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Bozos of Basketball

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Posts posted by Bozos of Basketball

  1. Posted

    I don't think they were nervous on that show I just don't think they were having much fun because Tom was barely involving them.

     

    It did sound like Patton was genuinely interested in HH, though. He would be a good guest if they landed him.

     

    Thanks for all the good vibes on my post yesterday. Seems to me that Hayes and Sean likes are overdue for it at this point but it's possible they want to battle it out for which one of them gets to personally stick the "popular" star on it.

    • Like 11

  4. Posted

    I never understand the battle for first post. I feel like Agata just wins every time.

     

    Also, I have a story about how Hayes and Sean's sleepy gardener came to be.

     

    So... I was doing a favor, for Jennifer... Garner, and I picked up her son, Timothy... Green, from school. And as soon as he gets in the car I start screaming at him, "Hey! you're tracking twigs and leaves in the car you little shit!" And he says, "I can't help it. This stuff grows out of my legs." So I say, "Well if soil and plants are popping out of your body then maybe you should take your mom's last name and make that your job!"

     

    I kicked the kid out of my car and never saw him again but I did hear that he started going by Dave.

    • Like 29

  5. Posted

    I saw a sign that said "Drive like your kids live here." That presumes a lot about people. Their desire/ability to have children. Their relationship with their children. Their present mental state. I'd prefer a sign that said "Don't murder my children, DRIVE SLOW." #roadtripthoughts

     

    I've seen those signs around my neighborhood too and as soon as I read one I started swerving like a maniac, ran over some kid's skateboard, skidded out and slammed into a swing-set because I don't have kids and I couldn't stop thinking about how to drive like a paradox.

    • Like 8

  10. Posted · Edited by Bozos

    greggy entered the Hooters in Saugus, MA at the suggestion of his editor, MichaelBayOfPigs. He was told he could go ahead and submit his “30 for 30”; to ESPN with what he had, or make this one last stop where the “true story” was hidden. greggy knew he had a masterpiece on his hands, but would his inevitable Emmy be for naught if he didn't know the truth? He knew immediately that the disheveled, dirty vagrant at the end of the bar was his man. The guy's face couldn't have been older than 25, but everything else about who he was, where he had probably been, looked like he could've been 60. greggy approached...

     

    ”Heh, let me guess,” the man said before a word could exit greggy's mouth. “Someone told you I know something about Colt Barton meeting Shaq in a place just like this one in 2009. Well go back and tell them they're full of shit. I don't know nothing 'bout none of that”

     

    greggy, off-put, hesitated. The man started again.

     

    “You just aren't going to leave me alone, are you? Well have a seat then. One of you yellow journalists is going to come sniffin' around and hear this story sooner or later. You're here, it might as well be you.”

     

    greggy frantically started his recorder. He knew he couldn't miss a word.

     

    “They're gonna cover this story in dandelions and My Little Ponies, aren't they? I can tell you're better than that. The execs are gonna let you take all the shit when the truth comes out. So whoever sent you here did you a real solid, and he definitely knows his hoops. 2009 was a shit year for basketball. Shit for most people anyway, especially Shap. Sorry, Shaq.

     

    “You see you don't just meet Shaq in a Hooters in Arizona in 2009. These things take years of planning. But nobody is gonna tell you about that. They see a picture of Colt Barton and Shaq at a Hooters and call it happenstance. You know better, right? I knew better.

     

    “The Suns weren't going anywhere. Seemed weird for Shaq to be there in the first place. The Steve Nash Suns were a run-and-gun group, and Shaq was just slowing them down. I knew that if I was gonna meet Shaq while he was still in Phoenix, I was gonna have to take action. The Suns were in Seattle one night. A shitty regular season game nobody cared about. I placed a call to the Sonics' overlord, Detlef Schrempf, trying to plant bugs where I knew they'd spread. I couldn't get to Detlef. Some mop-boy answered the phone. Said Detlef was on the can. So I asked the kid to take a message to the big man. I told him tell Mr. Schrempf that Shaq wants another ring. Wants to hop on a team with an elite player already so he doesn't have to do any work. Worked with Wade a few years back. This James kid looks to be on the same track. If anyone can get the talk started to get Shaq in Cleveland, it's Mr. Schrempf. You have no idea how important this message is, kid. I'm counting on you. We all are.

     

    “That message never got to Detlef Schrempf. I think you and I both know who that kid was. What does every NBA player do when they're about to get traded? That's right. Go to the Hooters closest to their current team. I knew I'd be able to meet Shaq there. And now so did that kid. The rest of the story, I'm sure you know. You know what happened at the Hooters that day. You've seen Colt and Shaq in that fucking picture. What you didn't know, is how Colt knew to be there. And you definitely didn't know there was a fresh faced young man who looked a lot like me sitting in a seat a lot like this one there that day. Watching as my master plan came to fruition, only for someone else.

     

    “You got my story. You got what you came for. Now get the fuck out of my face!”

     

    greggy, startled, did what was suggested. He exited the Hooters, got in his rental, and started driving back toward Logan Airport. As he went over the Tobin Bridge, greggy rolled down his window, and tossed his recording device over the edge of the bridge. Some stories are best left untold. The world would be a better place not knowing this one.

