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DeathToMikeyBay

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Posts posted by DeathToMikeyBay

  1. Posted

    AND during the whole movie, you think they could come up with all sorts of cool ways for the villain to fight and pick off the hero's friends. They are using MAGIC that can do ANYTHING. Telekinesis? Shoot flaming snakes? Sure!

     

    But no. All that happens is one guy imagines he sees a bunch of spiders and another guy crashes his motorcycle.

     

    And yeah, I forgot they don't even use fireballs at the end. Just little air bubbles that make the special effects in Last Airbender look fantastic.

  2. Posted

    (oops. Thought this was obscure bomb so I didn't check for an old thread)

     

    So it's set in a grocery store where, after all the people leave at night, the food mascots come alive in their own city. Just like Toy Story. Much of the budget was to be paid by the food makers for the product placements.

     

    Charlie Sheen voices an Indiana Jones dog, who is a private eye who is also Humphrey Bogart from Casablanca who owns a nightclub. A sultry femme fatale moves in, representing "Brand X" which plots to use Nazis to take over the grocery store. The femme fatale (Eva Longoria!) tries to fuck Indiana Jones dog but he turns her down because he has a sweetheart so she goes home with his best friend squirrel (he flies a plane, because he's a FLYING squirrel) to fuck him instead. The squirrel is a sure lay because he flies around town offering to bukkake every attractive woman he sees. When the Nazis take over, Indiana Jones dog teams up with his squirrel buddy along with defunct videogame character Aero the Acrobat (who is constantly trying to rape the squirrel).

     

    This climaxes in food mascots having a food fight with Nazi stormtroopers, not just with food, but with gallons of snot and shit flying everywhere.

     

    The animation looks like late 90s TV commercial CGI. The humor is cramming in hundreds of pop culture references and replacing key words with food names. Not even puns, just replacing words with names of food.

     

    Behold the condensed 15 minute version and all its horror.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-uIkcPfOCA

     

     

    The horror doesn't end there. Here's some trivia on the movie's production history:

     

    - It was scheduled to come out in 2003, but was pushed back first to 2005, then 2007, then finally came out in 2012. More on this later.

     

    - Infamously horrible working conditions. Tons and tons of VFX people talking about how working there was sheer hell. Screaming bosses, a boss' giant dog that roamed the office shitting everywhere, and only one bathroom for over 50 people. Working conditions were so bad, that some people only lasted six hours on their first day before quitting and walking out.

     

    - In 2003, the director claimed that someone had stolen the hard drives in an act of "industrial espionage". It is widely believed by those who worked there that he fabricated the story as a cover since there was no way it was going to be finished on time. Yes, the director allegedly made up a story about sabotage to cover his own ass over the delay.

     

    - The only reason the movie was eventually finished was thanks to the WGA and SAG strikes, which put a halt to episodic TV and commercials, which put a lot of VFX houses out of business, which meant there were a lot of VFX people desperate for work who would do ANYTHING that came up. Despite how desperate they were, many of them quit after 6 hours as previously mentioned.

     

    - The finished film ended up costing SIXTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. It was auctioned off for 2.5 million in 2011. In 2012, it saw a limited release in the United Kindgom where it made roughly $20,000 opening weekend. It's rumored that the estimated total international lifetime gross was under $100,000.

     

     

    The whole thing is up for free on Livestream.

     

    http://www.livestrea...charliesheendog

    • Like 2

  3. Posted

    This movie is often called "The Craft for dudes" but it's so much worse than that.

     

    It was 80% exposition as characters explained the all the countless rules to the magic, and then the rules never come into play! They're completely ignored! We're told over and over again that using the magic becomes addictive and causes you to age super fast, but all the characters use their powers constantly (to blow up women's skirts and start cars) and there are never any consequences. No one turns into an insane addict. No one ages. I think they try to explain it with yet another rule that says the aging only kicks in after your 18th birthday, but the villain was like 21, had been using his powers constantly since 18, and was still able to pass as a highschool student.

     

    So the hero is outmatched at the end, but thankfully they invent yet another rule at the very last minute that his father can will his magic away to him. You think FINALLY after such a boring movie that you're finally going to get to see an awesome magic showdown where their powers can literally do anything, but it ends up just being two guys throwing the lamest special effect fireballs at each other.

  4. Posted

    http://fyi.earwolf.com/

     

    It's tough to decide which is worse: people trying hard for a horrible goal, or people not trying at all.

