Lamprey

Find you a catchphrase that looks at you like this. [Apologies, image file too large to attach.]

Welcome to the Ren-Faire, milords and ladies. Or might it be the Stimpy-Faire thou seekest?

If you got the noticon, I second that emoticon.

Unless you're eating Rocky Mountain oysters, please don't say "Amazeballs!"

In Bible Times, the Ten Commandments were called the Ten Totally Awesome Lifehacks; and God Himself was better known as the Highbrow Hebrew He-bro.

Rektum? Damn near Aukerman.

It's not the great big, wide-open world it used to be out there, my boy. That's why your ma and me decided the best thing to do was spend your college money on this here Shrink Ray.

A light year is the distance light travels in one year, going at the speed of light. Was there anything else you wanted to know, Professor Hawking?

I'll bet you dollars to donuts you can't convert those apples to oranges without a calculator. Oh, and when you're done, can I borrow your calculator to convert these donuts to dollars?

I see you staring at my day-glo orange moustache, but the joke's on you I'm afraid. This isn't hair. Some prankish beatnik replaced my crack-pipe with an airbrush!

Please contact me regarding your catchphrase competition. I tried submitting several but they seem to want some sort of login. We met at the open mic comedy night, or anyway, I spotted you leaving the room and I thought there was an undeniable spark between us. You can't deny me any longer. Your emails have been bouncing. You will want to hear this one!

I'll never forget the twinkle in my dad's eye when he went before my third grade class on Careers Day and said, "Kids, you all know me as Goatse Guy."

Morbid Movie Trivia: Three Dustin Hoffmans drowned in the making of The Graduate.

Crocodile tears won't get you no alligator purse. Oh Caiman?

One man's meat is another man who can't spell poisson's fish.

Hey, hey, LBJ! How many El Blow Jobs did you give today?

Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Hey, I just did!

The Friend Zone is for immediate loading and unloading of expectations of this relationship developing into a mutually consensually sexual one only.

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander. So pay your child support, Dad," said Ryan Gosling with complete candor.

Only six hours to go until I'm in heat, and I still haven't finished raising my last litter yet!

Why no, officer, this Adidas bag contains no human heads, no human heads at all. Unless...maybe...you want it to?

Life is but a candle flame: A light just barely bright enough to make out all the smut.

The Hype Zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of incredibly awesome passengers only.

"Hey, there's laws against children working overtime," I KIDDED LABORIOUSLY...and was immediately murdered for very good cause.

When I want you to stop grinding fresh pepper on my salad, I will look you in the eye with a gaze of deepest honesty and respect, touch you firmly on the hand as a reminder of our shared humanity, and present you with a notarized order signed by a judge. Until then, keep-a tha peppa comin'!