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A modest proposal regarding Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

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People—here's the deal. I don't want Paul and the gang to ever watch "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen," but I would also love an episode about it. So I'd like to make a modest—read: insane—proposal for the dedicated weirdos who populate this forum with so much ingenuity and persistence. Why don't some of us fall on the sword, take one for the team, bite the bullet, and sit and watch this very long, almost surely very tiresome movie, and crowdsource a script for the imaginary live taping of the "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" episode of HDTGM?

Feel free to watch the movie, draft some dialogue, and add it below. But equally importantly: What would be some of the important elements for the script? Do we want to try to imagine the voice of a special guest, or keep it to our three hosts? What are some essential beats that we have to hit? (E.g., Jason interrupting June or Paul to make essentially the same point they're making as if it just came to him.) What callbacks and inside jokes, what schticks and segments, should we imagine?

I suppose I should make a google doc or something, but I'm not sure whether anyone will actually be interested in participating in such nonsense. If I get a few takers, perhaps we can set up a google doc and slowly put together something needlessly ambitious. For now, here's a quick draft of the opening few minutes of the episode. (I've only watched the opening few minutes so far...)

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[Apologies for the formatting! I'm not sure how to do indentation on this thing.]

INT. HDTGM STUDIO - UNSPECIFIED TIME 

PAUL, alias TALL JOHN SCHEER, sits at a microphone looking at familiar ad copy on the screen of his laptop. A couple of producers [Nate? Avril? Cody? Who’s in studio during the ad recordings?] monitor his performance and the audio quality with varying levels of attention.

    PAUL
  People! Here’s the deal. I. love. Squarespace. Squarespace—

PAUL sighs audibly.

    PAUL (cont’d)
  How many times do I have to tell you—you have to have your own website. And there’s no better way to make your own website than by using Squarespace. [How much detail do we want to include here about 24/7 support, ecommerce, and the sites Paul’s made using Squarespace?]

The ROBOT CHORUS chimes in to mark a transition.

    ROBOT CHORUS
  Howdidthisgetmade.

INT. LARGO AT THE CORONET - NIGHT

A CROWD of amiable, slightly intoxicated nerds sits in silence punctuated by a smattering of chuckles, giggles, and a single dry couch. The CROWD knows what it’s in store for, and is pleased.

On stage, PAUL, wearing light blue jeans and a tucked-in blue check shirt, with the kind of close-cropped hairstyle worn by Jason Statham in CELLULAR, stands in front of three bulky-looking chairs, a small table with PAUL’S laptop, and a projector screen displaying the laptop’s desktop: an image of John Turturo in a leather jacket flanked by two mannequins dressed in old air force uniforms. 

PAUL clicks on the folder titled “TRANSFORMERS” and opens the file “remixtheme.mp4.” Still vibrant from a well-received warm-up, PAUL delivers the opening monologue he’s prepared for this event. 

    PAUL
  It’s like 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY if 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY was incomprehensible garbage. That’s right, we saw TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, and you know what that means!

PAUL clicks the play button and saunters offstage.

MUSIC CUE: “HDTGM Theme Song - Remix.”

A wave of cheers washes over the final few words of the theme song, as PAUL returns from his brief trip offstage. 

    PAUL
  Hello! people of earth! And hello! people of Largo!

The CROWD acknowledges itself with another wave of cheers and applause at the mention of the LARGO theater.

    PAUL
  Welcome to “How Did This Get Made?” I’m your host, Tall John Scheer.

PAUL pauses for laughter, which the CROWD happily supplies.

    PAUL 
  This movie... 

Anxious laughter.

    PAUL (cont’d)
  People, I did not want to watch this movie. I tried not to watch this movie. I resisted watching this movie. But one thing is for sure: If I was going to sit through all ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MINUTES of this movie, I was not going to do so without my cohosts. Please welcome my first co-host: Jason Mantzoukas! 

JASON, alias ZOUKS, wearing dark jeans and a white button-up t-shirt, his hair and beard exploding outward in every direction, shifts onstage and drags his feet toward his chair, visibly sighing and shaking his head as he lifts up his microphone and sits. 

The initial applause and cheering of the CROWD is quickly overpowered by a roaring welcome. 

    CROWD
  Zouks!

    JASON
  What’s up, jerks!

The CROWD, already in the midst of applause, chants of “Zouks,” and loud cheers, lets out a collective whoop.

    PAUL
  Jason—

    JASON
  Paul?

    PAUL
  TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN.

    JASON
  Oh boy.

PAUL cackles as nervous laughter settles over the CROWD.

    JASON
  I'm gonna say it: I don’t think we should be negotiating with terrorists. 

    PAUL
  Michael Bay has been taunting and threatening us literally for years, and now we’ve finally given in.

    JASON
  I am exhausted from this movie! The only good thing I can say about this movie is that I didn’t have to spend any money on it because you already own eight thousand TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN DVDs.

    PAUL
  It’s true.

    JASON
  My little baby booty boy?!

The CROWD erupts.

    PAUL
   (laughing)
  We’re gonna get into all of it. But first, let me introduce my second-cohost. Please welcome: June Diane Raphael!

JUNE, wearing blue jean capris and a black-and-white striped top, steps onstage to a boisterous response from the CROWD. First, what sounds like a chorus composed predominantly of the women in the audience lets out a loud, delighted wave of cheering; this is quickly followed by a slightly lower-pitched rumble of hollers and applause; finally, both are drowned out by a forceful roar.

    CROWD
  June!

JUNE grabs her microphone and sits down, making quick eye contact with JASON, whose smile and laughter elicits the same in JUNE.

    PAUL
  Welcome, June, how are you?

    JUNE
  I’m fine, Paul, how are you?

    PAUL
  I’m great, thanks for asking.

Giddy, knowing giggles filter through much of the CROWD.

    PAUL
  First thoughts about TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN?

JUNE sighs loudly and sorrowfully. JASON lets out a gleeful monosyllabic laugh.

    JUNE
  What—

    JASON
   (under his breath)
  Here we go.

    JUNE (cont’d)
  —is this? I suppose, technically, this is a motion picture?

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On 8/13/2019 at 11:06 AM, theworstbuddhist said:

Nice try, Michael Bay. I wish all your screenplays were this coherent.

Ha!

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