     

    These Tim Allen holiday movies represent the former. The Vince Vaughn selection shows the latter.

     

    Christmas with the Kranks is a cast trying really hard to pull off a horrible conformist message while Four Christmases/Fred Clause is the definition of not giving a fuck.

     

    It was a tough choice but I decided to stick it to fascists and voted for Kranks.

  6. Posted

    Regarding the rain improving his "radar": it's like they thought instead of daredevil being blind, everything around him was invisible. If rain came down on an invisible object you'd be able to see the surfaces where the rain is hitting. If it actually was like radar the rain would make it more difficult to see, since the rain would cause a bunch of interference. Maybe the writer has a fundementally flawed idea of what blindness is.

     

    I think it's more that the writers only had seconds before passing out from coke, needed to come up with some quick plot device to let Daredevil pull through at the end, and thought, "He sees by sound. Rain drops make sound when they hit something. Submarines navigate by sound under water? Rain is made of water? Super powered rain! NAILED IT!"

     

    Problems: rain makes a ton of ambient noise that would screw up any kind of hearing that was that sensitive, and while sound travels better underwater than it does through air, it travels TERRIBLY between the two which it what it has to do when it rains. Sound is muffled trying to travel through all those droplets. The writers actually thought that rain makes it easier to hear sound. I'm guessing they were long time L.A. natives who had never been outside in the rain before.

     

    Also, even by the movie's logic the only thing rain did was let him see a little better by being able to make out small details on a person like their face. How the hell does that turn him into an invincible fighting machine? That's like saying that dressing up your opponent in a neon jumpsuit would turn you into the world's greatest boxer.

  7. Posted

    Worst movie I've ever seen in theaters. Daredevil lets someone die on the traintracks? After the famous Frank Miller sequence where he saves Bullseye from a similar fate and hates himself for it? Just months after a movie where a rampaging Hulk DOESN'T KILL A SINGLE PERSON?!?

     

    There's been a definite puss out when it comes to these movies going to G.I. Joe cartoon lengths to show no one being killed. I'd like to say the trend started with the Matrix sequels. Maybe there was a huge outcry against the justified indiscriminate cop killing in the first before, because after that you never saw a single bystander inside the matrix. Neo creating a giant vortex of crashing cars in his wake as he flies through the city? Don't worry, there aren't any more people around to hurt!

     

    The Hulk movie...ugh. I can just imagine old time Gozilla movies showing little toy soldiers bail out of all the toy planes and tanks.

  8. Posted

    On the plus side, at least he got to wear a mask, so even if he was recognized for this thing, he still might luck out and NOT be recognized for this thing. I thought I was actually on set with this guy on "Love and Other Drugs" the following year and wasn't sure if it was him, even though I KNEW he was in it. It was like "Is this that guy? I don't know if this is that guy, but it might be that guy...". Having watched the movie, I don't THINK it was him that was around that day, but maybe it was...

     

    And yeah, those other two were probably already at work on "Iron Man 2" I'd bet, and "Spirit" was just a minor misstep for everyone but Macht.

     

    Just like Karl Urban in Dredd (a movie that didn't deserve to bomb).

     

    It's funny because I can't think of 2 characters more opposed than Dr. McCoy and Judge Dredd.

    • Like 1

  9. Posted

    I just thought about this movie again today and had to bump this thread.

     

    Without a doubt, the very worst superhero movie ever made. The most retarded parts of The Shadow, Sin City, Kill Bill, and Sucker Punch all got together and had a mutant baby.

     

    For anyone questioning if this movie deserves the HDTGM treatment, I present to you this 2 minute clip and DARE you not to be begging Paul after.

     

    2 hours of this:

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGV1kmATl0E

     

     

    (I remember the trailers for this trying so hard to make it seem like another V for Vendetta. They covered up and hid all traces of the weirdness and painful humor)

  10. Posted

    I remember the thought on everyone's mind when the Fantastic Four sequel came out was "Who asked for this?" The Fantastic Four movies are up in the air with Green Lantern for worst Marvel/DC superhero movie*.

     

    The Rifftrax for F4: Rise of the Silver Surfer is hilarious though. "He vowed to only use his powers to be a dick to fellow air travelers."

     

     

    *The worst superhero movie of all time goes to The Spirit.

