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A Band of Oafs: The Nerd Poker Chronicles An unofficial Novelization of the hit Earwolf podcast, NERD POKER: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS WITH BRIAN POSEHN & FRIENDS. Written and Translated by Ken W. Hanley Story and Characters by Brian Posehn, Scott “Sark” Robison, Gerry Duggan, Ken Daly, Sarah Guzzardo & Blaine Capatch “NERD POKER” is an Earwolf Media Production “NERD POKER” Executive Producers: Jeff Ullrich & Scott Aukerman Adapted from “DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS” by Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson FOREWORD I had my first game of Dungeons and Dragons a little more than six years ago when a friend had approached me about a game of D20 with several mutual friends involved as well. I had always been intrigued by D&D, but most of my attempts to get close to a game were halted by a constantly changing schedule and a friend who took the game more than a little seriously. In this game of D20, I played as Javier MacReady, a Priest/Fighter whose headbutts were as devastating as his ADHD. Through this group of friends, we had made the most of many adventures, including time travel, vampire battles and even a trip to Jamba Juice. And then, for one reason or another, the games stopped. Schedules couldn’t align, personal problems arose with several members and general disinterest dropped on others. However, the fire still burned on for me, as my character was last seen in a speeding hearse heading to Mexico as Vampire Rasputin had risen from his cryogenic chamber. A couple years after the games stopped, I was introduced into the world of podcasts. My first podcast experience was through Comedy Bang Bang, which was a perfect gateway drug into this wonderful medium. WTF was good, but too self-important at times, and The Nerdist quickly won me over but became too inconsistent to champion as my favorite. So for almost two years, Comedy Bang Bang was my #1 show, making my commutes and lunch breaks better than ever. That was until late last year, when Nerd Poker hit the airwaves. D+D? Brian Posehn? Podcasts? It was the best of all worlds, but I was never prepared for how deeply the show would hit me. The one thing I had noticed about podcasts after the debut of Nerd Poker was the lack of narrative, storytelling podcasts. Thrilling Adventure Hour had tried some, to varying success and disastrous continuity problems. But with the combination of interactive, unpredictable storytelling through Dungeons and Dragons, particularly through the experienced mind of Mr. Sark, and the rich, hilarious characters created by the rest of the group, Nerd Poker felt like something new and different, with an established chemistry between the group that made the listener feel the passion of the players and made the show more immersive with every episode. As time went on, Nerd Poker has become the show I immediately recommend to everyone, D+D experienced or not. Most importantly, however, Nerd Poker set off a beacon of inspiration to myself and many of my former compatriots, leading to a new game in development that I couldn’t be more excited for. However, there are many more reasons as to why I’m writing this novelization, if we are to call it that. The first is that, as an aspiring screenwriter and current contributor to Fangoria Magazine and Fangoria.com, I need motivation to start again on my passion projects, and to work on this would quickly rejuvenate my all-too-faded engine as of late. The second is for fans of the podcast, as I hope this will not only serve as a third person perspective on our heroes adventure, but also a reference point for fan artists and fans new and old. I was particularly inspired by the Nerd Poker wikia I found recently, and the hilarious results stemming from the collection of material that convinced me to revisit the adventure from the beginning. The last reason is that the show deserves it. Like any awesome mythology, there deserves to be a written history for Nerd Poker, as I believe it has earned the spot as a legitimately great and funny tale. Now, as with all novelization, there are liberties that will be taken in the name of artistic license. I will expand a bit on the backstories that each of the players had provided, maybe adding a name for nameless characters at time and not leaving in some of the more irreverent side-conversations (that should be for the podcast only, anyways). That said, I will be as faithful to the original story as possible, and I hope you all enjoy this as much as I enjoy translating it. I will be posting these as regularly as possible. Perhaps twice a week, perhaps more frequent than that. I'll also include Interluding Chapters for the "Crazy Shit" segments, and perhaps songs as companion pieces. So without further adieu…