norbit it up, Hollywood.

God dammit. I broke down and checked out this movie again for the first time in over 10 years. This whole movie is like if Twin Peaks was nothing but the dancing scenes Mercury Rising might have been a duller movie, but Hudson Hawk just filled me with raw rage. Almost every scene makes you want to stand up and shout, "Oh fuck you, movie." You can't have a heist movie without tension. As soon as you introduce Looney Toons logic that anything can happen, there's no more tension. You also need unexpected obstacles and things going wrong. New things need to come up during planning that get in the way. Things need to go wrong during the heist, forcing them to improvise. One super detailed heist is more fun to watch than five quick and easy heists. You maybe show ONE quick and easy heist at the beginning to establish the thieves and how good they are, then you focus on the main heist the rest of the time. Even all that could be forgiven as a goofball comedy if the jokes were funny. But.....yeah.

I feel like the whole movie gag of "someone traveling with an unconventional vehicle going unconventional speeds manages to toss correct change into the toll booth" was specifically a late 80s / early 90s thing. I remembered Scrooged did it and if I thought about it some more I'm sure others would come up. Weird that movie makers chose that period to resurrect a live action Looney Toons bit.

Whoah! Looks like they got their first 5 star amazon reviewer to visit the board! You realize they've done at least a dozen other "comedies"? Calling yourself a comedy is not a free pass to be terrible. The Love Guru and Tomcats called themselves comedies too. Hudson Hawk isn't terrible for not being a serious Igmar Bergman treatise on the subjective nature of madness, it's terrible for trying too hard with D.O.A jokes, forced quirks, and a severe lack of editing.

Here's what's odd to me. If you read the shooting script to Die Hard, you'll spot so many scenes where classic lines and jokes were missing. Bruce Willis came up with stuff on set and improved the scene every time. Like in the end with the gun tape, the script just had some generic tough guy line, but Willis just started cracking up during the take and the other actors played along to end up with an improved final cut. Like the crew pointed out, you can tell so many scenes and lines in Hudson Hawk were made up on the spot. "Wouldn't it be funny if..." I'm not surprised What About Steve ended up the way it did when they allowed Bullock to do that, but how did it happen when they let Willis? A guy with a proven track record of improving scenes? I guess it comes down the director being talented enough to know what works. When to say no, and when to keep or chuck things in the editing room. Hudson Hawk was Michael Lehmann's 2nd movie ever after Heathers. He did Airheads after that, then proceeded to do nothing but TV and some of the worst romantic comedies ever made.

Paul's vendetta against cigar shop patrons continues.

I just have to get this out: why all the hate for Waterworld? It's nowhere near the same league as Ishtar or Pluto Nash. Yeah it was the most expensive flop for the time and Kevin Costner has some serious underacting, but as far as mindless summer blockbuster action movies go? It was above average with fantastic sets and action scenes. What is Waterworld (and its also hated twin, The Postman) being compared to in order to earn the infamy? There are at least 3 worse movies released every summer. The Transformers movies have been the low mark for 8 years now yet everyone keeps referring back to Waterworld as worst summer flick. Heck, I'm not ashamed to say that Waterworld and Postman are better than Avatar.

Oh geez, Paul Walker just died in a car crash

A lot of terrible movies are funny because it's inept people trying to be serious. Hudson Hawk is one of those terrible movies where you see what happens when inept people are trying SO HARD to be funny.

When are they getting this Arscheerio guy on as a HDTGM guest?

I want the entire works of Brancato and Ferris done! No one ever replied http://forum.earwolf.com/topic/11376-the-entire-works-of-brancato-and-ferris-of-catwoman-fame/page__hl__brancato__fromsearch__1 Seriously, look at that list. The two are a guaranteed duo of jaw dropping terrible. Did you notice HDTGM favorite Catwoman up there? The only other current writing duo as bad as them are Marianne and Cormac Wibberly: The 6th Day Charlie's Angels Full Throttle Both National Treasure movies Bad Boys II I Spy The Shaggy Dog remake G-Force Not only are they terrible, but they frequently collaborate with the worst writers in the business. Take a look at the other writers they worked with on I Spy and what they went on to do: National Security Norbit(!!!!!!) Zookeeper(!!!!!!) Smurfs 1 & 2 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) They are a force of pure evil that must be carefully studied.

The odd portrayal of computers in movies: 80s - MAGICAL portals to fantasy miracles and new worlds (TRON, Weird Science) or global dominance (War Games). 90s - Everything can be HACKED! Computers are no longer magical, but they control all the little things in life. Huge hacking efforts are not used to take over the world, but to track individuals and ruin their lives (Hackers, The Net). More in line with the X-files led conspiracy paranoia of the 90s, where imaginations ran wild on what the new enemy would be in the time between the fall of the Soviet Union and 9/11.

http://fyi.earwolf.com/ It's tough to decide which is worse: people trying hard for a horrible goal, or people not trying at all. These Tim Allen holiday movies represent the former. The Vince Vaughn selection shows the latter. Christmas with the Kranks is a cast trying really hard to pull off a horrible conformist message while Four Christmases/Fred Clause is the definition of not giving a fuck. It was a tough choice but I decided to stick it to fascists and voted for Kranks.

Nah. The turkey puppet still looks better than screen saver birds, it doesn't have a sound break after every cut, and lacks Birdemic's SUBTLE social commentary.