  11. Posted

    I'd say Woody was the dingus for deciding on the gambling scheme followed by pimping out his wife. I guess it might make sense Demi banging Redford within 3 minutes despite the "don't have to have sex" clause if she was pissed Woody would sell her?

     

    What really made the whole movie feel hollow though was the idea that a highschool sweetheart couple breaking up was this catastrophic thing that must be mended rather than a dumb mistake doomed to fail.

  13. Posted

    I feel like you could spend an entire episode just talking about the playground fight scene, which is supposed to be Afleck and Garner's "meet cute" for the movie. The thing played out like a direct to video Matrix ripoff. Another half episode could be spent just on the song that plays during the scene. The only thing keeping the soundtrack from being the ultimate entry into the early 00s hall of shame is the absence of Drowning Pool's Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.

     

    The only other thing I walked away from this movie with was the weird notion that Daredevil became supepowered when it rained like Popeye eating spinach. Just from this movie you would swear his name would be "Aqua Man" or something. It's doubly dumb because they establish that Daredevil sees through sound so you figure he would be blinded when it rains, from the noise (a passing subway car blinds and pains him, but millions of splashing raindrops and thunder doesn't?) and the fact that sound travels terribly through rain; those droplets absorb and muffle sound.

    • Like 1

  15. Posted

    Yeah. Unintentional humor never survives contact with self-awareness.

     

    When an inept person tries to create something serious, it can be hilarious.

     

    When an inept person tries to be funny, it's awful.

     

    The movie was way too self aware. It's like they just went over a checklist of moments from the first movie to reference or wink at. You can plainly see all the extras laughing during the bird attack scenes.

     

    Birdemic was lightning in a bottle. The magic is gone. Let us remember it for what it was, not mourn what it became.

    • Like 1

  16. Posted

    My favorite HDTGM episodes are from "stealth" bad movies. Movies that might seem lame or ordinary at first glance or when you first watched it, but once you take a second look you realize how INSANELY awful they are. 88 Minutes? "Some forgettable cop thriller." Toys? "It's just WIlly Wonka with toys instead of candy, right?"

     

    Indecent Proposal? "It was some adult morality tale that I usually only watched the first 5 minutes of as a teenager to see Demi's boobs."

     

    WRONG!

     

    What made me check out this movie again was learning that it had lead the 1993 Razzies with 7 nominations and 3 wins. "Huh? It wasn't my kind of movie, but I don't remember it seeming that bad. Wasn't it pop culture famous for the time?" So I checked it out on Netflix instant.

     

    Wow

     

    - Awful awful terrible writing. Like, Twilight level bad writing. You have to suffer watching Woody Harrelson act out Twilight quality writing. One scene where he flips out at Demi is barely one step above "You're tearing me apart, Lisa!".

     

    - Right from the opening love scene, you can see how well deserved the nomination for worst soundtrack came from. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wd1OwbzHPBk)

     

    - Woody and Demi's plan for affording their dream house is to gamble their life savings at Vegas. The first night, they easily win $25,000. Woody declares that all they have to do tomorrow is double it and it should only take 2 hours. What makes the scene hilarious isn't that they say it in the moment caught up in the excitement, but while Woody wears his reading glasses pretending to pour over a pile of financial documents. The movie proposals that expecting to double your money in 2 hours at a casino is a perfectly rational conclusion after hours of pouring over paperwork and punching the numbers.

     

    - In the same scene, Demi is rolling around bed tossing around all the money they won. It's only $25,000. Not quite enough to take a bath in. Not only that, this is their entire life savings that wouldn't even support them for half a year if they lost their jobs, and they're casually throwing it around their hotel room. They probably lost a couple grand under the bed or inbetween the sheets.

     

    - They then have sex, and Woody is smearing wads of the money all over Demi's ass and inside her panties. Dude.

     

    - Their solid plan of doubling their life savings in 2 hours? Roulette! One of the statistically worst casino games to play! In a game where zero skill comes into play! You might as well gamble your life savings away on slot machines.

     

    - Sorry, I'm still not done with the gambling scenes. Where the hell did Woody get "2 hours"? Probability wise, your best odds of winning money on a pure chance game is to just bet everything at once. The more bets you make, the more the law of averages kicks in which guarantees you lose money. While I'm sure no casino lets unknowns bet $25,000 per roulette play, it sure as hell wouldn't take 2 hours to double or bust at max bets.

     

    - Seriously, ROULETTE??? What was the master plan for their financial future, just keep betting on black?

