Colombiana

[JLS 0]

(Mild spoilers)

Saw this film last night, and there were too many ridiculously bad moments to count. There are little girls stabbing people with knives and using parkour to run away from henchmen with guns, who are CLEARLY more experienced than her. Then she demands to be taught to be an assassin, and her uncle agrees after firing a gun at random people in broad daylight! Also, they force sexuality into the film with the most shallow and meaningless love story subplot I've seen in while. And how many times can one woman remove her shirt in a movie? We get it. She's hot. There are countless stereotypes and action movie cliches in this film. Fat, rich guys in mansions with dumb hookers, cocky, corrupt white cops who seem kinda racist... I really could go on and on, but I don't want to spoil too much. I really can't explain to you how ridiculously stereotypical and predictable this film is. You really need to check this one out.

[JLS 0]

(Mild spoilers)

Saw this film last night, and there were too many ridiculously bad moments to count. There are little girls stabbing people with knives and using parkour to run away from henchmen with guns, who are CLEARLY more experienced than her. Then she demands to be taught to be an assassin, and her uncle agrees after firing a gun at random people in broad daylight! Also, they force sexuality into the film with the most shallow and meaningless love story subplot I've seen in while. And how many times can one woman remove her shirt in a movie? We get it. She's hot. There are countless stereotypes and action movie cliches in this film. Fat, rich guys in mansions with dumb hookers, cocky, corrupt white cops who seem kinda racist... I really could go on and on, but I don't want to spoil too much. I really can't explain to you how ridiculously stereotypical and predictable this film is. You really need to check this one out.

[ThreeTwoNoseOne 0]

I was watching this amazing piece of cinema last night, and less than 10 minutes in I found myself asking, "what the fuck am I watching?" Been listening to a lot of your show recently, and so I checked online to see if you guys had done this movie yet and sure enough you have not. Well let me tell you, you could dedicate upwards of 2, to 2 and a half episodes to this movie.

I'll be honest I only saw maybe the first half before I fell asleep, but let me describe for you one of the first scenes in the movie:

Twelve year old girl on the run from a bunch of baddies in a Colombian favela. How does she escape? Parkour. Parkours right out a window and drops down like 20 feet onto a car. But don't fret these Colombians also have about 3 guys on their team that know Parkour (in 1991 or whenever). Guy on a dirtbike chasing her eventually instead of running into a fruit stand which would make sense, runs into a stand full of massive bowls of cheetos... I shit you not. She's been running for about 2 miles at this point and still trucking it through people's houses. The whole time the main baddy is telling everyone that she needs to be captured alive. Finally they kinda corner her, but she does a sweet slide into a sewage drain the ground and escapes. So what does the main bad guy do? Unload about 8 shots into the sewer pipe after telling everyone that she needs to be alive. Next shot is her easily opening the thickest manhole cover I've ever seen in my life. It's like 2 times as thick as the American ones that weigh 50 lbs. Goes to the cops place, and throws up this tiny little SD memory card from 2007 that got time blasted back to 1992 that she swallowed earlier. Copper sticks it in a floppy disk, and you see those green words on the black screen almost going in a Matrix type falling fashion. He looks at it for all of 2 seconds and realizes it's massive importance.

Consider it guys. It's on a rare level of WTF, and stars Zoe Saldana so at least your eyes won't be angry at you for watching it.

[EarlwolfGuy 2]

I'm watching this now. I second this nomination.

[wakefresh 689]

I love this movie! The uncle is a gangster. Everyone in the town is scared of his ass, so he can act out however he wants, because when the cops come, everyone will come down with amnesia.

 

And I kinda liked the chase scene with the little girl. Because she was running away from the bad guys with guns, instead of like in Kickass where we are supposed to believe that a little 10-year-old is capable of beating grown men because Nic Cage shot her in the chest one time. No, you're little ass is supposed to run when grown men are chasing you with guns.