TVTA

We've got to talk about Tom's chart about dating... It's a total casualty of this movie's inability to follow through on any of its themes, but this one in particular made me reflect on one of the the storylines submitted to IMDB for the film. Note how Tom is alluded to as the main character: A department store executive (Flanery) tries to resist falling in love with a young woman (Gellar), who he believes has possessed magical powers after inheriting a restaurant. This obvious misinterpretation is actually not as crazy as it seems when you consider the 'aggregated date satisfaction data' that Tom details to Lois; to whom he has a very strange relationship (her comfortability in describing her desire to be touched all over by Bill Maplewood from Happiness' "big hands"). I suspect that this movie was a compromise between a male focused, and female focused romantic comedy... This would explain why the relatively green director/writer team couldn't fill the obvious plot deficits by the end. When you think about it, they spent a little too much time time trying to get the audience to see things from Tom's perspective. By the end, his whole story line falls apart because his character had no setup... Besides being the genius who decided to put a gourmet David Lynch set in a department store.

Calling out Cameron H. I think your assessment is almost perfection... But for one crucial element. Raven Shaddock isn't merely a poser; he is the ultimate anti-hero. A villain who wants nothing (a kiss). Think about it, his motivation is pure chaos in the face of unrivaled malaise. Why... Why I ask you would he be the villain in this picture: - Because he's ugly inside - Because he wears rubber pants. NO He is a greaser! This film is a battering ram against greasers; the ultimate anti establishment symbol of the times. The only problem? Greasers have the only interesting story to be tolled, no one wants a reverse Outsiders story! The writers knew they'd chosen the boring side, and wrote any way... And write they did, WROTE AWAY, as if they could escape their insane premise. They chose the wrong side when they started this screenplay, and payed the ultimate price: Boring characters with no purpose. Raven is the clear hero... At least he kissed Diane Lane instead of punching her directly in the face.

Please... There isn't enough please to describe my please.

I think it's important to mention that Ry Cooder was responsible for all the music in this movie... Yes Ry Cooder; the guy who brought us Buena Vista Social Club. Apparently the now legendary James Horner, known for such films as Star Trek III (to which the box office gross is compared to this film on wikipedia), was tapped originally to score the film, and after he made three complete scores for the film, was ultimately sacked for the aforementioned. Seriously though; considering his rock credentials, Ry does seem a better choice.

I'm sure this has been mentioned already, but just in case; It should be noted that the Yamaha keyboard featured in this shitty, shitty movie is none other than the legendary Yamaha DX7. A game changing digital synthesizer that revolutionized FM synthesis. It is widely regarded (by me) as the cheesiest sounding synth from the 80s. One of the DX7's most notable sounds is that weird 'not-quite-a-piano' from; pop songs, and disney 'ending-credit-songs' from the 90s... Terrible. Known for its confounding control panel, watching someone try to tickle the non-ivory of this plastic shit-box is about as sexy as looking at a bag of fertilizer. All and all it's a pretty good gift, but I'd get a Jupiter 8, or even a Juno 6... But I'm an analog man myself. Love you guys, - TVTA