     

    - You have long time character actor Oliver Platt as the comedy relief lawyer who seems like he stepped off a light rom com like The Backup Plan more than this serious morality tale. "You sold your wife? How you do such a thing....without letting me negotiate first! You could have gotten twice that for her!" *sad trumpet noise* It's like sticking a wacky joke character into The Crying Game or Unfaithful.

     

    - They lose all their savings and decide to accept Redford's proposal of $1 million "for one night with your wife". The lawyer works into the contract that they get the money even if there's no sex. Despite that, Demi is banging him within 3 minutes of meeting him on his boat. Redford's secret technique? Flipping a coin.

     

    - Redford and Demi attend a charity auction for endangered animals, MC'd by Head of the Class' Billy Connolly (the poor man's John Cleese) telling terrible jokes. He then proceeds to verbally bash all the animals the event is trying to save!

     

    - This movie was directed by the great Adrien Lynn! SO UPSETTING

     

    - The author of the novel it was based on never wrote another book.

     

    - The screenwriter who adapted it also wrote Slumber Party Massacre and all FIVE of the Beethoven movies!!!

     

     

    Yeah, HDTGM could have a run with this one.

  18. Posted

     

    They did talk about that part, it's where they're joking about Laura Linney having such good aim and then someone points out that the missiles are heat-seeking.

     

    Geez. My brain not only wiped most of the movie, but most of its roasting!

     

    Somehow, the idea that a single hand flare being enough to fool missiles 100% of the time struck me as the silliest part of this movie.

     

    You'd think with all the money this hi tech company was throwing around, it would have been a lot easier to just bribe the Zaire military for safe passage.

    • Like 1

  20. Posted

    To the guy wondering why they didn't just use white latex for the skull masks: when painting a 3 dimensional object that has a lot of dark recesses, a lot of the time it's easier to just start the object all black and then only paint the raised areas to create a quick and cheap (the whole point of a mass produced product) shadow effect as less colored paint means more of the black shows through.

     

    There, the movie makes TOTAL SENSE now.

  22. Posted

    Oh shit. That explains why there was no mini-sode this week.

     

    I'd just like to take this chance to air out a horror movie pet peeve.

     

    I always thought the whole "horror movies are about punishing sex" trope has less to do with anything in the human psyche, and more to do with everyone not only ripping off Halloween, but not "getting it" in the process. Killing young couples having sex was part of Myers' character, resulting from a child's warped connection to his sister and catching her with another boy. All the knockoffs just figured "sex = death" and mindlessly ran with it.

     

    Friday the 13th tried to make some connection with why the killer went after fornicating couples. It was loose, but it tried.

     

    Then Wes Craven entered the slasher ring. He already had some twisted views on sex (Last House on the Left, anyone?), and popularized the whole "sex = death" trope we know today. Then he had the gall with Scream to declare that it had always been a mindless staple, dating back to the movie Halloween. No, Wes, you hijacked it from Halloween!

     

     

    I'm curious if the HDTGM crew decided on Season of the Witch as being the worst Halloween movie, or if they just wanted to make the Nicholas Cage tie-in.

    • Like 1

  23. Posted

    Yeah this was definitely a WTF movie. Only 25 minutes of material that they had to pad out with TOTAL NONSENSE. Father wander into a library that just happens to house interdimensional portals? WHY NOT?

     

    What struck me about this movie was just how hollow it felt as a morality tale. The alien with the box wasn't proving that people value money over human lives. You always got the sense that people pressed the button because they didn't believe his ridiculous story and just figured "Hey if this crazy man wants to hand me a million dollars cash let him."

     

    There are plenty of ways you could have portrayed people turning an apathetic eye to atrocities in the name of luxury. This movie did none of them.

  24. Posted

    I could be mistaken, but from I remember of this movie, Sharon Stone never gets topless for the sex scenes. If so, that would be the most baffling part of this movie: that an erotic thriller couldn't convince a freshly post-Basic Instinct Sharon Stone to get half naked.

     

    The only other thing I remember about the movie was way too much Baldwin ass. Who does he think he is, Sly?

  25. Posted

    They didn't even have time to mention the scene where they fend off wave after wave of missiles with a flare gun!

     

     

    For some reason I always swore that Amy's trainer was Steve Gutenberg. The only other movie I had that big of an actor misplacement was thinking that Fred Savage starred in The Gate.

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