schadenfreudian

Is being a "pimp" something shitbags still aspire to? Asking for a friend...

That sound you just heard was the sugar crash I'm currently experiencing. #diabeatdown

Congrats to the new pope. Best of luck on all your future cover-ups. #thepopedoesntknowiexist

There's an online dating class going on in this bar right now. They're giving tips. It's simultaneously the funniest & saddest thing ever.

Someone who uses the word "haterade" = someone who's never read a book. #illiterati

Just put a q-tip in a dog's vagina. #typicalFridaynight

I ate a ton of crap at our March Madness office party today. This must be how Bruce Jenner feels all the time.

Good for Schultz! Howard Schultz to Anti-Gay-Marriage Starbucks Shareholder: 'You Can Sell Your Shares' - Forbes http://t.co/LWHNxDuIs8

I'll be at The Neptune on 3/29 to see @DanaJGould tape his new special, will you? #oneofus #gooblegobble

Just finished Takashi Miike's beautiful and heartbreaking Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai. Goddamn, but the man can shoot a good movie.

Standing in line to see @DanaJGould . Lotta pasty white Seattlites standing in the sun. Gonna be some catastrophic sunburns.

It's a beautiful sunny afternoon in Seattle, which means only one thing... time to take a nap. #freshairisoverrated

"@peeweeherman: Happy St. Patrick's Day!!! http://t.co/3GkP7mzJiU" It's Alfred O'Newman!

Hello, Spring. Goodbye, beard.

And then there's this (wait for it) http://t.co/GbcVZbMgYF via @youtube

Animaniacs alternate theme song lyrical endings: http://t.co/ezy2nfkxUH via @youtube

Right after my last post about his underwear, Kid A peed in them. I HEREBY PROCLAIM TODAY TO BE THE MOST METAL SATURDAY EVAAAAAR!

Possibly the dumbest product I've ever seen- http://t.co/sNd7pjSykY

Hip hop fans- you know the slang you use becomes uncool when it's used in a country song title. #ItsAllGood #GetYour___On

So far- sang a duet with the dog, played guitar w/ my son on drums ('til he broke one of the heads). Today's shaping up to be very metal.\m/

Wisdom. http://t.co/T8WyQL7n2Q via @youtube

Here's something new for your ear parts. Coliseum - Fuzzbang: http://t.co/IUbwLuWfH7 via @youtube

Why Comedians Don't Give A F*ck If You're Offended (VIDEO) http://t.co/ST7wu56z0p via @huffingtonpost

The pride I feel for getting a @pattonoswalt retweet almost offsets the shame I feel for eating an entire bag of kettle corn tonight #almost

Extra proud of @Spookeegirl & @indoorvoice today. This is for you, you magnificent bastards. http://t.co/YHT2ql1PHe