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PatrickHothersall

If HDTGM covered books, then they would have to review this guy...

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I know the HDTGM gang reviews only movies, but I came across an author on amazon that made me wonder "How Did This Get Published." These books were so amazing, so completely bonkers, that I knew I simply had to share it here with the fans of my favorite laugh out loud podcast. I thought many of the book descriptions sound like some of the movies we have watched.

 

Introducing, Carlton Mellick III. A prolific author, who makes up for what he lacks in writing ability with audacity and a willingness to take creative risks. I will not call him a twisted genius, because I think most genius authors still work on a second draft, but his body of work is still impressive to behold.

 

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The Haunted Vagina

 

It's difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead...

 

Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy's pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.

 

When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return... especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy's legs.

 

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Tumor Fruit

 

Eight desperate castaways find themselves stranded on a mysterious deserted island. They are surrounded by poisonous blue plants and an ocean made of acid. Ravenous creatures lurk in the toxic jungle. The ghostly sound of crying babies can be heard on the wind.

 

Once they realize the rescue ships aren't coming, the eight castaways must band together in order to survive in this inhospitable environment. But survival might not be possible. The air they breathe is lethal, there is no shelter from the elements, and the only food they have to consume is the colorful squid-shaped tumors that grow from a mentally disturbed woman's body.

 

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Cuddly Holocaust

 

Teddy bears, dollies, and little green soldiers-they've all had enough of you. They're sick of being treated like playthings for spoiled little brats. They have no rights, no property, no hope for a future of any kind. You've left them with no other option-in order to be free, they must exterminate the human race.

Julie is a human girl undergoing reconstructive surgery in order to become a stuffed animal. Her plan: to infiltrate enemy lines in order to save her family from the toy death camps. But when an army of plushy soldiers invade the underground bunker where she has taken refuge, Julie will be forced to move forward with her plan despite her transformation being not entirely complete.

 

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The Faggiest Vampire

 

Deep in The Land of Broodsarrow, just outside the village of Gneirwil, and high on a cliff overlooking the Everbleed Sea, there stands the faggiest gothic castle that any mortal being has ever seen. Living in this ancient faggy castle is none other than the well-renowned vampire, Dargoth Van Gloomfang. The citizenry of Broodsarrow sure has its share of faggy vampires, but old Dargoth has always been by far the faggiest of them all. That is, until a new vampire came to town. A younger, hippper vampire. One that emits such a grand amount of fagginess that one cannot help but be completely overwhelmed by his presence. Now Dargoth Van Gloomfang must figure out a way to out-shine this young newcomer if he wishes to ever reclaim his throne as . . . the faggiest vampire.

 

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The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 (an Adventure for 3-6 Players, Levels 2-5)

 

 

The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 is an comedy about a group of adventurers (elf, halfling, bard, dwarf, assassin, thief) going through an existential crisis after having discovered that they are really just pre-rolled characters living inside of a classic AD&D role playing game. While exploring the ruins of Tardis Keep, these 6 characters must deal with their inept Dungeon Master's retarded imagination and resist their horny teenaged players' commands to have sex with everything in sight.

 

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Adolph in Wonderland

 

In an alternate version of the future where Hitler had conquered the entire world during WW2 and developed society into his vision of utopia, an SS officer is on a mission to find and exterminate the last imperfect human on Earth.

 

Following his trail leads the young Nazi to a small town hidden in the middle of the desert, a place that has been cut off from society for so long that it has developed its own strange and disturbing culture. Thus begins Mellick's dreamlike adventure that takes a young descendant of Adolf Hitler's design and sends him down the rabbit hole into a world of imperfection and disorder, where even the laws of reality itself don't seem to apply.

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