    • Like 26

  14. Posted

    No water spit-take this week but only because I'm not drinking water anymore. I read an article that a blog post linked to and it was saying too much water is making you fat and most of your fat is water weight. AND the methods they use to make it zero calories are actually worse for you than calories. I've been getting my thirst quenched mostly by swirling Jello around in my mouth and then spitting it out because I don't want to support that nasty Jello man. But if I was blindly sipping that clear poison this morning I would have definitely spit it out during the run of lessons for the love Tedd Talk.

    • Like 16

  17. Posted

    If you want, there is a link to a set of rules that I wrote regarding to posting on the forum. But please take note, they aren't really meant to be taken seriously and if you do, you're probably some limp dick chump tryna take a shot at the king but you're gonna miss everytime baby. You'd be fuckin Allen Iverson tryna nail a trey from beyond the arch and I'm Dikembe Mutumbo towering over you like the little shrimp you are, I block that shot, grab the ball and pick you up by the fuckin feet and drag your sorry ass down the court as I dunk the ball and stuff you in the net. Then I wag my finger in your face and the crowd fuckin erupts in cheers. I'd pull your pants down and then everyone starts pointing and laughing at you. Then, as customary, the king gets carried out on the shoulders of his fans and supporters and you're left cryin lil pussy pansy wansy tears that fill the arena and you drown in your own sorrow and sadness and no one even cares cause you were the chump tryna take on the champ baby.

    Joe, I loved your sick burn post on this orange juice guy but I just want to point out that Allen Iverson and Dikembe Mutumbo were beloved teammates on the 76ers and even made it to an NBA Finals together. Ultimately, they fell to the juggernaut Shaq/Kobe Lakers but picturing Dikembe dragging Iverson down the court by his feet is quite disturbing to me and is just not how I would prefer to remember those guys.

    • Like 17

  18. Posted

    Sean Clements swiped his E-card at the floating hologram register granting him entry into the Earwolf University Dining Commons. The red wall of pure electric energy blocking his path turned to green, and took the shape of Dean Anchorman's face giving young Sean a wink and a clear alley to chow town. While sifting through the selection of flimsy salad, soggy mashed potatoes and today's special, Sam's Secret Strudel with Cod(y) smothered in 'stard, Sean used his peripheral vision to start scoping out where he would sit.

     

    There was one table that seemed a tad bit underneath the cool-level of the President of Delta Wolfa Cool, the nicest frat on campus. At this table, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts and Matt Walsh sat quietly listening to some weird guy on Besser's speakerphone talk about meditation and how the government plans to take over his mind and bank account. Another table was all university staff; Assistant Dean Sachs, Brian the janitor, Professor Blastoff and School Speaker Ullrich were not the company Sean was hoping for either, and as a resident bad-ass he wouldn't be welcome anyway. Finally, Sean spotted a table full of fresh faces he had never seen before. They seemed young, dumb and full of cum just like him. Dumb in the way that they were all stupid cool it seemed. Sean grabbed some cucumber slices and fat-free Italian dressing to dip them in. Eating light would allow Sean to keep his tight figure, and these dudes he was now approaching all had pretty intimidating six packs and were also all shirtless at the time so Sean could see that.

     

    Immediately as Sean sat down in the open sixth chair, he could feel all five of the mysterious men scanning his face and torso. He then watched as all ten of their collective eyes stare blankly at the same empty spot at the center of the table, as if they were communicating with each other with a complete absence of sound. Sean began to consider if he stumbled on a much bigger threat than a boring, low-quality jumbled phone call. As brave as Sean was about most things, these guys were making him being more scared than he thought he could be. He thought back to one time years ago in his father’s basement when he thought he saw five figures just like these peering at him through the ground-level window. At the time, he figured they were just rad looking gingerbread men ‘cause Shrek had just come out and gingerbread man was like pretty much viral phenomenon.

     

    No. It couldn’t be.

     

    “Yes, we have been watching you,” said the one with the biggest, hardest boner. It was like all of it was hard as a knight’s armor. “For a long time.” Could this be true, Sean thought. For a moment, he wished it were a dream, but then he saw a smile grow on the man’s face just as rapidly as his boner had.

     

    “You are our chosen one. Well, one of the chosen two. We will continue to watch, listen and fantasize about your every moves. You will never know our true impact on your life, and if you did you would never stop thanking us. Never cross or disappoint us, because we are dangerous. If you fail us, we will cease to be your forcefield, exposing you to the dangers of this place. We are your rock, never forget that.”

     

    As those final words reached Sean’s ears the five men turned into 40 or so stone men and women with wings and fangs and stuff. Mmm, only about 20 strong ones actually. Then like 20-35 more that were kinda there but probably not all the time or ones that looked like they just got to the group so the core didn’t know them as well. As Sean tried to make heads or tails of all of this, all the figures molded into one and warped into the cafeteria’s mega-computer.

     

    “Heh, college,” Sean said to himself.

    • Like 23

  24. Posted

    I was going to speculate as to who the guest will be tomorrow but instead I'm going to take a stab at who guest 100 will be. Episode 100 will be on September, 8th. Hotel Transylvania 2 comes out later that month so I'm thinking it will be the whole Happy Madison crew. Andy Sanger, Adam Sanberg, Al Colbert, Keving Rhames, Carl Sandburg, David Spayed. The works. Can't wait.

    • Like 10
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